Lolita from Interstellar Space (Review)
Lolita from Interstellar Space
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick
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This is the USS Vladimir Nabokov, we’re being chased by an unknown vessel and requesting assistance!
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Lolita from Interstellar Space is yet another erotic parody softcore feature from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with science-fiction elements and featuring a load of the familiar actors and song queues you know and love from the Retromedia bunch. Despite the reins being handed over fully to Dean McKendrick, the films are still recognizably from the same production group, and Lolita feels like a comfortable pair of slippers.
An alien comes to Earth to learn all about humanity, and humanity’s favorite pastime – sex! Or killing each other, but that wouldn’t make a good late night cable movie, so that’s all thrown out in favor of the bumping of uglies. A good decision, in my opinion. Who knew that softcore films are more progressive than prime time television?
This film just made a profit!
Lolita from Interstellar Space succeeds in having a group of characters who are flawed but still good people (except for Greg, who is just bad), lending some realism to their portrayals. Sarah, who likes fancy stuff, but likes honesty and not putting up with a bunch of crap more. Joe, who is aimlessly drifting through college, but stays away from dipping into the unscrupulous doings of his friend Greg. Brandy, who enjoys attention but is rather reserved. Lolita isn’t a super smart alien chosen for this unique mission, she’s a screw-up who goes because it’s a last-ditch effort to get a passing grade. And even then, she messes up and has to fix the problems.
This film does raise the question on if the aliens are sending students to different planets all the time for extra credit, and what are the long term consequences of this action? Could thousands of planets in the galaxy be receiving visits from this race in the form of students who are in danger of failing? And where to the advanced students go? Once again, the viewer must answer these questions for themselves. I am fully confident that this will be the main avenue of discussion for Lolita from Interstellar Space, and not the sex scenes. I’m also fully confident you knew I was kidding about that last sentence!
All your insurance covers is hypnotherapy!
You also need to know that Lolita from Interstellar Space is based on the classic tale by Jules Verne! Wait…WHAT??? Damn you, Jules Verne!
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I think she knows we’re only in this chemistry class to learn how to break bad!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Alec Knight, Anna Morna, bikini movie madness, Chad White, Christine Nguyen, Dean McKendrick, Karlie Montana, Lesbians, Nick Manning, Seth Gamble, softcore, Synthetic Filmwerx
Stacked Racks from Mars (Review)
Stacked Racks from Mars
2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick
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They got all this way before they realized they left Grandpa back at the gas station!
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Earth is once again the target of alien conquest and alien lust in Stacked Racks from Mars! Invading aliens are always coming to Earth with plans to invade, and plans to have fun shore leaves, which almost always result in the aliens choosing not to invade. If there’s one thing humans are known for in the galaxy, it’s fucking anything and everything that comes to Earth. ALF, ET, Predator, Mac – they all pulled in tons of tail! Where do you think Disney gets the raw components for their latest generation of kids from?
Oh, forget the plot, let’s just make out!
Stacked Racks from Mars is another femalien invasion movie where alien ladies possess the bodies of Earth ladies and proceed to go on a sex spree. This time, the ladies specifically say they were conscious the entire time while the aliens use their bodies to have sex with random people. However, they don’t seem to be shocked at all by the experience of being possessed and coerced into situations of rape, and are instead more mad at their husbands, who have sex with the alien women. That’s a neat trick to try to dismiss the fact the women are being raped, and unfortunately I have to give demerits to Stacked Racks from Mars because I’ve never been comfortable with these scenes, and prefer everyone being totally down with getting down. At least this time the women are freed, unlike in Housewives from Another World, where they are trapped forever while the aliens control their bodies.
Stacked Racks from Mars is cartoonish in nature, with several scenes that are played up for ridiculousness. The ending especially, which gives off Benny Hill vibes and deflates what should be more serious repercussions. If you miss that spaceship set that gets used a lot in low-budget features, it makes a reappearance, complete with a sex scene on the table. All the other classic Retromedia/Synthetic Filmwerx stuff is present, from the usual core cast (with a few newbies) to the familiar music.
Wait, sex with aliens causes impotency???
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But we have no shelves, how can we stack?
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Hidden Treasures (Review)
Hidden Treasures
2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Ashton
Call me Poison Ivy because I basically am Poison Ivy.
Hidden Treasures is an interesting film, because the lead woman Elizabeth is manipulative over her former roommates/lovers, who eagerly go along with whatever weird junk she’s selling. They then drag their girlfriends into the mess, and commit a million sins that would end any relationship immediately. You have to take some of the scenes with a huge iceberg-sized grain of salt that anyone would go along with the shenanigans.
Initial premise aside, Hidden Treasures is an interesting “erotic thriller”, I use thriller because it’s not really any other category. We know Elizabeth is manipulative, but we don’t know how much, or if she’s even the most guilty party.
I’m just gonna dig some shallow graves, nothing suspicious or anything!
