Super Energetic Man (Review)


Super Energetic Man

aka 戇豆豆追女仔
Super Energetic Man
1998HKMDB Link
Written by Johnny Lee Gwing-Gaai
Directed by Dung Do Cheung Mei

I’m off-brand Popeye the Sailor Man!

A bootleg Hong Kong version of Popeye? Yep, Super Energetic Man transplants Popeye to Hong Kong cinema, brings a good portion of cartoon violence, and then goes completely nuts! Super Energetic Man plays like it’s trying to be a Stephen Chow comedy: It’s got copious copyright “borrowing”, cartoonish violence, scenes that make little sense to fill out the mo lei tau, and Lee Kin-Yan. As a Popeye film, it barely qualifies, with much of the plot running off in random directions, sometimes not even involving any of the main characters. But it just qualifies enough on the rare occasions On Do-Do whips out a can of spinach, shoots it up in the air (the spinach being played by green confetti), munches it down dramatically, inflates his arms, and does superhuman deeds.

Super Energetic Man

Oh no!


The fake Popeye is named On Do-Do (Edmond Leung Hon-Man), and he’s a humble newbie lifeguard who mysteriously often dresses in a sailor suit. His first appearance is disrupting the complicated seduction plans of Captain Lorento (Elvis Tsui Kam-Kong), who throws rats at women who are in rafts, then “saves” them from fake sharks. This overly-complicated plan fails when On Do-Do tosses a skewer into the “shark”, and earning the unwanted gratitude of hot babe Maltese, who will spend most of the film chasing after him and declaring him her boyfriend. But On Do-Do’s heart belongs to another…

On Do-Do and Princess Lychee (Gigi Lai Chi) are in love, they met on the internet. In 1997. “But ours is internet love, I can’t retreat from it,” says On Do-Do. Also they’ve never sent photos to each other, so when they do meet, it is a mystery what each one looks like. But once they do meet, sparks fly, at least until the many many times someone comes in to disrupt their union. Princess Lychee is a real princess, from Kuwite, and because of her great beauty, many men have turned heel in obsession with stealing her away to make her their bride. Hence, her Uncle Pat spends the beginning of the film battling some random soldier who professes her love and tries to kidnap her (Lychee protests that she’s never even met him!) and later Captain Lorento and Mad Dragon also try to steal her away. With all these creepy dudes stalking after her, On Do-Do becomes the best guy in the country simply because he’s the only one who let’s her choose who she wants to date. Also he helps save her from the creeps who take her agency, which often makes up for the various lovers’ quarrels.

Super Energetic Man

So say we all!


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Posted by Tars Tarkas - January 22, 2015 at 7:07 am

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When geese are away, the swans will play on Away & Back on Hallmark Channel!

Away and Back Jason Lee Minka Kelly

With this new app I can make our photo appear away and back over there… ::Cue title card::


Hallmark Channel is going to drown you in romance movies this Valentine’s Day season, and the only escape is to flee to the theater to go see 50 Shades of Grey, which is a romance movie… Hey! But if you can’t afford the money to go see 50 Shades, the Hallmark movies will have to do. You can always do your own whipping.

On that note, Away & Back is a romance movie that premieres Sunday, January 25:

When a family of swans makes their home on the Peterson farm, it’s love at first sight for 10-year-old daughter Frankie (Maggie Elizabeth Jones). But along comes no-nonsense ornithologist Ginny Newsom (Minka Kelly), who rushes in to “save” the majestic birds. For Frankie’s dad Jack (Jason Lee), it’s dislike at first sight when he encounters pushy, know-it-all Ginny. Frankie and her brothers are anything but neutral observers as they watch the initial hostility between their widowed father and the strong-willed Ginny transform into something else. Could romance be in the air?

