Tag Archives: We don’t need no stinking subtitles

Yusei Oji (Review)

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Yusei Oji

aka 遊星王子 aka Planet Prince

1959
Written by Masaru Igami
Screenplay by Shin Morita
Directed by Eijiro Wakabayashi

50 Shades of Krankor!

At TarsTarkas.NET, we stand by our decision that Prince of Space is one of the greatest movies of all time, but did you know it’s also TWO of the greatest movies of all time? Because it is! Yes, what we got in America as Prince of Space is actually a combination of two Japanese films, Planet Prince and Planet Prince – The Terrifying Spaceship! Thanks to the wonders of the internet, we’ve been able to see copies of the two original films. And again thanks to the wonders of the internet, we’ll be sharing with you what we’ve learned.

Shouldn’t my own antennas be helping the signal???

Planet Prince featured on a tv series where he wore a costume more than inspired by the Starman/Super Giant costume. But for his big screen spinoff, the Planet Prince costume was updated with a funky helmet and goggles, and Prince looked less like an escaped orderly at a hospital and more like a kid on Halloween getting ready to collect a round of candy. Actor Toshio Mimura was replaced with younger actor Tatsuo Umemiya. The two factors combine to add a childlike innocence to his character, making him seem that much more good than the middle-aged evil evil-doers of evil he battles.

Planet Prince bad guys

Typical alien and robot morons about to be owned by tv's Prince of Space


Both Yusei Oji/Planet Prince film adventures clock in at around an hour, the standard length for kiddie matinee serials at the time. Yusei Oji (Planet Prince) was released May 19, 1959, and the followup feature Yusei Oji – Kyofu no Uchusen (Planet Prince – The Terrifying Spaceship) was released six days later on May 25, 1959. Don’t worry, just like all the other early tokusatsu series, there was plenty of Planet Prince merchandise, especially comic books!
Planet Prince comic

This image rips off Starman/Super Giant more than most, it even has a star in the background!


Planet Prince comic

Now he's more cartoonish but still ready for a fight!


As we’ve done a thorough synopsis of the combined Prince of Space film, for these two reviews we shall simply point out variations and deleted/altered material. Yusei Oji has far more deleted segments than the companion film, including a climactic fight sequence with Phantom. There is expanded material focusing on the reporter characters, and a whole plot about Dr. Maki’s wife’s brother being hypnotized by Phantom and his men that we never saw. Some of the music is the same, though the Planet Prince theme is removed from some of the space battles. My Japanese is pretty rough, though I did have some help from an email correspondence with some of the names. So thanks, dude!

PrInception of Space!

As is the norm in English dubbed films, many of the character names have been altered. So let’s do the Roll Call to figure out who is who…

You will answer three questions, Krankor!

Yusei Oji (Tatsuo Umemiya) – Planet Prince aka Prince of Space
Waku-san (Tatsuo Umemiya) – Yusei Oji’s human disguise Wally is called Waku-san by practically every character, because he is near and dear to their hearts.
Dr. Maki (Ushio Akashi) – Dr. Macken’s Japanese name is very close to his American version it can even be read on his house’s mailbox. His wife played by Hiroko Mine is known as Sachiko instead of Susie.
Ichiro (Akira Asami) – Dr. Maki’s kid Johnny is in reality Ichiro, though he still wears the business suits!
Makoto (Koji Komori) – Mickey the the shoe shine boy adopted by Waku-san comes across as a real boy without his ridiculous accent and fake tough-guy persona from the dubbed version. Here, he’s just a normal kid thrust into an abnormal situation with is best friend Ichiro. As far as I can tell, he still likes it very much!
Kimiko (Midori Tsuzuki) – Kimmy gets just as little screentime when she’s known as Kimiko.
Ginsei no Maboroshi Taishi (Joji Oka) – Ambassador Dictator Phantom of Krankor’s Japanese name translated to Ambassador Phantom of the Silver Star, as the aliens are from the Silver Star, not Planet Krankor!
Ginsei-jin (Various) – The Chicken Men of Krankor are called Silver Star people, which is a far better name than Krankorians. Because that’s just terrible!
Shibasaki (???) – Susie/Sachiko’s brother appears in a subplot we never saw, brainwashed and commanded to steal the rocket fuel formula!
All prior attempts to shoot you have failed. So…time to shoot you!

