Catman in Boxers Blow
1993 (probably really 1990)
Starring
Jonathan Isgar as Catman
Bruce Fontaine as ???
Kenneth Goodman as ???
Mark King as ???
Kenneth Woods as ???
Directed by Godfrey Ho
There is no boxer in this film. There is Catman! Catman! The savior of Thailand who helped defeat the evil Father Cheever and his gang of jugglers and headbangers while a completely different movie happened in the background is back, while once again a completely different movie happens in the background! This is the second Godfrey Ho Catman movie, after the abysmal Catman in Lethal Track, one would think you can’t sink any lower. One would be wrong, as Godfrey Ho not only takes us to the depths of Hell, he goes deep inside to Hell’s Hell. From confusing characters to seizure-inspired editing to 1/3 of the movie being shot at night on a moonless night with characters wearing black, Catman in Boxers Blow is a marvel of bad filmmaking. A spectacle that shines as a beacon of muck, inspiring films to ramp up the levels of loathsome, greasy, unlikable characters and situations just to compete in the world of trash. Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai have truly outdone themselves with this entry.
The Movie B of Boxers Blow is a Thai action/heist movie, but is very confusing. For 80% of the time I was watching it I had little to no idea what was going on. They have a massive, massive amount of characters that are introduced with no name or explanation and disappear for 30 minutes at a time, few of which are distinct enough to even remember. Even making a chart like I will do of the characters is confusing, as many are left out in the cold due to their vagueness. The fates of some of these characters is unknown, thanks to the poor filmmaking of the Thai film and the even poorer editing of the Godfrey Ho parts. The resulting mess is less of a hodgepodge and more of a junkpile, with a few recognizable pieces of trash, but the majority has spoiled and rotted away so much you can’t stand to look at it.
Characters in Movie A – Catman
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Characters in Movie B – Thai Action Film
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Movie B starts us out with a prison transport breakout in the opening credits. We see the dudes escape but don’t get any real information about who any of them are at this time, but you’re supposed to remember all their faces. Yeah, sure, whatever, movie!
Movie A will take us away as one of Cheever’s gang members from the previous movie is in a fight with a guy named Cobra, who is kicking his sorry behind. The fight is being announced by a crazy Hawaiian shirt wearing dude who goes on and on about Cobra being unbeatable. That is, until a pony-tailed young man named Hugh steps into the ring. Hugh starts the beat down of Cobra, until distracted by a kissing groupie. Cobra tries to choke Hugh with a chain, but Hugh rips it apart and then stomps Cobra into the ground. Hugh’s superior fighting skills must be due to his bad ponytail and his greasy hair and skin, as the slippery escapes help in fighting. One member of the audience is a green-haired gang member who yells either “KILL!” or “YAY!” over and over in a stereotypical retard voice, thanks to the wonderful dubbers. Hugh’s victory gets him a letter from someone not named, which anoints him the new leader of the Holy Cheever Church. It also tells about the US giving uranium to Thailand (yeah, okay) which will be stolen by their organization. I thought this would mean that Catman would try to stop uranium-theft, but it turns out that the Thai movie will be doing the uranium heist. Not that it will tell you that, you have to figure it out yourself for the first 87 minutes or so, despite the constant talk of a project.
Enough talk about Movie B, let’s get back to it. Some confusing things happen involving an informant named Simon, a girl named Ruby who will be showing up later in the film (she’s the bad girl in the gang) and a guy named Tom. They talk about how the Arabs are looking to make a bomb and need to get some extra men. Frederick then appears, as you may recall, Frederick is a woman that people seem to think is a man. Well, not in this movie, every male in Thailand is aware she is a girl, and she must be one of three girls in Thailand, as practically every male who sees her tries to get his rape on. To confuse us even more, some guy tells a guy named Bobby to go undercover in Jerry’s gang, and will pay him 40x as much money as normal. Who are these people? The movie refuses to tell us, demanding that we instinctively know what is going on.
Escaped prisoner Andy (who is later described as a master locksmith) has his chains cut off by his brother (because using his locksmith skills would be a violation of the Locksmith Code) and is instantly confronted by four guys who claim he owes them money. Andy fights the four, but he and his brother are overpowered and brought before the man who ordered Billy to go undercover, telling Andy to work for Jerry instead of pay him the money. This guy is named White Powder Ma, which is a cool nickname and I may steal it if I ever write a bad gangster flick, just to make this film count for something. Andy gets some money from White Powder Ma, which he gives to his brother, telling him to go home alone. That’s about as much character exposition that Andy will be getting for this film. Hope you enjoyed him, he won’t be back for an hour.
