The Asylum megapost

The Asylum is a video production company that used to be known for making neat low budget horror films. Sadly, this past two years it is best known for making terrible movies that are strikingly similar to big budget films being released at the same time. These films are ripe with shoddy production values, bad acting, and are just complete messes.

Here is a nice table of The Asylum’s movies that were made via photocopy machine, complete with breakdown comments.

.thu King of the Lost World – “In this modern retelling of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s fantasy action-adventure classic, a commercial airliner crashes deep in the heart of the Amazon. Now, the survivors must face a mysterious and hostile world inhabited by giant scorpions, dragons, and a simian beast that stands ten stories tall.” Yes, Asylum managed to turn The Lost World into a giant gorilla movie, as well as the TV show Lost. H.G. Wells War of the Worlds – “In this modern retelling of H.G. Wells’ classic sci-fi horror, civilization is laid to ruin when a super race of aliens invades Earth. In a blink of an eye, massive “walkers” cover the planet, annihilating all in their path. As cities crumble and human flesh is ripped from the bone, one man struggles to find the one weapon that will turn the tide for mankind.” (Also retitled as Invasion) One of several War of the Worlds movies to come out that year, this one at least has boobs. It still sucks. Exorcism: The Possession of Gail Bowers – “Based on the horrifying true events that inspired THE EXORCIST, a psychiatrist suggests unorthodox treatment for a young girl displaying erratic and violent behavior. Certain the girl believes she has been possessed by the Devil, the doctor contacts a Catholic priest to perform the Holy Rite of Exorcism. That is when the true horror begins…” Possession movies just suck, unless they are Turkish ripoffs, not American ripoffs! When a Killer Calls – “This modern adaptation of the classic babysitter urban legend that inspired HALLOWEEN and WHEN A STRANGER CALLS, follows a young babysitter who receives a seemingly harmless phone call from an anonymous stranger. This annoyance turns to terror when she finally has the calls traced to inside the house.” A lame ripoff of the remake of When a Stranger Calls, a movie so stupid this would have to work hard to be any dumber. It’s the only entry actually better than the film it’s based on, as that film is so wretched it was hunted down by men on horses with dogs and pumped full of lead so it would never hurt anyone again. The emotional scars will never heal, all we can do is be vigilent that nothing like it comes along again. 666 The Child – “A jet airliner plummets from the sky and into the Earth. From the burning embers rises one lone survivor – a small boy. The childless couple that adopts him will soon discover he is no helpless child, but rather something very powerful, something very dark. This boy is the BEAST and with him he carries the beginning of the end.” The devil kid is named Donald in this film. Donald. Donald Duck, Donald Trump, Donald is not a name for a devil kid. This one somehow is still worse than the remake it’s based on, but only barely. Hillside Cannibals – “The world’s most brutal serial killer was born over 400 years ago. Sawney Bean and his family pillaged, slaughtered, and literally devoured thousands of victims. Even today, the inbred clan of cannibals hides in seaside caves feeding on the flesh of those who pass by.” This has been panned as one of the worst movies of 2006. Inbred cannibals devouring your flesh is probably preferable to watching the film. Pirates of Treasure Island – “An innkeeper’s life of monotony suddenly changes when he comes into possession of a treasure map. Enlisting the help of Long John Silver and his band of cutthroat pirates, he sets off in search of the cursed Skeleton Island.” Another public domain literary book turned big movie ripoff. Just wait until Live Free or Pride and Prejudice Da Vinci Treasure – “Based on historical events, a thrill-seeking forensic anthropologist must unravel the mysterious code locked within the works of Leonardo DaVinci. In his search for the greatest hidden treasure known to man, his hunt turns into a deadly chase around the world, leading to an explosive finale that will shake the foundations of history.” I think this movie is probably more accurate historically than the terrible Dan Brown novel and worse movie. Still, the magic code is up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, B, A, start. Snakes on a Train – “Under a powerful Mayan curse, snakes are hatched inside a young woman, slowly devouring her from within. Her only chance for survival is a powerful shaman who lives across the border. With only hours to live, she jumps on a train headed for Los Angeles. Unfortunately for the passengers aboard, they are now trapped, soon to be victims of these flesh-eating vipers.” Where is Sam Jackson when you need him? The 9/11 Commission Report – “Based on the best selling report by the 9/11 Commission. A thriller in the tradition of TRAFFIC, SYRIANA, and UNITED 93.” This movie is not one I want to touch with a 37 foot pole. Halloween Night – “Based on actual events, a man escapes an insane asylum on October 31st to return to his childhood home in hopes of discovering why his mother was murdered. In order to learn the sick and perverse truth, he must kill everyone in his way, including the family who now lives in the house as well as the guests of the Halloween party.” The actual events is the writer once had a Halloween party, the rest is all made up. That’s not a joke, that’s the truth. Dragon – “In a desperate attempt to save her kingdom from an advancing army of dark elves, Princess Vanir must traverse the haunted forest of Sidhe. With the help of loyal adventurers Cador and Artemir, they encounter the army of elves, a mysterious sorceress, and the powerful dragon that stands in their way.” This terrible movie got what it deserves when TarsTarkas.NET and FantasyFilmscapes.com teamed up to Slay the Dragon.