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Kalai Arasi

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Kalai Arasi

aka கலை அரசி aka Queen Of Arts

1963
Written by T. E. Gnanamoorthi
Directed by A. Kasilingam

Science fiction films in India are rare, and older science fiction films are even rarer. And once the filmography of Dara Singh is removed, it becomes a sparse selection indeed. But there is a selection there. And TarsTarkas.NET is proud to give you Kalai Arasi, one of the few Tamil films to feature alien invaders and flying saucers. As usual, the aliens come to Earth to steal something, this time it’s not our women or our men or Santa Claus, but our music. You see, these aliens are tone deaf and have no culture, so their king sends a mission to Earth to steal someone to teach music to the people. Hence the English translation of Kalai Arasi, Queen Of Arts.

The 1963 production features alien design straight out of 1950s drive in cinema, with obvious older elements as well. The aliens wear overly silver space suit costumes while traveling to Earth, complete with goggles and lots of doodads tacked on. Their costumes look like Prince of Space, a fireman, and a roll of tin foil were dumped in a blender. The actors walk in stiff gates that emulate old boxy robots while wearing the space suits. On their home planet, everyone walks normal (this is explained in plot by the gravity being lighter on the alien world, and when the hero visits he needs to wear special shoes that weigh him down!) and dress in a mix of Roman/Indian design. The neatest part about the aliens is they salute not by raising their hands to their heads or doing some other odd gesture, but by standing on their toes twice in rapid succession to acknowledge the orders. It is a great little touch that adds believability to the alien culture (and transcends the lack of subtitles!)

The planet backdrops contain both science fiction inspired cities and heavenly clouds. The influence of the mythological films probably gives the reason for the overabundance of clouds (and the alien’s non-spacesuit costumes!) Inside the flying saucers, when in flight the camera angles are haphazard and jerk in random directions, while lights flash and metallic noises rumble in the background. The jarring angles act to disorient the viewer with the pure speed and alieness of the craft. The saucers are the envision of future technology without the computer revolution, a purely industrial age inspired technology setup. The insides looks like what a submarine from the world of Metropolis would look inside. The spacesuits also have the retro influences, a mix of Indian design and serials costumes (particularly , though there is no telling if the Indian film Return of Mr. Superman also influence the goggle design.)

The only alien character who does know music and song is portrayed as a jester and named Joker, his eccentric stylings show how he is an outcast on his own world due to his knowledge of song. He’s a nice character who helps the hero (he’s even played by the same actor, MGR), but has some obvious mental issues and as an effect of that does not live long. In fact, Kalai Arasi is not kind to anyone with mental problems, as there is another character who is presented as crazy who is murdered by the film’s villain. As both characters are played by the same couple that stars in the film, it’s an interesting statement to make. I would even argue Bhanumathi Ramakrishna does a better acting job as the more emotionally unstable Valli than she does as the sweet girl next door Vani.

Interestingly, for a film so focused on music and dance (it being the driving force for the theft of Vani), there is little remarkable singing or choreography. The most entertaining musical number is in the beginning, featuring two women (one cross-dressed as a man.) There is no real alien singing entertainment, even the Joker character dies before he can perform a cool space jam. The real lasting musical legacy is the love song for the couple that is sung in the beginning and features a few reprisals through the film.

The poor music may be one of the reasons Kalai Arasi did not fare well at the box office. It was also sandwiched between several MGR blockbusters. The weird tale, risky for the time, probably hurt the film more than it should. As far as I can tell, the Sarodi Brothers (the producers) never made another film. This is a shame, because Kalai Arasi looks great, and should be better known for the visuals alone. There is little about director A. Kasilingam in English, but he did direct Kaanji Thalaivan, a mythological starring MGR, and had a long career directing and producing.

The presentation is downright awful. A constant hissing noise is present through most of the film. There are obviously chunks missing from the film (including one very obvious part) and the length clocks in an almost exactly 2 hours. This is relatively short for a Tamil film, so that also points to parts missing. Luckily, the missing sections don’t factor too much into the plot (again, except for one part) so only a little bit of problems result. Hopefully the cuts were to fit it on tapes or something, and not because actual parts of the film are missing, but with cinema this old you never know. As you can probably imagine, there are no subtitles, but at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

Due to the lack of information on Tamil cinema, there will be a huge actor infodump, so if you just want to skip to reading about shiny space dudes in goggles shooting flames at a guy in a bear suit, skip below!

