Tars Tarkas.NET

A Little Bit of Heaven

2011
Directed by Nicole Kassell

There have been a few tries to put cancer in comedies in the past couple of years, most of which have had mixed-to-bad results, because cancer isn’t really that funny. So of course the next step is a weepy romantic comedy about dealing with cancer and finding love! Even weirder, it’s pretty much marketed as a romantic comedy even though is blurs more over into the drama category. But, despite the fact it’s getting awful awful reviews, A Little Bit of Heaven isn’t awful (or even awful awful), it’s far more complicated than that…

Marley Corbett is a carefree woman who seems like she has it all going on. She’s a young hip girl in the city, just scoring a big promotion and living life and partying. Working hard and playing hard. All that cliched jazz. Her biggest worry and biggest love is her pet bulldog, while men are nothing but a list of bootycalls. She has a whole cadre of friends who join her on her adventures.

But things aren’t going all that great in Marley’s life, unexplained loss of weight, bloody stools…something bad is on the horizon. After a visit to the very handsome Dr. Julian Goldstein, she’s diagnosed with advanced colon cancer. Of course, Marley is too busy having fun to take any of this seriously. She shocks her friends with her announcement done in a flippant way, unaware or uncaring about the shock she put them through. Her attitude begins to have some cracks after a colonoscopy shows things are worse than they thought and the only hope in an experimental procedure that might work or might not. It’s also during this colonoscopy that she has her first vision of the afterlife…

Read more…

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - May 4, 2012 at 3:10 pm

Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Alan Dale, Gael García Bernal, Kate Hudson, Kathy Bates, Lucy Punch, Peter Dinklage, Rosemarie DeWitt, Steven Weber, Tars sells out!, Treat Williams, Whoopi Goldberg

Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot

2011
Written and directed by William Burke

I must go, but you can always catch my lone movie role in Robot Monster!

Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot gives us what we want – Bigfoot running around a nudist camp! Also we got UFOs, crazy dudes, the Loch Ness Monster, and goofy fun. It all rolls up into a Sasquatchtacular adventure and some fun late night viewing.

The overall plot is fun and quick paced, there never seems to be a point where things drag out, which can be a problem with some of the softcore films. The actors are all energetic, and most put on a naturalistic approach to acting, feeling like real friends that you are hanging out with rather than characters. Albina Nahar is the standout actress who almost steals the show, she’s having a lot of fun. But everyone does their jobs very well, the chemistry is great, even the chemistry of everyone hating Dirk! The Sasquatch costume is well built, though it looks a tad familiar. There are a few technical problems, some of the outdoor scenes are a bit overexposed. There is also an editing problem, where there are a few shots that seem to be focusing on an item (for either a joke or an emotional punch) but we either don’t get a clear view of the item or a shot of it wasn’t edited in in post. A notable examples is the floating tarot card of The Lovers at the end of Veruca and Flower’s sex scene, the card is not seen clearly and I only recognize it because I’ve seen a copy of the tarot deck they are using. This actually made me sad, because that stuff made the scenes more creative. William Burke obviously had fun setting up the many many many many weird positions for some of the sex scenes, and several other examples of having fun with sex scenes (i.e. the speed up sequence that explains why Mike is tired) show care was taken in every part of the film.

Prudence and Veruca watch the funniest episode of 2 Broke Girls ever!

Let’s talk about Bigfoot! Longtime readers will probably not be surprised to know this is not the first film I’ve seen with Bigfoot sexing up a girl and with Bigfoot raping a dude. I’ve even seen Ape Canyon in a theater with the director there! There is a whole subgenre of films with Bigfoot sexing up women or raping them, and let’s not even get into the books/fan fiction. Just look up Sasquatchploitation for more info than you ever want to know. Another common Bigfoot trope is UFOs, both in films and in real life Bigfoot sightings. It’s just cooler to say you saw Bigfoot and UFOs instead of just one.

Where did you find a waiter in the middle of the swamp??

The Sasquatch in Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot is not mean spirited or Bigfoot being overly perverted, he just seems to get aroused when the women are already running around naked for various reasons, though he’s perfectly willing to do the deed when offered (or not offered!) The opening credits take form of comic book cover and panels by Aaron Lane and help give us the feel that the whole thing is too pulpy to take serious. And will we see a whole series of Sweet Prudence dealing with erotic paranormal encounters? Maybe we will, if you buy enough DVDs/watch it on Cinemax/Maxgo!

Hey, that UFO has a “Mystery Spot” bumper sticker!