Someone does know something about plants (I haven’t determined if Tina Hawthorne is the real name of the writer of the bulk of Mainline Releasing’s films), because in addition to some of the lingo straight out of wikipedia is some actual plant knowledge. Maybe it’s just watching this film while in the middle of reading a book that also has a character who mentions plants by their scientific names all the time (the book is Caliban’s War by James S.A. Corey), but I don’t really do that. But again, I can barely remember the common names for the different heirloom plants I have growing in my garden without saving the seed packets. It’s probably easier when you have someone you can talk plant shop with, but my wife and I are the only people we know who garden.
Sadie Katz’s character Cat is the plant enthusiast here, while Elizabeth Pierce’s father made his fortune in alternative medicine herbal plants and has a lush garden (tended by hunky gardener Jackson, who also knows a lot about plants.) Plants play into the plot with the characters continually talking about them. But there is also a bunch of missing jewels that Elizabeth’s late father somewhere on the property, which is the excuse she uses to bring in her old sex pals Mason and Chris. Judging by what happens next, its as if the characters are convinced the jewels are hidden on one of their bodies, because they keep getting naked and exploring around each other.
Look, buddy, the title is a metaphor about relationships in addition to referring to the stashed away jewels!
It’s hard to break down Hidden Treasures because you have to believe that Cat and Rachel would put up with their idiot boyfriends dropping everything to go help out an old hot friend who they probably had lots of sex with. And neither girl is too pleased, Rachel is openly hostile, while Cat attempts to be positive but runs into interference from everyone, including her boyfriend Mason, but not Jackson. Hmmm…. But basically the lesson is don’t be a manipulative horror and don’t be manipulated by said horror.
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How could you take me to a house with a warped funhouse mirror??? Mom was right about you!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Alyssa Branch, Chad White, David Ashton, David Page, Mainline Releasing, Michelle Maylene, Ryan McLane, Sadie Katz, Seth Gamble, softcore, Tina Hawthorne
Booty Hunter (Review)
Booty Hunter
2012
Written by ???
Directed by Count Matevossian
Just where is that damn booty at??
From the depths of late night cable comes Booty Hunter, a film about hunting booties, I guess. Actually, it’s about some women (one of which is a skipchaser for her bail bonds company) tracking down their old flame to warn him he’s in trouble. And many characters get some booty, and I don’t mean pirate treasure.
Booty Hunter is helmed by a crew of fake names. From director Count Matevossian to producer Mr. Acid to editor Sticky Fingers, the only real names are the actor credits (and even then at least one isn’t credited!) I have no clue who Eros Filmz is, there is no information that I was able to track down that wasn’t people talking about Booty Hunter, and they don’t seem to have any other film out. The entire production is a mystery, a mystery that maybe you can solve, if you like to solve mysteries or are someone who worked on the film and want to spill the beans. Me? I’m just going analyze and review, because I got a million other films to get through.
Booty delivery!
The weirdness of Booty Hunter‘s creatives hiding their names is amplified by the film having creative sections. There are two keen montages – a “life in the fast lane” montage and a chase sequence deliberately designed to be confusing. Both showed editing and creativity that softcore features often lack. A weirder quirk is the sex scenes having slow motion segments, something that was popular in the 90s but I haven’t noticed as much recently. The number of scenes is frequent, but their lengths are shorter, as Booty Hunter tries to rush through it’s plot while still delivering lots of naked people.
How did someone manage to hit the side of my car parked nearest to the curb???
Unlike other films that all seem to take place in the same two or three fancy million dollar homes, Booty Hunter‘s homes look more rustic, more working class dwelt in. They aren’t cleaned up, there is clutter everywhere, old furniture and appliances. They feel real, like the houses the characters would be at. Not everyone has the super expensive stuff, nor keeps the house largely bare. Many people have junk all over the place, and characters who spend all day having sex with random people aren’t going to stop to do some light vacuuming. That just gets in the way of the sex! The realness of the houses adds to the hotness of the sex scenes, because they shatter down the fantasy aspect and bring it back to the real. Booty Hunter could be happening in your living room this very moment. Are you sure someone named Maxx isn’t having sex on your carpet floor right now? Go check, quick!
I am an advocate of a diversity of film production companies in a niche, because that leads to more creativity and a stronger pool of films on the whole. One-off entries like this get my attention because they offer something different, even if it utilizes many of the same actors (who are familiar faces to watchers of Jim Wynorski or Mainline Releasing films) So it’s important to support Booty Hunter‘s existence. The film itself delivers some entertainment, but in the end, it doesn’t come together as well as I would have liked. But I would be interested in more Eros Filmz productions, decided the mystery group wants to continue the mystery…
Detective Booty Hunter, LAPD!
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Just checking your teeth for booties!
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Categories: Movie Reviews, Ugly Tags: Alia Janine, Angie Savage, Ash Hollywood, Brandy Aniston, Count Matevossian, Dale DaBone, Eros Filmz, Lesbians, Seth Gamble, softcore
