Dirty Blondes 2

2006
Directed by Francis Locke

Good thing these ancient Indians wrote “Made in Malaysia” on this ancient pot in English…

Dirty Blondes 2 is the Speed 2: Cruise Control of the Dirty Blonde Franchise. Which I think is just these two films, as another feature called More Dirty Blondes doesn’t seem to be related at all. Dirty Blondes 2 continues the riveting Dirty Blondes story, as two teams search for evidence of American and Polynesian contact, though this time instead of looking for pottery, they’re looking for a stone dildo. Because that proves…something. Whatever. The classic Dirty Blondes tropes are there – sexy archeology, female archeologists don’t wear pants, female archeologists take long showers and have sex with all of their digging partners, and long-missing ancient artifacts with Earth-shattering secrets are just lying on the ground in mint condition.

Torchlight Pictures, Francis Locke, and Blade Simpson combine together for another softcore with almost three minutes of plot stretched between many long long long long long long long sex scenes. And let’s not forget a liberal use of one long long long long long long long sex scene from the previous film. My theory is the budget was whatever Torchlight Pictures found while rummaging though the couch cushions. We all know the name of the game, so let’s meet the players:

The Dirty Blondes Collection, coming this fall to Marshall’s!

Tina (Nicole Oring) –Tina is an archeology student who is very lucky at finding amazing discoveries lying in plain sight. Can she find something amazing by the end of the film, in between her constant getting naked? Find out! Nicole Oring is a model and softcore star (including Pretty Prisoners of Chloro Conspiracies and Bare-Skinned New Girls’ Scary Bondage Surprise!), but also was in Single White Female 2: The Psycho! Professor Rich (Ben Campezi) – Professor running the new dig for the ancient dong. He has the diary from the first film, which you would think would be in a museum or something. Someone call Indiana Jones to punch this guy until it hits a museum! is an adult film star who usually works in male on male cinema, he’s handled more hogs than a pig farmer in such films as Musclemen Moving Company Inc, Oiled Up Hunks, and Straight Jocks Confess Lisa (Xara Diaz) – Lisa is one of Professor Rish’s students, and instead of digging she just wears the artifacts! Except for when Rich takes them off to have sex with her. Xara Diaz is an adult actress who has handled more packages than UPS in such fine films as We Were Tied Up and She Was Naked!, Sexz Latinas, and Finger Licking Good. Guy at Basecamp A (Dino Bravo) – This guy doesn’t even get a name, and he spends most of his time staring at Tina, except for when he’s having sex with Tina. Dino Bravo is an adult star (who ganked his name from a wrestler!) that’s given more rides than one of the coin operated kiddie machines outside a grocery store in such films as Gov Love: The Eliot Splitz-her Story, Boning Bonita Chicas, and Not Married with Children XXX

La-la-la, getting naked for no reason, la-la-la

Once again, ladies at archeological digs barely wear clothing. Tina does manage to put on a dress (but nothing else) before her hard day of looking at pots that were bought at Ross, and calling her professor via satellite phone to say how good a job she’s doing.

Professor Rich is at the other desert dig site, and he has the diary from the first film. Good to know they kept that prop all this time!

Gah, I totally can’t play Angry Birds on this satellite phone!

Tina has had enough of pretending to talk on a phone, and now she must strip off her clothes to wipe herself off with a rag. Then she gets herself off with her fingers for six minutes.

Professor Rich wanders around and sees a hot chick dressed in skimpy tribal wear – she’s Lisa and she’s wearing the artifacts! So they have sex. For 12 minutes. They have sex so long that Tina is calling Basecamp B and complaining that they’re having too much sex to answer the phone.

They want me to put a stone WHAT? In my WHERE???

Tina’s complaining lets us know the plot, that they’re looking for a stone dildo – she’ll get an A and a $10,000 research prize. And she’s deciphered a code off of a pot to track down the location. What is this, the Da Vinci Code? The Dil Vinci Do?

Tina calls Team Borneo, which consists of April and Debbie from the previous film, and this whole sequence exists just to show us 11 minutes of the lesbian sex scene from the prior film.

April (Holly Hollywood) – One of the dirty blondes from Dirty Blondes. You already read her bio last time. Holly Hollywood’s credited as Tracy Browne for some reason. Debbie Korvich (Jana Cova) – The other Dirty Blonde. Due to her lighter hair, I’ll declare here the dirty blonde who is less dirty.

Someone did do a bit of research work, as the characters discuss how this site predates both Ute and Anasazi burial sites. Back when this was filmed, the Wikipedia articles for those two subjects were probably only single sentences! (everyone was still focusing on Batman and Ayn Rand articles)

Soon Tina is wandering around, finds a wooden Indian artifact just sitting out int he open, and next to it a rock sort of shaped like a dong with some jagged edges. It’s filthy with dirt and if it is an ancient dildo probably covered in fossilized bodily fluids, but that’s of no consequence as she’s instantly naked and taking it for a test spin! This test drive goes on for seven minutes.

When Tina is done, she calls Basecamp B to brag. Basecamp B has sex for 11 minutes in celebration.

Basecamp A (Tina and the guy who never got a name) also has sex, but they first take a dig at Team Borneo and the Dirty Blondes, mentioning that when they made the archeological breakthrough in the last film, they stopped doing real research to just have sex with each other all day long. Remember when Einstein did that? It was gross…

The stone dong that changed history. Somehow.

To prove they’ll probably just do the same, that’s when Basecamp A then starts their sex scene – though finding a stone dong is not as earth-shattering of a breakthrough as proving that cultures on two continents connected thousands of years ago. But maybe it is in the world of Dirty Blondes.

The end! The Dirty Blondes will not be back, unless Legally Blonde is somehow in this same universe. Which it is, in my view.

Rated 2/10 (tattoo, totally a real ancient artifact)

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