	Prudence (Angie Bates) – Former cryptozoology major looking to regain her reputation and degree by capturing photos of Bigfoot. Innocent and sweet, incapable of lying, and incapable of lying in wait without pleasuring herself. Best friends with her roommate Veruca.
	Veruca (Albina Hussain as Albina Nahar) – An erotic blogwriter under the pen name Salimae, Veruca is more interesting in looking for thrills instead of looking for Bigfoot. But she supports her friend Prudence and dreams of lumberjacks to help spice up her writing. Instead, she finds commune girls, but that’s just as good or even better…
	Flower (Heather O’Donnell) – A hippie tarot zen master guru in charge of the local naturalist retreat where Bigfoot has been spotted recently. A big believer in visualizing good thoughts and manifesting them into reality.
	Mike (Michael Slade) – Prudence’s friend and schoolmate who was unjustly dragged into the loss of his degree due to her shenanigans. Helps her track down Bigfoot thanks to some convincing, and finds love while doing so.
	Ginger (Lynzey Patterson) – Freespirit worker at the naturist retreat who is the first to spot Bigfoot. Is practically insatiable.
	Dr. Dirk (Luke Gallo) – A Bigfoot hunter who also came to the resort in secret. Is abrasive, loud, obnoxious, foulmouthed, and seems totally out of place from the rest of the cast and their granola free love attitudes.
	The Creature (Daniel Moshe Johnson) – He’s Big! He’s got a foot! Okay, he’s got TWO feet! It’s Bigfoot, and he’s trapped on Earth and naked women are everywhere! What’s an ape to do?

Nothing can go wrong with this plan!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 28, 2012 at 10:21 pm

Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: Albina Nahar, Angie Bates, Bianca Gross, Cornelius Betts, Daniel Moshe Johnson, Heather O'Donnell, Lesbians, Lynzey Patterson, mad monkey time, Michael Slade, Sasquatchploitation, Sofia Stefou, softcore, William Burke

Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros

2010
Written and Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Hey! Zip it while I’m translating ancient ruins, buddy!

We’re back in black and back in bikinis for yet another entry in the ever-growing Fred Olen Ray Bikini Movie Madness! This time, the world of Indiana Jones gets bikinied a Bikini Jones! Join that ever-sexy science field of archeology as Bikini Jones seduces her hands onto the Idol so she can unlock its secrets before the never-do-wells get their mitts on it and on Bikini Jones’s own golden idol. Bikini Jones features many of the regular cast members circa 2010, most of which have appeared in enough films it’s simpler just to link to their tags than to list all the films over and over again for each actor. Fred Olen Ray reuses the talent because they can get the job done, and done right, and done quickly. But mostly done right.

The later seasons of The Dog Whisperer started to throw in gimmicks for ratings…

Bikini Jones is fun, has fun things going on, and is worth your time. But don’t take my word for it, read the review and then take my word for it! Wait a minute…

Olsen Twin Cop! She’s a cop, and an Olsen Twin.

	Dr. Bikini Jones (Christine Nguyen) – A famous archeologist and expert in translating ancient languages. And at having lots of sex. What do you expect when you name your daughter Bikini? The Jones family should be banned from handing out names…
	Evilla Cruella (Heather Vandeven) - Again with the names that force their owners into a life out of their control. Evilla Cruella was doomed from the start. She’s from Hobokin, but comes from a long line of Morons. Wants to be ruler of Moronica.
	Carol Summers (Rebecca Love) – An excellent cypher from the Department of National Antiquities…or is she????
	Drago (Frankie Cullen) – Frankie Cullen shows up playing what probably would have been the Evan Stone role, as Evilla’s main henchman. Does the dirty work and the dirty deeds.
	Mr. Martin (Ted Newsom) – The CIA boss who hires Bikini Jones so they can stop Evilla from getting her hands on Moronica.
	Mark X (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh….THAT GUY.
	Janette the Security guard (Brynn Tyler) – A security guard straight from that school from the Armed and Dangerous movie… Brynn Tyler is the only newcomer in this flick.
	Sacred Idol of Eros (himself) – The most famous idol from Eros….ever!
	The Guardian of Moronica (CGI) – Moronica is full of rocks, Morons, and this guy, who eats everyone. No wonder Moronica’s economy is in the toilet…

What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks? A dinobore! I’ll be here all week, folks.

