To Catch a Yeti – New RiffTrax VOD!

There are some things you just can’t unsee. And Meat Loaf and a animatronic baby yeti hanging out is one of those things. Forget wondering who greenlighted this, because all you should be wondering is how quickly you can get away before your eyes spontaneously explode and then you get put on a terrorist watch list despite the fact you now have no eyes and can’t even watch lists. But at least you won’t be able to watch Meat Loaf and a mechanical yeti.

However, if you are one of the few brave souls who have built up a resistance to eye-explodingly bad movies and mechanical bigfeet and bigmeat palling around, then you should watch the new RiffTrax VOD To Catch a Yeti, but only with the powers of Mike, Kevin, and Bill backing you up. The rest of you, run like a bat out of hell, and also something something do anything for love, but I won’t do that something something.

Buy To Catch a Yeti today on!

To Catch a Yeti. To live a dream. To Meat a Loaf. Some things just seem too good to be true. Meat Loaf, in a movie about a bigfoot? But Meat Loaf isn’t playing the bigfoot? Might seem disappointing, until you find out Meat is instead playing the world’s greatest hunter, Big Jake Grizzly, and his prey is a yeti that’s 2 feet tall and makes the puppetry in Mac & Me look like high art. Even calling the yeti a puppet is really an exaggeration, since basically all it can do is sit still and whimper and blink. But that doesn’t stop it from doing some rad skateboard moves1, because hey, it’s the 90s!!! (1radical skateboard moves = someone dropped this stuffed animal disaster on a board and kicked it down a hill)

Against all notions of reason and good taste, a little girl is charmed by the creature and makes him her friend. But there’s also an evil little rich boy (who somehow manages to be even more detestable than the yeti and ‘Loaf COMBINED) who wants the hideous goggle-eyed creature for himself. It all leads to a thrilling hijinks-filled showdown in New York City…or at least, the best fake approximation of New York City to be found in a production so Canadian your screen will ooze maple syrup.

Maple syrup, Meat Loaf, a horrific puppet, and more things you’ll never want to eat again after To Catch a Yeti!

To Catch a Yeti RiffTrax

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - May 1, 2015 at 11:35 pm

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Murder She Baked brings the cookies to Hallmark Movies & Mysteries!

Murder she baked hallmark

Forget the murder mystery, there’s a cat in this movie! YES! Must-watch TV!

Murder She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Murder Mystery is the latest of the various Hallmark Movies & Mysteries series the network optioned and has now reached the small screen to delight us all with bakery-themed death and investigations. It’s the first of the book series written by Hannah Swensen.

Not only that, but there are even recipes from the movie on the Hallmark website, so you can bake while you watch to enhance your movie pleasure. Or rage about how your own cookies are better, like my cookies are.

Murder She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Murder Mystery stars Alison Sweeney, Cameron Mathison, Lisa Durupt, Toby Levins, Juliana Wimbles, and Barbara Niven. It is directed by Mark Jean (The Nine Lives of Christmas) and written by Donald Martin (Carnal Innocence).

This freshly baked new murder mystery introduces Hannah Swensen (Sweeney), a creative and bubbly baker extraordinaire in a sleepy town in Minnesota, where everyone knows each other and secrets don’t stay hidden for long. Hannah’s bakeshop, the Cookie Jar, is where much of the town’s gossip percolates along with the strong coffee. But after she finds her good friend and delivery driver shot dead in the alley behind her shop, Hannah’s idyllic world is turned upside down. Her brother-in-law and county deputy sheriff recruits Hannah to help him chase down the culprit, but newly appointed Detective Mike Kingston (Mathison) has other ideas on how to investigate. As Hannah gets close to the handsome detective, she also meets the town’s new resident dentist at the prodding of her matchmaking mother Delores (Niven), and is suddenly caught in an unexpected romantic mystery of her own. Then, as a surprising number of suspects emerge, and motives ranging from blackmail to extortion abound, Hannah is strategically placed in the investigation to hear all as she jumps in as detective. Packed with plot twists and red herrings, romantic entanglements and family shenanigans, this lighthearted Hannah Swensen crime solver will please the palate of any mystery fan.

“Murder She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Murder Mystery,” is a Brad Krevoy Television and Stephanie Germain Productions Production. Brad Krevoy, Stephanie Germain and Eric Jarboe are the executive producers. Mark Jean directs from a script written by Nancey Silvers. “Murder She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Murder Mystery,” is based on Joanne Fluke’s book Chocolate Chip Cookie Murder.