Swans and animal conservation? A kid being the focus? Characters taking phone photos in a field? This Hallmark Hall of Fame movies has thrown in everything! Away & Back stars Jason Lee (My Name is Earl) as Jack Peterson, Minka Kelly (Turbo Charged Prelude to 2 Fast 2 Furious) as Ginny Newsom, Maggie Elizabeth Jones (We Bought a Zoo) as Frankie, Jaren Lewison (Barney: A Very Merry Christmas: The Movie) as Kyle, and Connor Paton (iZombie ) as Stretch.

Away & Back is directed by Jeff Bleckner (Beyond the Blackboard, Remember Sunday) with a screenplay by Jonah Lisa Dyer and Stephen Dyer (Hysteria)

via Hallmark/Erik Heinila

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - January 21, 2015 at 7:59 pm

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A Wish Come True blows out its candles on Hallmark Channel!

A Wish Come True Hallmark

My wish was to be in the rich people cars in Snowpiercer and it came true! Thanks, Hallmark Channel!


If I know anything, it’s that this youth-obsessed culture of ours seems to think that women over thirty are trash, and if they aren’t married by then, they are extra trash with trashy cherries on top. Hence all that dating advice about never dating a 29-year-old, because she’ll just want to get married. Luckily, as modern women are sticking their middle fingers up to this nonsense and getting married if and when they damn well please, the anxiety of turning thirty is beginning to lose a tiny bit of its power. But it is still very powerful, hence becoming the magic motivator of Hallmark Channel’s latest movie, A Wish Come True!

On the night of her 30th birthday, Lindsay Corwin, an unlucky environmentalist with a string of bad relationships, decides to make the ultimate wish: for all of her birthday wishes to come true. When her nearly three decades of wishes, including everything from losing weight to meeting Mr. Right, start magically coming true all at once, Lindsay is awestruck — until she
realizes the life and the man, she’s always wished for might not be the one she really wants.

I remember on my 30th birthday, I tried wishing in one hand, and crapping in the other. Then the police said I was making “a scene” at the Target. I never wished again…

A Wish Come True features a special appearance by Dean Cain as Dean Cain. Yes, he’s transitioned from playing characters in dozens of low-budget films into playing himself in low-budget films!

In addition to Dean Cain, A Wish Come True stars Megan Park (So Undercover) as Lindsay, Benjamin Hollingsworth (PopFan) as Dave, Anthony Lemke (American Psycho) as Reed, and Aidan Shipley (Frenemies) as Joey. Mark Rosman (the classic Disney Channel flick Life-Size) writes and directs. A Wish Come True was originally titled 30th Birthday.

A Wish Come True premieres Saturday, January 31 on Hallmark Channel. It’s part of their Countdown to Valentine’s Day event, where they play 300 hours of romantic movies including a bunch of new stuff like this.

Photo via Hallmark/Christos Kalohoridis

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 1:39 pm

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PK (Review)


PK

PK
2014
Written by Abhijat Joshi and Rajkumar Hirani
Directed by Rajkumar Hirani

PK
PK is an interesting film that deals with faith across religions in a country with more major religions than the US. It steps close to becoming a great film, but holds itself just enough back that you’ll leave wishing PK pushed just a bit more.

Aamir Khan (Dhoom: 3) plays PK, who is a visitor from another planet that arrives on Earth, nude except for a glowing amulet around his neck, which is the recall device for his ship. The first person he sees snatches the amulet and escapes, stranding PK on Earth with no way to contact home.
PK
Jaggu (Anushka Sharma) starts as a student in Europe, who bumps into a fellow student from her region named Sarfaraz (Sushant Singh Rajput). At first she’s disappointed to learn he’s Muslim and from Pakistan, but soon puts that aside and the two fall in love, over the objections of her parents. To prove them wrong, she demands Sarfaraz marry her right away, but while waiting at the chapel, she’s handed an anonymous note saying he’s not going to marry her, and Jaggu returns to India, broken hearted, but refuses to have anything to do with her parents.