Tamil language cinema is mostly based in Tamil Nadu’s capital city of Chennai’s Kodambakkam area (meaning many big production companies are headquartered there), thus it is often called Kollywood. The films are popular in the southern Indian states that speak Tamil, and many are distributed worldwide. Tamil cinema is the second biggest largest film industry in India by volume of films produced.

Kalai Arasi stars Tamil film legend MGR. Maruthur Gopalan Ramachandran, billed as M. G. Ramachandran and usually referred to as just MGR, was one of the dominating forces of the Tamil film industry, which he parlayed into a wildly successful political career. MGR began acting as a youth in a local theater troupe to raise money for his family, and in 1935 began appearing in small roles in the emerging Tamil film industry. The success of Manthiri Kumari in 1947 gave him lead roles, and 1954’s Malaikallan made him a super star. Other notable films include the lead in Kollywood’s first color film Alibabavum 40 Thirudargalum, Nadodi Mannan (also directed and produced by MGR), Aayirathil Oruvan, and 1973’s Ulagam Sutrum Vaalibhan (one of the few Kollywood films to shoot scenes abroad back then, though 1969’s Sivantha Mann pioneered overseas shooting.)

The most famous MGR movie-related incident was when he was shot in the neck by fellow actor M.R. Radha in 1967. They had costarred together in 25 films, filming their last picture together just days earlier. M.R. Radha then shot himself in the head. Both men were taken to the hospital, the bullet permanently lodged in MGR’s neck. His voice was damaged and he was laid up for six weeks, as his fans cried in the streets. Despite all of this, MGR ran a Legislative Assembly campaign from his bed and won by a huge landslide. M.R.Radha also recovered (the gun and bullets he had used were too old to work properly) and went back to stage acting.

MGR was first elected to the Tamil Nadu Legislative Council in 1962 in the Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam (DMK) party. After his Tamil Nadu Legislative Assembly election he deliberatly got expelled from his party to form a new party called Anna Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam (ADMK), later renamed All India Anna Dravida Munnetra Kazhagam (AIADMK). The party was bolstered by MGR films, as MGR kept acting until he was elected Chief Minister of Tamil Nadu (basically governor of Tamil Nadu) in 1977, a position he continued to be reelected to until he died in 1987. He was a popular leader and spearheaded reforms involving nutrition and education. MGR’s death caused widespread riots, deaths and suicides for over a month. Violence during his funeral killed 29 people.

On that note, let’s meet the rest of the cast!

Mohan (MGR) – Mohan is a poor farmer who is in love with Vani, the daughter of the rich landlord. He’s also the sole means of support in his family as his dad is MIA and his sister is always one tragedy away from selling her body. Then aliens come and mess everything up even more!
Vani (P. Bhanumathi) – The lovely daughter of the local landlord and key singer/dancer/choreographer of the area. In love with Mohan despite her father forcing her to date rich jerk Kannan. An alien kidnapping magnet! Paluvayi Bhanumathi Ramakrishna billed as P. Bhanumathi and commonly called just Bhanumathi. She began her career in 1935, appearing in over 200 films in Telugu and Tamil. Not only was she a popular actress, but she also did a lot of musical work, skilled in singing to the point she was rarely given a playback singer and did her own songs (she even did playback work for other actresses!) She directed 1953’s Chandirani. Bhanumathi later wrote short stories which were given much acclaim. She died in 2005.
Princess Rajini (Rajashree) – Alien princess who Vani is tasked to teach song and dance to. Falls for Mohan, despite Mohan’s love for Vani. Rajasree (credited as Rajashri) acted mainly in roles as a Princess, which is pretty good because she plays one here. She often starred alongside legendary actor NTR.
Kannan (P. S. Veerappa) – Rich jerk who thinks he’s dating Vani, though she’s really dating Mohan because Kannan sucks and has rage issues. He kidnaps the mentally ill Valli because she looks like Vani and marries her. Then his rage issues kick in again… P.S. Veerappa is a famous villain actor who became well known for his famous evil laugh, first appearing in Chakravarthi Thirumagal (1957).
Thinna (M. N. Nambiar) – Alien kidnapper and high-ranking alien. Is in line to marry Princess Rajini and become king, but then she goes and falls for Mohan when he arrives to get back his girl. When dressed in the spacesuit, Thinna wears black goggles. M. N. Nambiar (born Manjeri Narayanan Nambiar) was another famous villain actor, playing bad guys for over 50 years in what is described as over 1000 films (whether or not that is true, who knows?!) Nambiar has acted in Tamil, Telugu, Malayalam, Hindi, and in English (specifically the 1952 film Jungle.) Despite his famous villain persona, everyone described him as the nicest guy you’d ever meet. He died in 2008.
Malla (???) – The other alien kidnapper, known for wearing white goggles and getting left behind when they kidnap Vani. Easily defeated by rocks and sticks.
Valli (P. Bhanumathi) – Local woman with vast emotional problems who lost her sanity long ago. And she looks just like Vani so she’s kidnapped and forced to marry the evil Kannan. Strangled and forgotten.
Komali the Joker (M. G. Ramachandran) – Alien music man who helps Mohan once he reaches the alien world, but is tragically killed by a meteor. Mohan assumes his identity while searching for his kidnapped love.


