Catch the Heat

1987
Starring
Tiana Alexandra as Checkers Goldberg
Rod Steiger as Jason Hannibal
David Dukes as Waldo Tarr
Can you Catch the Heat? Not really, the heat is more like the warmth you feel if you sit down where someone was just sitting, not flaming hot heat as the title suggests. Maybe Catch the Lukewarmness should have been the movie’s title. Or Generic 80’s Action Film #2323535 as that is an accurate description. The only thing going for it is Tiana Alexandra is hot but she seemed to vanish after this film, so this is her Citizen Kane sadly enough.

Tiana Alexandra is Checkers Goldberg. Yes, that is her character’s real name. Richard Nixon gave a speech about her, as you may recall. Checkers Goldberg is a cop, probably her shame of having that name made her lash out violently and the cop lifestyle suited her. Actually, the back of the DVD claims her sister was killed. Close enough. Checkers Goldberg shows up in the dead of night to meet a guy who looks like the white trash version of the villain from Karate Kid, William Zabka. Checkers Goldberg is decked out in classic 80’s big hair, with headband, and 80’s leather. White Trash Zabka sells her some drugs, then he starts putting the moves on her. When that fails, he pulls a gun. But he fails in his rape attempt when she ducks out and her backup shows up. She kicks handcuffed White Trash Zabka and then her partner Waldo puts a gun to his crotch demanding to know where the drugs were supplied from. Enough of that plot though, time to show shots from around San Francisco!

At the dojo the next day Waldo arrives to watch Checkers practice her moves and they lob sexual innuendos at each other. Waldo tells her he is heading to Bueno Aires (thus taking all the fun out of Where’s Waldo) to look for more information on the drug guy they found out about thanks to White Trash Zabka. He’ll drag her down as well as soon as he can. In Bueno Aires, Waldo talks to the police there about the villian of the film, named Hannibal (not Lecter nor does he ride Elephants over the Alps)

Back home in SF, Checkers is involved in another sting. She’s buying some drugs from some bad seeds on a truck when things go bad. Soon it is a firefight, but not just any firefight, a bad 80’s firefight, full of submachine guns firing randomly and people dying without bullet wounds. Checkers leaps on a motorcycle and gives chase, ramping off another car to jump the bike onto the back of the truck. There she beats up the guy in the back, then moves onto the drivers. They manage to drop her into the Bay but are arrested right afterwards.

Waldo calls Checkers to tell her to arrive in BA. She is talking on the phone right after exiting the Bay, complete with wet T-Shirt. This is by far the best part of the movie so far. Let’s take some time to enjoy this scene………………………. Uh… Yeah. So Checkers is going undercover as Cinderella Poo. Yes. They might as well paint “I’m a cop!” across her chest. Speaking of her chest, she’s still in a wet T-shirt. Mmmmmm…

Checkers heads to the airport. For some reason that involves traveling through downtown San Francisco, despite the airport being south of town. In Argentina, things start out right with a shower scene. At this point the movie can do no wrong. Sadly, it will all go downhill from here. “Cinderella Poo” shows up to a dance audition for Hannibal’s talent agency where she performs for Super Gay Black Stereotype with Tall Blonde Afro who is impressed with her moves.

Meanwhile, Bad Guy Hannibal is doing a drug deal. After the trade, his goons kill the people he just traded with. I guess to show he’s evil. And then a boat explodes. Cinderella Poo is performing a Kabuki dance (which is Japanese, her character is Chinese, but the actress is Vietnamese) which morphs into Tango (Kabango Dance?) Hannibal notices her and starts making his move. His bodyguard is a large black man who recognizes Poo as the cop who busted him for murder three years prior, but Hannibal dismisses him since he’s checked out Cinderella’s back story. Subzero from The Running Man is also there working for Hannibal, and Hannibal orders him to kill one of the other dancers.

Checkers takes home a sick dancer (the one ordered killed) who is complaining of chest pains, perhaps a chestburster alien, something to spice up the film. Alas, no, just breast implant difficulties. Checkers leaves, then Subzero enters bearing flowers, and a few seconds later murder as he kills her. Cinderella Poo is now getting the star treatment from Hannibal and he orders his the black buy who Checkers busted to drive her around. He tries to bring up the incident to get her to talk but she brushes it off and makes some comment about watermelon seeds that he takes as a racist remark.

Waldo tells Checkers about the dancer girl’s murder, and they go to her place to look for clues. Waldo leaves her there alone, while Hannibal dresses down Subzero for not destroying evidence at the girl’s place and orders him to go back there. Subzero walks in on Checkers, and though she shoots him, they still have a struggle. Eventually she kills him, and even quicker than it took Arnold.

Hannibal is upset over Subzero’s disappearance. He prepares to leave town and wants Cinderella to carry the last shipment of drugs. Here we find out that the drugs are being shipped in breast implants of naive young girls, and Cinderella Poo is next on the list. While back at Checker’s hotel, the Black Driver is there with evidence Poo is really Checkers. A gunfight ensues that reaches the rooftops. Checkers shoots him in the arm, and Waldo and the BA Chief show up to help as well, and they take the Black Driver away as he shouts revenge.

Hannibal tells Cinderella that she needs bigger breasts to make it in Hollywood, she says she’ll think about it, then goes to Waldo all mad because she’s figured out the scam. She agrees to get the surgery to trap Hannibal, which Waldo is against. Waldo also confesses his love for Checkers, but she can’t deal with that now. She leaves to go get the surgery with Waldo tailing her in a helicopter. Hannibal takes her to the biggest house in South America where a doctor has his own basement operating room. Checkers is trying to stall which Hannibal takes as indecision, and he takes her into his office to explain to her that he was in love with a Vietnamese girl once who betrayed him and he had to kill her. Then Waldo and the BA police attack, so we don’t know where he was going with that. Hannibal leaves a goon to guard her and hurries off to battle.

Waldo, the BA chief, and other BA troops are storming the compound while some attempted humor involving grenades is tried. All the explosions involve people being thrown forward by the blasts. More people are thrown forward in this movie than a whiplash film festival. Waldo and the BA Chief shoot their way in 80’s action movie style. Meanwhile, Checkers fakes doing a dance to distract the goon guarding her, who she starts kicking around, he pulls a knife that she knocks out of his hand. They struggle, she picks up the knife with her toes and stabs her with her foot. Then she gets out of the room and starts beating up random guards in the hallway. Hannibal makes it outside to his car but Checkers is inside waiting for him. They stare at each other and Waldo shoots him dead.

After the battle, we find out Checkers has been transferred to a new job. She’s mad she has to leave Waldo, until it is discovered he recommended her for the job so they wouldn’t be partners and they could date. They end the movie kissing as the helicopter carrying them home flies away.

Was this movie that bad? Not really, it seemed more of a two-parter TV detective show with a few more explosions than normal. And some nudity. That was really the best part, the action you can see in many other similar films. The cheesy undercover work was more grating with the fake Cinderella Poo name and persona. The breast implants with cocaine was a good touch, though. I will give them that. It is pretty easy to figure out what they are doing early on in the movie, the only drawback there. Plus any movie with Subzero automatically scores bonus points.

Tiana Alexandra is awesome, and will always be awesome. And check out her singing as Tiana Banana!

Rated 7/10 (Girl kicking butt, drug filled implants, random goons dying, giant house x2, exploding boat, and guard goon)

Egyptian poster:

via