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The Furious Buddha’s Palm (Review)

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The Furious Buddha’s Palm

aka 如來神掌怒碎萬劍門

1965HKMDB Link
Directed by Ling Yun

Welcome to another adventure down 1960s Cantonese cinema lane! There are no subtitles, of course, unless you count the Chinese subtitles. But we don’t need no stinking subtitles! The character names are translated by my wife. They may not perfect, but all information about the film is in Chinese so this is the best you will get in English.

This is the 5th film in the Buddha’s Palm series, takes up right after the previous films (Buddha’s Palm 1-4.) For an overview of the Buddha’s Palm series, read this article I wrote that accompanies this review. That’s what happens when I get efficient and do research on the films, they spawn additional articles. The film is only sold in a vcd boxed set, but my wife’s parents managed to get a copy from a Chinatown video store that was selling off stock, thus they have this one but none of the other ones. Don’t ask me why, I have no idea. I should try to acquire the set, photos on the internet show that Buddha’s Palm (Part 2) has robot-looking guys, a bird character, and a guy with metallic paint on his face. There is not much other information on the other three parts so I don’t know if they have cool visuals as well.

One highlight of the film is it has both of the teen queen sensations of 1960s Cantonese cinema, Connie Chan Po-Chu and Josephine Siao Fong-Fong. We also have Sek Kin as his usual role as being the villain. This is a Cantonese film in the 1960s, mind you! The rest of the regular players from 1960s Cantonese cinema are present, many of which popped up in How the Ape Girl Stole the Lotus Lamp or Lady Black Cat. Since the last go-round with 1960’s Cantonese cinema, Sek Kin has passed on. He will not be forgotten, nor will this be the last thing he shows up on TarsTarkas.NET in (considering he made hundreds of films, we could be reviewing his films until the end of time!)

Lung Kim-Fei (Walter Tso Tat-Wah) – His father was a great kung fu master who defeated Half-Metal Face and a bunch of other bad guys. He may be the subject of the other four films, I haven’t seen them. Husband knows the 9 Buddha Palm technique, but refuses to use it to harm people after an oath to his departed father/master. This oath gets tested when old family rival Half-Metal Face returns wanting revenge.
Kau Yuk-wah (Yu So-Chau) – wife of Lung Kim-Fei and master of magic rings. She can capture people and fight off flying swords with the rings. Doesn’t want her husband to be branded a coward. Is captured by the evil Half-Metal Face, but saved by Monkey Kid and Dragon Girl.
Monkey Kid (Connie Chan Po-Chu) – Connie Chan is the half-ape child Monkey Kid. We could not figure out if she was supposed to be a boy or a girl, but since no one in their right mind would think Connie Chan was a boy, we’re going to just use “she” as the pronoun. Monkey Kid likes causing trouble, eating fruit, and being loyal to her saviors, Husband and Wife, who adopt her after her parents die.
Dragon Girl (Josephine Siao Fong-Fong) – Student of Half-Metal Face who begins to realize her sifu is a very bad man. Her attempts to turn him good only result in her being tortured by centipedes in her body and sent to do even more evil stuff. Luckily she makes a friend in Monkey Kid and is helped to turn good. Dragon Girl is armed with magic swords that multiply and fly around under her command. Her kung fu powers are so good her master fears her.
Half-Metal Face (Sek Kin) – Sek Kin dons long white hair all over to be evil baddie Half-Metal Face. HMF (as his friends call him) lost a leg battling Husband’s father years ago, and has spent all this time planning his revenge. Now with a giant foot, Half-Metal Face will dominate the kung fu world, unless Husband stops him.


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Gonggoi: The Beast (Review)

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Gonggoi: The Beast


2002
Directed by Jaroongsak Vonglaueng

An example of Thai horror from their very numerous killer monsters/spirits genre (combining both!) we get a killer gorilla with glowing red eyes named Kong Koy (spelled Gongoi in the title, but what are you going to do?) that is the ghost of the previous owners of a monkey statue that are driven to kill to regain ownership of said statue. Thus the film gets filled with stupid teenagers who die, but not enough other people die. The long dragging in the beginning followed by lots of padding throughout the film stretch the running time and make it feel like a three-hour long film, and not in a good way. For those of us who just want to see red-eyed monkeys killing teenagers, we get what we want, but have to put up with a lot of annoyances to get to it.