Months later, Jaggu’s now a television producer for a news show, and happens to spot PK wandering around dressed like a loon and handing out flyers that are missing posters for various deities. She thinks he’d make a good story, because he’s different from everything else on TV. Eventually she catches up to him and gets his tale of learning about the different Earth religions, getting confused as to the different customs for each, and how none of them have helped him find his amulet so he can return home. Despite not believing he’s an alien, PK makes enough good points that Jaggu feels he’d still make a good story. PK has located his amulet, it now belongs to a local religious guru named Tapasvi Maharaj (Saurabh Shukla), who is passing it off as a pearl from a divine necklace. Jaggu’s parents follow Tapasvi Maharaj’s every word, and Jaggu’s effort to expose him as a fraud fuels further rifts with her father (Parikshit Sahni).
PK
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - January 20, 2015 at 8:52 pm

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Cazadores de Espías (Review)


Cazadores de Espías

aka Spy Hunter
Cazadores de Espías
1969
Story by Adolfo Torres Portillo
Screenplay by Rafael Baledón
Directed by Rafael Baledón

Still more exciting than whenever Mantaur wrestled!

In 1969, Mexico had noticed the whole secret agents thing has gotten a little ridiculous and thus ripe for parody. Enter Cazadores de Espías, a comedic film filled with secret agents, double crosses, identical twins, a carnivorous plant, a masked villain, a seductive villainess, a luchador, a mad scientist, and even a robot. There is plenty of goofy action across the board, lending Cazadores de Espías the power to potentially be something bigger than it is. Unfortunately, there is no subtitled version at all, and the first half of the film leans heavily on verbal jokes, leaving people like me to be forced to lean on their rusty Spanish. At TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles, but they probably would have come in handy here! Despite the lack of clear understanding of a few plot points, the general gist was easy to get, and no one needs subtitles when a robot is running around! Cazadores de Espías is fun, but thanks to the language veil it isn’t as fun as it should have been.
Cazadores de Espías
Cazadores de Espías was filmed around the same time as Muñecas Peligrosas and Con Licencia Para Matar, which is pretty obvious. It features familiar sets and cast members, and all are directed by Rafael Baledón (though this time the original story is by Adolfo Torres Portillo). The sets usually used at the villain’s lair is now a hotel, a control room is now a villain lair, and the familiar nightclub returns, though there is now a big wrestling ring in part of it. The goons of the mysterious Mr. X were big X’s on their uniforms (instead of G’s or K’s!) Mexican villains are all sponsored by the same letters that sponsor Sesame Street!

As the film is rather obscure, please enjoy the longer film synopsis review. But as the film is hard to follow at parts, please forgive any errors that creep in due to confusion or language barriers. As usual, I blame those nefarious Spider Gnomes of Jupiter, who cause me no end of troubles. I will defeat you one day, Spider Gnomes of Jupiter! Fans of random Mexican song interludes will enjoy the performances by Los Rockyn Devil’s, The Shadow of the Beast, Manolo Muñoz, Rubin “Penjamo” Mendez, and Jose Antonio Zevala. Non-fans will find a convenient time to go to the bathroom. Now on with the show!
Cazadores de Espías

