Sleepy Hollow S02E08 – “Heartless”

Heartless Sleepy Hollow

The truth about Smuckers!

Sleepy HollowHeartless
Written by Albert Kim
Directed by David Boyd
Heartless Sleepy Hollow

I just want to be like that scene from Temple of Doom!

Sleepy Hollow takes steps forward and steps backwards in an episode that seems like it is on a way to make things cool again, and then tosses it all away with some ridiculous stuff that puts the awful Ichabod and Katrina are having relationship issues thing back on track. Also there is an evil baby, but that’s not the focus this week, it’s a Succubus, who is running around chomping on people who have hidden desires, in order to feed souls to the evil baby. Souls are florescent pink, btw, which means they are probably strawberry flavored. Yummy!

We start with things all cool, with Ichabod and Katrina watching a Bachelor ripoff and arguing about love and who is the guy’s real favorite. They also mention rebuilding their trust. But Henry Parrish is up to no good again, this time using a heart in a jar to summon a nude lady! No, Fox hasn’t yet fulfilled the prophecy from The Simpsons and become a hardcore porn station, Henry just summoned a succubus. She goes out and quickly finds a nerdy victim at a club, easily seducing him to the back of his car for some soul-sucking. And I don’t mean sex.

Heartless Sleepy Hollow

So the Horseman of War’s defense was that kid’s Halloween game where you stick your hand in a jar of peeled grapes?

Damn, the Succubus is going to wipe out all the tech workers from Sleepy Hollow, preventing the city from cashing in on the Web 3.0 economy and reduce the annual tax revenue by 0.7%! Diabolical!

Oh, wait, she’s just killing dudes and sucking out their souls, which she later barfs into a jar. No problems here, kill away!

The Succubus is played by Caroline Ford, who does a good job considering she has to become a different person each time she seduces someone, to become their heart’s desire of the perfect woman. She also goes full heavy metal demon babe at a few points, complete with giant horns.

Heartless Sleepy Hollow

Oh, yeah, that hits the spot!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - December 7, 2014 at 10:15 pm

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New Air Bud flick Russell Madness IS Madness!

What in the name of all that is holy with talking dog movies is going on? Somehow when I wasn’t paying attention, the Air Bud franchise became a production company that’s putting out it’s own films (that appear to be outside the umbrella of Disney!), starting with a talking dog becomes a wrestling champ movie called Russell Madness!

It’s the kind of movie you got to see to still disbelieve and then watch the trailer a few more times processing everything you see. There’s a talking Jack Russell Terrier who is desperate for a family, a talking monkey wrestling coach named Hunk, evil John Ratzenberger, and kids overly emoting. Let’s not forget the gimmick wrestlers, including John Morrison!

Find out if the wrestling dog will ever get a family in February! Though whatever happens, Wishbone will always be the superior talking Jack Russell, but maybe we got a new number two!

I will give them credit for Rolling Bone. Why doesn’t that magazine exist???

Russell Madness

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - December 6, 2014 at 8:23 pm

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Santa Claus – RiffTrax Live Trip Report!

Mexican Santa Claus Rene Cardona K. Gordon Murray

Finally, a movie with the GUTS to show the true meaning of Christmas!

Santa battles Satan in the spaces between a hailstorm of Riffs! Yes, that fantacular Mexican Santa Claus movie, Santa Claus, once again faces getting constantly mocked at the holidays. With good reason, because it is insanity. INSANITY! I also like it, because it’s so crazy. Santa Claus has all the holiday tropes: Santa having special powers, shirtless keymakers, racist depictions of confused children, wizards, and devils going all Home Alone. They even have a nice clean widescreen print, the original René Cardona Mexican version with the K. Gordon Murray dubbing.

The strange mythology of Santa Claus deserves deeper exploration. Santa lives in purgatory with a collection of children from across the globe. The children are dressed in “cultural” attire of their homelands, which leads to the kids from Africa wearing leopard print undies and bones in their hair. For some reason all the white kids have their faces painted a ghoulish light grey. The children live in a giant room where they are forced to sing for Santa at his whim, in between slaving away producing presents for the children of the world. Some of the kids have the freedom to be Santa’s personal assistants, meaning they follow him around and help him battle Satan’s demons, who spend their time on Earth convincing children to reject Santa Claus and be evil. This strange twist on Christianity is further stranged by the presence of nativity scenes, meaning that Jesus does exist in this universe, but seems to play no role in the affairs of Earth. Only Santa cares about the corruption of youth, but as he can only come to Earth once per year, he is forces to sit back and complain and spy on children with his giant freakish telescope (complete with giant eye) and a radar dish with a huge human ear in it. A machine with creepy giant lips announces what is happening on Earth.