That is not all.

Upcoming Films:

The Hitchhiker – No synopsis, but it is the Asylum’s answer to 2007’s remake of The Hitcher.

Supercroc – As reported to Foywonder at Dreadcentral by Asylum director Leigh Scott himself, “Supercroc is the story of a giant crocodile that is unleashed upon Southern California. Wackiness and mayhem ensue.” 2007 will have two theatrical croc films, as well as Lake Placid 2 on DVD.

Robot Wars – A sci Fi film with giant robots that fight! Hmmm… actually is not supposed to be a knockoff of Transformers (and won’t even be out until after that movie premieres) Robot Wars will probably be renamed as well.

It also looks like The Asylum is getting back to distributing other films, horror films and the like, the kinds of things that put them on the map before their ridiculous foray into terrible ripoff movies. Lets make the list (and check it twice…):
GOLD ISLAND – No information

LEGENDS – No information

BOMBER – No information

THE BOB MOB – No information

VIRGIN – No information

EMPIRE ANTS – No information

PODS – No information (I hope it is a Body Snatchers ripoff, or even a Pod People sequel with Trumpy returning!)

THE INVISIBLE MAN – Isn’t public domain great? No information

INTREPID – No information

WHITE FLY – No information

THE FOUKE MONSTER: THE TRUTH OF BOGGY CREEK – A giant swamp monster terrorizes the inhabitants of a small town in this based-on-truth story. (WRITTEN BY: JOHN YUAN and MATT YUAN) Hey, another Boggy Creek movie, just what the world was wanting. If Charles B. Pierce shows up, I’m breaking out the shotguns.

CONTAMINATION – An insidious virus threatens to leak out of a secure research center and into the general population. With a gun and some hostages. The Virus wants a boat and no cops following, or the she’s dead!

CROAK – Experimental radioactive waste cause those exposed to mutate into carnivorous frogs. This one might be fun. Keep Kermit in the cellar!

DEAD BY MORNING – A grisled vampire hunter is hired to investigate the assassination of a major political player by the man’s mysterious widow. A bizarre web of shady witnesses and misinformation uncovers an underground vampire culture with plans to make a play for governmental control, and leads to a midnight showdown between the vampires and the one man who can defend the human race. Basically another Blade movie, I don’t know if this guy is black or not. Expect lots of lame goth vampires.

DEATH VALLEY 2: THE RETURN OF BLOODY BILL – The zombies of Sunset Valley rise again under the command of Bloody Bill Anderson when a TV crew comes in to document the strange happenings. Bloody Bill, you jerk!

DEMONIC – On Halloween night, a group of friends playing with a Ouija board inadvertantly calls forth a long-banished demon, intent on destroying the world. Stop playing with Ouija boards, you idiot kids!

