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Number: 15
Name: Gruesome Gator
Japanese Name: Alligatoron
Ruler of Country: King of Lenonia
Position: Commander in Chief
Weapon Name: Allistretcher (Gold Axe)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Alligator (White w/ Olive Armor)
Gruesome Gator was the leader of the Decepticon faction of the Battle Beasts in the Japanese storyline, where he went by the name Alligatoron. He was even killed off, so this guy is dead. Well, not quite dead, as his transparent ghost version returned later. We’ll get to that in a bit. Storyline-wise his family were slaves of the Lion family, which would make him some sort of Spartacus character. His evilness gives him a bad rap, what is Pirate Lion doing having slaves? Inexcusable. In the British comic, Gruesome Gator was a gross guy who loved nasty-smelling things. He wasn’t evil, just gross. Because I was a child who was weird, I gave my Gruesome Gator a garbage bag twist tie belt that doubled as a helicopter backpack. This sentence is probably one of the nerdiest things ever mentioned on the Internet. Please note that I’ve since gratuated to an adult who writes articles about toys on the Internet. Wait, that didn’t help… |
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Number: 16
Name: Sly Fox
Japanese Name: B-Fox
Ruler of Country: King of Ringostan
Position: Reconnaissance Combatant
Weapon Name: B-Star (Golden Compass Glaive)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Fox (Tan w/ White Armor)
“B-Fox”? What the Pirate Lion is a “B-Fox”? Why not “A-Fox”? Does B stand for something? Badass? Bonga? Beast? Bibliography? Even odder, his weapon is the B-Star, yet isn’t shaped like a B or a Star. It’s a D on a stick! He should be D-Fox with the D-Stick weapon. Sly Fox, as us Yanks call him, has white armor for his fox stylings. His name is far less stupid in America, but he still isn’t that interesting of a Beast. B-Fox is on the B-List. Born in Star City, the city is famous for being the hometown of Starman from the Super Mario Bros. games. His card helpfully tells us that “His hatred for the Destron Beasts is unrivaled; sometimes his attacks are sneak attacks.”
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Number: 17
Name: Hardtop Tortoise
Japanese Name: Black Turtle
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Halas
Position: Amphibious Soldier
Weapon Name: Black Spark (Golden Fleur-de-lis Shaped Glaive)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Tortoise (Black w/ Orange Armor)
Hardtop Tortoise’s greatest feature is his cool green robot claw replacing his left hand. It’s big enough to grab onto arms and necks, as well as bigger weapons and guns from unrelated toy lines. Hardtop Tortoise himself looks pretty cool, and he’d be a tough fighter to take down with all his armor and robotics. In Japan he’s Black Turtle, I’ll ignore my biologist instinct to say that turtles and tortoises are different things. Black Turtle makes me wonder if he is supposed to be Black. African-American Black. Just imaging Hardtop talking like Jazz from Transformers, or maybe like Samuel L. Jackson. “I got Mother F–king Wood, Mother F–ker!” That would be cool. Plus, he could fight Triple Threat Snake on a Plane! Black Turtle is an enemy of Bad Shark in addition to the Autobot Beasts. |
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Number: 18
Name: Rubberneck Giraffe
Japanese Name: Yellow Giraffe
Ruler of Country: King of Gunmarino
Position: Military Intelligence Combatant
Weapon Name: Low-G Bar (Golden Antler Axe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Giraffe (Yellow w/ Blue Armor)
Rubberneck Giraffe continues the tradition of the American Beasts generally having better names. At least Yellow Giraffe doesn’t suck. Rubberneck is one of the taller Beasts, but height isn’t that great of a variation in this world. Yes, Rubberneck just turns out to be another Beast who is good, but not great, and fails to make the A-List. Rubberneck does have a neat weapon, with it’s antler-shaped design. It looks like a tree branch turned into a sword. It would have been cool had it been a real tree (a sapling) that Rubberneck used to beat Beasts with. More toys need to have people who use trees as weapons. His card claims that “He has knowledge like an encyclopedia. He is the oldest, but destructive power still is enormous!” Well, too bad for him. |
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Number: 19
Name: Prickly Porcupine
Japanese Name: Hedgehog
Ruler of Country: King of Hogland
Position: Special Forces Combatant
Weapon Name: Hegrinder (Dark Silver Trident)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Porcupine (Gray w/ Yellow Armor)
Ah, Prickly Porcupine, you spine-covered bastard! How hard you are to kill, your spikes stab anyone who gets close. With yellow armor molded around the spines, you are a danger to all who come near you. Your Japanese name calls you a Hedgehog, but you are a Porcupine of Doom! Your Hegrinder weapons betrays it’s function: “HE”-grinding, the grinding of your male enemies. Sonic ain’t got nothing on you! Born in Hogs Town in the country of Hogland, they really want him to be a hedgehog. Well, too bad. Once a porcupine, always a porcupine. Porcupine sells his quills to women to use for sewing clothes, the garments are then stitched very strongly. |