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 26, 2012 at 1:26 am

Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: archeology is sexy, bikini movie madness, Billy Chappell, Brynn Tyler, Christine Nguyen, Frankie Cullen, Fred Olen Ray, Heather Vandeven, Jayden Cole, Lesbians, Rebecca Love, softcore, Ted Newsom, Tony Marino

The Blonde Hair Monster

aka 黃毛怪人 aka Yellow Giant

1962
Written and Directed by Wong Fung

The Blonde Hair Monster is a story from the pulp series Wong Ang the Flying Heroine Bandit. These tales originated in 1940′s Shanghai from intelligence worker Siu Ping (aka Xiao Ping), who used his stories to speak out against the social and economic injustices of the time, creating a hero to fight for the people. Siu Ping fled to Hong Kong as the Chinese Civil War intensified and the Communists declared victory. The Wong Ang character spoke to the citizens of Hong Kong just as she had to the citizens of Shanghai, and became big sellers in the 1950s. Wong Ang is a play on the word for Oriole, and thus is known as Oriole in several title translations.

Wong Ang fits the profile of the virtuous female fighter character. While not being a nuxia (swordswoman), she is set in modern day and works with modern tools to take on modern problems. The rich and the powerful who think they can get away with crimes meet their matches, and the innocent and forgotten find the justice they need in their lives.

Wong Ang’s popularity made it a natural that she would appear on the screen, with the first entries appearing in 1957 or 1958. The first known film was Shaw’s Oriole, the Heroine (also known as Miss Nightingale, the Flying Fencer), which starred Pearl Au Kar-wai as Wong Ang and Fanny Fan and Chiang Feng as her sidekicks. There is some uncertainty to the exact release date. Beginning in 1959, Yu So-Chow played her in a series of films, four featuring veteran female action star Wu Lizhu and Yam Yin as her two sidekicks. 1959 gave us How Oriole the Heroine Solved the Case of the Three Dead Bodies and How Oriole the Heroine Caught the Murderer. 1960 was the Year of the Oriole with four films: House No. 13, Apartment Murder, Miss Cranery Vs. the Flying Tigers, and The Story of Wong-Un the Heroine. The Breakthrough was released in 1961. The Blonde Hair Monster is the last of the Yu So-Chow Wong Ang films (and the last Wong Ang film period, unless you count Michele Yeoh’s Silverhawk!), though by now the focus had begun to shift to Connie Chan, who plays one of her sidekicks. Thanks to DurianDave from SoftFilm for his work compiling the list of films above.

My favorite part of Blonde Hair Monster is how the vcd is missing an entire reel of the film! Luckily for me, I tracked down a guy on YouTube who uploaded the middle chunk of a TVB broadcast of the film for some reason, and that middle chunk has the missing reel! That’s also why some of the screencaps look different. TarsTarkas.NET goes the extra mile to give you the review you deserve, because we care, when we’re not being lazy! What is even more weird is the TVB broadcast is also missing pieces that the vcd had. So I’ve put together an extended edition of The Blonde Hair Monster that just might be the most complete copy of the film in the world. And yet there still is no title card…

Because this film is obscure as frak and I had to composite it together, this review will be detailed and long. So, sorry if you aren’t into that sort of thing, but bully if you are! And for more, much more on the Jane Bond films that this is a prototype of, listen to the Jane Bond Infernal Brains Podcast!