Ricardo (Carlos East) – Ricardo’s twin brother Ramiro is murdered right in front of him, and Ricardo goes on a quest for revenge, which puts him in the middle of two rival criminal espionage groups and some innocent people. Part of his cover is disguising as the luchador Rayo De Oro, because that’s how you go undercover in Mexico, dress as a flamboyant wrestler.
Chelelo Ochoa (Eleazar García “Chelelo”) – A relative of the dead Mr. X who inherits part of the property that becomes the center of espionage conflicts. Wants to promote wrestling matches for money. At one point has to disguise himself as Rayo De Oro when Ricardo goes missing. Is either Leonor’s husband or distant cousin with the same last name (I was unable to figure this out). Eleazar García has a nickname, so we know from experience to prepare for comedic pain. Though, really, Chelelo isn’t that unfunny. He might be the most entertaining nicknamed Mexican comedian I’ve seen in a film. And I’ve seen quite a few! So many nicknamed Mexican comedians…
Leonorilda “Leonor” Ochoa (Leonorilda Ochoa) – Leonor is one of the not really deceased Mr. X’s long lost relatives who gain ownership of a property he controls, thus everyone tries to kill her and Chelelo. They keep failing at it. She wants to turn the property into a gogo dancing hall. Leonorilda Ochoa also appears in Muñecas Peligrosas and Con Licencia Para Matar.
Sylvana (Maura Monti) - Leader of a villainous faction that is trying to gain possession of the property everyone wants. Owns a Carnivorous Plant and a bunch of goons. Maura Monti also appears in Muñecas Peligrosas, Con Licencia Para Matar, La Mujer Murciélago, S.O.S. Conspiracion Bikini, El Planeta de las Mujeres Invasoras, and Santo Contra la Invasion de los Marcianos.
Mr. X (Héctor Andremar) – The mysterious Mr. X is very mysterious. Most mysterious of all is his plan, which makes no real sense. Hides out under the property in question all day and gives his men branded uniforms. He also has a twin brother, but he kills him to fake his own death. I’m pretty sure this is Héctor Andremar.
Carnivorous Plant (itself) – A very hungry plant that is eager to eat anything and anyone it can get its vines on! Used by Sylvana to threaten her enemies.
Robot (???) – A remote controlled robot that looks like a modified diving suit with a stove grill in the front of it. Controlled by the Mad Scientist Guy using a remote in his cane. Uses it to kill the enemies of his group, and also as a wrestling opponent in a bid to kill off Ricardo.
Mad Scientist Guy (???) – One of Sylvana’s goons who controls the Robot that kills people and wrestles. Takes great joy in seeing his creating destroy the living both inside and outside the ring. Forgot to use circuit breakers, proving he really is mad. Meets a shocking end. I am not sure who played him.

Cazadores de Espías
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Posted by Tars Tarkas - January 15, 2015 at 8:45 am

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Star Wars Expanded Universe craziness!

As we all know, the Star Wars sequels and spinoffs are coming along nicely, despite the sets attacking the actors. Is it a curse? Or has the Expanded Universe that will be discarded almost entirely by the new films taken mortal form and is now enacting desperate measures to try to stay alive? Certainly, that would be less dumb than actual things from the Star Wars Expanded Universe, which we will highlight below because laughing at dumb things is fun!

These are actual Star Wars Expanded Universe Canon things. Luckily, Star Wars EU has such a broad and multi-tiered definition of canon that almost everything is some sort of canon, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff or the stuff that has been declared not canon. So it’s time we looks at some of the goofy junk that may or may not be 100% real canon, before it is discarded in favor of long arguments about light sabers with fancy hilts. So this is like a retrospective, a fond farewell if you will. Except not really that fond for a few of these entries, because…well, you’ll see!

Before we begin, I will note that I’m not even going to touch the Wookieepedia articles on Breast, Brassiere, and Underwear, because they are their own jokes and anything I add will never compare to the actual articles. I’m also avoid the Star Wars Holiday Special, as it’s too obvious a target. But let’s get to the stuff that is from official Star Wars productions/merchandise, as that’s where the real money’s made…I mean, the real crazy canon stuff is!

Irek Ismaren Lord Nyax

You don’t want to know how I pee!



Irek Ismaren/Lord Nyax


If Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor was in the Star Wars universe, he’d be all “More power!” and grunt a lot before falling down the Death Star reactor well and blowing up the space station. But before he died (and thus saved the galaxy), he would first add a bunch of lightsabers to some random guy to make him more cool.

Irek Ismaren is said guy. He was he one of the Emperor’s concubines’ kids (which means we now have to visualize the Emperor having sex!), and they pumped him full of growth hormones until he was 9 feet tall, then installed lightsabers in his elbows, forearms, wrists, and knees. That’s eight lightsabers, for those of you keeping track at home! Not only that, but he got stabbed in the head, so his brain was replaced with a computer. Then he was put in stasis until he woke up years later with amnesia, killed him mom, is told he’s some Force ghost named Lord Nyax, and was ultimately hunted down and killed by Luke and some of his new jedis. At least until some idiot writes a book where he survived or has him pop up in the new canon books.

