Parody Titles

The Hills Have Thighs. Cleavagefield. Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes. These films and many more are part of the proud tradition of softcore films with parody titles. But there is a problem is parody title land!

James “Bubba” Cromer is a guy who made a film called The Hills Have Thighs that is some sort of lame comedy film, and he saw a listing for “The Hills Have Thighs” and Cieimax at 1:30 AM. Now, only a moron doesn’t know what kind of films are airing at 1:30 AM on Cinemax, and those films rarely feature people wearing clothes. Needless to say, Cromer was in for a shock as this was not his “Thighs” but the softcore one shot by Jim Wynorski. Like any sane person, Cromer hired a lawyer and decided to sue for “extreme humiliation, mortification and emotional distress.” What a moron.

Cromer’s idiot decision has also caused the latest crop of Bikini films that Fred Olen Ray is planning to have some title trouble, as the studios are now rejecting every parody title film offered to them over the title alone. Now, Fred Olen Ray can rename the films whatever he wants on the DVD releases (and often does), but to get them on Cinemax he has to struggle to get titles approved (which is proving harder than you would think, and titles he thinks they’ll reject are getting put through, while safer titles are being send back, sometimes after being approved) Jim Wynorski has also lost sales of Paraknockers Activity based on the title.

Basically, things are a mess, and it is all Cromer’s fault because he is a giant baby. Maybe you shouldn’t have put a pun in your film title that was old when Mad Magazine used it in their James Bond parodies!

But the good news is we are getting four new Bikini films for next year, which is great and I haven’t even gotten around to seeing the five that came out this year!

As an aside, FOR made a film called Hybrid years ago, and SyFy also has an original movie called Hybrid, that whenever it airs uses the description of Ray’s film in place of the newer one. So, SyFy, you are on notice!

New Review – Makin

The new review is Makin, a Thai softcore vampire film that is cheaper than a McDonalds minimeal and leaves you less satisfied. In fact, a McDonalds minimeal sounds pretty good right now, except for the fact that McDonalds is outside and I am lazy. So I guess I’ll eat this salad we have at home. Needs more Russian dressing…

Oh, Makin sucks, but at least we got lots of photos and a movie clip! Read it today! And bring by some McNuggets if you’re stopping by…too lazy to go to out!

If hot stars were blackened

This got posted on a Chinese news site because China news knows little about the history of race relations in America and won’t get how this is pretty ridiculous. And totally racist because they made them ugly as sin. But now you can see all your favorite stars…If They Were Black!

Being Black apparently means you have a giant nose, giant lips, and dark skin. Even if your lips are already huge, now they are huger. And everyone looks hideous. Avert your eyes, and your stomachs.

kristenstewartblack.jpg
Kristen Stewart – It’s crazy seeing this pale ghost of a woman even have a slight tan, much less the horror we have here.

LadyGagaBlack.jpg
Lady Gaga – of all the celebrities, I expect this to be an actual Lady Gaga look one day.

AngelinaJolieBlack.jpg
Angelina Jolie – Lips….bigger…cannot…contain…lips….

MeganFoxBlack.jpg
Megan Fox – And yet, still not as racist as the actual Transformers movies

JenniferanistonBlack.jpg
Jennifer Aniston – Finally, we got black people on Friends! Except she doesn’t really look black.

BradPittBlack.jpg
Brad Pitt – the lone man to get the “treatment”, Brad Pitt is now oranger than an Oompah Loompah.

MadonnaBlack.jpg
Madonna – Like a Black Virgin

ScarlettJohanssonBlack.jpg
Scarlett Johansson – Someone took “Black Widow” a little too literal…

ShakiraBlack.jpg
Shakira – They Blackified someone who isn’t white???

Notice how no Asian celebrity got Blackified…

Makin

Makin (Review)

Makin

aka The Vampire

????
Directed by ????

Makin’ what? Bacon? Cookies? Babies? Probably babies, as that’s what several of the characters attempt to do in a roundabout faction.

