Tag Archives: Cynthia Lucas

Piranhaconda (Review)

Posted on by
Reply

Piranhaconda

piranhaconda
2012
Written by Mike MacLean
Concept by J. Brad Wilke
Directed by Jim Wynorski

This won $20,000 on America’s Funniest Home Videos!

Piranhaconda is like a mix of SyFy meets the softcore bikini film. Elements of both merge together while director Jim Wynorski returns to his favorite stomping ground of Hawaii. Thankfully, we don’t have a rehash of the Curse of the Komodo/Komodo vs Cobra/A.I. Assault script, and instead have something wholly new. While parts of it may not work, overall Piranhaconda isn’t terrible and gives enough death and destruction to knock it into mid-tier SyFy creature feature region.

Piranhaconda comes from the period where SyFy had begun to run low on monsters that exist in nature/mythology and needed to just combine fierce animals together to create new horrors. Sharktopus is the one that started this trend, which has expanded to include animal/natural disaster hybrids.

piranhaconda

This is a preview video only! Get the full movie with Membership Access of Creatures Sliming Babes.com, only $9.95/mo recurring!


Piranhaconda doesn’t waste time trying to come up with a fantastical origin of the creatures, it just throws out a line or two about how the monsters have always been there and just hibernate a lot. They even grab a supernatural name for their creature – Kepolo, a Polynesian river devil. In reality, the origin of the creatures does not matter, what matters is if things are a grand ol’ time while all the monster action is happening.

Let’s get this out of the way right now. Piranhaconda is a gigantic dong that slithers through the grass and attacks its prey, often spewing goo over the chest of female characters. I think we’ve moved a bit beyond subtext here into hilarity. The two Piranhacondas don’t like each other very well, which isn’t surprising considering what they represent, but they’ve also mated and dropped dozens and dozens of eggs. Throw that into the fake film being a slasher film, which have their own phallic symbols going on, and things reveal themselves nicely. So, yeah. Piranhaconda!

piranhaconda

When we put our heads together…it hurts!


Rose (Terri Ivens) – A producer concerned with work and handling the difficult actress on her film. Figures out all the dumb stuff Lovegrove is doing that’s endangering everyone.
Jack (Rib Hillis) – Jack and Rose, huh? I guess their hearts did go on! A stunt guy with the hots for Rose, Jack helps save the day while avoiding dating Kimmy.
Professor Robert Lovegrove (Michael Madsen) – A herpatologist who has spent his life studying the piranhacondas that killed his dad, and has finally proved they exist just in time to set them loose on a killing spree. What a nice guy!
Kimmy Weston (Shandi Finnessey) – Famous b-movie actress, known for the line “Suck lead, you hillbilly buttnugget!” Shandi Finnessey is very convincing on playing the spoiled brat, adding a charm to the role a lesser actress wouldn’t know what to do with.
Pike (Michael Swan) – Leader of the random heavily armed gang who kidnap several of the characters for “ransom”, despite being so weirdly incompetent their game plant makes little sense.
Talia (Rachel Hunter ) – Female member of the random heavily armed gang who sort of has a thing with Pike. Is one of the smarter members, which means she dies quick so everyone else can do dumb things
Piranhacondas (CGI) – A monster who chomps lots of people and pumps out dozens of eggs in between long hibernation cycles. Also goes in long quests for eggnapped eggs. Piranhacondas can even takes down helicopters. The origin of Kepolo, a Polynesian river devil. Like the creatures in Flying Monkeys, a mythological creature from another culture becomes a star in a Western film with a quick name change for how culture in the West would call them. There are hundreds of awesome monsters in cultural myths from around the globe, enough SyFy could make films for decades just on them alone.

piranhaconda

This happens every day on the 101-N


Continue reading →

Pleasure Spa

Posted on by
2

Pleasure Spa


2013
Written by Tim Sabo
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Sam Pepperman)

Pleasure Spa
This ain’t how you meditate!

Jim Wynorski gives us another Cinemax softcore role in the hay with Pleasure Spa! While sometimes Wynorski’s softcore films are creative (Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders), other times we get what looks to be a film scrambled together with funds leftover from other films (also known as this film!) For Pleasure Spa, the usual small budget is even tinier, and every location is at the same house, though there is the occasional effort made to try to make us think we’re somewhere else. Let’s just ignore that the front desk scenes are obviously shot in the kitchen. And police captains have offices that resemble a home office in a spare bedroom. Luckily it’s a pretty nice house, allowing for a lot of room variety, and has a pool, a waterfall feature, and a tennis court! I wonder if this was rented from the owner, or if it is a place you can pick up relatively cheap in the aftermath of the housing crash. Heck, maybe it’s Jim’s house!

As an odd feature, there is a random scene in Pleasure Spa that cranks up the creativity and hints more could be going on. But it’s not dwelt on at all, so in the end it just becomes a random aside that makes the rest of the film look even poorer. There are the classic Jim Wynorski camera angles that emphasize certain characters’ ample…gifts. We do have the familiar Wynorski music by Roobie Breastnut, including fan favorite PuSSy PuSSy BaNG BaNG (capitalization according to YouTube standards.)

Pleasure Spa
And suddenly everyone watching at home forgives the lack of budget…

But, you say, who watches these films for the plots? It’s all about the skin game. While I agree that is the case for 99% of the audience, sometimes I want a little meat with my potatoes. And though some of these softcore films have a surprising amount to say, Pleasure Spa doesn’t expand from its small boundaries. What little it does say has been said many times before by better speakers. It also keeps me from typing up eight paragraphs about how this is an allegory about the Spanish Civil War. It turns out the only advantage is the skin game. Speaking of which, let’s go to the Roll Call:

Dusty (Cynthia Lucas) – The boss of the Happy Endings spa, which is not only a massage parlor, but a massage parlor where everyone gets a happy ending. It’s called truth in advertising, people!
Shelly (Brandin Rackley) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings. A sadist at heart. Not too fond of doing desk duty.
Lucky (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings.
Cammi (Raven Alexis) – The receptionist at Happy Endings, but not adverse to putting on her work uniform and massaging clients herself. Her work uniform being no clothes.
Anita (Reena Sky) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings.
Candy Conners (Heather Vandeven) – The new girl who is hired during the course of the film. Her uncle is Mayor Carl Sloane.
Mike Mathis (Frankie Cullen) – Cop who frequents Happy Endings, and gets his partner Tommy Hall hooked on the parlor as well. This is bad, as it’s their job to bust the place! Frankie Cullen appears in this “new” film because it was filmed before he retired from these films in 2011.
Tommy Hall (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
Client Number 1 (T.J. Cummings) – Client of Happy Endings who comes pretty regularly, and doesn’t seem to understand police tape. Has no real name so I just made one up.
Captain Crane (Michael Swan) – Police captain who just wants to bust that darn Happy Endings because he hates them. Hates hates hates hates hates them!
Mayor Carl Sloane (???) – Mayor Sloane has an unusually close relationship with his niece, which seems to result from his rather liberal views on sexuality.
Pleasure Spa
It’s true, island biogeography can be applied to mountain tops, isolated valleys, even fenced off yards!

Continue reading →