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Number: 20
Name: Sawtooth Shark
Japanese Name: Badshark
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Sheepnia
Position: Underwater Soldier
Weapon Name: Backspin (Dark Silver Trident)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Shark (Light Blue w/ Blue Armor)
Sawtooth Shark swims his way to victory, devouring his enemies in a feeding frenzy of death! I got two of these dudes as one was packaged with a vehicle. One of those Sawtooth’s managed to lose an arm, which was promptly replaced with a blue radar stand with a red dish from some unknown toy set. It fit right into the hole, so all was saved. He became “Cyber Shark”. Sawtooth has a decent Japanese name with Badshark, and a decent weapon with his trident, though why it’s named “Backspin” I shall not know. Sharks aren’t known for backspinning. Backfins, yes. There is a shark base, the Shocking Shark, which my two Sharks were always involved with. An army of Sharks would be a forminable opponent. Several Sawtooth Sharks appeared in the Blackthrone comics fighting along the shore when Ruhin arrived, but they didn’t say much more than “Raarg!” |
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Number: 21
Name: Danger Dog
Japanese Name: Bowdog
Ruler of Country: King of Bodonia
Position: Scientist Combatant
Weapon Name: Dog Fighter (Dark Silver Halberd)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Dog (Brown w/ Green Armor)
There’s no need to fear, Danger Dog is here! When criminals in this world appear, And break the laws that they should fear, And frighten all who see or hear, The cry goes up both far and near for Danger Dog, Danger Dog, Danger Dog, Danger Dog. Danger Dog and his freaky weapon put the “wow” in bow-wow! The first of four dogs in the Battle Beast Cast, Danger Dog shows that to him, danger is no stranger. As for Japan, all they get is Bowdog, the dog who bows before everyone. We totally outclassed them. Born in Dog City. Those Beasts sure need to come up with better names for their cities, what’s next, Frog City? Hog City? Cock City? Someone needs to stop this brazen city naming.
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Number: 22
Name: Hare Razing Rabbit
Japanese Name: Rabbit Kid
Ruler of Country: King of Rabihos
Position: Communication Combatant
Weapon Name: Rabbit Spear (Dark Silver Spear)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Rabbit (Aqua w/ Teal-green Armor)
Rabbit Kid might actually be a cool Japanese name. Perhaps the makers of Battle Beasts could see into the future and read the Redwall novels and their crazy Hares of the Long Patrol, and thus they wanted to import that craziness into their rabbit character. Or, maybe they were ripping on Bucky O’Hare, from the short-lived cartoon series. Maybe even those rabbit aliens from the Star Wars Marvel comics. The one true thing is that Hare Razing Rabbit was the inspiration for Matt Groening to draw rabbit characters, and eventually The Simpsons. Thank you, Hare Razing Rabbit. He’s the King of the Rabihos. No, they aren’t Rabbit Ho’s, but it’s a combination of Rabbit and Horse. Still, they probably got some ho’s. Cheap. |
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Number: 23
Name: Sir Sire Horse
Japanese Name: Bluehorse
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Rabihos
Position: High-Speed Combatant
Weapon Name: Tomahorse (Dark Silver Axe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Horse (Aqua w/ Blue Armor)
A Blue Horse? I know Blue is a popular horse name, but there aren’t any real blue horses, until now. Sir Sire Horse was knighted at some point, giving him an air of snottery, instead of the cool knight feelings it’s supposed to give you. SSH’s weapon is a big freaking axe, cleverly called the Tomahorse. Still, he’s just a horse, and a horse is a horse, of course, of course. This horse is unexceptional, but not terrible. |
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Number: 24
Name: War Weasel
Japanese Name: Giada
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Saitan
Position: Land Offensive Combatant
Weapon Name: Lenskia (Dark Silver Scythe-ish Weapon)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Weasel (Red w/ Blue Armor)
War Weasel was a bad looking dude. He’s got himself a gas mask, and a machine gun for a left hand! As a child, it was hard to tell just what the heck he was supposed to be, so we just called him “Badger”. I still call him Badger out of habit. In Japan, he’s named Giada, which means that the host of Food Network’s Everyday Italian, Giada De Laurentiis, may have been the inspiration for his name. His oddly shaped weapon, a nasty looking thing, is named the equally perplexing Lenskia. His perplexing name and perplexing appearance, in addition to his machine gun, made him pretty popular. Versions of War Weasel included with vehicles was made out of a pinker plastic, so he has a pink variation. Pink works out well for him, with his big gun and huge weapon, no one would dare say anything. |
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Number: 25
Name: Bloodthirsty Bison
Japanese Name: Violet Horn
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Bodonia
