Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla 2
aka Gojira VS Mekagojira
1993
Directed by Takao Okawara
Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla 2 is not one of my favorite movies in the Heisei series. This is due to several factors, but largely because I hate Babygodzilla. I am a big fan of Minya, but Babygodzilla is just annoying. He fills me with disgust. Parts of this film are pretty great, but besides annoyance at the offspring, other problems creep up. Rodan is pretty much wasted in his only Heisei appearance. He does little more than show up, get beat up, and then die. Twice. The music is also odd, partially because it is inspired by King Kong Escapes and not a Godzilla film. And let’s just not go into how annoying it is to have multiple films with the same title!
Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla 2 was released dubbed on VHS years after its release in Japan, it was so delayed that they changed the sprites in a Godzilla video game from the new Mechagodzilla to the older 1974 one because America didn’t even know about this new one. I guess the USA just can’t handle updated robots.
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A lot of things have happened since the last movie. Counter G-Force has recruited big science brains, retrieved the body of Mecha-King Ghidorah, and built superweapons. That’s pretty busy for just a year. They have a super fighter named Garuda, but wanted an even more powerful weapon so they used the Mecha-King Ghidorah technology to a more powerful one…MechaGodzilla! We are told it is made of NT-1 alloy, uses helium-3 as nuclear power, and has a diamond shield.
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Godzilla vs Gay Porn
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Kazuma Aoki is working on the Garuda ship, but is told he has been transferred to G-Force! G-Force has their own building and radar dishes and everything! They are the spoiled princess of the numerous military divisions created to fight Godzilla. The Chief is a jerk, and as Kazuma reports in, The Chief gets another guy named Sonezaki to “drill him”! Wow, hardcore gay sex in a Godzilla film…
Training montage! Meanwhile, an expedition on an island has found pteradon skeletons and…an egg! Not Mothra again! A second egg nearby is broken open. Hmmm… That night, a pteradon is flying around! Rodan! Rodan manages to start a fire as he flies around, and the intact egg (that the expedition took back with them to their campsite) starts glowing. Right now one of the team members tells everyone else that the island is a junkyard of nuclear waste. They find this out just in time to not have any radiation suits or any protection at all. Good job! Must be the Haliburton expedition to the radioactive island. The survivors run to sea, but with a breath blast out of the water, Godzilla emerges! He and Rodan take to fighting as the humans have to find another way to escape.
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Kazuma was always trying to get in the ladies’ locker room!
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The humans get out on a helicopter (which has egg inside) while Godzilla beats the crap out of Rodan. Rodan gets blasted all over. He wasn’t even around a day and Godzilla beating the crap out of him. It’s a hardknock life for Rodan. Kazuma sees the egg on the news, so he just barges in and takes photos of it, making Azusa a tad bit mad. The annoyed mad where you know they will be dating soon. He steals a sample of a plant that was growing on the egg, and she kicks him out.
So the egg they got is changing colors, and they figure out it is because the egg is feeling afraid or upset. They egg also turns red when Azusa leaves the room, so now she has to babysit it 24/7. Psychic Miki picks up something strange from the prehistoric plant sample Kazuma stole, takes it back to the psychic institute for further study by expert psychic kids. Yes, let’s add more children to this film! In one of the creepiest scenes in any Godzilla film, all the kids surround the egg and put out their hands.
Swarms of psychic children are creepy.
The kids figure out that the plant is playing music, which Miki and Kazuma play a sample for for Professor Omae. The sound causes the egg in the other room to hatch! The sounds of New Wave strike again.
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Is there anything more disturbing than hordes of psychic Japanese children?
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What comes out of this egg? Babygodzilla!
Whaaaa??
Yes, Babygodzilla, the dumbest Godzilla kid of them all. Minya and Godzooky built a clubhouse with a “No Babygodzilla” sign. FYI, I hate Babygodzilla irrationally, in case you missed the Godzilla Island reviews. Kazuma declares that Babygodzilla is kind of cute, which is a big overstatement because he is ugly. This whole section with a kid in the Babygodzilla suit is like an episode of Dinosaurs, so it is sort of weird that way. The scientists declare that Babygodzilla is a Godzillasaurus, and that he eats plants. I see they are retconning like they’re a Terminator sequel or something. They feed the disgusting thing some plants while professor Omae theorizes about parasite eggs and cuckoos. I guess the writer read some Robert Trivers.
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Godzilla has only been attacking Japan for 40 years at this point, you would think he would know better.
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Godzilla! He’s attacking the city because the scientists are too stupid to figure out that the egg (and now Babygodzilla) is calling Godzilla. Wait, ignore that plot point for a few more paragraphs. Let’s ready Mechagodzilla!
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No, you take off, Hoser!
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Mechagodzilla takes forever to ready. Forget Thunderbirds Are Go, we got T…….H……..U…….
So slow…
Mechagodzilla flies out and lands near Godzilla, which you probably guessed is what happens since Mechagodzilla is supposed to fight Godzilla. Mechagodzilla begins with a hover attack with its mega-buster. Mechagodzilla also fires, eye beams, plasma grenade (beams out of its stomach) knocking Big G over, paralyzer missiles, and shock anchor. This last stuff is wires fired into Godzilla which shocks him, sort of like a super tazer. This works out fine until weird stuff happens and the power discharge goes backwards!
