The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.
The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.
2007
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
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I keep mine next to my Merry Marvel Marching Society card!
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In TarsTarkas.NET’s quest to eventually get around to things, several Fred Olen Ray Bikini flicks are on the bucket list. So let’s begin to empty said bucket(which sadly had been buried beneath a pile of thousands of buckets filled with thousands of lists since 2004!) The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I. is the first of the Tanya X movies (so first that she’s called Tania X here!), which went on to have two sequels (Bikini Royale and Bikini Royale 2) and a webseries that I believe was edited into another film. But this is the one that started it all.
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Attica! Attica!
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The Girl from B.I.K.I.N.I.‘s biggest problem is the date rape sequence. I’ve watched enough of these types of films that I know that slipping a woman some drugs that makes her super-horny is occasionally a thing, but here it’s done in an ultra-sleazy manner and Tanya wakes up with memory loss the next day. It’s disturbing.
Something that is interesting is the scene where Mong Lee (played by white actor Evan Stone), a sort of white warrior servant who wears mixed Asian combat garb, dresses in yellowface as a super stereotypical Asian person, right down to greasy black hair, ridiculous Coke-bottle glasses, and buck teeth. He wears the disguise over his own clothes, which bulge out from underneath, and it is insanely obvious that he is not what he appears to be. Needless to say, the disguise works. The thing is, is this disguise racist, or is the character using Asian stereotypes that the heroes fall for to his advantage to do his job, despite not being Asian? And if so, would that make the heroes racist, and Mong Lee someone who takes advantage of the ignorance of the masses? These are the questions asked by so many people watching these Skinimax flicks at 2am!
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Mission: Impossible 5 was almost as bad as Mission: Impossible 2!
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While the problems all go away by the next Tanya X adventure, we must discuss them, because them’s the rules. The spy genre’s campy nature makes it a ripe ground for parodies, allowing the adding of fantastic elements in addition to the expected hot babes in little clothing. The genre’s mainstream acceptance also means there will be spy erotic parodies for decades to come. Heh-heh-heh, I said “come!”
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The Mime from BIKINI!
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Lady Chatterley’s Daughter
Lady Chatterley’s Daughter
aka Lady Chatterley’s Ghost
2011
Written and directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Juan Medina)
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Look, it’s a magical butterfly! Flap flap flap!
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Despite a few interesting touches, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter is slow going and takes too long to get to the plot, what little plot their is. It’s not absolutely terrible, but it’s part of a pedigree of of Bikini films that everyone admires, so higher standards must be held. In that end, Lady Chatterley’s Daughter fails to deliver an interesting story, and will more likely end up with late night Cinemax watchers asleep on the couch.
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This ain’t how you bust ghosts!
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As the well-worn tome shown during the opening credits attests, D.H. Lawrence’s 1928 book Lady Chatterley’s Lover has had quite an influence on erotic literature (and other erotica!) And now it will vaguely influence this film! Senator Reed Smoot said of the original work: “I’ve not taken ten minutes on Lady Chatterley’s Lover, outside of looking at its opening pages. It is most damnable! It is written by a man with a diseased mind and a soul so black that he would obscure even the darkness of hell!” Needless to say, it’s import was banned before being fought over in the courts (where the book and others like it prevailed in 1959 and was allowed to both be imported without censor and published in the US.)
Lady Chatterley’s Daughter marks some of the transition between Retromedia and Synthetic Filmwerx, as Retromedia still has the opening production company clip, but Synthetic Filmwerx’s name appears as well in the title credits.
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Talk to the hand, because the face is busy boning a ghost actress who haunts a book to save my marriage!
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Windows 8 requires a constant wifi connection to your post-it notes!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: bikini movie madness, Cassandra Cruz, Fred Olen Ray, Holly Sampson, Jessie Lunderby, Lesbians, Nick Manning, Randy Spears, softcore, Synthetic Filmwerx
Jersey Shore Shark Attack
Jersey Shore Shark Attack
2012
Written by Michael Ciminera, Richard Gnolfo, Jeffrey Schenck, and Peter Sullivan
Directed by John Shepphird
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Jersey Shore Shark Attack – The Thinking Man’s Movie!
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A SyFy shark attack movie that has bite and legs. And no, not legs on the shark, that a different SyFy shark attack movie (or three). Jersey Shore Shark Attack has legs because people talk about it. Deservedly so. For Jersey Shore Shark Attack is more than just the run of the mill SyFy flick, it’s also a parody of a recognizable reality tv show brand. The Jersey Shore in the title is more than just a reference to the 1916 Jersey Shore shark attacks, it’s because all the main characters are based on real people from MTV’s Jersey Shore. We got a Snooki, a Situation, a J-WOW, and the rest of the crew that you have to think about for a minute to remember.
Not only is this a parody of Jersey Shore, they improve on the formula. The actors portraying the characters are much more real than the “real” people we see on the reality shows. They have hopes, dreams, and goals in life beyond getting drunk and laid. Mostly.
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Ecco the Dolphin was a chump!