Makin is an obscure as frak Thai film that is sort of unique in the Asian vampire genre in that the vampires are solely Western-style vampires! No one is hopping around, no one has their head flying off and zooming around while their guts hang low. It’s all traditional Dracula. I could go on about how there are a limited number of Western Vampires in Eastern Vampire films (most notably in Vampire vs. Vampire and The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula) but most people reading this are so far under a false assumption there will be pictures of naked Thai chicks down below. In fact, there are only pictures of semi-naked Thai chicks, or naked Thai chicks with strategically placed objects. So for the big Eastern/Western vampire discussion you’ll have to wait until I get around to actually reviewing Vampire vs. Vampire, which could happen one day since I own it.

The best widescreen money can buy!

You might not be surprised to know that there is a plethora of low-budget softcore films produced in Thailand (which has a reputation as a sex tourist destination) but as most of them (at least the ones available on eThaicd.com) are barely-there plots about dudes seducing chicks and other boring things that would barely rate a Skinimax softcore film. But even in the boring masses there are a few wacky gems. Previously we’ve run across weird Thai softcore flick Hidden 2002, a movie about loose women at a hotel and the men who secretly video tape them. Finding out information on Thai films in general is almost impossible, and softcore films are talked about even less. And obscure crazy softcore crap like this you have a better chance of tapdancing with a shark than finding out info about this (unless you are fluent in Thai, and even then you will probably have troubles.) Makin is a production of the Prohand Production Group (who’s symbol is a thumbs up! Someone tell Roger Ebert!) and Prohand Home Video. They aren’t anti-hand, they are prohand.

YOU are the reason Edward Cullen won’t return my fan letters!

Oh, subtitles? Forget it! But TarsTarkas.NET don’t need no stinking subtitles! We also don’t need to know who the heck the actors are, so here are all the notable characters (pretty much every character minus one)

Makin (???) – Makin is a Vampire who looks amazingly like Dracula but is totally not Dracula because Dracula would never be this lazy. He’s the laziest mofo in the universe.
Cool Guy (???) – Cool Guy is the main male character who is a totally cool, as shown by the fact he has sunglasses, a motorcycle, and a girl who puts out. Thus, he gets to kill Makin, who was makin’ the beast with two backs with his girl Dah.
Red Hair (???) – Red Hair is one of Cool Guy’s buddies who works on motorcycles and does nothing else until Cool Guy decides he needs some buddies to go all Monster Squad on Makin.
Bandanna (???) – Bandanna is Cool Guy’s other buddy, the one who looks like he could also be cool if he had a motorcycle and a girl who puts out, but he doesn’t so he is not as cool.
Mattei (???) – Mattei is a geeky guy who lives in a shack behind a house filled with hot chicks, and becomes the thrall of Makin or something. This means Makin yells at Mattei in his head until Mattei seduces some women so Makin can have sex with them. So basically the bonus to being a vampire thrall is you get migraines! Maybe I am a vampire thrall, except my migraines are only slightly related to a vampire yelling at me.
Priest A Don (???) – It is nice to know that priests in Thailand are just as screwy about sexuality as priests in America. Even if this is a fictional priest made perverted for comedic purposes.
Dah (???) – Dah is Cool Guy’s best girl, and she becomes the target of Makin because she lives in the house of hot chicks.
Pau (???) – Pau is a hot chick who gets vampired up, Makin style.
Mitta (???) – Mitta is a hot chick who gets vampired up, Makin style.
Landlord (???) – Eh, everyone else was getting a listing, so might as well give him one as well. I am guessing he is supposed to be the dad to the three girls or something, but it is more fun to pretend he just rents his house out to a bunch of hot chicks and a creepy dude. And since no one will ever write about this film in English again there is no one to stop me! MuHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Fairly Oddparents Grow Up timmy Turner

Live action Fairly Oddparents movie footage is amazing

From a panel at SDCC, footage from the live action Fairly Oddparents movie A Fairly Odd Movie: Grow Up Timmy Turner! is shown, with some comments by the director. This footage is amazing, especially when Timmy Turner gives the overacting teacher atomic diarrhea! This will be the best movie ever!

See promo shots here and here

Fairly Oddparents Movie