Irek Ismaren is dumb as heck, and also 90s as heck, with a bunch of weapons poking out of him in all directions and an effort to make him all cool as Wolverine. Instead, he just looks ridiculous and embarrassing. Good riddance to this jerk!

robot leia trioculus shot

Robot Leia resolves this embarrassing chapter of the EU permanently

Trioculus

The Emperor had a kid (ANOTHER kid? Learn to wrap your wiener, Palpatine!), and he has three eyes. This story is so ridiculous you will roll all three of your eyes, but having three eyes is the most normal part of Trioculus’ tale. First of all, Trioculus was later retconned to not be Emperor Palpatine’s three-eyed son. Not because a three-eyed son of the Emperor is stupid, but because Trioculus is a pretender to being the Emperor’s three-eyed son, the real three-eyed son is a completely different character named Triclops. (Not to be confused with Tri-Klops from He-Man.) Trioculus began an obsessive quest for Darth Vader’s glove, which somehow would give him the leverage needed to prove that he should be the new Emperor. He had a rivalry with Jedi Prince Ken (yes, Ken), who turned out to be Triclops’ son with a Jedi Princess. Trioculus teamed up with Jabba’s father, Zorba the Hutt, which ended with Trioculus frozen in carbonite. Later freed, he hatched a complicated scheme to marry Princess Leia, but was foiled when Leia was replaced by a robot Leia, who promptly shot him in the chest with her robot eyebeams. The fact everything I just wrote is incredibly stupid, yet parts of it sound like various Episode 7 rumors, means Trioculus must die!

Here Trioculus prepares to kill some space whales, along with Captain Ahab, who is also somehow in the universe of Star Wars:

The Star Trek 4 Remake took a tragic twist...

Gyaos Vader

I hate turtles, and I hate Jedi!

Gyaos Vader

Gamera is friend to all children, but his long-time foe Gyaos is a jerk to all children, and everyone else. Even space kids like Luke Skywalker, who Gyaos Vader fought long ago. Gyaos Vader was a powerful shapeshifter who had a thing for not liking Jedi, as evidenced by him kidnapping Obi-Wan Kenobi and holding him hostage on Kessel, until Luke Skywalker arrived and quickly killed Gyaos Vader dead.

These events happened in the Japanese Star Wars video game that was released in 1987. Not only is there Gyaos Vader, but there are three other fake monster Vaders: Clados Vader, Sasori Vader, and Wampa Vader!

Clados Vader was a pink shark that could shapeshift into Darth Vader, thus he stole C-3PO away to his water planet of Iskalon, because that’s what pink shapeshifting sharks do, apparently. Luke kills him, presumably while holding his breath, as those devices the Jedi use in Episode 1 hadn’t been invented yet.

At the same time a giant scorpion named Sasori Vader commandeered a sandcrawler, took the Jawa crew captive (as well as the previously captured R2-D2), and morphed into the form of Darth Vader in order to trap a young Luke Skywalker. Luke Skywalker killed him dead. Weird how Luke is going on a killing spree in this video game…

Wampa Vader was a shapeshifting Wampa who could also turn into Darth Vader. Thus, he stole Chewbacca and took him back to Hoth, at which point Luke had to go rescue him and murder Wampa Vader. Why Han Solo couldn’t go rescue Chewbacca I do not know, maybe he broke his leg or something. Or maybe he caught a horrible disease from Itchy, who looks like he has every parasite in the galaxy…

These video game bosses are sort of cheating, because even Wookipedia tries to dismiss them. But they fit right in with S-canon, which stands for Secondary Canon even though it should stand for Silly Canon. Let’s shoot this canon out of a cannon!

Sasori Vader

Luke, it is my nature!

Figrin D'an Modal Nodes Jizz

The wailing-est jizz that ever jizzed!