Mirror tazer attack! This is part of “Godzilla gets a new random power each movie” skills, like his flying in Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster, or his electric powers in Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (1974), or the flying kick from Godzilla vs. Megalon.
Mechagodzilla is messed up, the engine room is on fire and Godzilla has glowy red eyes. Okay, that isn’t a problem with Mechagodzilla, more like Godzilla’s refusal to use Visene. It will be a problem for Mechagodzilla (who can’t move) as Godzilla gets up and just shoves Mechagodzilla over. Godzilla doesn’t even deem Mechagodzilla worthy of wasting breath blast energy to blow up, and walks away.
The army brass is panicking and sends in a bunch of jets to attack and be destroyed. One of the jet groups is the Green Hornet Squadron. Big G heads to Kyoto as the jets and tanks and masers attack and all get smashed.
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Kenji got all the girls with his fancy ptero-car!
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Kazuma is still in the lab, having not even been notified of the scramble to attack Godzilla, the replacement of him in the Mechagodzilla crew, and the destruction of Mechagodzilla. No one in the lab has figured out that Godzilla reappeared and had two major battles on the same island as Kyoto. Or that he was heading to Kyoto. Until he was in Kyoto. Right… They don’t have the news in Japan? Emergency alert systems after being attacked by giant monsters multiple times in the past few years?
Then they think maybe, just maybe, Babygodzilla is calling Godzilla. Maybe. DO YOU THINK??????
What is this, remedial science?
They head to the basement as Godzilla closes in on the huge huge science lab building they are in. That’s some nice funding to afford a 40-50 story tall building! But remember, this is the alternate reality with the giant science center that looks like it’s NORAD that tracks Godzilla. Godzilla starts to smash up the building, and Babygodzilla’s eyes get red until Azusa comfort him. Godzilla then leaves as Babygodzilla’s red eyes go normal.
After Kazuma returns to G-Force, he gets transfered by Captain Takuya Sasaki to be in charge of the parking lot! Maybe you should have invested in a pager instead of going dinosaur egg hunting. Babygodzilla is moved to new location while Mechagodzilla is fixed. I hope Babygodzilla is moved somewhere that doesn’t have a lot of people nearby, because otherwise they are stupid.
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Who gave Babygodzilla some Colt 45?
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Babygodzilla has a second brain in its waist, so they theorize Godzilla does also and will attack that weak point. It will be Codename: G-crusher. I was thinking Codename: G-Spot, but, whatever. Kazuma tells Dr. Asimov about how they can fix up Garuda to be more powerful and thus not need to dratically overhaul Mechagodzilla, and Asimov agrees and gets Kazuma his job back. That is the power of the laws of robotics. Amazing how in the alternate reality with the more science funding Isaac Asimov not only stayed alive longer but because a leading researcher on building giant robot dinosaurs. That’s why we need more science funding!
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Secret Fact: All helicopter groups are named after Nicholas Cage movies!
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Kazuma then takes Azusa on a ride on his pteradon-shaped flying robot thing. And that is not a sex euphemism. It crashes a bit after takeoff, and that is also not a sex euphemism, but probably will be for their first official date. A bunch of psychic Japanese girls led by Miki come in and sing a creepy song for Babygodzilla. Babygodzilla starts to freak out it is so weird. I would freak out too, this is Children of the Corn style stuff! It was supposed to be the plant’s music, so why they would sing a song that makes the Babygodzilla get lots of power I don’t know. Stupid Japanese children ruin everything! Imagine three dozen female Kennys with weird powers and you have this scene.
Rodan wake up and is now Fire Rodan, glowing and sparkling and shooting fire from his mouth. Why? Just because, damn it! The movie won’t even explain that there is no explanation, we just are supposed to go along with the fact that Rodan was always supposed to be Fire Rodan.
G-Force has come up with a new plan – lure Godzilla to uninhabited islands by using Babygodzilla. Miki is to be on Mechagodzilla to find location of second brain, she is less than pleased at the plan. So they are going to lure him but also kill him? With the two brains, you might say Godzilla is of two minds on the subject! But you probably wouldn’t because you don’t make lame jokes like I do. Babygodzilla is loaded onto crate, Asuza joins him so he doesn’t get scared. The crate is transported by being dangled from a helicopter, but there is a problem as Rodan has been spotted.
The chopper Lizard One is smashed up and the crate is free-falling. Cue Tom Petty. Rodan (excuse me, Fire Rodan) grabs the crate with his claws and flies off. Mechagodzilla and Garuda are called into action. Thunderbirds are go! Kazuma is in the Garuda (he isn’t supposed to be) – to continue the sex references, Kazuma’s helmet says “A. Johnson” on it! Is there a single Heisei movie not filled with disgusting sex euphemisms?
Fire Rodan is just circling around the city now with no plan. Rodan, you putz. He drops the container and stars banging on it with his beak. Okay, I guess that is better than just wandering around. Mechagodzilla lands, and as Fire Rodan fires breath blasts at it, Kazuma is told to distract the monster so it will go away from the container and Mechagodzilla can blast it with grenades that are really energy blasts.