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Janram (Review)

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Janram

aka Blind Moon aka จันทร์แรม

2004
Written by Varapon H. Phadungratna
Directed by Kirati Nak-Intanond

There’s a storm coming…a BLOOD STORM!!!

Janram is a Thai film from Niepce House, which is related to Natnalin Magazine, an art magazine from Thailan named after its founder, Natnalin Noimai, a photographer. The magazine has a heavy art bent, and the related features and enterprises on the website also trend towards the art direction. It did well enough that they started up a moving picture divsion to try to cash in on the Asian Horror craze that was sweeping the world in the early 2000s. From what I can tell, they produced only two films: Janram and Secret Room No.7, both released in 2004. Janram is heavily weighted to show visuals, visuals that have the appearance of the way fine art photographs would look in an arty black and white photoshoot. This is all well and good, but moving film is a different medium than still photography, so the correlation seems odd at times. It gives Janram a more high class feel, which strikes a stark contrast with what is actually happening in the story, with lesbian vampire schoolgirls.

Janram is based on a serialized story called Janram by Poomkamol Phadungratna that was incomplete at the time of filming. As Niepce House is a company set up by artists, the few films it made were more “artistic” than anything else. But they were also horror films, mostly so they could sell them overseas. This film is packed to the gizzards with weird stylized stuff – it has a washed out appearance most of the time, allowing for when there is blood for it to be bright bright bright red and contrast sharply with the rest of the film. Beyond that, there are random odd zooms and the camera is constantly moving like the cameraman was wearing rollerblades or something. As usual, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

The line for the midnight premiere of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 started before Part 1 hit the theaters!

The best part of this film was the two trailers before the film. One was of a haunted bra film – yes, haunted bra film. You see, if you put on this haunted bra, a ghost would appear and your bra would glow all yellow and you would be possessed by a ghost. Apparently women trade bras often, so dozens of women wear the haunted bra, which hunts down the people who killed and raped it’s original owner. Oddly enough, the English name for this film is Haunted Bra.

There was also a Naked Weapon knockoff film complete with crappy version of the Sharon Stone Basic Instinct leg crossing scene. The budget was about $4, but it’s probably at least as good as the real Naked Weapon. As far as I can tell, this doesn’t have an English name, but goes by นางฟ้า ต้องประหาร. If it ever gets back in print I’ll snatch up a copy for thrill of it all. Thanks to ThaiWorldView for helping me figure out the title!

Vampires also double as photo-negative safe lights for darkrooms!

Janram (Jintana Aromyen) – Just your average lesbian vampire schoolgirl who slowly eats all her lovers to death, yet doesn’t seem to realize that she’s killing all of them and gets depressed when they keep dying. But that doesn’t stop her from hooking up again and again with a constant parade of young lasses. The upper class Janram lives with her creepy grandma who is always silently craddling a doll and her mother. Actress Jintana Aromyen is also in Gonggoi: The Beast and 2004’s Ghost Dormitory
Ming (Maethinee Suwanjinda) – Janram’s lover who dies near the beginning of the film. Like you expect from a vampire flick, she returns very hungry and very upset that Janram has moved on to a new girl. It’s going to be a chick fight tonight!
Sassy (???) – As I couldn’t figure out her name, I just called her Sassy because she’s very sassy to everyone. Sassy has always hated Ming for reasons unknown, and she has no qualms on moving in on Ming’s territory once she dies. But then Ming comes back, but Janram now likes Sassy more… I think this is actress Bussakum Apithanarak but I am not sure.
I must stay away from the audio adaptations of Warhammer novels…but Gotrek and Felix can’t be resisted!