Jizz

Stop laughing! Get your filthy mind out of the gutter, because Jizz isn’t what you think it is. Jizz is a type of music, the music that Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes were playing when Luke and Ben walked into the Cantina on Tatooine. Jizz instruments include the jizz, jizz-box, kloo horn, slitherhorn, ploong sounder, and peel rod. Why are you laughing again? You need to learn to respect jizz, people! Someone who plays jizz is referred to as a jizz-wailer. STOP LAUGHING! Oh, I give up. Let’s just flush Jizz down the toilet of Star Wars history!



Unidentified Alien (Desert Cave)


One thing I enjoy is arguing about on the internet is the canon of things that appear in commercials. Thus when Star Wars or Star Trek have aliens that pop up only in commercials, it’s time to start nerding out on which one is real and which one was just a dream. Thus, this guy, called Unidentified alien (desert cave) by Wookieepedia, gains special recognition because is he a Star Wars alien! Unidentified alien (desert cave) is actually an unused Mos Eisley Cantina alien design by Ron Cobb. The sketch appears in a 1998 calender and a few of the behind the scenes books, but beyond that there is no real information on if the costume was built for the movie and not used, or if it was made just for the commercial based on the unused drawing (which seems like a big expense!)

Unidentified alien (desert cave) eats the Star Wars cereal called C3POs, which was a real thing and I ate it as a kid (and I recall not liking it) Actually, refugees C-3PO and R2-D2 bribe Unidentified alien (desert cave) with C3POs to let them hide out in his cave while the Imperial Fleet bombards the planet. That’s actually very disturbing, untold thousands of people may have been killed in this childrens’ cereal commercial. But at least our heroes R2-D2 and C-3PO were saved thanks to the latter’s brilliant idea to glue Cheerios together. Hooray?

In any event, let’s flush C3POs down the toilet and into the sewer where they belong! Sorry, Unidentified alien (desert cave), you were just an innocent bystander, enjoy rebuilding the ruins of your civilization, and I hope the Imperial Stormtroopers didn’t stop by later to burn your cave down!

For some more commercial fun, check out this Star Wars Smoking PSA

Lothar the Grouch

Grouches were grumpy long before that darn cat!



Sesame Street is in Star Wars Canon


Everyone knows that C-3PO, Luke, R2-D2, and Chewbacca popped up on The Muppet Show, but did you know that Star Wars characters also ran around on Sesame Street? R2-D2 and C-3PO made two appearances on the show. In one, they delivered a message to Oscar the Grouch from a Grouch in space, Lothar. In the other, R2-D2 fell in love with a fire hydrant. Lothar was from the seventh moon of Zircon, and his message “Oscar the Grouch, get lost!” Oscar commented “What do you know? There is intelligent life in outer space.” There is another Grouch from space who also lives on the seventh moon of Zircon, Othmar the Grouch.

Luckily, even if Star Wars tries to erase the Grouches from history, the Sesame Street canon has not rebooted, so they will still exist! Take that, Disney!


The Fighting Trio of Colonel Sanders, Taco Bell Dog, and Pizza Hut Delivery Girl

Remember when Colonel Sanders took up a light saber to defend the galaxy against intergalactic terror? Well, that happened, and he was joined by the Taco Bell Chihuahua, and a random Pizza Hut Delivery Girl who I don’t think got a name. This was also the closest we ever got to Spaceballs‘s Pizza the Hutt joke becoming realized in the EU. The Defeat the Dark Side promotion came out in 1999, just in time to watch the three fast food mascots run around on Naboo and save the galaxy. In case you are wondering, the official website had biographies for the three characters, which Wookieepedia has expanded into official canon biographies:

Colonel Sanders Star Wars

Who wants to die…Extra Crispy?!

At age 65, armed with nothing more than determination, a bucket of chicken and a secret recipe, Colonel Harland Sanders started KFC and had the whole universe lickin’ its fingers a few years later. His reputation as a force to be reckoned with makes him a natural when it comes to showing the Dark Side who’s boss. Any Battle Droid messing with the Colonel had better watch out, because this time, he’s serving up a bucket full of pain.

