Joe Dirt 2 better have MORE dog balls frozen to the porch!

Joe Dirt gif
[adrotate banner=”1″]Warm up your testicles, because we’re getting a sequel to Joe Dirt! Yes, it’s true, and not just any type of sequel, it’s a sequel that will premier on Crackle! Yes, Crackle. Crackle. Crackle…the web streaming video site? TV shows and movies? That Crackle? Okay, now we are on the same page. Crackle is getting into the independent programming game and released a press sheet detailing their shows, most of which I don’t care about, except for this entry about Joe Dirt: The Sequel:

Comedy Feature
The long-awaited sequel to the cult favorite David Spade comedy JOE DIRT will break new ground as the first made for digital movie that is a sequel to a hit motion picture. Spade will also star in the sequel, which will pick-up where the film left off, following the comedic misadventures of the mullet-clad, lovable redneck, “Joe Dirt.” The project will be written and executive produced by Spade and Fred Wolf and directed by Wolf.

via Indiewire

A new Wild Things may be about Amanda Knox, weird stuff

Wild things

These are not Amanda Knox

[adrotate banner=”1″]Wild Things spawned three direct to video sequels that are various degrees of copies of the original. Wild Things 2 was okay, while Wild Things 3 was much better (and was the first mega-popular review on TarsTarkas.NET, racking up over half a million hits!) Wild Things 4 basically had a foursome instead of a threesome for the signature sex scene all of the Wild Things movies have. That’s about all I know about it, because even I stopped caring. But the time to not not care has returned, because there might be a new Wild Things movie called Wild Child Things and it sounds all sorts of messed up. Wild Things director John McNaughton and writer Stephen Peters have collaborated and came up with…well…

“It’s not one of the sequels, but about their children,” he says. OK, that sounds odd, but just wait. It gets real crazy. “Do you know the Amanda Knox case? It’s something like that. Something that’s like the child of Suzie Toller [Campbell’s character], she claimed that Matt Dillon’s [character] had raped her a long time ago and maybe there is a child and maybe Bill Murray’s character had a child and they’re exchange students and things get out of hand.”

Yeah. Okay. Well, hopefully this get made, because, why the heck not? I demand it!

via Hollywood

The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia ^^^^^^—-WHAT?!?!

Funny Ghost
[adrotate banner=”1″]Who named this movie? I demand ANSWERS! The firing squad is ready. It was even called A Haunting in Georgia, but got renamed. WHY????? Now I have to hate this movie without any cause. Even though it’s not the type of film I’d watch, or even pay attention to if it didn’t have the Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector title. Maybe the ghosts in The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia should go on a road trip or something. I’d watch a ghost road trip movie. Ghosts driving on the highway, having wacky adventures, ghost Tom Green eating a mouse, ghost sex tapes… I seem to be thinking of an actual Road Trip movie…

So The Haunting in Connecticut 2: Ghosts of Georgia features Katee Sackhoff, some people I never heard of, ghosts, and ghosts that copy Japanese black hair ghost’s style. Get your own style, copycats!

Remember it’s “based on a true story”, much like how Kim Kardashian is based on a real human.

image via

Home Alone: The Holiday Heist

Home Alone: The Holiday Heist

aka Home Alone 5

Written by Aaron Ginsburg and Wade McIntyre
Directed by Peter Hewitt

Home Alone Holiday Heist

Home Alone: The Holiday Heist is the fifth Home Alone movie. This will come to a shock to some of you, who will be spitting out your coffee or vodka or coffee with vodka while declaring “There was a Home Alone 4?!?” or even “There was a Home Alone 3!?!?!” I am here to tell you that, yes, yes there was. Home Alone 3 was a sequel in name only that featured a brand new kid named Alex Pruitt who battled a group of thieves after a microchip in a car he got. Home Alone 4 is a made-for-tv flick that was originally a pilot for a potential Home Alone tv series, it did feature Kevin McCallister and his family (though several of his siblings were missing) and his dad dumped his mom for some hot young tail. Most notably, French Stewart stars as the thief Marv, who returns with a new gang to harass Kevin while trying to kidnap a prince.

Home Alone Holiday Heist
You’re so square baby I don’t care

Now that that is out of the way, it’s time to get to Home Alone 5! We return to the classic formula of a kid being left home alone. If you ignore that his teenage sister is also at home with him. Art thieves break in and young Finn Baxter (that’s his real name!) sets traps to stop them as he sees life as a video game. Just when you think this made-for-tv film might have something cool to say about modern children growing up in electronic culture, it doesn’t bother. In fact, it doesn’t bother to do much of anything except role through the numbers, which is disappointing, but not unexpected. What was unexpected is some of the traps are actually funny, they just needed a whole lot more of them. Those few moments of brightness are not enough to make Home Alone: The Holiday Heist the holiday classic of the new millennium. But I hope they make Home Alone 6, and set it at the North Pole where a kid defends Santa’s house from terrorists. Because that’s just crazy enough to work.

