That’s the bastard with all the overdue library books!
Hallmark Movies & Mysteries is in the business of kickstarting new mystery movie franchises starring alumni from Full House because they are ratings gold, and 2015 is a big year in new series starting up. Thus, we’re getting the Aurora Teagarden series, which as all literary fans know is written by Charlaine Harris, who wrote the Southern Vampire Mystery series that True Blood is based on! A Bone to Pick: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery is the first of what will probably be at least three of the films, the actual details are a bit hazy and will probably alter based on ratings.
A librarian with a sharp mind for murder, Aurora Teagarden is known around her small town as a master sleuth. When her friend Jane unexpectedly dies and leaves Aurora everything in her will, she also leaves a troubling murder mystery haunting her neighborhood. It is up to Aurora to piece together the clues—-including a skull, its missing skeleton and a suspicious group of neighbors—-and solve the murder before she becomes the unlikely killer’s next victim.
A Bone to Pick: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery stars Candace Cameron-Bure (Full House) as Aurora Teagarden, Lexa Doig (Jason X) as Sally, Marilu Henner (Taxi) as Aida, Bruce Dawson (Hollow Man II) as John, Peter Benson (Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassins’ Ball ) as Arthur, Sonya Salomaa (MXP: Most Xtreme Primate) as Marcia Rideout, Dan Payne (A Christmas Story 2) as Torrance Rideout, Miranda Frigon (A Cookie Cutter Christmas) as Lynn Liggett, and Stephen Huszar (12 Men of Christmas) as Father Scott Aubrey. It’s directed by Martin Wood (Goodnight for Justice: Queen of Hearts) and the adapted by Teena Booth (The Grim Sleeper).
A Bone to Pick: An Aurora Teagarden Mystery premieres April 4th on Hallmark Movies & Mysteries!
1986 Story by Donald G. Jackson
Screenplay by Donald G. Jackson and Randall Frakes
Directed by Donald G. Jackson
A post-apocalyptic future where you live and die based on how well you roller blade. Yes, Roller Blade is a classic piece of b movie insanity from the mind of Donald G. Jackson. You might think that means there are roller blades in the film, but you would be wrong, everyone is using regular skates, as this was years before in-line skates or roller blades became popular.
Director Donald G. Jackson spent a whole $5000 making Roller Blade and it went on to become very successful, earning over a million dollars through video sales. He made several additional roller blade themed movies, some of which were funded by studios. Some drama happened that’s more appropriate to discuss in the relative films’ reviews, but needless to say it despite the increase in budget, it was not a pleasant experience for Jackson. The large amount of Roller Blade related films has ensured the films a cult following, even as Legend of the Roller Blade Seven has a reputation for being one of the worst films ever made.
Donald G. Jackson is known for being an advocate of Zen Filmmaking, a method of low-budget filmmaking that doesn’t use a script and focuses on using the energy of the cast and available resources to craft a film on the fly. Hence, many of Jackson’s films seem like they were made up by a group of friends on weekends, because they often are. Some of his more structured films such as Hell Comes to Frogtown are more focused, but you can see the roots of Zen Filmmaking here: The lack of focus or strong script, voice-overs instead of sync sound, characters that randomly become more important, and actors playing multiple roles. Read more…
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April 2, 2015 at 7:41 pm
Every Lifetime movie turns into Orange is the New Black.
When the blood goes bad, suddenly you have a DNA match for a serial killer who is also your stalker and frames you for murders! Damn, better keep an eye on the expiration dates! Luckily, our heroine Lauren Malone fights back against this evil man who wants to destroy her and her her motorcycle customizing business. Take that, random psycho! Bad Blood is the flick’s name, and being a movie Lifetime bought the rights to have the premiere is its game! Let’s not get into how this whole DNA match thing makes no sense, and hopefully gets explained better than the synopsis does.
Lauren Malone is happy with the life she’s built: her own place, a steady job customizing motorcycles, and a good man in Sheriff Church. While her past might have been a bit rocky, she has more than made up for it. But everything in Lauren’s life changes when the police come knocking on her door… and arrest her for murder. Lauren has no alibi, and her blood is all over the crime scene. What Lauren doesn’t know is that a serial killer named Oscar has developed an obsession with her… and that he has an exact match for Lauren’s DNA. Oscar helps her escape from custody, but Lauren slips through his fingers when she realizes who he is. Lauren finds herself caught between a psychopath determined to take her prisoner and a manhunt led by Sheriff Church. With nowhere else to turn, Lauren seeks help from her estranged ex-con father Ray, and the two team up to find a way to clear Lauren’s name… before Oscar has the chance to kill again.