Taco Bell Chihuahua Star Wars

I’ve fought Godzilla and the Empire for your taste buds!

A true dog of the people, the Chihuahua has tirelessly devoted his life to one thing – the pursuit of tacos. This kind of dedication has allowed him to heighten his natural skills of navigation, negotiation and general deviousness. Now he is putting his considerable talents to work fighting the ultimate evil in the universe. Because, he rationalizes, when the universe is free, the tacos are free. In the meantime, he’s confident he’ll get that Jedi mind trick to work eventually.

Pizza Hutt Girl Star Wars

Despite my awesome resume, I don’t get a name besides Pizza Hutt Girl!

Before joining the Pizza Hut® force, this fighter for all that is covered with cheese and tomato sauce put in stints for Micro-Tech, inc. (as a hacker-er, hardware tester) and for 2-Rock Concert Promotions (“crowd control.”) She was schooled around the world, including stints in Hong Kong and Tunisia, before becoming the youngest female graduate from the Citadel.

Finally, at the ripe age of 23, she discovered her true calling – a position where her love for pizza and mastery of Tae Kwon Do collide. Now she’s out to share a little of her immense knowledge on the Dark Side. And if they don’t back off, a couple Sith Lords are gonna get a home delivery of suffering with extra agony.

Luckily, the series of commercials live on in blurry VHS form on YouTube, and also in our hearts…. I for one will be sad to see these characters wiped off the map when the universe is reset, at least until Disney teams up with fast food companies again! As a note, despite Pizza Hutt Girl not getting a name, she appears to have one in the storyboards – Alexis McCoy! Perhaps she’s related to Dr. Leonard McCoy, thus connecting the two universes!


The Energizer Bunny defeats Darth Vader


Yes, Darth Vader was defeated by a tiny bunny that just plays the drums. How did this guy rate Natalie Portman again? Or even become a galactic threat and be the Chosen One? In any event, the Energizer Bunny created a disturbance in the Force by having such a cool battery, and the Emperor ordered Vader to track him down. The two dueled at Cloud City, only for Vader to be foiled when his lightsaber ran out of power, because he was using rival Supervolt batteries! (Supervolt was a fake competitor used in Energizer’s promotional campaigns at the time). The Energizer Bunny would reappear in the Star Tours ride, establishing him in multiple canon branches.

Jaxxon rocks!

Hey, if Rocket Racoon can work, why not Jaxxon???

Jaxxon

There is one other rabbit running around in the Star Wars EU — Jaxxon! I’m sort of cheating here because Jaxxon is actually awesome, but I need to include him because if I don’t, someone will comment below that I forgot Jaxxon. Well, here he is, so comment below about which characters I forgot who aren’t Jaxxon! Jaxxon is a character from the Marvel comics, he’s a giant green bunny rabbit called a Lepi who acts like Space Bugs Bunny (at one point he’s captured by bounty hunters Dafi and Remel Fud). I think he rules, and not just because I had the comics as a kid. Okay, having the comics as a kid probably helped, but still. He rules. Jaxxon was a loudmouth fighter who kicked the crap out of people who disrespected him because he looked by a bunny. He rockets around the galaxy doing heroic stuff and being a cool friend and shooting guns from both hands. Between Jaxxon, Jazz Jackrabbit, and Bucky O’Hare, we are batting 1000 on awesome green bunny heroes. Jaxxon better show up in the new movies, or I’ll just have to become an established director and get assigned to one of the new spinoffs and then put him in myself!

Bonus entry!:

The death of General Crix Madine

You might remember Crix Madine from Return of the Jedi blathering on about the stolen Imperial shuttle, and also some deleted scenes, but did you know he died because some Hutt dude shot him? And when Crix Madine died, he was like “Oh, really? I die like this? What stupid author thought this up?” I agree! RIP General Madine, you’ll be alive again when history gets erased.

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - January 13, 2015 at 7:17 am

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