Position: Supernatural-Strength Combatant
Weapon Name: Tomahorn (Dark Silver Axe)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Bison (Brown w/ Purple Armor)
Gray Ox? He’s obviously a bison! That’s just a terrible name. Plus, he’s not gray in the slightest, he’s brown with purple armor. I think someone was asleep at the switch when Bloodthirsty Bison’s Naming Day approached. He’s a larger Beast, and has a big axe with hooks on each end of the blade. He gets another Tomahawk pun for his axe’s name, maybe someone in Japan is obsessed with American Indians, or the Atlanta Braves. Indians were said to have used every part of the bison (they actually wasted a lot), but we had no real use for Bloodthirsty Bison in the winner’s section of the Battle Beasts tables. What the heck is a “Supernatural-Strength Combatant”? Is he ghost-powered? Because that would be a good way to get energy independent. Maybe it’s some sort of reference to Indian Spirit Guides or something. |
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Number: 26
Name: Bighorn Sheep
Japanese Name: Bomb-Sheep
Ruler of Country: King of Sheepnia
Position: Supplier
Weapon Name: Bomb Scissors (Dark Silver Weapon)
Affiliation: Autobot
Series: 1
Species: Ram (Blue w/ Gray Armor)
A big blue ram to smash through the enemies, that’s what Bighorn Sheep promises. Too bad sheep aren’t that exciting. Bighorn Sheep still manages to get his own ride, which is the only ride with big guns sticking out of it. For some reason Bighorn has Metal Armor over his mouth and nose, maybe he has hoof and mouth disease. Or maybe he hates brushing his teeth. Whatever it is, it’s freaking weird. In Japan, he’s Bomb-Sheep, perhaps he works with Snake Bomb in Bomb Land, where every day is Bomb Day! You’d think with this obsession with bombs, one of those two would have some sort of bomb accessory. We don’t even get a suicide bomb suit for them! Bighorn’s Bomb Scissors weapon looks like a robot claw on a stick. It fit nicely around various Beasts’ heads, but Bighorn’s lameness kept him from becoming a big power. His combat job is just Supplier, though a vital role, it doesn’t sell action figures. |
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Number: 27
Name: Webslinger Spider
Japanese Name: Deathspider
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Hogland
Position: Special Forces Soldier
Weapon Name: Deathbinder (Dark Silver Lyre-shaped Glaive)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Spider (Gray w/ Violet Armor)
Now this is a cool Beast! Webslinger Spider just looks like an badass. He’d kick you butt, then spin you up in web and eat you for dinner! Deathspider in Japan, his name is fitting, and his Deathbinder Weapon with webbing decoration looks keen. He was featured in the last issue of the Blackthorne comics as the First Mate to Pirate Lion, speaking in garbled English similar to pirate speak. Thanks to seeing too many Mothra and Godzilla films, Webslinger gained the ability to shoot webbing from his mouth at playtime. With extra arms shooting out of his shoulders, more eyes than you can count, and a hungry looking mouth, Webslinger is set to be a force in the Beast world. Plus, he’s just creepy! Imagine this toy, at night, wandering around your room, teaming up with He-Man’s Webstor to trap and devour your sister’s My Little Ponies. GI Joe is put on the alert, but cannot stop the Webbed Duo from snack-time! Soon, even Barbie herself falls prey. This nightmare is only brought to an end when Optimus Prime breaks out a giant can of Raid and sprays the entire room, killing Webslinger, Webstor, and the entire Insecticon hive (including the Delux Insecticons!) Fare thee well, Webslinger. If anyone knows why he’s Emperor of Hogland and not King of Spidernia or something, please explain. |
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Number: 28
Name: Crusty Crab
Japanese Name: Crab-Hit
Ruler of Country: Emperor of Sandtoria
Position: Underwater Offensive Soldier
Weapon Name: Crab Scissors (Dark Silver Crab-Claw)
Affiliation: Decepticon
Series: 1
Species: Crab (Red w/ Brown Armor)
Crusty Crab? Ha ha ha! He’s so crusty! Crusty Crab just likes to complain. He complains about his red appearance. He complains about that wierd think on his head that’s either a floodlight or a laser. He complains about his weapon being just a giant wrench with serrated edges. He complains about the ending of Matrix Revolutions. He complains a lot. With his hard skin, which is his exoskeleton, he’s a tough opponent. None of the Beasts are armed with a nutcracker, so that option is out. Luckily, he’s mouth is wide open like a slack-jawed fool, so it would be easy to just stab him there, or throw some dirt in there, and call him a dirt eater, and then take his lunch money. Dirty dirty Dirt Eater! Crusty Crab will complain about eating dirt. A variant packaged with the vehicles came in pink plastic, which may be his wife, Crustette Crab! It’s crab love. |
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2 Comments
Shigero Miyamoto
October 29, 2013 at 10:27 amThis is hilarious..shocked this is the first post- kudos to u pal
Tars Tarkas
November 10, 2013 at 12:19 amThanks, I should really post the last parts, I have them half written somewhere and I need to finish some of the abandoned series on here.