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InMovie News

Whatsa Matterhorn You? – Disney making Matterhorn ride flick

June 30, 2011By

Pirates rakes in a boatload of cash for Disney, so now the next ride to movie will be the Matterhorn Bobsleds. Just ignore Country Bears and Haunted Mansion, they’re fever dreams (Haunted Mansion is getting rebooted as well, btw – And there is another upcoming film about Disneyworld at night where all the rides come alive called Disney’s Magic Kingdom) Matterhorn features mountain climbers who run into yetis and then hijinks ensue. Jason Dean Hall is writing, and the current title is The Hill (I expect that to change) Will the Yeti be awesome? Will everyone learn a life’s lesson? Will Jack Sparrow randomly show up on the mountain in modern day for no reason? I guess you’ll have to watch the film!

InMovie News

Sneezing Panda Viral Video = Real Movie

June 30, 2011By

You all remember that sneezing panda video that people who watch cute videos all day long fell in love with briefly before Random Dancing Baby #1543232 and Cute Cat #95843 stole its thunder? Someone sure does, because they greenlighted a $1.3 million Sneezing Panda fake documentary called The Life and Times of Sneezing Baby Panda! Panda documentary filmmakers Lesley Hammond and Jenny Walsh (who also shot the sneezing Panda clip) team with China Film Co-Production President Zhang Xun to try to make a film that won’t make China freak out, thus losing all that sweet sweet China box office cash!

The plot, as such:
Riffing on the Chinese penchant for going way, way back when telling one’s family story, Hammond decided to employ the techniques used in Forrest Gump or Woody Allen’s Zelig before that to place the ancestors of the Sneezing Baby Panda in crucial roles throughout history.

“One panda’s a terracotta warrior. Another’s on the Long March,” said Hammond, who with former Nine Network news producer Walsh dug through archival footage they’ll incorporate into the film. “You know the famous photo of Nixon sitting with Mao? Using visual effects, we’ll replace the woman interpreter sitting between them with a panda.”

That article also has Hammond bitching because South Park didn’t give them a dump truck full of money when they made fun of the clip, which totally puts me on the side…of South Park!
Be on the lookout for The Life and Times of Sneezing Baby Panda….whenever it comes out. If you care. You can feel my excitement.

When Hell Broke Loose
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

When Hell Broke Loose (Review)

June 29, 2011By

When Hell Broke Loose


1974
Directed by ???

When Hell Broke Loose is a crazy mess of a film involving all sorts of demons and goofy things and at some point a guy fights a giant puppet tiger and even flies out of the tiger’s butt. The story is steeped in religious philosophy and involves forgiveness, but as one of the main characters does some pretty despicable things, it is hard to have any sort of empathy for the character.

Besides the puppet tiger, the main attraction of When Hell Broke Loose is the visits to Chinese Hell. As you may already know, the concept of Hell in China is complicated, with a mix of Buddhism, Taoism, and a lot of local beliefs. Exactly what parts make up hell depends on which mixture you are using. Hell is called Diyu (地狱) and is basically a place where you go to get punished/tortured for your various sins until you achieve atonement and get reincarnated to the next life. The most common depictions of Diyu have 10 courts ruled by the 10 Yama kings, but there are also depictions of 4 or 18 levels. When Hell Broke Loose seems to follow the 18 level route, but as 18 is a simplification of the 134 levels in the Buddhist text Wen Diyu Jing (問地獄經), you can see how this is complicated. Here is an interesting article about a place called Haw Par Villa, sort of a museum/amusement park with statues of the various demons and tortures of the 10 levels of hell. Some of the creatures and tortures depicted show up in this film.

When Hell Broke Loose has a lot of random scenes of people being tortured in Chinese Hell. Not so many it can be sold as a torture porn film, but at least 10-15 minutes of scenes added just to spice up the Monk wandering around Diyu. A few scenes fit in with the movie’s story of redemption and atonement for past sins, but the bulk were just added as gonzo exploitation fare. That gets really nuts when the secret ending of When Hell Broke Loose is revealed! What is the secret ending? You’ll have to read it below!

There is precious little information about When Hell Broke Loose, I can’t find it on any database, nor the director, and the only actors IDed anywhere are Yu Tien Lung and Wen Chiang Lung.

The film opens with like 9000 words onscreen as the camera zooms into the faces of golden Buddhas, but as the words are in Chinese I can only read like 10 of them. So: Something, something, something, something, something, something, 18 gates, something something person, something, many somethings. And now you know the prologue to When Hell Broke Loose! Tell your friends! Call your enemies! Email the guy stuck in traffic next to you on the freeway!

Lai Yu-Sun (???) – A gang leader who is an evil rapist murdering jerk for most of the movie, and he’s the hero. Yep. He learns forgiveness or something after a few minutes of meditating and fighting a tiger. If the Unabomber fights a tiger, he’ll become magically powered and blessed by the gods. Think about that as you slave away at work not bombing people.
Monk Mu Lien (???) – The Monk who helps everyone learn about forgiveness because he’s a cool monk. And he goes for strolls in Hell.
Young Master (???) – Names are for losers, hence Young Master never gets a name. He does get his fiancee Yen King-Hwa kidnapped and murdered on his wedding day by Lai Yu-Sun.
Yen King-Hwa (???) – The object of affection for Lai Yu-Sun who goes into a murderous rage after two minutes of meeting her and being denied her hand in marriage. He kills her in a fit of rage when she responds to her attempted rape by him with a stabbing response. Once again a woman does nothing wrong and is horribly humiliated and murdered.
Superintendent Lai-Po (???) – Lai Yu-Sun’s chief Lieutenant, who has many dreams about his master being tortured in hell. Thus, he tries to save his evil master.
Tiger Puppet – The most realistic tiger puppet ever made.