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Fox Ghost (Review)

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Fox Ghost

aka Erotic Ghost Story: Flirtatious Pairs aka 聊齋誌異之孽慾孤鬼 aka Liáo zhai zhì yì zhi niè yù gu xian

2002
Directed by Stanley Tong Man-Hong

This is what happens when you don’t use dryer sheets and the static cling goes to overload!

From 2002 we have a Category III film of the sexual kind, Fox Ghost. And we must ask one question: Is it any good? No. Actually, two questions: Does it deliver the goods? Not really. If you want a cheap Cat III flick, it does okay, but the film isn’t erotic, is barely entertaining, and much of the film is boring filler. There are a few moments of glory, but other films have done much better, and are far more worth your time. But if you must watch the film, you might as well be prepared. I guess Sophie Ngan fans will be happy, as will fans of Hong Kong films that import Japanese talent to provide extra nudity. 1.3 billion Chinese, and they can’t find more than one to get naked in Fox Ghost? Actually, these two girls are Japanese AV stars, so maybe it is more of a ploy for extra sales overseas. Our version has 100% no subtitles, but when has that ever stopped us? At TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinkin’ subtitles! Fox Ghost blatantly advertises the fact it stars Sophie Ngan, the star of My Secret Private Virgin and The Peeper’s Story 2 – The Escape Partner. I will get right on that.

Despite the fact as ghosts we can be intangible and have all dirt fall to the floor through us, let us now engage in pseudo-lesbian bathing practices to satisfy the 100% male audience!

As you’ve probably figured out, the story loosely based on tales from The Carnal Prayer Mat (aka Rouputuan aka 肉蒲團) and Strange Stories from a Chinese Studio (aka Liaozhai Zhiyi aka Strange Tales of Liaozhai.) It is sort of a combined version of the tales. The Carnal Prayer Mat was written by author Li Yu in 1657 during the Qing Dynasty. The Sex and Zen films originate from this tale. Liaozhai Zhiyi was written by Pu Songling (1640-1715) during the early Qing Dynasty, first known to be published in 1766 (but probably was published before then.) It is a collection of 431 stories written in classical Chinese, most featuring scholars and female spirits (the Liaozhai, which are female ghosts.) Erotic Ghost Story is one of many other films to spring from that source.

Boy, you sure are over-thinking this bathing scene!

Ma Jia/Jiang Xiao-You (Sophie Ngan Chin-Man) – A woman who becomes liberated in the arts of pleasure, and keeps wanting more and more and more from her husband. Eventually he just leaves for a while so she’s gone until the end of the film. Almost as if they couldn’t afford to pay her for the entire length of filming… She is the daughter of a big tycoon named Keung. See Sophie Ngan also in Sex and the Central.
Tao Wang San (Matthew Ng Ting) – Scholar who is adept at getting women to drop their panties (or whatever they wore in Ancient China) whereever he goes. Marries Ma Jia, daughter of tycoon Keung. Also manages to bed two female ghosts and some random girls along the way. Faithfulness isn’t a trait Tao has.
Qui Rong (Hourai Miyuki) – One of two sexy ghosts who come to grab butts, have sex, and basically do whatever they can now that they have escaped from Hell. But someone is after them….
Xiao Xie (Akeno Junko) – The other of two sexy ghosts who come to grab butts, have sex, and basically do whatever they can now that they have escaped from Hell. But someone is after them…. Actress also in Emmanuelle in Hong Kong
Falun the Monk (Patrick Keung Hiu-Man) – A monk who doesn’t put up with Judges from Hell running around in his backyard.
Judge From Hell (????) – And you thought the judge that wouldn’t overturn your parking ticket was bad! This Judge from Hell goes to hunt down escapees, in this case the two ghost sisters.
Princess Leia (????) – Daughter of Darth Vader secretly hidden from him at birth in Ancient China. A leader in the Rebel Alliance against the Galactic Empire. Not adverse to kissing her brother.
Look, I’d like to help, but thanks to this hat I can’t walk through doorways anymore!