Murder She Baked: A Chocolate Chip Cookie Murder Mystery premieres Sunday, May 2 on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries! Hopefully the cat gets a lot of screen time.

Photo via Hallmark Press/Bettina Strauss

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 10:36 pm

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Lifetime drives into Stockholm, Pennsylvania!

Stockholm Pennsylvania Lifetime

You can’t seriously let it end with Sex and the City 2, right? That one was TERRIBLE!! You got to complete the trilogy!

A kidnapped girl is rescued as an adult and must readjust to the life she knew before, that is only a distant memory. She’s so used to the sheltered and abusive life of her captivity that being normal seems strange and alien. Stockholm, Pennsylvania deals with emotional trauma after the events of an abduction situation, something we barely see in films. The only one I can even recall is I Know My First Name Is Steven, where Corin Nemec played the adult Steven’s spiral into alcohol abuse and suicidal behavior. Stockholm, Pennsylvania promises a strong look into the rarely mentioned issues that affects those that survive horrific events.
Stockholm, Pennsylvania is written and directed by Nikole Beckwith (her first feature). It stars Saoirse Ronan, Cynthia Nixon, Jason Isaacs, David Warshofsky, and Rosalind Chao.

Lifetime is set to premiere the film “Stockholm, Pennsylvania” on Saturday, May 2, at 8pm ET/PT. Starring Academy Award and Golden Globe nominee Saoirse Ronan (“Atonement”), Golden Globe nominee and Emmy Award winner Cynthia Nixon (“Sex and the City”), Golden Globe nominee Jason Isaacs (“Harry Potter,” “The State Within”) and David Warshofsky (“The Mentalist”), the original movie centers on a young woman, kidnapped as a child, who struggles to readjust to life after being returned home.

Abducted 17 years ago, Leia (Ronan) is miraculously found and returned home to her parents Marcy (Nixon) and Glen Dargon (Warshofsky). Having long forgotten her family, after being raised by her captor Benjamin McKay (Isaacs), Leia finds herself unable to connect to those who love her the most. Instead, she yearns for Ben, the only father figure she’s ever known, and the safety of the basement she called home most of her life. Marcy resorts to desperate measures to forge a relationship with Leia, allowing her marriage to unravel as a byproduct. With Marcy’s increasingly erratic actions echoing those of Ben, Leia is left questioning what it really means to be loved.

Produced by Fido Features in association with Olympus Pictures, “Stockholm, Pennsylvania” is written and directed by Nikole Beck with (“Three Generations,” “Big Beach”). Marking Beckwith’s directorial debut, the film is produced by Greg Ammon (“59 Middle Lane”), Dan Halsted (“Virgin Suicides”) and Leslie Urdang (“Rabbit Hole”).

Stockholm, Pennsylvania premieres May 9th on Lifetime!

Photo via Aaron Epstein/Lifetime

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 7:35 pm

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Pale Flower (Review)

Pale Flower

aka 乾いた花 aka Kawaita Hana
Pale Flower 乾いた花
Written by Masaru Baba and Masahiro Shinoda
Based on the book by Shintaro Ishihara
Directed by Masahiro Shinoda

Pale Flower 乾いた花
Pale Flower starts out slow and continues the leisurely pace, building up the complex web of characters and simmering gang drama. Muraki (Ryo Ikebe) is newly released from prison, after serving a few years for killing a rival gang member. By now the gangs are in a loose confederation as a third power has become a threat to both. The two former rival leaders spend part of their time arguing like old bickering lovers. Muraki is brought back into the swing of things, but kept out of any heavy action because of his recent release status. The reacquaintance with underworld activities results in one exciting point, a striking young woman (Mariko Kaga) who shows up at one of the local gambling houses, bets big, seems bored, and speaks to no one. Muraki manages to attract a scrap of attention from her when he matches one of her large bets.

After a few weeks of gambling together in silence, Muraki scores a conversation with her. She goes by Saeko, and the small time bets no longer excite her. Muraki says he can get her bigger action, he just needs to ask around for where the games are played now. They agree to meet up later in the week, and a partnership is born. Saeko is a thrill-seeker, zipping around in her sports car, betting big. She senses the danger in Muraki and it attracts her, but not in a sexual lust way. Simply being around him is enough. One look at Saeko answers all questions of why any guy would hang with her.
Pale Flower 乾いた花 Mariko Kaga
The increasing bets and Saeko’s danger chasing mirror the increasing threats from the real world. A cryptic guard at one of the games Muraki pegs for a maniac, and soon Muraki is being talked down dark alleys by a hidden killer. The upstart gang kills an important gang figure, and there must be a response of killing their leader. Muraki volunteers, his stretch of freedom growing sour at the same time his relationship with Saeko seems to be going south. But she reunites with him as he prepares to go off to do his job, seeing someone be murdered is a thrill she hasn’t experienced yet.