	Wong Ngan (Yu So-Chau) – The champion of the people and solver of mysteries. Wong Ngan the Oriole fights for justice, and for just being there when stuff goes down. She and her girls will solve any mystery that comes along and won’t take any crap while doing so, though Wong Ngan is more likely to dispense with the villains with a polite smile than her sidekicks.
	Heung Ngan (Connie Chan Po-Chu) – Wong Ngan’s younger sidekick, who is sassy and tough, and not afraid to fight a gigantic yellow-haired monster on occasion. Or a lady in a skeleton costume. Or a jerk homeowner keeping her from having a banana. The film is well aware Connie Chan will be the cat’s meow in another year or two, and makes sure to keep her on screen.
	Wu Nga (Chan Hiu-Kau) – Wong Ngan’s other sidekick, who wears a K on her jacket (for Krazy!) She’s more reserved than Heung Ngan, but isn’t afraid to kick some butt if need be.
	Inspector To (Walter Tso Tat-Wah) – Walter Tso shows up as his Inspector character that he played from time to time when not starring in a period piece. It’s a good thing Inspector To let these women wander around and solve his case for him, because he’s wrong on just about everything until Wong Nang politely explains what happened.
	Cheung Yan-Lei (Sek Kin) – The framed younger brother of Cheung Yan-Chuen who spent years in jail and recently escaped. He’s plotting revenge, but a jerk like Cheung Yan-Chuen has so many enemies Yan-Lei is going to have to get in line.
	Cheung Yan-Chuen (Ling Mung) – The evil brother who framed his brother for murder and screwed over a lot of people in his life. A list of his enemies would just be a copy of the phone book (Cheung Yan-Chuen wouldn’t be there, as he’d have an unlisted telephone number just to be away from everyone else!) Learns why you should never turn your back on your enemies, especially the ones with knives.
	Cheung Kai-Ting (Cheung Ying-Tsoi) – Son of Cheung Yan-Chuen who now has to deal with his idiot father’s enemies coming to cause problems. You think you have dad problems.
	Yau Tin Lung (Lam Liu-Ngok) – The servent to Cheung Yan-Chuen who is listed here because she’s a major character with a secret. And just ignore the fact there is a mystery character who is obviously female…
	Sifu (Lok Gung) – A one-eyed sorcerer who helps Cheung Yan-Lei after his escape from jail and just happens to have a giant manservant and an orangutan on hand in his lab. So did Cheung Yan-Lei escape from jail into a pulp novel? You’d be surprised, because this film is based on a pulp novel!
	Blonde Hair Monster (Siu Gam) – Was originally Sifu’s servant Mo Mo before a horrible accident and the addition of orangutan blood turned him into the fearful Blonde Hair Monster! Is that blonde hair real? Only his hairdresser knows for sure!
	Ghost Lady (It is a mystery!) – Who could this mysterious ghost lady be? And why is she wearing a skeleton head when she is a ghost?

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 23, 2012 at 12:54 pm

Categories: Bad, Movies Tags: Chan Hiu-Kau, Cheung Ying-Tsoi, Chu Yau-Ko, Connie Chan Po-Chu, Gam Lui, Hong Kong, Lai Kwan-Lin, Lam Liu-Ngok, Ling Mung, Lok Gung, Sai Gwa-Pau, Sek Kin, Siu Gam, Tang Cheung, Walter Tso Tat-Wah, We don't need no stinking subtitles, Wong Fung, Yu So-chau

Dirty Blondes 2

2006
Directed by Francis Locke

Good thing these ancient Indians wrote “Made in Malaysia” on this ancient pot in English…

Dirty Blondes 2 is the Speed 2: Cruise Control of the Dirty Blonde Franchise. Which I think is just these two films, as another feature called More Dirty Blondes doesn’t seem to be related at all. Dirty Blondes 2 continues the riveting Dirty Blondes story, as two teams search for evidence of American and Polynesian contact, though this time instead of looking for pottery, they’re looking for a stone dildo. Because that proves…something. Whatever. The classic Dirty Blondes tropes are there – sexy archeology, female archeologists don’t wear pants, female archeologists take long showers and have sex with all of their digging partners, and long-missing ancient artifacts with Earth-shattering secrets are just lying on the ground in mint condition.

Torchlight Pictures, Francis Locke, and Blade Simpson combine together for another softcore with almost three minutes of plot stretched between many long long long long long long long sex scenes. And let’s not forget a liberal use of one long long long long long long long sex scene from the previous film. My theory is the budget was whatever Torchlight Pictures found while rummaging though the couch cushions. We all know the name of the game, so let’s meet the players:

The Dirty Blondes Collection, coming this fall to Marshall’s!

	Tina (Nicole Oring) -Tina is an archeology student who is very lucky at finding amazing discoveries lying in plain sight. Can she find something amazing by the end of the film, in between her constant getting naked? Find out! Nicole Oring is a model and softcore star (including Pretty Prisoners of Chloro Conspiracies and Bare-Skinned New Girls’ Scary Bondage Surprise!), but also was in Single White Female 2: The Psycho!
	Professor Rich (Ben Campezi) – Professor running the new dig for the ancient dong. He has the diary from the first film, which you would think would be in a museum or something. Someone call Indiana Jones to punch this guy until it hits a museum! is an adult film star who usually works in male on male cinema, he’s handled more hogs than a pig farmer in such films as Musclemen Moving Company Inc, Oiled Up Hunks, and Straight Jocks Confess
	Lisa (Xara Diaz) – Lisa is one of Professor Rish’s students, and instead of digging she just wears the artifacts! Except for when Rich takes them off to have sex with her. Xara Diaz is an adult actress who has handled more packages than UPS in such fine films as We Were Tied Up and She Was Naked!, Sexz Latinas, and Finger Licking Good.
	Guy at Basecamp A (Dino Bravo) – This guy doesn’t even get a name, and he spends most of his time staring at Tina, except for when he’s having sex with Tina. Dino Bravo is an adult star (who ganked his name from a wrestler!) that’s given more rides than one of the coin operated kiddie machines outside a grocery store in such films as Gov Love: The Eliot Splitz-her Story, Boning Bonita Chicas, and Not Married with Children XXX

