Sesame Street gets its yumpire on with Twilight Breaking Cookie!

[adrotate banner=”1″]Sesame Street gives kids a good lesson in self-control, all the while skewering those Twilight films! In Sesame Street: Twilight Breaking Cookie, Shortbredward (Cookie Monster!) is a yumpire, which means he can’t control himself around cookies, and much devour him immediately. He and Belly are in love, but Belly can’t have any cookies with Shortbredward eating them all! What a jerk! Enter the third angle of this love triangle with Bacob the Wolf, who spends all day baking cookies to try to impress Belly, and howling in frustration when his efforts fail. With the impending nuptials between Shortbredward and Belly approaching, Bacob makes one last ditch effort to show that Shortbredward is an out of control yumpire. Can Shortbredward learn self-control and not eat all the cookies, all while reenacting scenes from the Twilight movies?

I especially enjoy how for half of the short, Belly says nothing except “I love you, Shortbredward” or “I love him”. But once she finally gets some backbone it is when Shortbredward learns some self-control. It both proves Shortbredward’s love for her, as it is the motivation he needs, and gives her character something to do besides look depressed and declare her love. And don’t forget the twist at the end!

Will kids learn from this? The original suggestions have to do with getting your mind off of the subject that gets you out of control by distractions, but the ultimate solution is to prove to yourself that you have the motivation to avoid it, exampled as talking it through. Because true change comes from within. So all in all, this one was pretty good!

Shortbredward is a yumpire with a cookie thirst and Belly is the girl who loved Shortbredward. The problem is that Shortbredward couldn’t control himself enough to share his cookies with Belly. Will Shortbredward ever learn to control himself or will Bacob the Wolf convince Belly to be with someone who has better executive functioning skills? Find out in Twilight: Breaking Cookie!

The Twilight robot baby too terrifying for cinemas!


I hunger!

[adrotate banner=”1″]Before we took a long drive down Uncanny Valley and got a CGI baby Renesmee in Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2, there was a robotic baby constructed….for some reason. And it was TERRIFYING!!! The cast and crew started calling it Chuckesmee, because it looked like the murderous Chucky doll! Yahoo has an exclusive video preview of some of the behind the scenes specials coming out on the Blu-Ray that show this terrifying footage. And now the rest of the planet can be scared!

If you missed watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 in theaters, then you missed out, because of the crazy stuff that happens that Twilight fans did not expect, thus there was awesome audience reactions, which won’t be replicated in the same way by watching it at home. I can only imagine how much better the reactions would have been had everyone already been unnerved by a creepy robot baby. Chuckesmee, you will forever live on, in our nightmares!
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Rifftrax news stuff – Kickstarter, Cool As Ice, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Aro He-Man
[adrotate banner=”1″]Here is a bunch of RiffTrax news that never made it to the site. If you haven’t heard of this, it’s news to you!

RiffTrax launched a Kickstarter to get enough money to deliver a comically large check to Summit Entertainment in order to get the rights to riff Twilight in theaters during one of their RiffTrax Live events. They’ve already zoomed past their goal but extra money means more money they can wave in front of Summit and Lionsgate. Fallback is to get something almost as awesome. Disclaimer: I will probably donate to this Kickstarter to get a bunch of the digital goodies.

Speaking of RiffTrax and Twilight, the RiffTrax for Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 has appeared! Praise the Volturi! The Twilight RiffTrax are among the most funniest they do, and I’m looking forward to this one!

“You see, son, sometimes, when a shirtless teenage werewolf and a newborn love each other, very, very much…” Baby girlfriends! International squads of vampires with a host of mutant superpowers that should be blood in the water to Marvel’s legal department! A final, epic showdown between the forces of vampire “evil” and vampire “meh, whatever”! All that sounds amazing, right! It’s what we’ve been building to for four movies, right??? Like, something’s finally gonna happen! RIGHT??????

Ah ha ha haaaa, remarkable. Believing this series would pay off in any way… to paraphrase Twilight: New Moon songstress Lykke Li, “There’s no posssibilityyyyyy.” This movie is mostly about an extended vampire family gathering to show support for Bella, its newest, most insipid and simpering member. Because that’s why people love vampires — to see them form coalitions of understanding, and talk out their differences.

But there’s hope, in the form of effete ancient men in red – that’s right, more Volturi than ever before! And the great Michael Sheen offering a cackle of delight so extraordinary that the petition to make it part of his eventual Oscar death reel should begin NOW.

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill as they hide in the mustache of Mustache Dad for one last journey into the land of vampire sensitivity, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2!

If you prefer your riffs presynched and starring white rappers from the 90s, does RiffTrax have a deal for you, as their latest VOD film is Cool As Ice!

Vanilla Ice’s album To The Extreme sold fifteen million copies. It is important to keep this in mind while you watch Cool As Ice, because at some point in time, you will inevitably shriek at the TV, “Who thought this was a good idea? How did this happen? Are they really trying to make ‘yep yep’ his catchphrase? Why???” And the answer to most of those questions is: Vanilla Ice’s album To The Extreme sold fifteen million copies.

Vanilla Ice (That’s My Boy, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret Of The Ooze) stars as a troubled French missionary volunteering at a refugee camp in the Sudan we’re just kidding he plays a white rapper. The only stretch he gives his acting abilities is playing a character named “Johnny” instead of his real name. At this moment, we will point out for the record that his hilarious real name is Robert Van Winkle.