Movie A returns with the newly recovered Gus having healed from his injury of horrible death in the previous film, and his new CIA boss tells him to meet up with a woman named Sandra, a scientists who built a starter for an uranium bomb. Uranium bombs are like cars, with starters, solenoids, FM radios, shocks, and struts. The US has paid her off so she doesn’t sell to the Arabs, which must have been cheaper than killing her outright. CIA boss gives Gus a photo, where he exclaims “I thought she was oriental, a real sex kitten!” Yes, Gus, just throw down the drain the little character appeal you had at this point.
Movie B demands to be seen again, with Frederick being dropped off at Irving Street by taxi-cart and looking for Van Ness Street. Both of these are San Francisco street names, and maybe several other cities, but I doubt anywhere in Thailand. Ignoring that Frederick should have just had the cabbie drop her off at Van Ness, because that would be too damn simple. Frederick’s mistake is asking anyone male where the streets are, as Thai men take such questions as permission to rape the women or something, since that’s what a gang of men decide to do. Frederick is helped by a guy in the cafe, and the two of them beat up the potential rapers. Frederick tells that she’s looking for her uncle, Jerry.
Now for a scene with no reason to be in this film, except to gross you the heck out. Two guys are walking in the jungle, and a third man is following them all day. They get sick of it, and beat the tar out of him. Then, when he won’t talk, one of the two men grabs a bunch of worms, and threatens to feed them to the man if he doesn’t talk. The man is repulsed, and even more so when the crazy guy starts to eat some of the worms himself! The Follower begins puking, and the Worm Eater’s partner even gets sick. Finally, they force the Follower to eat some worms, and he finally talks, saying Terry Gilman sent him.
Who the Krunk is Terry Gilman?
The movie will never tell us. They do kill the follower, though, so that pretty much ends things, especially since we never really see those two again, unless they are in the middle of the darkness during the finale. Maybe he meant famed director Terry Gilliam, of Monty Python fame! That would give Catman a surreal twist, as crazed directors send men to follow gangster for Gilliam’s low budget Thai gangster flick, Monty Python and the Meaning of Thai Gangsters.
A Thai guy dressed up as Luigi from Super Mario Brothers is selling herbal elixir with some other guys, but no one is buying. Their strategy session is interrupted when the four guys who confronted Andy earlier arrive to talk to the Luigi fellow, who is named Shawn. Jerry wants Shawn, and Shawn must go with them. Shawn is not mentioned in the list of names later, so maybe it’s a fake name. Shawn doesn’t want to go, and they fight. During the fight, a guy in his boxers runs past the camera. Could this be the Boxers Blow the title speaks of? The Guy in Boxers who Blew by the fight? Shawn is soon captured. Three guys and a girl in a VW van grab yet another person Jerry wants for his project, despite the man’s use of a sawblade on a stick to defend himself. At this point, we don’t know who Jerry really is. He could be Jerry Garcia, Jerry Mathers, Jerri Manthey, or Jerry Lewis. Jerry’s goons are also looking for John, who is also an escapee. Some sort of fight goes on between the goons and some random people we aren’t really introduced to. John’s father is involved, and John’s sister.
Afterwards, John’s father goes to a restaurant, where a guy in a checkered hat sits. Dun dun DUN!!! More goons are at this restaurant, and bother John’s dad some more. A bald man sees the trouble, and helps John’s father, until he notices the man in the checkered hat, and smiles and heads off. It should be obvious to even the most inexperienced movie watcher what transpired. Those of us who have actually seen movies, though, have no clue. John also shows up at the fight, but his father disowns him for being a thug. John leaves, and is ambushed by even more goons, who take him away to Jerry.
Movie A returns, as Gus and Catman go to meet the woman Sandra who made the nuclear bomb starter. Sandra turns out to be NOT Asian, unless she’s like 1/8 or something. The US government hasn’t given her the money yet, so she won’t give them the real one. She has the fake with her to give to the man from the Cheever Church. The man is the Hawaiian shirt man, who has the money at the end of a fishing pole, or so he says. Instead, he just stabs Sandra and takes the starter. Gus and Catman give chase, but lose the Hawaiian Shirt Man. Losing someone with such a loud shirt requires a special kind of idiot, which both of our heroes are. Then they return, and Sandra’s body is missing. It looks like the Dynamic Duo of Dumbness just got hornswaggled.