Professor Laphin (???) – Former college professor who left academia to pursue a life of artifact trading for profit. Still manages to know all sorts of folk legends that modren kids don’t care about. Also manages to be a good shot with a gun and an expert in putting red tags on monkey heads.
Joe (???) – Joe is a complete moron who manages to steal a haunted artifact, do the one thing that will make the haunted artifact activate and kill everyone, then not do anything to stop it the entire time until almost everyone is dead. Then he doesn’t even have the courtesy to die. Joe, I say “No!”
Dan (???) – Dan isn’t a nice guy, so he has to die. Goodbye, Dan!
Dome (???) – Dome has long hair and is a cool-looking dude, too bad about his name. He is dating Yoyo but soon end up on the wrong side of a mad monkey ghost’s fist. He’ll never be a soul singer now!
Yoyo (Annie Roongnapa Brooke) – daughter of Professor, mixed despite both of her parents being Thai, so either she’s somebody’s step-daughter, someone was fooling around, or the director thought we just wouldn’t notice. Annie Brooke is a semi-famous model in Thailand and even has an Idol vcd called Sexy Return. It also looks like she has been in several other low-budget horror films such as Mortal Reflection and Sherry Ann, but I can’t find any personal information about her.
Tick Tack (Jintana Aromyen) – Tick Tack (who might be Tick Tock, but it isn’t spelled that way in the subs) is Dan’s girlfriend and is the hot one of the group (I reject the film’s attempt to make Yoyo the hot one just because she’s mixed. Tick Tack is also the crazy one who loses her mind quickly. Jintana Aromyen can also be seen in Janram aka Blind Moon and Secret Room No. 7 (SR7), both of which I know nothing about except that Janram looks like a vampire lesbian film. 2010 UPDATE: Be glad I wrote this years before Ke$ha appeared and this review isn’t filled with jokes about her waking up and feeling like P. Diddy.
Palm (???) – Joe’s girlfriend and the least of the three girls. I called her Girl3 throughout my notes because they don’t mention her name until after she dies. Spoilers. Palm is not a very faithful girl, so she is the first girl to die. I have no idea who played her.
Kong Koy (???) – A guy in a flea-bitten monkey suit with glowing eyes, who is supposed to be the evil spirit of a wooden doll that was the doll’s first owner and wants it back. Also known as Gonggoi.

I could not identify who actors/actresses Pongsakorn Srijun or Sarus Lao Utaiwattana were, and was unable to identify any of the others. So another incomplete filmography thanks to me not being able to ready every language on the planet.

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How the Ape Girl Stole the Lotus Lamp (Review)

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How the Ape Girl Stole the Lotus Lamp

aka 白猿女三盜寶蓮燈

1962HKMDB Link DianYing Link
Directed and written by Wong Fung

There is a lot of old Chinese cinema. Many films were made in the post-war period based on plays, operas, folk tales, and old novels. There was also a bunch of original content created. These old films have handpainted backgrounds, origins in operas and classical tales, and were produced quickly and cheaply. That doesn’t stop many of them from being interesting. I am fond of old-style effects, goofy plots, and stylized action as long as the film remains interesting. And in between all the older love/opera/drama type stories, there is a large pocket of wuxia/swordplay movies just waiting to be discovered. Although the audience for these films was large long ago, nowadays few people are even aware of them. Older Chinese people know of the films, but most of them don’t watch them regularly anymore, and even fewer have websites on the internet. So any specific film backgrounds I can find is few and far between (or in the case of this film, almost non-existent!) Heck, there is no IMDB entry for this film (no surprise there), and even the often reliable Hong Kong Movie Database has the wrong English name for the film.