Santa not only lives with the enslaved children, but with Merlin the wizard (who is getting up their in years) and with a shirtless blacksmith who makes him magic keys each year (in between building thousand of doors!) Santa has only four white robotic reindeer, the creepy animatronics used will fuel your nightmares for decades. And yet when Santa does get to Earth, almost all his time is spent having a prank duel with a demon named Pitch, before a barking (yet friendly-looking) dog traps Santa in a tree for a few minutes. The main moral dilemma of the film is if good girl Lupita will ever get a doll for Christmas, or if she’ll go bad and steal a doll. Spoiler alert in that she does get a doll.

As you can imagine, this means Santa Claus is a target rich environment as far as Riffing is concerned. Already a MST3K episode, we got new jokes from Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett. Corbett himself came dressed up as a “North Pole Guy” (what the website he ordered the costume from called the elf costume) and the audience immediately sided with him on the curly shoe debate. Spoiler alert, curly shoes rule, and straight-shoer Mike Nelson received a chorus of boos.

Before the Christmas cheer, we got a new short, another of the At Your Fingertips series, the most ponderous children’s shorts ever made. This time, At Your Fingertips: Sugar and Spice taught everyone how to mold sugar into bizarre shapes that it later suggested eating, giving a glimpse to an alternate world where childhood diabetes isn’t a major epidemic. And let’s not even talk about how hyper those kids will be after all that sugar, they’ll be running on the ceiling for weeks!

Overall, the show was hilarious, the riffs were on point, Craig blessed the world and Santa celebrated his birth by giving away a doll and having some rich kid get to see his absentee parents. Might have been nice to give Lupita’s dad a job, but what are you gonna do? Santa has always given rich kids more stuff, because Santa is a lousy fink. That’s right, Santa, you suck! On the other hand, RiffTrax rules!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas -  at 3:21 pm

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Sleepy Hollow S02E07 – “Deliverance”

Deliverance Sleepy Hollow

Babies bring such joy into the world…

Sleepy HollowDeliverance
Written by Sam Chalsen and Nelson Greaves
Directed by Nick Copus
Deliverance Sleepy Hollow

Fist bump for being back on track!

Every science fiction series seems to do a demon baby episode, to the point where it’s more interesting when the pregnancies produce normal babies with no real problems. On that note, Sleepy Hollow‘s demon baby episode was surprisingly sound, because it was less about the demon baby and more about everything else. With the End of Days/Book of Revelation texts that Sleepy Hollow is cribbing off of already featuring birth sections, it’s only natural that one of the ways the demon Molloch would try to enter into the world would be out of a woman’s vagina. But Molloch must learn the way of the modern day society, which is a woman’s body is her business, and no demon who mysteriously has the same opinion as conservative Republicans has the right to intrude on anyone’s uterus.

Aside from the demon baby story, Deliverance follows the threads from prior episodes of Ichabod and Katrina having relationship issues because her entire life is one gigantic lie of things she hasn’t informed Ichabod of. There’s the dealing with the new Sheriff and her dislike for Abbie, and we find out exactly what the mysterious jincan poison is being used for. Though despite Ichabod’s declaration just last week that he’s not going to give up on his son (it’s even included in the recap!), he still needs further pushing by Katrina.

Deliverance Sleepy Hollow

I can read that stone tablet, it’s got an additional 5 Commandments!

But enough of that plot stuff, it’s time for the fun! We start out with Ichabod delivering a hilarious rant about the abysmal voting rates, followed by Abbie owning him by pointing out that as a Black woman, it took two Constitutional Amendments for her to be able to vote. Ichabod also concedes that since she doesn’t own large tracts of land, she’d be turned away for that back in colonial times. And there’s a hilarious “Shush!”ing of Ichabod as he tries to give Abbie suggestions on what to vote for inside the polling place.

Katrina opens by dreaming of being in bed with Ichabod just before he left for war the last time. They speak of what their children will be like, sort of ironic because soon after she has Jeremy, who becomes Henry Parrish, Horseman of the Apocalypse. And she’ll get preggers in this episode, with demon baby Molloch, though not by any natural means. Her dream becomes a spider-spitting face-ripping-off nightmare before she awakens.

Deliverance Sleepy Hollow

This week the vital clues were rendered in ink instead of pencil, what a twist!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 30, 2014 at 10:06 pm

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Fun in Balloonland – new RiffTrax VOD!

