One Million AC/DC
1969
Starring
Susan Berkely as ???
Gary Ken as ???
Billy Wolf as ???
Sharon Wells as ???
Jack King as ???
Natasha as ???
Directed by Ed De Priest
Written by Ed Wood, Jr!!!! (as Akdon Telmig)
“This film meets requirements set forth in the code of the ADULT FILM PRODUCERS ASSOCIATION.” Too bad it doesn’t meet requirements set forth by GOOD FILMMAKING!
AC/DC is a detestable mess full of repulsive, greasy actors going at it like chimpanzees on Spanish fly. The incomparable One Million AC/DC is on a DVD with The Mighty Gorga, and probably because they both share a common T-Rex puppet used for bad special effects. The puppet, however, is the pinnacle of effects in AC/DC, as opposed to the low point in The Mighty Gorga. They get worse, much worse. The puppet isn’t even used half the time, otherwise it is a static plastic toy tyrannosaurs who moved by a hand just below the fake mountains. Now, bad special effects can be forgiven if there is a good story. There story here is just an excuse to get the cast naked so the audience can get off. Written by Akdon Telmig, who you might know better as Ed Wood, Jr.!!! Yes, after becoming a depressed alcoholic, Ed Wood was forced to write semi-adult films under pseudonyms. Besides this mess, he also wrote the cult classic about a Venus flytrap man The Revenge of Dr. X, which we’ll be reviewing the second we get a hold of a copy. The one redeeming factor on the film’s terrible pun title is you can make jokes about AC/DC songs: “He’s got big balls, And she’s got big balls, But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all” That would get old quick, so we won’t be doing it. The plot is around a tribe of cavepeople, and their sex, orgies, sacrifices, and winemaking. Exciting stuff, and historically accurate, just like the movies The Patriot and Braveheart.
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Volcanoes spew volcano stuff (scientists call it “lava”!) and then some cave guys mill about near their cave. The leading actor caveman, a Peter Graves-looking guy named Olaf, announces “These grapes will make enough wine for the virgin sacrifice and the orgy!” That’s great! The movie then wastes no time with the “oohs” and the “oogs” as the whole tribe seems to be going at it. Lots of cave couples, made up of actors who can’t get better parts than writhing around naked on the floor of a dirty cave.
Two girls grab a girl to sacrifice, and soon the three of them are topless and groping each other. A hippy caveman artist named Banger paints and other cavepeople look on. Only something written back in 1969 would have a hippy caveman painter. Sort of like that terrible Star Trek episode with the space hippies! That would never get a greenlight today, and for good reason. The lesbian sex scene is as erotic as roadkill disintegrating under the hot summer sun. Before I’ve been surprised that I would ever find lesbian sex scenes uninteresting, but now thanks to movies like Escape From Hell and Female Vampire I’m a pro at ignoring dirty, unattractive women have lesbian sex. The sacrificial weapon is brought forward — a three-foot dildo! The chief is a sumo-wrestling-looking guy, who we’ll call Chief Jabba. The sacrificial girl screams when the stick is inserted into her quivering loins, and then starts to enjoy it. Hey, my uninterested writing about this screen is actually an improvement over the way it is presented, and is probably much more erotic as well. Ed Wood sure has a healthy view on sexuality. The “sacrifice” makes her super-horny, so she’s ready to do two other cave-dudes who are fighting each other to sex her up. One bashes the other’s head with a rock. Quick question, with all the orgies and sex going on, how are there any virgins in this tribe? Plus, there are no kids, either. Did they all leave, like in Larry Clark’s Teenage Caveman? I think we found an unofficial sequel! This is certainly written like the Teenage Caveman remake, with lots of pointless sex. The sex that follows then goes on for a bit, and we get some hot and steamy action! By that, I mean the footage of lava flowing that is briefly intercut. The sex scene makes you wish you had some spoiled milk around, as it is more erotic.
Now the sacrifice must be cleansed by a girl. Yes, lesbian action here. He’s cleansed, kissed, and lesbianed all up. Outside, a cavewoman named Helga is picking fruit, and being watched by a gorilla. Or a guy in a gorilla suit. We cut back, and the “cleansing” is still going on, and the painter is still painting. Helga is kidnapped by the gorilla. No one notices, they are too busy cleansing and also having sexual intercourse. The background music is some sort of buzzing wail, which must have been recorded live inside a hornet’s nest. More cleansing. More. More. Hey, the b—- is clean now! Stop with the cleansing! Enough! It sucks! I now hate all things clean! War is declared on those scrubbing bubbles!
The gorilla takes Helga to his cave, and then he starts to gorilla molest her, and she screams, until she enjoys it. Ed Wood, man. This falls right in to the constant fear of man that he will lose his women to wild beasts of the jungle. Or something. Whatever, Ed Wood is deep. Deep in a pile of crap! Cut to a red-tinted scene of lizards from One Million BC, and then a shot of Chief Jabba saying “Tragedy is happening!” No crap, buddy boy! The tragedy is this film, and it’s happening in my DVD player!