Bad Blood stars Taylor Cole (April Fool’s Day), Jeff Kober (Tank Girl), Billy Miller (American Sniper), Carly Chaikin (In a World…), Brett Rickaby (Return to the Batcave: The Misadventures of Adam and Burt ), and Christine Adams (TRON: Legacy ). It’s directed by Adam Silver (The 7 Adventures of Sinbad, a lot of cinematography work) and written by Ryan Rothmaier (his first feature writing credit, a lot of editing work)
Bad Blood premieres Saturday, March 28th on Lifetime!
aka 九月初九之重見天日 aka Shyly Spirit aka Pa xiu gui 1991 Written by Jeng Man-Wa
Directed by Chong Yan-Gin Shy Spirit is about one thing, which is a nude ghost girl. The film then sets up a nice and ridiculous scenario to get the nude ghost girl, who is nude far less than you would expect for this being a movie about a nude ghost girl. Despite the nude ghost girl being the draw, Shy Spirit is not one of those smutty Cat III ghost films. Though it’s a spooky comedy, like many Hong Kong films the tone will jump around, daring to become suddenly serious or becoming a well-choreographed action film before jerking right back to the comedy.
Shy Spirit also isn’t very good. It takes too long to set up the complicated plot, which then rambles around a while. Large portions of the film focus on Long-Life like he’s supposed to be the hero, even though he does all sorts of bad things like inadvertently kill Hsio, turning her into the “shy spirit” of the title. Sing ends up becoming the hero, though he Shy Spirit features rival families and innocent people who are caught in the crossfire. The Wang family and the Ko family are rivals, dating back to when both patriarchs were chasing after the same girl as youth, Mrs. Hu. She ended up choosing neither of those idiots, instead picking a sickly guy. All three families have kids at the same time, Mr. Wang celebrates the birth of his son Sing, Mr. Ko celebrates the birth of his son Long-Life, and Mrs. Hu celebrates the birth of her daughter, Hsio. This means another generation of the rivalry. Not only that, but it’s time to tell the fortunes of the three babies, thanks to a traveling priest and his hopping assistant. The priest is Lam Ching-Ying essentially playing his one-eyebrow priest character from the Mr. Vampire movies, and the fortune for Long-Life is more of a misfortune – he’ll age rapidly and probably die at age 23. But if he doesn’t, he’ll live a long life. Also he’ll be weak during the full moon. Does that make him a were-weakling? Strangely, he gets the bad fortune, even though other bad stuff happens. Read more…
Hideous sun demons are cool, but not as cool as hideous Run DMCs! Yes, that pun is very bad and probably caused someone reading it to curl into a ball and die, but that’s the price we all pay to get alerted to new RiffTrax VODs! This time we get The Hideous Sun Demon, a legend in people who watch old black and white monster movies circles. Since you can’t see it the way it was meant to be seen (at a drive in while you are paying more attention to making out with your date than the movie), see it the way it’s now meant to be seen, with RiffTrax commentary!
This is the tale of a man who transforms into a violent lizard creature whenever he’s in the sun too long. No, he’s not the third wheel love interest in an upcoming Twilight reboot, he’s The Hideous Sun Demon!
It’s the late 50s, a time when exposure to radiation still caused fun stuff, like superpowers and shape-changing, as opposed to less fun stuff, like, y’know, death. After some radioactive material falls off the toy train the scientists use to transport it through the lab (actual plot point, not a joke) mild-mannered genius drunk Dr. Gilbert McKenna is changed forever. Sunlight turns him into a reptile man-monster, presumably because that’s the rubber suit that was cheapest to rent when they made this movie. But not cheap enough for them to rent the bottom part of the suit, apparently, because he runs around in totally soaked khaki pants for roughly half the movie. Why are his pants so wet? That’s just part of the mystery!
It’s a superhuman dose of old-fashioned nuclear mutation fun, stay out of direct sunlight and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for The Hideous Sun Demon!
There’s a littler Rear Window to our soul in everyone…
Stalked by My Neighbor has Lifetime break out a masterpiece of genre mashups, with Rear Window, crazy stalker movies, American Beauty, and suspense up the yin yang! The best part is, the actual stalker is the protagonist, Jodi Allen, who is a victim of home invasion caught on Skype and now takes photos of her neighbors all days. This leads to clues to a murder and conspiracies and soon the bodies are piling very high, which means their subdivision will probably have to up the Homeowners Association fees to make up for the slack of the new empty units. That’s just another reason why Homeowners Associations are terrible. Also murder and stalking is terrible, almost as much as HOAs. Almost.
Jodi Allen and her mother Andrea moved to suburbia to help Jodi recover from a traumatic home invasion. But when 18-year-old Jodi, while taking photos out her bedroom window, sees a sinister shadow across the street, she panics. Has her nightmare returned? Determined to take action, Jodi goes on a mission to warn her neighbors and find out the truth, only to discover that the shadow may be stalking her.
Stalked by My Neighbor stars Amy Pietz (Stalked at 17), Kelcie Stranahan (Dirty Teacher), Katrina Norman (Fired Up!), Grant Harvey (Jersey Shore Shark Attack)
Stalked by My Neighbor is written and directed by Lifetime vet Doug Campbell (Sugar Daddies, Death Clique, all the “at 17” movies), and as Campbell’s pedigree is awesome this will be a fun exploitative ride! It airs Saturday, March 28, on Lifetime!