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If anything, I hope Jersey Shore Shark Attack is the beginning of a new subgenre of SyFy flicks, the injecting of actors playing versions of more famous people. Who wouldn’t want to see a killer koala flick where they ravaged the Kardashians? Giant sloths very slowly menacing Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? 19 Kids and Count Dracula? Teen Moms vs. Mothman? John and Kate Plus 8 Legged Freaks?
Jersey Shore Shark Attack works because it’s fun. It’s fun to see people play exaggerated versions of other people, it’s fun to see people chomped by giant monsters, and it’s fun in that the film has fun. The bodies pile high, people get chomped left and right off of boats. There is even a class warfare element, the villains and their real estate plot are straight out of The Goonies! The odd mishmash of everything seems like it wouldn’t work, like the gimmick would get old. But the gimmick is there for the flavor, you could insert your regular SyFy stock characters (hot babe scientist, jaded lifeguard with a scarred past, Sheriff that the mayor won’t listen to) and this would still be a passable flick. But it is elevated to greatness thanks to the Shore. The Jersey Shore.
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It’s me on a typical Tuesday at 11 am!
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Jersey Shore Shark Attack even stylizes itself as a fun flick, from the title cards for the main characters to all the soundtrack songs being all about partying (most songs have “party” in the lyrics somewhere, so much so that Andrew WK should probably sue…) It’s hilarious. There is even some dumb “Shore” acronyms like “ASS = alcohol sun sex” or “Backdoor Nooki”. Each scene in the film has it’s own title.
The general tone of the Jersey Shore is copied, as characters bicker among themselves. While at a dock they see a derelict boat, and then argue about which particular guy named Vinny the boat belongs to. The character BJ is constantly saying randomly ridiculous things and being seconds away from being shark bait at any moment, forever making you think they might start taking out the main cast.
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This shark was obviously Wile E. Coyote in a previous life!
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Beyond the reality show ripping, there’s also the class warfare element as the working class Jersey Shore folks are in a heated territorial dispute with the rich 1% preps from the yacht club, whose stepfathers are the very ones in charge of the construction projects to “modernize” the shore and are attracting the sharks. The Complication’s father is also working class, but with authority, as a police officer. The business owner/developer Dolan (played by William Atherton, well known as villain Walter Peck in Ghostbusters) oozes sleaze and entitlement, while the Mayor Patrick Palantine (Paul Sorvino, who often plays mob characters) has his fingers in all of the pies. Heck, the mayor is even named after the evil Emperor from Star Wars! The entitled class elders are clearly villains with no hope of redemption. But…and this is an amazing but…their children, the very people that our Jersey Shore crew has direct confrontation and rivalries with, become friends with the heroes in the end. Lead by the example of The Complication and his friends to risk their lives to save both Nooki and the rich children (as TC says, because it’s the right thing to do) grants them friends for life among the upper class. Together, both rich and poor blow away albino sharks to save Jersey. The passion, the good character, and the heroism of the Jersey Shore crew make them respected heroes both because of and in spite of their origins. It’s the American dream.
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I’d take a Jersey Shore Red Dawn remake over the actual Red Dawn remake any day of the week.
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You can even argue the sharks are ghost white because they represent the old rich white males that populate most of the upper class. Their deaths both by the working class and the children of the old rich white males is a shedding of the previous norms. Joey Fatone’s quick appearance both as a Jersey native who returns only to be devoured, because he didn’t return to improve the community, he returned because he had been devoured by the music industry and he was reduced to doing concerts in Jersey. His intentions were not pure, and he had to go. Ergo, the sanitized Jersey Shore representatives as characters are also better than their actual representatives in reality programming. Both because it’s easier to be of pure ideals when you are a fictitious character, but because the story demands that there be characters of pure heart and intention leading the charge. The Shore cannot be saved by those who care about themselves first.
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Justin Timberlake actually acknowledged the rest of ‘N Sync???!?!
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Get lost, Megalodon! No one is jumping into your mouth today.
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Categories: Bad, Movies Tags: Alex Mauriello, Audi Resendez, Daniel Booko, Dylan Vox, Fred Olen Ray, Gabrielle Christian, Grant Harvey, Jack Scalia, Jeffrey Schenck, Jeremy Luc, Joey Fatone, Joey Russo, John Shepphird, Melissa Molinaro, Michael Ciminera, Paul Sorvino, Peter Sullivan, Richard Gnolfo, SciFi Channel, shark attack mania!, Ted Monte, Todd Senofonte, Tony Sirico, William Atherton
The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad
2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
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Did I leave the Bikini Frankenstein machine on?
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Whenever there is trouble, and it is double (double-Ds, that is!), the Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad will be there! Three girls solve cases and bust bad guys while wearing outfits that will make you blush…if they bother to wear outfits, that is! Charlie may have his angels, but those films were terrible and let’s not even talk about the reboot series. The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad does more than just be a Charlie’s Angels knockoff with a title borrowed from a hit novelty song, it’s also a commentary on the decline of the Playboy enterprise.