Tribute is paid to these classic movies in the film Kung Fu vs. Acrobatic, which even co-stars Walter Tso Tat-Wah, one of the stars here and dozens of other classic films. How the Ape Girl Stole the Lotus Lamp is a lucky pick grabbed from a Chinatown movie store based solely on the pictures on the back of the VCD, which included some kids dressed up like monkeys. I am happy to report there are crazy monkey children in the film, but there are also lots of other cool retro effects. Even if I didn’t have my wife there to translate the film for me I would have been entertained (although slightly more confused.) The VCDs for these old films have no subtitles (why would they? I am one of the few non-native Cantonese speakers who would watch these) so the best to hope for is lots of fun stuff happening on the screen.

The VCD case makes the presence of Josephine Siao Fong-Fong well known, though at the time this movie was released (1962) she hadn’t taken off into super-stardom (where her major competitor would be the other, bigger 1960’s Cantonese sweetheart Connie Chan – seen here in Lady Black Cat) so Josephine has a supporting role in this film. Josephine Siao would later become a major leading lady, and participate in many of the Jane Bond films of the late 1960s and even do many films with her “rival” Connie Chan. She first appeared in 1954 and two years later won the Best Child Actor award for Orphan Girl. Like Connie Chan, she also had an impressive output in the 1960s, but in 1969 she slowed down her acting to focus on education and marriage (to actor Charlie Chin, which lasted three months – she later remarried and had children) She later appeared on TV as the bumbling plain Jane character Lam Ah Shun in 1977, followed by three films (one of them was Plain Jane to the Rescue, directed by a young John Woo). She is probably best known to fans from the 1990s for her parts as Fong Sai Yuk’s mother in the Fong Sai Yuk films. See the Jane Bond article for more of her films.

Sek Kin is another major Hong Kong actor making a supporting role here. Usually Sek Kin played villains and evil men in his movie roles. He was the ultimate Hong Kong villain character actor for decades. Oddly enough, although his character is a jerk in several scenes in How the Ape Girl Stole the Lotus Lamp, he isn’t the villain, and ends up doing some pretty noble things near the end. It was sort of weird seeing Sek Kin as a non-bad guy, I have only seen him in a few films but he was always over the top evil. Bruce Lee chose him as the villain in Enter the Dragon. At the time of this writing Sek Kin was still alive and kicking at age 95! He is also in Lady Black Cat where he plays a more common evil villain role.

Fitting with Chinese films, the cast is enormous, so here are the major players listed out (that way we can get shoutouts to all the more obscure Chinese actors and actresses that probably have next to nothing written about them in English.)