Muraki is a low-key gangster who seems bored with life in general and justifies his killing by talking down on mankind as a whole. His relationship with Saeko isn’t overtly sexual, but is two people at a similar point in life that come together because they click, and tension boils beneath the surface. Muraki has a woman who waited for him while he was away, she sleeps in the clock shop her family owns, the scenes there punctuated by the ticking of hundreds of clocks, a reminder of the limited length of life. She can’t stay away from Muraki even though he’s no good, and follows him, observing his relationship with Saeko.
Pale Flower 乾いた花
Read more…

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 29, 2015 at 7:05 am

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Radical Jack – New RiffTrax VOD!

There are times when movies were born to be riffed, and a Billy Ray Cyrus version of Road House IS such a movie! Radical Jack is it’s name, and it is decidedly NOT radical, unless you mean radical like in math where you try to find the square root of a variable and it’s totally weird and you can’t help your kid with homework any more and then your kids stop listening to you and take up smoking and going to rainbow parties. All because you suck at math. Is that radical? Well, it happened to Billy Ray Cyrus, and soon it will happen to YOU! Unless you fight back, by getting the riffed version of Radical Jack at! Be the one who becomes the radical radical! Then you will truly be badical.

“We should rip off Road House and Billy Ray Cyrus should play Dalton!”

There are two types of people in this world: those who read the above sentence and immediately lapsed into fits of hysterical, table-pounding, pants-wetting laughter. And then the other .00001% of people, who thought “Sounds good to me! Is Michelle Pfeiffer’s sister available to play the love interest?”

We have that .00001% to thank for Radical Jack. Eight long years after “Achy Breaky Heart” came out, and approximately 7 years, 364 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 34 seconds after the first jukebox playing “Achy Breaky Heart” was smashed with a pool cue, American cinemas got the movie they needed. Except, minor detail, it was actually released direct to video in Russia.

Which makes a lot of sense once you see Radical Jack. Fans of Road House will recognize the key points: a loner with a mysterious past comes to town and finds employment at a local dive bar. A local arms dealer has grown rich running the town, despite the fact that its population appears to hover around 35 people. Occasionally Billy Ray takes breaks from doing construction to pour water all over himself in slow motion while seductive music plays1. The only thing missing is the Monster Truck. Once you see the budget on this thing, you’ll understand why they had to leave it out.

And Radical Jack doesn’t just rip off one of our all time favorite RiffTrax titles! Shot in Rutland, VT, it features the very time machine from Time Chasers itself!! (AKA, a crappy, weathered small airplane.) Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Radical Jack. Just don’t tell their lips, their fingertips, or various other body parts.

1 This never actually happened in the version of Road House that was shown in theaters, but it does in the one that airs on a loop in our hearts.

Radical Jack RiffTrax

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 28, 2015 at 10:12 pm

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Cookie Monster is The Hulk in The Aveggies!

The Avengers– excuse me, the Aveggies are vegetable maniacs as they battle the dastardly Bon Bon, who attempts to ruin the world’s supply of healthy food because he’s in deep with Big Sugar or something.

A super villain was prepared to destroy all the healthy foods in the world, until one hero, actually, several heroes stuck together to save the world’s vegetables! Together, Dr. Brownie, Onion Man, Captain Americauliflower, Black Bean Widow, Mighty Corn, and Zuchin-eye are…The Aveggies!

All your favorite Avengers from the first film are represented! Can Dr. Brownie – aka Cookie Monster – focus on the problem at hand long enough to turn into a giant green monster and eat the spaceship cookie sent by the nefarious Bon Bon? As the gif shows, yes, but it doesn’t come without some hard work trying to focus. And also some hilarious slams on Hawkeye. Captain Americauliflower gets his shield chomped, and Mighty Corn has his hammer devoured. It’s a sad day for miraculous weapons but a great day for people who like watching food-based weapons get eaten. And don’t worry, they throw in a shawarma joke.

It’s important that kids learn to focus on things in this ADHD world of constant interruptions, and using the visually busy framework of a Hollywood blockbuster to deliver that message is some grade A subversion. But it’s all about Cookie Monster getting his chomp on!

“Me always hungry” — Dr. Brownie

Check out Sesame Street‘s Avengers: Age of Bon Bon below!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 8:04 pm

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