The sleepy little town that Vanilla rides his motorcycle through is not prepared for his chillaxed baditude and funky fresh fashions. Or perhaps they are just stunned that in a movie whose entire reason for existence is the star had a wildly popular album, none of the songs from said wildly popular album make an appearance. No Ice Ice Baby. No Play That Funky Music. Not even Havin’ A Roni. In fact, there is not even the vaguest hint that there was even a Roni anywhere to be Had on the set of Cool As Ice.

Despite the lack of Ronis, Cool As Ice is still one of the finest looking bad movies of all time. This is because the director of photography went on to do the cinematography for films such as Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan and Lincoln. That’s right, a mere three years after Janusz Kaminski made sure that Vanilla Ice’s Stussy shirt was properly lit during the construction site frolicking scene, he was finding the right lens to shoot Liam Neeson’s “I could have got more” speech in Schindler’s List.

It is perhaps the only movie that is more 90s than the entirety of VH1s I Love The 90s series. Stop, collaborate and listen as Mike, Kevin and Bill team up to riff Cool As Ice.

Cool As Ice RiffTrax

Twilight Breaking Dawn 2 RiffTrax

Will a Twilight reboot sparkle all over again?

[adrotate banner=”1″]From the Dept. of NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoOOOOOO!!!! comes the exciting news that long term plans from Lionsgate call for a Twilight reboot! Lionsgate bought Summit this past January and have seemingly decided that they enjoy dump trucks filled with money, so the only way to ensure that keeps happening is more Twilight movies! But the books are all finished (except the uncompleted and abandoned book that was just a retelling of the original book from Edward’s POV!) so the only real solution is REBOOT! I support this 100%, I want Twilight movies to be in constant production with a new film out every year, the vampires becoming more and more sparkly, the werewolves being more and more shirtless, Bella being more and more bland and uninteresting, the casts becoming increasingly parodies of the prior casts until the irony becomes so dense Earth is enveloped into a black hole that swallows the universe. A sparkly black hole with no shirt!

Granted, this is all rumor at this point from BloodyDisgusting’s inside sources, but why wouldn’t studios want to make tons of more money? This makes perfect sense. Too much sense.

BloodyDisgusting via DreadCentral

Kermit Twilight

I hope they cast me this time!

Muppet Twilight Posters here

Fifty Shades of bullets to blow out your brains!

[adrotate banner=”1″]That’s what we need, bullets, not some Mommy Porn garbage that was a Twilight fanfic and is now going to be an epic movie trilogy that will make you question everything as you slit your wrists down to the bone. And then keep slicing!


So for those of you who are lucky duckies and have no clue what I am whining about, Fifty Shades of Grey is a trilogy of books that began their lives as Twilight fan fiction. British author E L James created the BDSM-themed story featuring Edward and Bella and they were released for free, as fan fiction is. But the stories became very popular, to the point there was a convention about this fanfic (!) which raised money for charity. Then E L James took the story, changed only the names of the characters (Bella and Edward become Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey), and published the book through a company that has published similar work in the past. She then got her fans who paid for the convention to buy the book and spread reviews all over the internet, generating buzz and getting fame and money and popularizing the term “Mommy porn”. Yada yada yada, E L James has a ton of money and fame made off of the backs of Stephenie Meyer, and scored more when a company paid seven figures for the rights to reprint the books. And now E L James has even more money, because a gigantic bidding war broke out over the movie rights to her book. As many as 10 studios were fighting hand over fist for the right to bring the Mommy Porn to life on the big screen. And..ding ding…we have a winner! For an estimated $4 million or 5% of gross, Universal Pictures and Focus Features have acquired screen rights to Fifty Shades of Grey and the two sequels, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed.

So what the hell is going on?


Anastasia on her first blow job:

Hmm…he’s soft and hard at once, like steel encased in velvet, and surprisingly tasty — salty and smooth…he’s my own Christian Grey flavor popsicle.

Anastasia on Christian’s tortured, tortured soul:

“Why don’t you like to be touched?” I whisper, staring up into soft gray eyes.
“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.”
Oh…his honestly is completely disarming. I blink up at him.

After her first spanking session:

“Oh baby,” he breathes. “Welcome to my world.”

We lie there, panting together, waiting for our breathing to slow. He gently strokes my hair. I’m on his chest again…boy…I survived. That wasn’t so bad. I’m more stoic than I thought. My inner goddess is prostrate..well at least he’s quiet. Christian nuzzles my hair again, inhaling deeply. “Well done, baby,” he whispers, quiet joy in his voice. His words curl around me like a soft fluffy towel from the Heathman Hotel, and I’m so pleased he’s happy.

This is enough to make you run screaming back to Edward, Bella, Jacob, and the baby he loves, holding them tight and never wanting to let go….

Bella Edward Shades of Grey

Whose movies are awful now???

Muppet Saga posters

[adrotate banner=”1″]It’s time for me to pimp out the Muppet movie again because I love the Muppets and you’re going to have to put up with that fact. So here are three Twilight Parody posters, The Muppet Saga! I would totally watch an all-Muppet version of Twilight. Make it happen, Disney!
Kermit Muppet Saga Vampire

were-rowlf Muppet Saga

Guess who can act better than Lautner!

Bella Swine Miss Piggy Muppet Saga Twilight