Mo Kwun-tin (Walter Tso Tat-wah) – Strong fighter and student of the White-haired Nun, Mo Kwun-tin defends people being harassed and wants to marry Wong Kam-fung. His heroic nature gets him into trouble. Walter Tso Tat-wah began as extra and then a director in the beginnings of the Hong Kong film industry. He soon starred in front of the camera, and by 1941 he had appeared in over 80 films, but then Japan invaded and the industry ground to a halt. After making a fortune on the black market, he returned to films in 1946 and was part of the Wong Fei Hong series of films. He had his own production company, but he was also a heavy gambler and lost a lot. He starred in wuxia ad detective films in the 1960s and eventually wound up on television after returning from retirement.
Wong Kam-fung (Yu So-chau) – Daughter of Wong Yut-pao and training with the White-haired Nun. Wants to marry Mo Kwun-tin, though her cousin Lam Kim-sing is conspiring to marry her instead. Is a knife expert. Yu So-chau (or Yu So-chow) is the daughter of Master Yu Jim Yuen who ran the China Drama Academy. She started her stage career at age 8 in 1938 and began her film career in 1948, eventually making over 240 films. She was the Queen of the wuxia films and no actress has come close to appearing in as many as her (over 170). After her marriage in 1966 she retired a few years later, her last appearance was a cameo in 1970. Since she supposedly lives in San Francisco now I may have run into her on the street without having any idea who she was! I’ll just pretend I did because it sounds more impressive. More information on some of Yu So-chau’s films can be found at our blog entry and this SoftFilm blog tag, and don’t forget this Electric Shadows piece.
Leung Yin-yuk (Chan Wai-yu) – Sister who is training away, saves her brother who runs the restaurant. Is attracted to Mo Kwun-tin, but he doesn’t share her affection. Teams with Lam Kim-sing to steal the Lotus Lamp, but is betrayed.
Leung Yin Bing (Josephine Siao Fong-Fong) – The second Leung sister, instead of training under the White-haired Nun she guards the magic plant for Taoist Priest White Ape. Is called White Ape Girl, but is primarily called Yin Bing by her family. Steals the Lotus Lamp after overhearing her sister’s plans, disobeys her sifu, and generally causes a lot of trouble while not being evil or anything. I gave Josephine Siao a biography earlier, you better have read it!
Cousin Lam Kim-sing (Lam Kau Hei-ho) –He is trying to marry Wong Kam-fung, so he is against Mo Kwun-tin. Steals the Lotus Lamp, a lamp so lotus-y all other lamps are jealous. Eventually dies and is White skull driven reincarnated. You read that right! Lam Kau has acted for 50 years, from 1950 until his last film appearance in 2000. He was in many of the Wong Fei-Hung films. Lam Kau started his own drama school in the 1960’s and later became Sir Lam Kau Hei-ho.
Wong Yut-pao (Sek Kin) – Protector of the lantern and a jerk, but turns into less of a jerk after the lamp is stolen and when his future son-in-law Mo Kwun-tin is sick. Sek Kin got a mini-biography up top so I ain’t repeating it here. Yes, laziness. Deal with it!
Leung brother (Sai Gwa-Pau) – He runs the hundreds of restaurants the Leung family is supposed to own, has buck teeth and a stutter. He is called Ah Goh because that means brother. Sai Gwa-Pau (Sai Kwa-Pau) made films from 1947 until 1995! Sai Gwa Pau was famous for the role of Ah So in the Wong Fei Hung films. Sai was born on October 7, 1918 in Guangdong, China, and died in Hong Kong on March 21, 2001. His nickname was “watermelon scoop!”
Mo Kwun-tin’s father (Cheung Sing-fei) – Father of Mo Kwun-tin, hence his name! I don’t know his character’s name, they didn’t bother to mention it in the film. One of the two guardians of the Lotus Lamp along with Wong Yut-pao.
Beast King (???) – A great ape. Actually, a captive of White-haired Nun and pitted in gladiatorial combat against her students! Where is the ASPCA? This poor gorilla. I don’t know who is in the suit. Maybe it was a real gorilla in the gorilla suit. Because that would be cool.
White-haired Nun (???) – The female sifu! She trains the original four in the ways of swordfighting, knife-throwing, and gorilla destroying. Because they will run into plenty of gorillas in ancient China. I am not sure who played her.
Taoist Priest White Ape (Cheung Sing-Fei ?) – Trains Leung Yin Bing, master of the ape kids, and collector of cool artifacts. He can fly, teleport, hire apes, command apes, command ninjas, and make invading parties go through a bunch of challenges. Being a sifu must be boring if he has to mess with so many people like that. I think he was played by Cheung Sing-Fei (Cheung Seng-Fei) but I am not certain.


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Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle (Review)

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Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle

aka Tarzeena: Queen of Kong Island

2008
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Tarzeena Jiggle of the Jungle joins a long line of Tarzan-themed erotic movies. It is an anomaly in this genre, though, because it is actually entertaining and not a complete waste of celluloid. Director Fred Olen Ray manages to craft together a nice little homage to not only the Tarzan films, but those old jungle films where people wander through stock footage and movies with crazy mad scientists. Tarzeena is a great throwback to anyone who has suffered through borefests such as Nabonga. As viewers of traditional jungle flicks know, up to 25% of the film is stock footage (and sometimes shamefully more than that), there are jungle girls worshiped by natives, and there is usually a guy in a gorilla suit. We have all of those things, plus sex scenes. Tarzeena was one of several made at the same time, also including Super Ninja Doll.