Movie B tires of Catman and returns to the Jerry’s Job story. Sort of. A mess of ambushes are punctuated by another ambush where John is attempted to be taken by more gangsters for Jerry. John runs with the help of two additional guys, a fat man and a gay man. A shootout happens, and someone is hurt enough to be bleeding, but just who the two men are isn’t explained. The two goons find a blood trail from a brief shootout and follow, reaching the house where the gay man and the fat man are hiding, who laugh a them because John has already left! You wouldn’t know it was the next day until the gay man mentions it, because there is zero editing between the two parts, making it look like it was all one single hour or so (and the gay man and fat man changed clothes mid-fight!)
Movie A resurfaces, with the sorrow filled tale of Gus telling his CIA boss that he screwed up bad. The boss doesn’t have much time to yell at Gus, before he’s sniped by one of the Cheever Gang Members! Hugh and Cobra burst in, trying to shoot Gus dead as well. Movie A has decided to just drop the plot and deliver nothing but action, something Movie B needs to be picking up a few pointers on (as well as having less than 500 different characters.) Catman finally shows his lazy Cat-butt up and joins the fight, saving Gus, who is free to go after the sniper instead. Catman knocks out Cobra, and let’s Hugh escape as the sniper gets away also. Catman says he let Hugh go on purpose, since they can find out all they need to know by questioning Cobra! COOOOOBRA! Those Joes won’t know what hits them!
Movie B can’t let Movie A’s challenge go unheeded, despite being as incoherent as ever. Frederick and the guy who helped save her from the rapists earlier are bird hunting, and they pass by a large party of men, all of who are cold-blooded rapists. Thanks to Movie B, I now know that every man who lives in Thailand is either a gangster working for Jerry, someone Jerry wants to work for him, or a potential rapist waiting for one of the three women in Thailand to wander by into his Rape-dar. As they close in their rape circle, Frederick is fighting them off, but there are too many, and her previous good Samaritan just hides and watches the action. Maybe he gets off on watching rape, but only when it’s in the jungle. Finally, John shows up and helps her defeat the rest of the potential rapists. It turns out the uncle Frederick is looking for is Uncle Jerry, thus tying her into the rest of the movie. That information frightens, John, who leaves, and Frederick says to herself “So that’s John!” Making us wonder how long Jerry has been looking for John, and how few people named John are in Thailand (I’m guessing not many.)
John’s Dad and sister are lured by the evil woman Ruby by information of a letter from John, but it’s all a trick to capture them to force John to work for them. It works, and John is captured when he’s trying to find out what happened to them. Old tricks are the best tricks. Also, at some point Frederick does some doctor work on a random lady’s baby. Now Frederick is not only a motorcycle-using killing machine, but a doctor? This is Thailand, maybe being a doctor there is as easy as buying a degree on the internet here. Of course, she’s only a doctor because this Thai movie is unrelated to the one in the first Catman movie except for some of the same actors, but we’re playing along with Godfrey Ho’s sick joke. The sick joke being the Catman movies. Godfrey Ho is a jackass.
Finally we meet Jerry, and he’s a real disappointment, looking not very distinct from the other thugs around him. Maybe he’s a big actor in Thailand an it’s a shocking revelation or something, but it’s all lost in translation and horrendous dubbing. He lines up the men he’s captured and reads off their names, something that would have been useful in the beginning of the film to tell us what the Santa Claus was going on! At least we get it now. John Jackson is an expert in weapons and explosives. Norman gibb is a top driver and Grand Prix winner. Andy Fisher is an expert locksmith, that’s why he was cutting his chains instead of picking them. Dennis Lee is an Israeli trained special forces agent. Falal Archer (it sounded like Falal, despite not being one of the fake Western names they gave all these guys, so cut me a break with the zero credits) is a professional killer, and we’ll just surmise he’s the brother of the evil Archer from the previous film, looking to redeem his traitorous actions. Blue Wilson is a knife expert, though he wasn’t using a knife earlier. Finally, Alexander Firm is one of Thailand’s top wrestlers, and is the twin brother of the Bald Bandit from the previous film, looking to redeem for his brother’s misdeeds by helping old men in restaurants, unless checkered hat guys are there. I like to call these guys Jerry’s Kids.
Introducing the men is useful, but what happens next is bizarre. Jerry lets the men pick someone to fight, and they all fight together. It’s like Fight Club, but with 7 fights at once. John and Archer fight, due to some bad blood that wasn’t distinct enough to pick up on earlier. The others all fight different guards of Jerry’s, and they fight for about 3 minutes or so before it’s stopped and John can be threatened with his family’s death if he doesn’t lead the mission. The mission no one has explained yet. It’s basically stealing the Uranium from earlier in the film, even though it was only mentioned in passing in Movie A, and never in Movie B. While I was explaining this to you, the movie came up with some sort of night raid where people you can’t see are shooting other people you can’t see. Evil girl Ruby helps some gangsters capture yet another guy we’ve never seen before, named Billy. Billy is tied up, beaten, but later rescued by a guy named Wayne, who we’ve also never seen before. Wayne gives Billy proof that Jerry’s goons are working with the Holy Cheever Church. Also, the Samaritan who helped Frederick earlier but didn’t help her later rescue John’s father and sister, even though Frederick tries to stop him, and he just grabs her gun. Frederick won’t be seen again, and Movie B takes a smoke break.