The T-Rex puppet from Gorga appears! And a immobile, solid plastic toy is used in long shots of the fearsome T-Rex, as an off-screen hand moves the toy around. This is the most bargain basement special effect imaginable. Even Ed Wood didn’t get this low in the movies he directed! The puppet rips the top off of a girl (is this dinosaur rape???) and eats her as other cavemen hold weapons. The plastic toy dinosaur then leaves. “Tragedy is done!” say Chief Jabba. No, Chief Jabba, the tragedy has only just begun, and won’t end until one of us is dead. And I have the power to snap DVDs in half!! More cave sex then transpires with another couple, but it ends in tragic misery, as the male is killed by another guy, just for being in the way of him getting some grapes. Yeah. Caveman rules must be like prison rules. Rock to the head, shiv to the back, don’t bend over in the Mastodon Shower…
Now the cavemen have a nightclub setup in their cave, complete with doorman and stamps for entry. Except instead of hand stamps, the women get stamps on their butts! More slow, dull sex with dirty, unappealing losers. Hilda escapes the gorilla cave, but the gorilla goes out and calls her back by wagging his finger. She gives an “eh, why not?” expression. EWWWWWWW!!! The missing girl Helga is now called Mia (what?) and another cave guy is worried about her. She tries to escape again, but the gorilla wants more sex. The worried guy goes out to kill the T-Rex, thinking that it got her. He throws his spear, misses, and I guess he gets eaten as a girl screams and we never see him again. Bye-bye, worried guy! Olaf goes out with a spear also, but he is ineffective against the mighty T-Rex puppet/toy. Toss as he might, his weapons only fly a few wobbly feet ahead of him. Olaf is obviously not a javelin thrower. Olaf runs away back into the cave and says he needs to think of something else to beat the monster.
Orgy Time! Lots of FFN and the artist gets ganged up on by girls, but loses his brush. Olaf and another guy named Kenya look at the T-Rex. Kenya has a Russian accent like all cavepeople. They will keep people away from the cave opening and wait out the T-Rex. So then more thrashing lesbians in need of a man begin fondling the long sacrificial stick as Kenya tells them not to go near the opening. Some other cave people have sex “Rhinoceros style” which is lying on their sides. Ed Wood, man. More red-tinted scenes from Lost World, and more sex set to buzzing music. We cut back and forth between the Rhino sex and the lesbians. None are attractive, it’s like debating which Golden Girl you’d sleep with. OKAY, we get it! The cavepeople like sex. With ANYONE. This script must be one page long, double spaced. Ed Wood is a genius.
The painter is still painting (I guess he found his brush) That night, a plot develops. Olaf and Marla talk, she doesn’t want him sleeping with Luga in orgies anymore. Drama bomb, huh? Maybe if we knew any of these women and why Olaf is more liking of Marla and not Luga. Or why Luga and Marla seem to be mortal enemies. Perhaps because Marla is a brunette and Luga is a blonde? I think so. Background sex is still happening, and Banger shows some other guys his dirty cave paintings. “Do you have any filthy pictures of your sister?” asks Banger. “Want to see some?” he offers. Instead of the caveman punching out Banger, he is eager to see the bad stick figure cave drawings of his sister, and gets far too excited for my taste. Ed Wood, man! The background sex continues, and the song even changes. Not for the better, it’s more of a neutral shift like switching from smashing your eardrum with a hammer to smashing it with an axe.
Outside, a girl is in a spring washing herself when a blond guy comes by. She runs, but drops her top in the chase. She’s bouncing all over, and then she lets him catch her, and they have sex in the meadow. It is also not exciting or interesting. Is the T-Rex still around? Eat these people, please!! She runs off a few minutes into cunnilingus, and he chases again. There are well defined footpaths at whatever park they filmed at. They end the chase in a field of giant yellow flowers. Sex. Sex. Sex. More sex. Erotic as a smurf holocaust.
The happy soundtrack playing now degrades, and sounds like a malfunctioning sexbot trapped in a furnace. Or a guitar being used to beat a cat. Or a lute being smashed by a jackhammer. Needless to say, it sucks.
Olaf finds out people went near the opening. “It’s so horrible!” Chief Jabba says: “The Orgy!” What was all that other sex, practice? More boring, unappealing sex. As erotic as Mesozoic rock studies, especially since it is just men eating food women bring them. Finally, an actual orgy, which is as erotic as Santa in a thong. More wine, more eating, more sex. Also, Hilda leaves the gorilla cave again, but he picks her up for more wild monkey sex.
Luga kisses Olaf, so Marla attacks her. As they fight (to cheers) shots of lizards fighting from King Dinosaur are shown. Alligator vs. Gila Monster action! Marla smashes Luga’s head with a rock. She might be dead. “Let the orgy continue!”– Jabba. Some couple has sex off by themselves. As erotic as–oh, never mind. Finally, it’s over. We then get a LAME beaver joke, so bad I almost want the unappealing sex back. Olaf is challenge by some random guy over Marla, and they go out to fight. The T-Rex must be on a smoke break or something. Olaf kills the guy, and the T-Rex is revealed to just be watching. Inside, Banger invents the bow and arrow by painting it, and Kenya will make a real one, thanks to the detailed blueprints of paint smudges on a wall.
Bad poem song time (To the tune of For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow)
The spear goes in the monster
The spear goes in the monster
The spear goes in the monster
The monster loses his mind!
AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! Ed Wood!!!!!
Kenya builds a bow and arrow (except he calls the bow “arrow” and vice versa.) Olaf holds the weapon backwards as he leaves the cave, saying “I’m off to see the lizard!” He goes and kills the T-Rex, even though the arrow doesn’t even get anywhere close in the shots.
Chief Jabba comments: “Nothing has changed down through the ages. Man has to kill, man has to eat, man has to have his women.” Hilda and The Gorilla then return to the main cave, and she introduces him to the rest of her tribe. It’s a happy ending! Happy because it’s over! The world has never looked so beautiful as it does at this moment! I’m free, free of this pain! No more will plastic dinosaurs haunt me, no more will thoughts of dirty cavepeople humping like diseased yaks on grimy floors sear into my eyeballs! I can block the whole thing out, thanks to the power or trauma repression! So long, foul movie, and if you ever darken my mind again, I’m going the lobotomy route! You will be purged, movie! Forever!
Rated 2/10 (Buttstamp, Concerned Guy)
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