Tarzeena (Christine Nguyen) – Tarzeena the Jungle Girl is the Queen of the Jungle and an expert in jungle love. She commands animals and has zero body hair. The missing granddaughter of Uncle Milton and heir to part of his fortune.and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Amanda “Mandy” Sellers (Nicole Sheridan) – Stepdaughter of Uncle Milton and recieves several million dollars after he dies, under the condition that she look for his missing relatives. Often has to urinate. Nicole Sheridan was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Ted Kilton (Voodoo) – Boyfriend of Mandy and getter of lots of money. I sure hope his relationship is an open one, as both of them are bumping uglies with other people before the film ends. Adult film actor Voodoo is credited as Alexandre Boisvert and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Jack Carver (Evan Stone) – Jungle Guide Jack Carver helps our heroes find the wreckage of Bradly’s plane and the mysterious Tarzeena. and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Jed Slater (Ed Polgardy) – Lawyer for the estate of Uncle Milton, helps organize the trip to Kong Island to look for Bradly and his daughter.
Shana (Syren) – Native girl who is in love with Jack Carter, yet also assisting Dr. Mortimer in his mad experiments.and was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Dr. Mortimer (Mike Gaglio) – Mad scientist performing the brain control operations. Mike Gaglio was previously seen here in Super Ninja Doll
Tabonga (Don McLeod) – Gorilla and friend of Tarzeena. Captured by the crazed Dr. Mortimer and implanted with a mind-control chip. Eventually freed and can turn on his captor. Tragically, his life is cut short by an exploding evil lair. He will be missed. Pour a 40 for Tabonga!

Tarzeena lives on Stock Footage Island – I mean Kong Island. Tarzeena’s skimpy clothing allows her to keep cool in the jungle heat, but at times she must shed her clothes and get naked. Thus she must take a shower in the waterfall. Luckily, a plane filled with hundreds of shaving blades must have crashed on the island at some point, allowing Tarzeena’s skin to remain smooth as an android’s bottom.


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Ultra Q – Episodes 1 and 2 (Review)

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Ultra Q Episodes 1 and 2

Defeat Gomess! and Goro and Goro

1966

Both episodes directed by Hajime Tsuburaya

We have special treats for the last two segments of March of Godzilla 2. Unfortunately our attempt to get more editions of Super Scary Saturday fell through, but instead we have some things almost as good. First up, many of you are aware that Godzilla appeared in a few guest shots on TV shows, most notably Zone Fighter. In addition, the old Godzilla costumes were used in several Japanese series to become generic monsters. In this review, we will be watching the first two episodes of the Japanese TV series Ultra Q, where the monsters are modified costumes of Godzilla and King Kong.

Tsuburaya Productions Co. created the TV series, which started to air in 1966. As they also did the costumes for Toho’s movie productions, they had the monster suits lying around, and Godzilla effects master Eiji Tsuburaya was in charge of making new monsters for the TV show (after the series was decided to be more monsters and less Twilight Zone.) Several of the old Toho suits made appearances. In addition to Godzilla appearing in Episode 1 (as Gomess) and King Kong appearing in Episode 2 (as Goro), we had Manda in Episode 6 (as a dragon), Baragon in Episode 18 (as Pagos), the giant octopus in Episode 23 (as Sudar), and Magma the giant walrus from Gorath in Episode 27 (as Todola). Ultra Q was popular enough that it eventually spawned into the Ultraman series, and many of the monsters that originally appeared in this show turned up to fight Ultraman. I never saw any of these as a child, so this is all new territory. In addition, the DVDs are not subtitled in English! But that has never stopped us before! We may pepper more reviews of episodes throughout the year, as short episodes are easy to write if graduate school suddenly becomes much harder (which it will soon!)


Main Characters:

Jun Manjome (Kenji Sahara) – A pilot for Hoshikawa Aviation and an avid science fiction fan/writer, which causes him to investigate monsters and discover most of the beasts on the show. Actor Kenji Sahara had a marvelous career dating from the original Gojira all the way to Godzilla Final Wars.
Yuriko Edogawa (Hiroko Sakurai) – Female Newspaper Photographer who takes photos of all the horrible monsters that Jun managed to encounter. Went on to star in the sequel series, Ultraman, as Akiko Fuji, as well as many other Ultraman series as various characters.
Ippei Togawa (Yasuhiko Saijo) – Assistant pilot for Hoshikawa Aviation with Jun, and the show’s comic relief. According to the Internet, actor Yasuhiko Saijo used to own a coffee shop in Kagurazaka. He had roles in Gorath, Son of Godzilla as Suzuki, and Godzilla vs. Gigan as a henchman.
Daily News Editor Seki (Yoshifumi Tajima) – Yuriko’s boss, sends her on the assignments to photograph monsters, but is not adverse to getting the scoop on his own.