Home Alone Holiday Heist
I don’t know what to say that won’t make this picture any worse than it looks…

Finn Baxter (Christian Martyn) – Finn Baxter sounds like one of those made up names for kids from British stories no one ever has. But this kid has that name and he does what kids do, spending all his time on video games and freaking out about ghosts. Which is sort of a shame as he’s a regular Rube Goldberg. Eventually he sets up ridiculous traps to defend his house and sister.
Alexis Baxter (Jodelle Ferland) – Bratty teenage daughter of the Baxter clan who cares about nothing except texting texting texting. Except maybe freaking out Finn as he’s easily scared. Jodelle Ferland might be familiar to Twilight fans, and does a convincing job as an annoyed teenager.
Catherine and Curtis Baxter (Ellie Harvie and Doug Murray) – Could there be any less effective parents in the world than these two? At least mom has a career that is important, dad just bumbles around and neither do any sort of disciplining at all besides complaining. Mom does go into Mom Terror mode when she’s trying to get back home to her kids, but that’s about the parents do besides leave.
Sinclair (Malcolm McDowell) – Art thief who has spent decades tracking down the lost Edvard Munch work The Widow, because his great-grandmother is painted in the portrait. Hey, giving the bad guys back stories that make them not so bad isn’t that smart of an idea. Also note that McDowell can kill Captain Kirk but can’t handle a little kid.
Mr. Hughs (Eddie Steeples) – A black guy in a Home Alone movie! Who is a thief…. Huh. Okay. Hughs is the safecracker who also eats when he’s nervous.
Jessica (Debi Mazar) – The third thief, Jessica is obsessed over the prior safecracker Steve, who she got romantically involved with that ended badly. I was hoping she was romantically involved with Marv or something, but no such luck…
Mason (Peter DaCunha) – Neighbor kid who can tell you all sorts of things about snow and how snow is awesome and snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow snow.
Simon Hassler (Bill Turnbull) – Finn’s gaming buddy who no one knew was a college kid who played games all day until they voice chatted right before the house was attacked.
Home Alone Holiday Heist
I don’t give a crap what “Rosebud” is and it’s certainly not in this basement!

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Tyra Banks to return in Life-Size 2

Tyra Banks Eve[adrotate banner=”1″]But isn’t Tyra bigger than life now? Not any more, thus her return to this character after a 12 year absence. Not only is Tyra returning as Eve the living doll, but she’s also executive producing and will sing the song from the original film, Be A Star.

In the original Disney Channel movie Life-Size, tomboy and football star Lindsay Lohan used witchcraft to try to resurrect her dead mother, only to have things get complicated and an Eve doll to be brought to life instead, played by Tyra Banks. Lohan scrambles to find a spell to destroy this soulless abomination and return to her necromancer ways, but by then Eve has developed into a real person and every character learns lessons and junk. Then Eve returns to doll form because she’s homesick, not because humanity is a disease and she’d rather not exist than live in this hell.

Lindsay Lohan then grew up to be a trainwreck. I’m not saying the two are connected, but…

No word on if Lohan will be back, but probably not in anything more than a cameo role while the newest shipment from the Disney Channel child actor factory will be cast as the lead. Not that this needs many recurring characte3rs, it should be like the Mannequin films where the only returning person is Hollywood. Nobody else is attached yet, but expect this to hit the DTV airwaves in 2013.

via HuffPo

Casablanca 2 keeps hesitating about getting on that plane…

Overdrawn at the Memory Bank

We’re all the sequel you need, kid!

[adrotate banner=”1″]Get on the plane so we don’t have a sequel, Casablanca 2! We’re counting on you to make the right decision and leave and never come back. But we know Hollywood won’t stand for that when there’s money to be made! The NY Post has an article up about how the wheels are moving again and details some of the prior sequel attempts (including TWO tv shows that were made – I only remembered one – and there was no mention of Overdrawn at the Memory Bank!)

Originally there was going to be a sequel right after Casablanca came out in 1942 called Brazzaville, named after the location of the Free French garrison mentioned in the film. In that film, it would be revealed that Rick and Captain Renault were Allied agents all along. Which instantly makes them boring stock characters and soon the treatment by Frederic Stephani was scrapped.

Casablanca would then show up on the small screen – first as part of a rotating segment on Warner Bros. Presents (along with another segment based on Kings Row!) in 1955, and later in 1982 for a Casablanca tv series that lasted a whole three episodes.

At that time Howard Koch (one of the three screenwriters who shared the Oscar) was writing his own treatment for a sequel, called Return to Casablanca, which included parts for still-living cast members (the scripts were rewritten when they died) centering around the son of Rick Blaine and Ilsa Lund – who was conceived the night Ilsa cam to beg for the transit passes – and then raised in America by Ilsa and Laszlo. Rick Jr. then returns to Casablanca in the 1960s to try and find his father, who disappeared during the war. There he follows the trail of ruins to find the fate of his father, helped by an Arab freedom fighter named Jane.

There was also a book sequel called As Time Goes By by Michael Walsh that saw Rick and Renault being recruited by Laszlo and Ilsa to assassinate Nazi leader Reinhard Hydrich in Prague (an actual event.)

Cass Warner, granddaughter of Harry Warner and grand-niece of Jack L. Warner (the real Warner Bros.) found Howard Koch’s treatment and is attempting to get Warners to give her the go-ahead to make it. They passed a year and a half ago, but said they’d be interested if she got a bankable director behind the project. Which means this could happen at any time! Be afraid, be very afraid!

(Also LOL at the NY Post article url being “Saloonkeeper Thanksgiving Assassination” for some reason!)