There is a whole world of crazy obscure wacky weird films out there, and Fun in Balloonland is one of the most of all those things, and so much more, and soooo much painfully scary! Basically, it is perfect for RiffTrax, and their new VOD of Fun in Balloonland is guaranteed to be one of their classics that will be mentioned for decades to come in hushed tones of awe. If you only get one RiffTrax VOD in your life, I can recommend this entirely just upon being familiar with the original version and not having seen the RiffTrax version, because it’s just that crazy that it is magically perfect. Like the producers knew long ago that in the future people would record goofy commentaries about it on the internet. There can be no other explanation, because it’s just that screwed up! But don’t take my word for it, throw your money at right now!

We would say that Fun In Balloonland is our favorite RiffTrax movie that we’ve ever done, but there’s just one problem: it’s hard to really describe it as a movie. It is an event. To attempt to describe its plot to you would be like attempting to divide by zero. There are balloons, there are kids, there is a parade, and there were mercifully cameras rolling to capture the madness. It’s a spectacle so cracked and baffling that you’ll have to double check to make sure it wasn’t recorded at Pirates World, home of Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny.

In fact, the Ice Cream Bunny would have taken one look at this flick and begged off saying “Too weird for me man! Even I have my limits! Oh whoops, lost another kid off the back of the fire engine. Well, you’re gonna get that.” Fun In Balloon Land throws a whole casserole of crazy at the screen: kindergartners in gold lamé diapers, giant Indian stereotypes, a maniac of a parade host, blow fish who halfheartedly tell jokes, a lengthy guessing game, The Farmer In The Dell, two headed cats, and something called The Marrying Turkey. Then Santa shows up. Trust us, it will all make sense when you sit down and watch it.*

We’ve been holding this one back for the holiday season ever since we discovered it at the beginning of the year and we’re delighted to finally present—no, unleash would be the better word—we’re delighted to unleash it to all of you. Please join Mike, Kevin, Bill, and the Marrying Turkey for: Fun In Balloonland.

*100% untrue.

Fun in Balloonland RiffTrax

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 27, 2014 at 12:18 am

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Sleepy Hollow S02E06 – “And the Abyss Gazes Back”

and the abyss gazes back sleepy hollow

Best screenshot of the season!

Sleepy HollowAnd the Abyss Gazes Back
Written by Heather V. Regnier
Directed by Doug Aarniokoski
and the abyss gazes back sleepy hollow

Help the deer are fighting back!

With the sixth episode of the season, Sleepy Hollow manages to give us some good crazy as well as character development and even ensures the yet another additional character they introduced won’t be in every episode to take time away from the actual stars. Plus, it brought back the phrase “double jugs”, and if Sleepy Hollow is cancelled tomorrow, it can reflect on a job well done based on that alone! As a bonus, we get Ichabod not only doing yoga, but also playing video games!

And the Abyss Gazes Back brings some focus on a character who is often mentioned but never seen on Sleepy Hollow, Sheriff Corbin. Partially because he was killed in the pilot. But Corbin has remained a presence on the show regardless, as his hobby of collecting weird stories and artifacts has given the heroes a treasure trove of information that has aided their fight. He also mentored a young Abbie Mills, putting her on the straight and narrow path that led to her becoming a police officer. And he used Jenny Mills to acquire artifacts by more black book dirty methods, which is part of the reason she’s a badass. Despite that Corbin himself has barely appeared on the show, and we really know nothing about the man. Now we learn that he has a son named Joe Corbin. A son old enough to have signed up for the marines and gotten stationed in Afghanistan. A son that doesn’t particularly care for his father, feeling he spent too little attention on him and too much attention on Abbie Mills. As Abbie used to babysit for Joe, his resentment against her is a new development she has to now deal with.

and the abyss gazes back sleepy hollow

Once again important monster information is conveyed in hand drawn form…

The monster of the week is everyone’s favorite American Indian skinwalker legend, the Wendigo! Which if you haven’t figured out by now will be Joe Corbin, then you haven’t been paying attention that much. It becomes very clear very fast after the first attack that he’s the monster, as he’s the only survivor and is ranting catatonically. The Wendigo is depicted as a monstrous man beast with big antlers, making it look like this week’s Sleepy Hollow would be right at home as an episode of Hannibal!
and the abyss gazes back sleepy hollow

Wait, this isn’t an incantation, some high school student is calling his teacher a perv!

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Posted by Tars Tarkas - November 24, 2014 at 11:38 am

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