The main cast list is done, so we jump into the episodes!
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One Million AC/DC (Review)

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One Million AC/DC


1969
Starring
Susan Berkely as ???
Gary Ken as ???
Billy Wolf as ???
Sharon Wells as ???
Jack King as ???
Natasha as ???
Directed by Ed De Priest
Written by Ed Wood, Jr!!!! (as Akdon Telmig)

“This film meets requirements set forth in the code of the ADULT FILM PRODUCERS ASSOCIATION.” Too bad it doesn’t meet requirements set forth by GOOD FILMMAKING!

AC/DC is a detestable mess full of repulsive, greasy actors going at it like chimpanzees on Spanish fly. The incomparable One Million AC/DC is on a DVD with The Mighty Gorga, and probably because they both share a common T-Rex puppet used for bad special effects. The puppet, however, is the pinnacle of effects in AC/DC, as opposed to the low point in The Mighty Gorga. They get worse, much worse. The puppet isn’t even used half the time, otherwise it is a static plastic toy tyrannosaurs who moved by a hand just below the fake mountains. Now, bad special effects can be forgiven if there is a good story. There story here is just an excuse to get the cast naked so the audience can get off. Written by Akdon Telmig, who you might know better as Ed Wood, Jr.!!! Yes, after becoming a depressed alcoholic, Ed Wood was forced to write semi-adult films under pseudonyms. Besides this mess, he also wrote the cult classic about a Venus flytrap man The Revenge of Dr. X, which we’ll be reviewing the second we get a hold of a copy. The one redeeming factor on the film’s terrible pun title is you can make jokes about AC/DC songs: “He’s got big balls, And she’s got big balls, But we’ve got the biggest balls of them all” That would get old quick, so we won’t be doing it. The plot is around a tribe of cavepeople, and their sex, orgies, sacrifices, and winemaking. Exciting stuff, and historically accurate, just like the movies The Patriot and Braveheart.

Olaf (???) – Olaf is the hero of this piece, as so far as it has a hero character. Sounding like Peter Graves, Olaf yet retains a Eastern European name despite being one of the few actors without an European accent. He is the man of Marla, and uses the deadly bow and arrow to slay the ferocious T-Rex puppet/toy.
Banger (???) – Banger is the local artist for the tribe, instead of joining in the orgies all he does is just paint pictures, both of orgies and of random other things, including the sisters of fellow tribe members. He’s one of those cavemen stuck in the 1960s. Instead of happy little trees, it’s happy little sleaze. Helps invent the bow and arrow, thanks to drawing it on the wall.
Helga (???) – One day out picking fruit, sweet Helga was captured by The Gorilla, who did her “Gorilla Style” until she couldn’t get enough of his banana. Once you go gorilla you never go back.
The Gorilla (??? in a gorilla suit) – The horniest ape of the Stone Age, The Gorilla can only quench his throbbing thirst for flesh by pinching a local blonde cavegirl and using her for all his crazed apelust needs.
Chief Jabba (???) – I’m not sure the character name for this ode to gluttony, but Chief Jabba fits nicely. The head of our tribe of horny, girl-sacrificing wine drinkers, Chief Jabba doesn’t do much but sit there, look upset, and shout a few words to announce a couple of major scene transitions. Probably ate the original tyrannosaurus special effects, forcing a last minute replacement of a dime store toy.
Marla (???) – Marla is Olaf’s woman, and she no longer wants him to associate with Luga, the evil blonde girl. She forbids Olaf from being with Luga during the Big Orgy. Provides moral support to Olaf in his quest to kill the T-Rex. Luga is less than thrilled with the prospect of losing some man-meat, so they tussle.
The T-Rex (A puppet and a toy) – Last seen in The Mighty Gorga, crappy T-Rex puppet is back, this time to harass some sex-crazed cavepeople! As an added bonus, T-Rex is played in long shots by a immobile toy wiggled by a stagehand. For those of you feeling things couldn’t possibly get worse than the Gorga footage, you are sadly mistaken. T-Rex is killed by Olaf and his bow and arrow.


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