InMovie News

WarGames reboot comes with the pun already set

June 28, 2011By

WarGames next on the reboot list. If you’re wondering what WarGames might be like in a post-9-11/terrorism world, WarGames 2 lets you know, and is probably better that whatever dumb thing this will turn out to be. Will Our Hero belong to a mysterious group of hackers known as Unknownimous or LOLsection? Will he be played by a former Disney heartthrob? Will there be more exploding buses than the Footloose remake? Find out, when WarGames proves the only winning move was not to reboot.
WarGames 2

InMovie News

Revenge of the Jocks, Bad Teacher, and anti-intellectualism propaganda

June 28, 2011By

Revenge of the Jocks is an actual film coming out, with a plotline featuring a bunch of former high school jocks far beyond their glory days incensed that the people they beat up all through high school are now their bosses and rich and successful. It’s directed by Jeff Tremaine (the Jackass trilogy) and originally scripted by Etan and Rami Cohen (Etan Cohen worked on Tropic Thunder and Idiocracy) but getting rewritten by I heart Huckabees’s Jeff Baena. Though Etan Cohen and Jeff Baena are a bright ray of hope, Revenge of the Jocks being directed by Tremaine makes it seem that the film will showcase a whole pack of awful people as heroes, who bully and shove their way through life, and set out to destroy people freed from their tyranny. I can hope this will be set up as a nice homage to Revenge of the Nerds, but with the track record of Hollywood, this will probably turn out a colossal train wreck celebrating the dumb and mean.

To further elaborate my point, there is currently a film out there that celebrates the awful, Bad Teacher starring Cameron Diaz. As illustrated in this review, Diaz’s character is an awful teacher who doesn’t care about her students and is motivated entirely by money. The characters who do care about their students are presented and weird and warped, and painted as the villains. In the end, Diaz’s character learns nothing and fails to grow as a person.

This miniwave of anti-intellectualism films is disappointing to say the least, but is probably a natural offshoot of summer blockbuster films designed by committee to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Even Transformers 3 is getting faint praise for being not as awful as Transformers 2, but despite the critical drubbing Transformers 3 will get, it will also be extremely profitable, and not inspire filmmakers to go above and beyond the limited box they’re placed in. There is no incentive to be better, studios are focused on trying to get people to go pay more to see awful films in 3D, and the consumer loses again. Sometimes, the winning move is to stay home and read a book.
cat in dunce hat

Batbabe
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie (Review)

June 26, 2011By

Batbabe: The Dark Nightie


2009
Written by John Bacchus and Michael Raso
Directed by John Bacchus

Seduction Cinema strikes again, putting out two super-hero themed erotic parodies to cash in on the summer of the super-hero, the Iron Man parody The Insatiable IronBabe was the other. We’re focusing on Batbabe: The Dark Nightie this time out, because that’s the one we have a copy of!

One of the least erotic erotic movies I have ever seen, it is basically a parody film with naked chicks and dildos. Although I don’t think anyone was going into this expecting high art, there were probably some late night watchers who were expecting it to be a bit sexy. But Batbabe is not the type of softcore film you would be watching with your girlfriend or wife, it’s more of the film you watch alone, or with a group of guys. It does have plenty of lame jokes, and the entire film is just one long filthy joke. And there is an audience for that, so they get what they want. I believe there is a place in the world for films like Batbabe, and will not disparage the people who would watch it. Heck, we enjoyed Seduction Cinema’s Kinky Kong, but were less impressed with their outings Bikini Girls on Dinosaur Planet, Vampire Vixens, and That 70′s Girl.

One can probably go on a long essay about turning a dark film such as The Dark Knight into a softcore comedy, with the many themes or elements borrowed, missing, or twisted. But this will not be such an essay, because that essay would probably be boring and focus too much on The Dark Knight, a film that’s been analyzed to death by internet message boards.

Batbabe/Wendy Wayne (Darian Caine) – Wendy Wayne is a stripper by day and Batbabe by night. Which probably loses her all the big bucks as the high-paying customers are at night. Crime-fighting doesn’t pay. Darian Caine is also in the reviewed Kinky Kong and Vampire Vixens.
Luscious Foxx (Smoke Williams) – Batbabe’s Lucius is her strip club manager Luscious, but he still gives her cool gadgets and sage advice.
The Jerker (Rob Mandara) – The Jerker likes to jerk. His wang. This appears to be Rob Mandara’s only role to date.
DA Henrietta Bent (Molly Heartbreaker) – Bent bends both ways and flips a coin to see who is on top! Molly Heartbreaker is easily recognizable in any sex scene due to the flames tattooed on her boobs. Had a small role in Kinky Kong, and who could forget her role in Topless Tapioca Wrestling?
Commissioner Boredom (John Paul Fedele as Clancy Fitzsimmons) – When there is a big case in Bacchum City, you can be assured Commissioner Boredom knows about it and still has no trouble going to sleep instead of doing anything!

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