H.P. LOVECRAFT’S DUNWICH HORROR – Yuppie couple Max and Kelly think that they have found the perfect Manhattan penthouse with a price tag that seems almost too good to be true. After moving in, however; their creepy neighbors invade their lives and the bodies start to pile up, forcing Max and Kelly to confront the evil that possesses the building. Creepy neighbors, bodies….wait, it’s a remake of The Burbs!

HEAD CHEERLEADER, DEAD CHEERLEADER – The night before the big high school football game, someone is killing off the cheerleading squad one by one with a big ax. I’m guessing one is cut in half and the killer makes a joke about doing the splits. The title screams Lifetime Movie Network.

HOPKINSVILLE CHRONICLES – Based on the “true” Kelly-Hopkinsville story, a UFO sighting in rural Kentucky turns into a night of terror as a family is besieged by horrifying “Little Green Men.” These Little Green Men turn out to be tiny Leprechauns, who are upset that the Kelly-Hopkinsville family stole their lucky charms.

ISLAND OF DEATH – Eccentric billionaire Professor Irving Zaroff lures celebrated big game hunter Sanger Rainsford to his private island, said to be home to the world?s most dangerous game. Once on the island, Rainsford finds that the stakes are higher than he imagined, and all bets are off as the hunter becomes the hunted. Most Deadly Game? Most Remade Movie.

PLACEBO – In exchange for $2500 each, a group of college students agrees to take hallucinogenic drugs and stay locked inside an abandoned wing of the medical school. When some students disappear, the rest wonder if they are in danger or merely under the influence of the experimental narcotics while only a single student, given a placebo instead of the hallucinogens, can guide them to safety or to their doom. Only one student got a placebo? That’s a pretty poor test group.

SLAUGHTER HOUSE – Three college buddies find themselves trapped in a small rural town and at the mercy of three beautiful, and dangerous sisters. Only Sgt. Slaughter can save them! Yo Joe!

SORORITY HOUSE PARTY – What happens when the coolest rock star in the world is held hostage by the hottest sorority babes on campus? The most outrageously rockin? seriously sexy Sorority House Party of all time! (CAST: KIM LITTLE, AVALON ANDERS, ATTILA, APRIL LERMAN) Rock on, dudes! This movie is totally tubular.

THE CHANGLING – A mystical creature changes shape at will, terrorizing the inhabitants of a small town. Odo, one of your Changling friends are killing people again!

THE EXECUTIONER – Based on the true newspaper articles and eyewitness accounts of the serial killers that terrorized California for 30 years. Another “true” story probably based on something the writer overheard at McDonalds.

THE GAME – When a group of friends plays an addictive board game invented in ancient Greece, they are controlled by the evil spirit of Pan, who causes them to act on their most violent fantasies. Now it’s Jumanji meets D&D. If Pan makes nice death jokes and also has some hot goatman on woman sex, maybe this will be worth seeing.

THE RISING – A team of vampire slayers must hunt a mutant strain of the undead. Blade 2 now. Where will Blade 3 be?

THE SECT – After a group of goth teens accidentally summon the demon Baphomet, two priests belonging to a secret sect are charged with exorcising the demon and returning him to hell. Freaking goths, first your crappy vampire movies infest video stores like rats in the sewer, now you’r summoning Baphomet, the demon of lame gothness. Luckily Constantine can stop him.

UNSEEN EVIL – Ten people accept invitations to a terror filled night at a haunted house, only to discover that their darkest fears are alive, and their sins have come back to haunt them inside this supernatural labyrinth. Any chances of escape seem slim as the unseen evil pits best friends against each other, and forces strangers to depend on one another as they fight to survive. Now we’re ripping of House on Haunted Hill.

VAMPIRE CLAN – A team of military-trained vampire hunters battle a clan of female vampires lead by the evil Countess Elizabeth Bathorly (a true legendary vampire from the middle ages). A true vampire, right. I guess this is Blade 3.

VAMPIRE WARS – In a future where the world has been taken over by vampires, a small band of humans must fight to save their species. And Blade 4, which this plot was only a spec script for! Amazing!

Until next time!!