Bad Girls Doing Bad Things

2003
Written by Anora Leachim
Directed by Francis Locke

Sarah’s Living Room Bookstore was soon crushed by the Barnes & Nobles opening in her bathroom…

It’s time for yet another Torchlight Pictures/Francis Locke softcore production with a ridiculous plot and overly-long sex scenes! Bad Girls Doing Bad Things is about girls that are “good” girls attempting to dirty up their image to impress some random guy. Thanks to this instructional video, we now know what “bad” girls are – girls who watch people have sex in the club. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle. So let’s get the other half going as we dive right in to Bad Girls Doing Bad Things!

If we were any badder, Michael Jackson would have sung a song about us!

Bad Girls Doing Bad Things is among the most fun of the Torchlight Pictures catalogue, largely due to the character of Keith ragging on the good girls for being so boring, and their lame attempts to be cool. It still has the Torchlight Pictures characteristics of overly-long sex scenes, minimal plot, and scenes shot in abandoned buildings or the director’s living room. Oddly enough, I didn’t spot a hotel room in the mix, unless the hallways that look like a parking garage were actually a hotel parking garage.

Besides being produced and directed by Francis Locke, Blade Simpson continues to provide music while the “written by” credits an “Anora Leachim” (obviously a real name and not someone’s name backwards!)

I’ll go ENTER in the EXIT door! It’s totally a bad girl thing to do!

Karen (August Arroya) – A good girl in a good world, but her world is shattered when Keith makes fun of her for being a dork! Can you believe it? So she decides to totally go bad, because that’s what happens in real life. Keith Oswald (Remy)- He’s the bad guy who has come to teach these good girls how to be bad girls doing bad things. That way they can fit in with the title of the movie! Janine (Serrano Rios) – A worker at Karen’s bookstore who is also a good girl despite evidence to the contrary. But because she’s so anal she drives men away, until she learns to be bad, which means having sex with Keith. Rex (Scott Alexander) – The other guy in club whom you might know from Dirty Blondes. He’s just as good of an actor here as in Dirty Blondes, but at least they’re using him in a more useful way. Scarlet (Teanna Kai) – Another Dirty Blondes alumnus, she is a bad girl. Like all bad girls, she loves the Power Glove because it is so bad. And also having sex in public. Dawn (Jana Cova) – She’s just a random club member of Dungeon who has lesbian sex with Scarlet. Totally not a Dirty Blonde on vacation…

I object, this isn’t a bad thing at all!

The Kanye West of poetry readers

Keith is a tough guy who hangs out at a local family bookstore/coffeeshop, reading poetry to remind himself how much he hates it. Robert Frost – the original bad boy! As it’s obvious this isn’t filmed in a real bookstore, but instead in someone’s living room, let’s just skip ragging on the set. The bookstore is staffed by Karen, who seems bewildered by Keith’s behavior, seemingly unable to comprehend that someone doesn’t like poetry. But her attention is diverted when her coworker Janine comes in, which is unexpected because she was on vacation with her boyfriend. That ended when he dumped her and left her at a hamburger joint – because she’d been driving him crazy with all her anal-retentive planning!

Bad boy Keith overhears and explains that Janine is crazy, so no wonder the dude split. He declares the girls are just too nice! Karen is offended, says she has a wild side, so Keith declares he hangs out at the Dungeon, and she can drop by anytime. Karen and Janine better watch out, because you can’t be nice girls in a movie called Bad Girls Doing Bad Things!

The confrontation!
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Karen gets sort of clubbed up and wanders around the abandoned building Locke is using for the Dungeon set. She enters the club, and it’s obvious the only people there are the actors who are pretending to look at the crowd at the club. No extras, no ambient background noise to try to even pretend there are other people at the club. Karen stumbles over her words trying to sound cool, so club member Scarlet introduces her to the world of the Dungeon by having lesbian sex with Jana Cova for the next 12 minutes. Karen declares she is capable of indulging in such public sex shenanigans, but Keith isn’t buying it.

The hottest club in town and not at all the back alley of the Best Buy where they bought a printer to use in the film…

Karen is so mad that Keith dismisses her attempts to declare herself cool that she actually sets up a rave at the bookstore to show Keith just how bad she is. The only legitimate reason I can think to hold a rave in a bookstore is because you are about to commit insurance fraud (thus not being as legitimate as I claimed!) When Keith comes by to apologize for ragging on her, he spots her Bookstore rave flyer and declares that she is a nerd. But this isn’t Nerd Girls Doing Nerd Things (please watch a gender-swapped episode of the Big Bang Theory instead!) and her nerdness is played off as lame.

I am the Number 4 Baddest Girl who does bad things in California, thank you!

Karen leaves in a huff to go put up the rave flyers, while Keith gives Janine advice on how to not be a nerd. It involves getting her naked and having sex on the couch in the bookstore for the next 11 minutes. As an aside, it’s hard to believe these chicks are good girls when they’re pierced in private places and have more tattoos than a Jesse James ex-girlfriend.

Bad girls doing bad things, like wandering around unmarked hallways!

Thanks to the fact Janine had the sex, she is now is dressing in all leather, going to the Dungeon, and chiding Karen for not being bad. She emphasizes this point by having sex with Karen. If you’re bad you start rubbing all over your best friend’s chest and then have lesbian sex with them. It is the only way. The 12 minutes spent here are important to the plot, as Karen is transforming from a good girl to a bad girl who is doing a bad thing, namely her coworker Janine.

Scarlet and Rex have sex in the Dungeon because we gotta fill another 11 minutes of running time somehow!

This whole hallway sequence could be turned into a pretty cool psychological horror flick

Back at the bookstore, the now bad girls find Keith’s photo in an old yearbook, and he was ten times the nerds they were! Heck, he probably founded the local chapter of the Tri-Lams! Karen takes the book to the Dungeon and teases Keith, but Keith gets way ticked off and storms off.

This is totally unbelievable as the hottest club in town, because there is enough lighting to actually see the characters!

Things suddenly jump to the next day but at the Dungeon or maybe at some other location that is using the same room to film in as the Dungeon, and Karen and Keith apologize to each other. They are both done being bad, so they have sex. To cement their goodness or something. Now Karen and Keith can be in a meaningful relationship…which is totally not what Bad Girls or Bad Boys would be doing!! This film has MIXED MESSAGES!

Now that we’re all reformed bad people, it’s time for prom!

Rated 4/10 (The coffee, the shirt, the flyer, the yearbook)

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