The Unauthorized Full House Story spoils the secrets on Lifetime!

The Unauthorized Full House Story Lifetime

The Shocking Truth of what happened to Comet!!!

[adrotate banner=”7″]The most legally defensible word in the English languages is “Unauthorized”, and Lifetime is on a mission to turn that into a film franchise of 90s nostalgia mixed with the drama we never knew we needed to know, no matter how ridiculous and made up it may be. On that note, the next entry is The Unauthorized Full House Story, and that premieres this weekend in what will surely be a bunch of people making jokes on Twitter, a few of which will actually be watching the film!

Prepare to return to the world of Danny Tanny, Jesse Kastopolis, and Joey the Guy in the Basement along with all the kids and random neighbor children only months before the actual Full House sequel series premieres, where DJ Tanner continues the Tanner Spouse Death Curse. Will we learn shocking truths about how Bob Saget and John Stamos are mortal enemies? Will we learn what happened to the secret Olson Triplet? I expect a full expose about which cast member stole Dave Coulier’s career after the show ended! And if Full House ain’t your thing, Lifetime has upcoming Unauthorized Melrose Place and Unauthorized 90210 films on the way, with probably many more. I’m still waiting for their Unauthorized Fresh Prince of Bel Air and Power Rangers shows.

Lifetime’s Unauthorized film franchise continues this summer with the original movie “The Unauthorized Full House Story.” From its start as an unassuming family comedy in 1987 to its eventual wildly popular 192-episode run, the film centers on the rise of the cast of one of America’s most beloved family sitcoms and the pressures they faced in balancing their television personas with their real lives.

The iconic roles include:

DANNY TANNER: Garrett Brawith (“Rolling”) as Bob Saget

JOEY GLADSTONE: Justin Mader (“Death Race”) as Dave Coulier

JESSE KATSOPOLIS: Justin Gaston (“Days of Our Lives”) as John Stamos

REBECCA DONALDSON: Stephanie Bennett (“Big Eyes”) as Lori Loughlin

D.J. TANNER: Shelby Armstrong and Brittney Wilson (“Rogue”) as the younger and older versions of Candace Cameron

STEPHANIE TANNER: Dakota Guppy (“The Returned”) and Jordyn Olson (“The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story”) as the younger and older versions of Jodie Sweetin

MICHELLE TANNER: Blaise and Kinslea Todd as the toddler versions of twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen; Calla and Tyla Jones playing them at age six and Kylie and Jordan Armstrong as the twins at nine years of age

KIMMY GIBBLER: Aislyn Watson (“Finding Mrs. Claus”) and Jaime Schneider (“Twisted Tales of My 9 to 5”) as the younger and older versions of Andrea Barber

“The Unauthorized Full House Story” is produced by Front Street Pictures and Bay Road Productions Ltd. for broadcast on Lifetime. The movie is executive produced by Harvey Kahn (“Flowers in the Attic”) and Stephen Bulka (“The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story”). The film is directed by Brian K. Roberts (“An En Vogue Christmas”), and the teleplay is written by Ron McGee (“Rizzoli & Isles”).

The Unauthorized Full House Story premieres Saturday, August 22nd on Lifetime!

via Lifetime!

The Unauthorized Full House Story Lifetime

What did happen predictability?

The Unauthorized Full House Story Lifetime

Everywhere you look, Unauthorized Lifetime adaptations are coming for YOU!

The Lifetime Saved by the Bell movie dropped a preview trailer!

Saved by the Bell Lifetime Unauthorized
[adrotate banner=”1″]Unfortunately, the trailer is on…BUZZFEED! Whatever barfo deal they worked out with Buzzfeed that means I have to go freaking Buzzfeed to look at an unembeddable trailer is annoying. But I do get bonus smugness because the Buzzfeed “article” is shorter than most of my news articles and mostly copy/pasted. But then I lose the smugness when I realize the writer got paid for this crap and is probably getting bonus pay thanks to all the links for views, including the one here. Oh well, fuck that guy. But what is important is this preview shows the cast of Bayside High HATES each other, and that’s awesome. It’s also all set to Bell Biv DeVoe’s Poison, which is also awesome.

We got girls being catty, girls being flirty, competitive pushups, Screech calling Slater a “prick”, Mark-Paul Gosselaar not giving a crap, and executives making snide remarks about hormones. It’s awesome. Have I mentioned that? Thunderstorms and lightning and hail couldn’t keep me from watching this!

The cast:
Dylan Everett as Mark-Paul Gosselaar
Sam Kindseth as Dustin Diamond
Julian Works as Mario Lopez
Alyssa Lynch as Tiffani-Amber Thiessen
Tiera Skovbye as Elizabeth Berkley
Taylor Russell McKenzie as Lark Voorhies

It’s directed by Jason Lapeyre (who made I Declare War), with a teleplay by Ron McGee (Girl vs. Monster).

The Unauthorized Saved by the Bell Story airs September 1st on Lifetime!

via (sigh) Buzzfeed

Girl vs. Monster

Girl vs. Monster

Girl vs Monster
Written by Annie DeYoung
Teleplay by Annie DeYoung and Ron McGee
Directed by Stuart Gillard

Girl vs Monster

This song goes out to all the Disney stars who didn’t have a meltdown.

Take a little bit from Hocus Pocus, a little bit from Ghostbusters, and a scandalously unused title, mix it all up, and out pops a kids vs ghosts adventure that deals with the nature of fear. Disney Channel Original Movie Girl vs. Monster features children standing against the fears that cripple and control their lives, preventing them from becoming their full potential. Of course, all these fears are just simple things represented by ghosts/monsters making fun of them, but to a teenager, that’s totally the worst thing ever. Sometimes, it’s the simple things that are the biggest problems.