Garuda does its duty and distracts Rodan (both it and Mechagodzilla fire blasts at it) but in the dogfight the Garuda gets bellyrammed and crashes into a building. Garuda gets neutered. Now it is Mechagodzilla vs. Rodan, and Fire Rodan is blasted into a skyscraper. Rodan pops up and pecks out a Mechagodzilla eye (well, the right eye laser cannon) but gets a plasma grenade blast at point blank range and is sent reeling. Fire Rodan is out of action. The spark has just gone out of him. He was extinguished. Somebody hosed him off. The flame has been snuffed.
But then…Godzilla arrives!
Which shouldn’t be a surprise since his name is in the title. The two titans blast at each other, but Mechagodzilla is damaged from the prior battle and soon Godzilla is tossing Mechagodzilla around like a tin doll. Godzilla starts smashing the fallen Mechagodzilla up, having learned his lesson that if you leave the metal thing along it just comes back to annoy you again. By now Kazuma has repaired the Garuda and distracts Godzilla so Mechagodzilla can get upright. Why don’t we just rename the Garuda to Distracta? The fighters knock Godzilla over, and then prepare for Super Mechagodzilla formation!
The Garuda will be merging with Mechagodzilla – this is the beginning of the ridiculous extra guns on Mechagodzilla that was followed through on Godzilla x Mechagodzilla. Mechagodzilla floats around and blasts Big G with all the weapons. After some intense action sequences that might not be suited for younger viewers (I lie), Big G falls.
They fire tranquilizer missiles. Miki then locates the second brain (after some apprehension) and Mechagodzilla fires the cables into it, and then tazers the second brain (this worked so well last time I can’t see anything going wrong!)
Actually, it works, Godzilla collapses, defeated. Aren’t you glad I didn’t make a “Don’t taze my second brain, bro!” joke? Too bad, because I did disguised as saying I didn’t make the joke! Gotchya, suckas!
Kazuma then leaves the Garuda ship on his flying pterodactyl-hover car and swoops down to where they are rescuing Babygodzilla and Azusa from the crate. Mechagodzilla then starts to kill Godzilla. Babygodzilla freaks out and lets out a yell, waking up Fire Rodan. We didn’t start the Fire Rodan floats over to Godzilla, collapses onto him, and sends his life energy over to help heal Godzilla’s second brain and give him more power. Fire Rodan disappears, and then Godzilla wakes up super-powered and ready for action. Super Godzilla destruction action!
Godzilla can fire blasts so powerful that the diamond armor plate on Mechagodzilla is melting. Hey, this happened to Super-X2, why is it a surprise? Godzilla has a new red beam that they call a hyperbeam that Godzilla keeps blasting at Mechagodzilla, and Mechagodzilla is no match. Soon the metal beast falls over and is burning. Maybe he will become Fire Super Mechagodzilla! Not. The pilots escape because we can’t have multiple characters die in a movie.
Babygodzilla is going to be taken away by his dad, but Babygodzilla doesn’t want to go. He also doesn’t want Azusa to leave, so he cries. Yes, rubber dinosaur tears. Is Godzilla aware he has toenails bigger than his son? Azusa tells Miki to use her telepathy to make Godzilla realize he should take care of his son and get him out of the city and far away. Miki also calms down Babygodzilla. Why didn’t Miki just keep doing this? And use Miki or those other freak psychic children to tell Godzilla to go away from Japan? She’s done it before. The plan would work fine and no one would die.
Godzilla and son then march off to the sea. It would be neat except this is the bastard stupid son, not the cool son Minya. Then people start saying those dumb philosophical stuff they always say at the end of Godzilla films, this time everyone is convinced there will be a dinosaur age after the age of humans is over. I think the radiation from Godzilla has made them all stupid.
The end! And not a moment too soon! Despite all the cool effects, parts of the film made no sense, Babygodzilla was horrible, the human characters were forgettable, Rodan was a wasted cameo, and Godzilla wins thanks to voodoo dinosaur soul magic. At least it broke the streak of having Godzilla flown off to the middle of the sea and dropped into the ocean.
Still, the movie could have been worse. There were other endings planned, including one where Mechagodzilla killed Godzilla and Godzilla transfers his energy to Babygodzilla who grows into the new Godzilla. Hey, they reused that one, but at least we didn’t get two movies where Godzilla was really that loser Babygodzilla. There was another ending where instead of Fire Rodan reviving Godzilla, it was the damaged nuclear core of the Garuda. But then the Garuda couldn’t go all Voltron and attach to make Super Mechagodzilla, so that got scrapped. Would any of those endings have made it if Ishiro Honda directed this film like he was originally supposed to (before dying instead of directing)? Who knows. Maybe you should invent travel to alternate dimensions like on Sliders and pick up the DVD. And get Star Trek: The Original Series Season 4 while you are at it.
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Rated 7/10 (Electro-reverse, Babygodzilla is a Terminator, Futuristic computer games, General Yellsalot, Lizard 1, Rodan ain’t getting up after this one!, Regenerating brain)
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