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The Blonde Hair Monster (Review)

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The Blonde Hair Monster

aka 黃毛怪人 aka Yellow Giant

1962
Written and Directed by Wong Fung

The Blonde Hair Monster is a story from the pulp series Wong Ang the Flying Heroine Bandit. These tales originated in 1940’s Shanghai from intelligence worker Siu Ping (aka Xiao Ping), who used his stories to speak out against the social and economic injustices of the time, creating a hero to fight for the people. Siu Ping fled to Hong Kong as the Chinese Civil War intensified and the Communists declared victory. The Wong Ang character spoke to the citizens of Hong Kong just as she had to the citizens of Shanghai, and became big sellers in the 1950s. Wong Ang is a play on the word for Oriole, and thus is known as Oriole in several title translations.

Wong Ang fits the profile of the virtuous female fighter character. While not being a nuxia (swordswoman), she is set in modern day and works with modern tools to take on modern problems. The rich and the powerful who think they can get away with crimes meet their matches, and the innocent and forgotten find the justice they need in their lives.

Wong Ang’s popularity made it a natural that she would appear on the screen, with the first entries appearing in 1957 or 1958. The first known film was Shaw’s Oriole, the Heroine (also known as Miss Nightingale, the Flying Fencer), which starred Pearl Au Kar-wai as Wong Ang and Fanny Fan and Chiang Feng as her sidekicks. There is some uncertainty to the exact release date. Beginning in 1959, Yu So-Chow played her in a series of films, four featuring veteran female action star Wu Lizhu and Yam Yin as her two sidekicks. 1959 gave us How Oriole the Heroine Solved the Case of the Three Dead Bodies and How Oriole the Heroine Caught the Murderer. 1960 was the Year of the Oriole with four films: House No. 13, Apartment Murder, Miss Cranery Vs. the Flying Tigers, and The Story of Wong-Un the Heroine. The Breakthrough was released in 1961. The Blonde Hair Monster is the last of the Yu So-Chow Wong Ang films (and the last Wong Ang film period, unless you count Michele Yeoh’s Silverhawk!), though by now the focus had begun to shift to Connie Chan, who plays one of her sidekicks. Thanks to DurianDave from SoftFilm for his work compiling the list of films above.

My favorite part of Blonde Hair Monster is how the vcd is missing an entire reel of the film! Luckily for me, I tracked down a guy on YouTube who uploaded the middle chunk of a TVB broadcast of the film for some reason, and that middle chunk has the missing reel! That’s also why some of the screencaps look different. TarsTarkas.NET goes the extra mile to give you the review you deserve, because we care, when we’re not being lazy! What is even more weird is the TVB broadcast is also missing pieces that the vcd had. So I’ve put together an extended edition of The Blonde Hair Monster that just might be the most complete copy of the film in the world. And yet there still is no title card…

Because this film is obscure as frak and I had to composite it together, this review will be detailed and long. So, sorry if you aren’t into that sort of thing, but bully if you are! And for more, much more on the Jane Bond films that this is a prototype of, listen to the Jane Bond Infernal Brains Podcast!

Wong Ngan (Yu So-Chau) – The champion of the people and solver of mysteries. Wong Ngan the Oriole fights for justice, and for just being there when stuff goes down. She and her girls will solve any mystery that comes along and won’t take any crap while doing so, though Wong Ngan is more likely to dispense with the villains with a polite smile than her sidekicks.
Heung Ngan (Connie Chan Po-Chu) – Wong Ngan’s younger sidekick, who is sassy and tough, and not afraid to fight a gigantic yellow-haired monster on occasion. Or a lady in a skeleton costume. Or a jerk homeowner keeping her from having a banana. The film is well aware Connie Chan will be the cat’s meow in another year or two, and makes sure to keep her on screen.
Wu Nga (Chan Hiu-Kau) – Wong Ngan’s other sidekick, who wears a K on her jacket (for Krazy!) She’s more reserved than Heung Ngan, but isn’t afraid to kick some butt if need be.
Inspector To (Walter Tso Tat-Wah) – Walter Tso shows up as his Inspector character that he played from time to time when not starring in a period piece. It’s a good thing Inspector To let these women wander around and solve his case for him, because he’s wrong on just about everything until Wong Nang politely explains what happened.
Cheung Yan-Lei (Sek Kin) – The framed younger brother of Cheung Yan-Chuen who spent years in jail and recently escaped. He’s plotting revenge, but a jerk like Cheung Yan-Chuen has so many enemies Yan-Lei is going to have to get in line.
Cheung Yan-Chuen (Ling Mung) – The evil brother who framed his brother for murder and screwed over a lot of people in his life. A list of his enemies would just be a copy of the phone book (Cheung Yan-Chuen wouldn’t be there, as he’d have an unlisted telephone number just to be away from everyone else!) Learns why you should never turn your back on your enemies, especially the ones with knives.
Cheung Kai-Ting (Cheung Ying-Tsoi) – Son of Cheung Yan-Chuen who now has to deal with his idiot father’s enemies coming to cause problems. You think you have dad problems.
Yau Tin Lung (Lam Liu-Ngok) – The servent to Cheung Yan-Chuen who is listed here because she’s a major character with a secret. And just ignore the fact there is a mystery character who is obviously female…
Sifu (Lok Gung) – A one-eyed sorcerer who helps Cheung Yan-Lei after his escape from jail and just happens to have a giant manservant and an orangutan on hand in his lab. So did Cheung Yan-Lei escape from jail into a pulp novel? You’d be surprised, because this film is based on a pulp novel!
Blonde Hair Monster (Siu Gam) – Was originally Sifu’s servant Mo Mo before a horrible accident and the addition of orangutan blood turned him into the fearful Blonde Hair Monster! Is that blonde hair real? Only his hairdresser knows for sure!
Ghost Lady (It is a mystery!) – Who could this mysterious ghost lady be? And why is she wearing a skeleton head when she is a ghost?