The Tony Tefler character and the Playpen magazine and empire are clearly based on Hugh Hefner and Playboy (duh!), and they lampoon both Hef’s old age and his dalliances with a series of younger women (seen most famously on The Girls Next Door show, but also pretty famous without the show.) In the beginning, Hefner arose from his magazine creation beginnings to become a free speech advocate, largely due to photographing naked women being considered obscene in many parts of the US back in the furious 50s. Playboy grew into a classy and hip thing that world-minded trendy people read while listening to jazz and hosting serious parties where the civil rights movement and women’s lib were discussed by people in berets. At least that is how I imagine the 60s and 70s, though there was probably awesome music and piles of drugs. Playboy even had their own TV show.
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YOU vaccum the living room!
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But the rise of the moral majority, Reagan’s America, the resurgance of conservatism, it threw that hip stuff out the window. In addition, there was also the rise of pornography, in the 70s porn films were playing in mainstream art house theaters. Things came crashing down, the rise of the video culture and late night cable took some of the wind out of the sails. Playboy became replaced by men’s mags such as Maxim and their copycats in the 90s, while at the same time they were losing out online as porn became freely available with but a click and a lie about being over 18. Playboy lost the innovation it had, it’s place as the figurehead for a movement eclipsed.
Is there a place for classy pictures in the age of internet pornography? I’m sure there is, but by not getting ahead of the game, Playboy is fighting an uphill battle. The reality show boosted their stock more than anything recently, but that ended like all good things must. And with it, Playboy’s current cultural impact. It remains to be seen what the future of Playboy will hold, especially as Hefner clocks up there in years and will eventually clock out. Playboy always hold a fond memory for millions of pervs around the world. I remember even buying an issue of Playboy for the article, an interview with Jesse Ventura right after he was elected governor.
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On the guy’s shirt? Elvis!
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The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad hits all of the notes that critics of the Playboy brand have been hinting at. From the producer who wants to make more harder stuff, to the legions of ex-girlfriends of Hefner, to even Hef’s viagra usage, the points are all laid out. Fear not, as the film is not overly preachy, the Hefner character is even the victim, despite being portrayed in an unsympathetic light. If anything, that makes The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad more realistic than many episodes of Law & Order.
The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad is another Synthetic Filmwerx joint! Werx it if you got it.
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Occupy Teenie Weenie Bikini Street!
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This Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire remake is weird!
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Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Beverly Lynne, bikini movie madness, Dean McKendrick, Evan Stone, Fred Olen Ray, Jade Starr, Kelli McCarty, Kylee Nash, Lesbians, Michael Gaglio, Michelle Maylene, Nick Manning, softcore, Tony Marino
Baby Dolls Behind Bars
Baby Dolls Behind Bars
2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)
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Actual police uniform!
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Once again we step into the wonderful world of films from late night Cinemax! And once again, it’s a Fred Olen Ray joint! Yes, Baby Dolls Behind Bars is more 2am camp for your viewing pleasure. Even though the company name on the door is now Synthetic Filmwerx LLC as opposed to Retromedia or American Independent Productions, the cast is the same gang and the locations and music are all familiar elements. These erotic parody Bikini flicks are the ultimate rep theater, reusing plots and actors to come up with interesting scenarios and B-movie inspired plotlines at a rapid pace that would kill many big money Hollywood production companies. It’s modern day movie magic, even studios like The Asylum or some of the SyFy Channel companies don’t reuse sets and actors so efficiently, nor are they as creative.
Of course, since these flicks feature people bumping uglies as their main attraction, they aren’t going to get all the high praise from the critics. But we here at TarsTarkas.NET will high praise whoever we damn well please! You can take your Tomato-meter and toss it out a window! Because the point of these films is to have a good entertaining time while also providing naked people engaging in recreational activities that involve nakedness, the added imagination and fun are a welcome addition and the reason it is so much fun to watch each installment.
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And Catwoman fan fiction has hit the big time!
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This time we jump into the world of Women in Prison flicks. Remember, this is a Bikini flick, so don’t expect one of them dirty, gritty women in prison flicks. This is a bubblegum camp women in prison flick style similar to Bikini Chain Gang. It’s still low budget. In fact, outside of the main actors, there are no extras at all, not even other prisoners or even guards at the prison! Must be minimum security. All the familiar elements that make these films so charming are there, including a plot that I expect Law & Order: SVU to rip off next season!
We have an entire collection of Fred Olen Ray Bikini flick goodies for you to also check out: Bewitched Housewives, Super Ninja Doll, Bikini Girls from the Lost Planet, Girl with the Sex-Ray Eyes, Tarzeena: Jiggle in the Jungle, Ghost in a Teeny Bikini, Voodoo Dollz: Lust Potion #9, Bikini Airways, Bikini Royale, Bikini Frankenstein, Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite, Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros, Bikini Chain Gang, Bikini Pirates, and Dirty Blondes From Beyond. They feature the entire gauntlet of B-film scenarios and wacky goofiness, which means an actual plot to go along with the softcore shenanigans.
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I’m just so….evil! I love it!
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But enough about other films, it’s time to check out these Baby Dolls Behind Bars!
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I’m no expert, but I think they should be wearing flip-flops in that communal shower…
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