The monsters/ghosts are technically manifestations of fear of the living, though they essentially act like ghosts as far as the plot is concerned. They haunt you in your lives, making you more scared, from which they grow their powers. Yeah, it’s a sort of weird Monsters Inc. thing going on, and it doesn’t really make much sense when you think about it too hard. In fact, the lead character Skylar Lewis’ fear monster is the queen evil witch Deimata, and because she’s been trapped for the past 15 years, Skylar knows no fear. Like Daredevil. But then Deimata is released and Skylar is suddenly afraid and the witch is looking to possess her soul. Like Ben Affleck.

The fear equation seems like it is some sort of statement about not having fear control your life. Skylar’s friends are all cowards of various degrees, thanks to their own monsters who haunt them, controlling their lives by making them to afraid to try much of anything. The handsome boy Skylar is crushing on knows no fear, thus he’s popular. Eventually, the scared kids learn to fight back, confronting and conquering their fears by bullying them in turn. Luckily, all their fears are easily deflected, and the ghosts that haunt them dumber than a wet bag of rocks, so the worm turns quickly. There is no real fear, no real horrors, no kids shocked so traumatically they desire to end their lives or live forever entombed in their own minds. This is an entirely fictitious representation of fear, which makes it ring hollow. I understand that they were trying to make a point, but they end up just making a blunt object. Yet blunt objects can still drive in nails.

Girl vs Monster

I have devoured all the scenery and will now work on the actors!

The squeaky clean world of Disney would never allow the horrors of reality to scar their channel and their audience of pre-tweens. Their Official Disney Kid Replicant Factory is hard at work churning out the next generation of clean upper-class California cool kids, all magically ethnically diverse yet having identical faces. This entry’s model is Oliva Hold, who looks the part so well it is as if Disney crafted her from the bodies of the failed earlier models. She’s joined by Brendan Meyer and Kerris Dorsey, who stand out for not fitting the normal Disney profiles, but they only deviate enough to be In Universe acceptable as the target of bullies. The love interest shares no such deviations, he’s Ryan Dean (Luke Benward), and not only is girl melting handsome, but also the leader of the bland rock band that everyone goes gaga for. And his character is saddled with a low-rent Sharpay from High School Musical as a girlfriend. Katherine McNamara rises above her role, but she has little to work with. Until she’s taken over by the evil Deimata, at which point things become cool for a brief period. McNamara is the break out star in my opinion, which is the correct opinion.

Skylar’s ultimate ambition is to sing with Ryan in his band, a chance she has, though the monsters come to ruin things. OMG, what will Skylar do if Ryan thinks she’s not the coolest girl in the universe? Probably just die.

None of this rich kid problems talk is really what Girl Vs. Monster should be remembered for. The simple fact is the villains make the story, and Deimata is a formidable opponent. Her looks and her story makes the Hocus Pocus comparison’s inevitable, so let’s just get it out of the way and say she doesn’t compare to the three sisters from that flick. Her character is different, as is her interactions with her two ghost pals, Anna Galvan as bitter old school marm Theadosia and Stefano Giulianetti as a creepy scarecrow Bobb (neither are credited with their names, I had to pull them from dialogue!) Just why those two work with her is a mystery, perhaps Deimata has great power and they like being around that. Or maybe they’re old friends and have been together for countless child hauntings. In any event, it’s lucky that the children they haunt are friends with Skylar. Or maybe its more than a coincidence. Maybe it’s destiny. Or maybe this whole thing was a setup by Skylar’s mom to teach her about her destiny as a monster hunter by putting the entire town in danger. Always bet on conspiracy!

Girl vs Monster

I’m here to audition for the new Mask reboot!

Skylar Lewis (Oliva Hold) – Daughter of Steve(Brian Palmero) and Julie(Jennifer Aspen), Skylar is unaware that she is the latest in a long line of monster hunters, and that her lack of fear is due to her fear monster being imprisoned. But all that changes one fateful Halloween. Like usual.
Sadie (Kerris Dorsey) – Skylar’s nerdy friend who is totally afraid of not doing well at school. I blame her parents, who are so horrible of parents they don’t even appear in this movie.
Henry (Brendan Meyer) – Skylar’s dorky male friend, completing her pair of unlikely friends. Everyone makes fun of Henry, because kids are jerks. We learned this from Cyberbu//y
Cobb (Adam Chambers) – Cobb works for for Skylar’s parents and is training to hunt monsters, which somehow involves dressing like a hipster. Helps clean up Skylar’s mess and tell her how to save the day after her parents get ganked.
Ryan Dean (Luke Benward) – Skylar’s cute boy crush, who plays in a band so there can be song tie-ins for additional digital download revenue for Disney. Expect the Avengers to also be in a band by the next movie. He’s hella popular, which is why he dates Myra Santelli instead of Skylar Lewis. Take that, Skylar!
Deimata (Tracy Dawson) – The very powerful leader of the local group of fear monsters that wants to possesses Skylar’s soul. It’s also implied she killed Skylar’s grandfather (or maybe was also his fear monster)
Theadosia (Anna Galvan) – A fear monster that manifests as an evil school marm and luckily is Sadie’s fear monster.
Bobb (Stefano Giulianetti) – A fear monster who manifests as a creepy scarecrow, becoming a literal straw man fallacy when his attempts to bully Henry are torn down.
Myra Santelli (Katherine McNamara) – Henry’s girlfriend, who is bad because she’s sort of snotty against Skylar after correctly deducing Skylar is trying to move in on her man. Gets injured emulating Skylar, then possessed by Deimata, at which point Katherine McNamara steals the film.

Girl vs Monster

Skylar, comin’ for YOU!

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