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Korean Terminator (Review)

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Korean Terminator

aka 터미네이터와 형사 곰팽이

1992
Directed by ???

Korean Terminator
Terminator Beyond Thunderdome!

It’s time once again for a Korean kiddie comedy that will make you beg for a bullet to the brain to ease the pain. Korean Terminator is just as awful as you think a kids Terminator film would be. Like most of these Korean children’s films, there is a ridiculous fat guy who is supposed to be comedic. We saw one in Super Batman & Mazinger V, and there is one here. Though I am not 100% sure, I believe these are the spawn of D-War director Shim Hyung-rae’s character from the Wuroimae films, which were popular enough many of these similar films ganked from them just as much as these Korean kiddie films ganked from Japan and America. There are also often characters with some random stylized anime characteristics, most notably a red nose or drawn on freckles or eyebrows, which I think is an artifact of many of these films having their subjects stolen from anime/manga properties. Though other films will be a mix of live-action and cartoons, Korean Terminator is 100% live-action, so the anime people don’t really seem to belong and make the film much more surreal than it should be.

Korean Terminator
Lady, you ask me about my salvation again, and I’ll Terminate you!

It looks like you can thank Jademan Comics Co. for this travesty, as that is the only thing in English in the “FBI” warning before the picture. Which is sort of funny because of the blatant copyright infringement going on in the actual movie. But do not steal this movie that steals so much from so many! If you are a time travel fan, you will be sad to know there is no time travel in this Terminator! There is only a guy who is turned into a Terminator by a crazy scientist who does stuff like that. Every once in a while there is an action sequence befitting a Korean children’s film, the rest of the time is mostly unfunny comedy. But we won’t get anywhere without knowing who we’re facing! I have no clue who any of the actors are or who even directed this. It was a minor miracle finding the Korean name of this film, which doesn’t seem to have an English translation beyond Korean Terminator (which is only the first part of the actual title!) There is also at least one other Korean Terminator ripoff film made around the same time, with a completely different cast.

Korean Terminator
The true story of Real Doll vaginas!

Terminator (???) – Terminator was just your average guy who like Paula Abdul until he’s murdered by goons, then he’s rebuilt into Terminator. The pre-Terminator guy doesn’t exist long enough to even get a character name! He spends most of the film wandering around until commanded to be good by Professor.
Professor (???) – Professor has a device the bad guys want. He also rebuilds people into cyborgs instead of taking them to the hospital. Never get a paper cut near Professor, or you will have robot arms before you can scream!
Photographer Girl (???) – A lady photographer who was going to talk to Professor right before he was kidnapped. Gets involved in the attempts to rescue him and stop the bad guys.
Yeong (???) – A goofy cop who spends most of his screen time making ugly faces and falling over himself. It’s hard to tell some times who is more annoying, Yeong or the Fat Evil Sibling!
The Evil Siblings (??? and ???) – The most annoying bad guys ever! The fat guy in the cowboy hat stutters and spends most of the film talking tough and then getting blown over by a gentle breeze. His sister is the whiniest woman in the world. Thankfully they both die.
Korean Terminator
I won’t be back! *SOB!*

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