La-la-la, getting naked for no reason, la-la-la

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - April 22, 2012 at 1:17 am

Categories: Movies, Ugly Tags: archeology is sexy, Ben Campezi, Blade Simpson, Dino Bravo, Francis Locke, Holly Hollywood, Jana Cova, Nicole Oring, Overly long sex scenes, softcore, Torchlight Pictures, Xara Diaz

Dirty Blondes

2004
Written and directed by Francis Locke

The only thing you need to know is “Bottomless Archeology”

From Torchlight Pictures comes another softcore flick involving five minutes of plot and 80 minutes of getting it on. This time, the action concerns groups of archeologists at two dig sites and their exciting adventures of digging up some bowls the producer bought at Ross that weekend. One of the two locations of the action is the Mojave Desert, which is played by the desert location that is used in a lot of Torchlight Pictures films. Dirty Blondes even spawned a sequel that takes place in the same desert. The pair of titular Dirty Blondes are not in the desert, but are located in set piece number two, a lush rainforest. This helps break up the monotony of the bleak desert landscape. Let’s also applaud Dirty Blondes for not having any scene be set in a hotel, like most of the other Torchlight Pictures desert features.

Francis Locke breaks out another picture that has its plot on the ultra-Slim-Fast diet. The songs of Blade Simpson (if that is his real name) is used for the soundtrack, which is the same Blade Simpson CD used in practically every Torchlight film that uses him as a soundtrack. Familiar music can sometimes be comforting, such as the familiar music in the Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies or the songs in Jim Wynorski flicks.

Once again, the world of archeology is sexy. It’s the most sexy science field according to all these softcore flicks, where they’re always uncovering ancient sexy civilizations or spirits of queens or artifacts that make people want to bone. You rarely see biochemists getting it on.

Let’s get this archeological dig started, Indiana Jones style! As for the dudes in the cast, I don’t know who is who for Rafe or Scott Alexander, so I’m sadly not able to mention humorous porn titles they’ve been in. It will be a mystery for the ages.

	Phillip (???) – Leader of Team Mojave and a noted archeologist. You’ve probably heard of him. The famous Phillip. Employs his sister and women he has sex with. No conflict of interest here.
	Jenny (Allysin Chaynes) – Team Mojave member of the archeology crew, spends most of the film either without pants or without a shirt. She’s only without both during the sex scenes, which she’s also in a lot of. Allysin Chaynes is an adult film actress who has been hammered more than a blacksmith’s hammer in such fine films as Double Penetration Virgins 8: DP Commandos, Look What I Found in the Street 5: Bus Stop Edition, and Long Dong Black Kong 1.
	Rex (Frank Fortuna) – Member of Team Mojave who spends most of the film having sex with his female teammate Jenny. Frank Fortuna is an adult film star who has gone deep into more trenches than James Cameron in such films as Unbelievably Blond; Panties, She Wrote; and Cream Filling 2: Refill
	April (Holly Hollywood) – One of the two Dirty Blondes and a lesbiarcheologist. She is part of Team Bora Bora and Phillip’s sister. The famous Phillip that you’ve heard of. Holly Hollywood is an adult film actress who also has appeared in a score of softcore adventures such as The Erotic Mis-Adventures of the Invisible Man and The Model Solution.
	Debbie Korvich (Jana Cova) – The other Dirty Blonde and the second lesbiarcheologist. Team Bora Bora. Has an accent. Jana Cova has had her curtains parted more times than the Fox Theater in such adult films such as Who Let the Cats Out, Lesbian Truth or Dare 1, and They Tied Me Topless.
	Laka (Teanna Kai) – A native girl at Bora Bora who is friends with the Dirty Blondes. Like all Bora Borans, she runs around topless, has had a boob job, and has sex with random surfer dudes. Teanna Kai is an adult film performer who has been packed more than the Cheesecake Factory on a Friday night in such films as Lettin’ Her Fingers Do The Walking, Rub The Muff 7, and Private Sports 3: Desert Foxxx.
	Joe Torrence (???) - Surfer Joe Torrence is all about the perfect wave and looking for his dead father’s body. Dr. Torrence is his father and the evil Dr. Drake Mordecai is Joe’s uncle.