Movie A restarts back up as Catman and Gus beat up Cobra, dragging him back for questioning. That plan fails, as Catman and Gus are captured by Hugh and his men! D’oh! So no time passed by in the four paragraphs I wrote between the last time we were at Movie A? Okaaaay…
Movie B is ready for it’s big finale, and Jerry’s Kids are ready for their mission, stealing Uranium from a train. Well, there’s a train, and there was a mention of stealing uranium, so that’s probably what’s going on, but you never know as they don’t tell you anything. This is the film equivalent of when your girlfriend is mad at you, and when you try to find out what is wrong, she tells you “If you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you!” It’s also the film equivalent of looking down a dark hallway at night. There is little to no light, and most of the time you can’t figure out what is going on. Most of this is just conjecture, I honestly have no idea what happened for several parts because you just can’t see anything. To top it off, everyone is dressed in black from head to toe, making them even harder to spot. Alexander Firm and the man he is working with (far too dark to even guess) kill their guards, and then help the other members of Jerry’s Kids kill their captors and revolt. At some point, Thai police show up and start shooting people who are too dark to be seen. Guys die all over the place, but who they are will remain a Mystery of the Ages! Finally, John fights some guys where there is some light. He finally grabs Jerry, hangs him with a rope, and yanks him into the air! The cops and Jerry’s Kids seemed to have killed all the bad people, but besides John I am not sure who else lived, and John probably got shot by the cops a few minutes later. But the movie just ends, and we bid farewell to Thai confusion.
Movie A must now handle everything by itself, a task it is not up for. Gus and Catman are tied to trees, while Hugh prepares to shoot them with a grenade launcher. Catman uses his Catman cat powers to cause the grenade to explode just before him, and to teleport out from the trees. Catman then jumps out of the bushes and unties Gus, while the bad guys just let him. Hugh’s men also include evil scientist Sandra, confirming that she was just working for them the whole time. Hugh’s guys recover long enough to shoot Gus in the back like 30 times, and thus Gus in no more, again. Dammit, Gus, can’t you make it through the finale of a Catman movie? Loser. The Cheevers examine Gus, declare him dead, and then head to kill Catman, when Gus comes alive and starts killing people again, as Catman is killing other Cheever gang goons! Gus seemingly can’t be killed, but this time they used the lame “bullet-proof vest” cliché. You’d think the Cheevers would have noticed no blood. Plus, with all the bullet impacts, Gus should have like 15 broken ribs. Hugh goes after Catman with the grenade launcher, it worked so well before. This causes lots of random explosions that do nothing but pump up the film’s already meager budget. Gus shoots Cobra in the back, his favorite attack. Catman does his favorite attack, whipping off his goofy goggles logo and tossing it at Hugh. This time, it lands at his feet, explodes, and shoots Hugh like 100 feet up in the air, killing him dead. Catman and Hugh congratulate themselves, while the audience weeps.
This mess is over! Hooray! I can love life again! Catman, the world’s worst superhero, and his Cat powers, can go back into the dustbin of history. Catwoman was far more engrossing than this dreck. By far the worst of the two Catman movies, Boxers Blow, which had no boxers or guys named Boxer or even boxes, is a cinematic mess. The dark finale, the confusing Jerry plot, the hundreds of characters who showed up for five minutes and were never seen again, the whole thing was a complete mess. Godfrey Ho and Joseph Lai’s messes of films, where older clips are strung together with footage shot in a weekend, are usually messes, but Catman doesn’t even have the gimmick of ninjas to keep you distracted from the badness. It has nothing but the power of lame, and reinforces it with a double shot of stupid. Removing your fingernails with needle-nosed pliers would be a better use of your time (and far less painful) than even touching the DVD boxes the Catman movies come in. Stay away, for the love of your sanity, stay away! Don’t say I didn’t warn you!
UPDATE August 31, 2010: Fredrick’s actress has been identified as Suriwan Suriyong. I have not discovered which of the 30 films Suriwan Suriyong made this is, but maybe by 2014!
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Rated 1/10 (The darkness is all we see for the last part of the movie)
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