Don’t you hate it when doomsday cults go on murder sprees and leave dead bodies all over the local parks and then get all confused when their dates of the rapture pass by with no one ascending to Heaven? Lifetime has heard your anguished cries and is severing up a heavy dose of religious wackery with Ungodly Acts! We got a doomsday cult, a “did they or didn’t they” for if the cult ordered a murder, and flashbacks and different stories of the truth. This looks like some good Lifetime fun!
Inspired by actual events. When Melissa Cooper’s body is found hanging from a swing set, the 27-year-old’s death is initially ruled a suicide. But two weeks later a young man, Adam, comes forward claiming he murdered Melissa on the orders of her husband, Daniel Cooper. Adam says that Daniel is the leader of an end times religious cult and that Daniel controls every aspect of the followers’ lives. Daniel Cooper denies all wrongdoing in his wife’s death, but other members of the “Church of the Blessed Light” claim that the charismatic Daniel indeed has a secret life. Melissa’s case is investigated, exploring what really went on behind closed doors in Daniel and Melissa’s marriage, whether Adam acted on his own accord, if Melissa was killed on the orders of her fanatical, newlywed husband or, if Melissa was murdered at all.
Ungodly Acts stars Megan Park, Brant Daugherty, Morgan Taylor Campbell, Christie Burke, and Ashleigh Gryzko. It’s directed by Carl Bessai, who helmed that unneeded Embrace of the Vampire remake that forgot to have a popular actress as the main character, and written by Paul Ziller (cool flick Sea Beast)
Ungodly Acts premieres Saturday, September 19th on Lifetime!
aka 俺にさわると危ないぜ aka Ore ni Sawaru to Abunaize aka If You Touch Me Danger 1966 Screenplay by Ryuzo Nakanishi and Michio Tsuzuki
Based on the novel by Michio Tsuzuki
Directed by Yasuharu Hasebe Black Tight Killers is an essential film. In a just universe, it would be a well-known classic instead of a fairly known cult movie. It assaults the senses with a full force blast of 1960s gogo excess from the opening credits, and just puts the pedal to the metal. The awesomeness is of such force that even viewers who shy away from the 1950s and 60s Japanese action cinema will be pulled along. The film is a visual feast, with nearly every scene so full of glorified excess of ocular excitement that your eyes will be in danger of going all ADHD on you. Black Tight Killers starts with Akira Kobayashi as dashing war photographer Daisuke Honda doing daring deeds during a pitched battle that wouldn’t look out of place in any cheap 1960s Italian war movie that was also shot on a small set. But soon he’s flying back to Japan and we’re blasted by dancing gogo girls in black tights stomping through the opening credits. The film features a gang of fighting femmes (the titular Black Tight Killers) who use their ninja skills on a quest to recover stolen treasure before the villains can. They cross paths with Daisuke Honda, whose recent girlfriend Yuriko Sawanouchi (Chieko Matsubara) is kidnapped due to her family connections to the looted treasure. While the ninja ladies are at first adversarial with Honda and were attempting to kill Yuriko, eventually they become a team to go after the real villains. Honda’s lady killer charms combined with the actual ladies who are killers using ninja seduction skills (the Octopus Pot move traps you know which part of Honda’s body inside you know where of the ninja lass!) means we have plenty of sex to go with violence and music.
Of particular note is a technicolor jazz dream sequence of Daisuke Honda’s, as we follow dream Yuriko as she’s chased through long hallways by stalking menaces while a different-hued black tight killer lady prances in every direction. She frantically bursts through the paper walls of different colored rooms, the ladies chasing her all the while. It’s a literal technicolor fever dream! In the awake world, whenever characters are driving around in vehicles, the projected background is rendered in primary colors, recalling the dream sequence but also forcing focus on the characters in the car just through blasting out any distractions. Read more…
Finally the Eyes Wide Shut/Little Red Riding Hood cinematic universe pays off!
Yes, blackmail a bunch of murderers and don’t expect to get murdered. Great plan, genius! But then the killers begin turning on each other and soon everyone is trying to kill each other. Also there is weird masked ball stuff because I guess rich people still do that somehow. The Murder Pact joins The Cheating Pact in meaning we’re going to have a Pact franchise on Lifetime, and I’m okay with that. Eventually they have to get to a movie called Pact Man, right?
After witnessing the accidental death of their classmate Heidi, a group of friends – four rich socialites – flee the scene, not realizing that Heidi’s roommate Lisa witnessed everything. When Lisa starts to drop hints that she knows about the “accident,” the friends decide they can’t trust her to stay quiet, and plot to kill Lisa before she rats them out, burying her body beneath the floorboards in one of their basements. Before long, though, the guilt and paranoia starts to consume them, and they become convinced that Lisa may actually be alive and looking for revenge.
The Murder Pact stars Alexa Vega, Beau Mirchoff, Renee Olstead, Michael J. Willett, and Sean Patrick Thomas. It’s written by John Doolan and directed by Colin Theys, the team that brought us Wally Lambs’ Wishin’ and Hopin’. This is an interesting followup, which I don’t think will be so Christmasy and sweet. But maybe I’m wrong and The Murder Pact will jingle our bells. Only one way to find out!
The Murder Pact premieres Saturday, September 12th on Lifetime!
2015 Story by Becca Topol and David DeCrane
Screenplay by Becca Topol
Directed by Monika Mitchell
First they sugared the daddies. I said nothing, for I wasn’t a daddy. But then they came to sugar the babies. And I was like, “Seriously, Lifetime?” This is the third film they’ve shown this year where young, nubile girls decide the best way to pay tuition is to get it on with older men for buckets of cash. It’s like the college girls banging old dudes for tuition money films are racing the Unauthorized 90s TV Show Story films for who can flood Lifetime’s airwaves the most! We’ve seen it with Suger Daddies and with Babysitter’s Black Book, and now we dip into the pool for a third time. Sugarbabies runs a lot of the same numbers as we’ve seen before. Hardworking and smart Katie Woods (Alyson Stoner) arrives at the university and excels at classes, but her working class background means she can’t afford to pay for an expensive but competitive interning opportunity. Luckily for Katie, she’s made friends with Tessa Bouillette (Tiera Skovbye), a wannabe model who is living the high life thanks to an older (and married!) man paying all her bills. We see her initiate Rochelle Cranston (Sarah Dugdale) into the Sugar Babies website (cheered on by fellow sugar bowl enthusiast Sasha (Eva Day)), and thanks to being at the right place at the right time, Katie is introduced to the rich and charming James Smith (Giles Panton) by Tessa. Read more…
Sesame Street is popping out with the movie parodies again this year. Their latest is When Cookie Met Sally, a parody of When Harry Met Sally that teaches children to wait their turn and not be impatient. After several attempts, can Sally teach the impatient Cookie Monster to wait in line and stop cutting people? Probably, it would be sad if they didn’t. And they are sure to include an “I’ll have what she’s having” joke, except sans orgasms. Because this is a kids’ show, after all. Don’t be impatient for orgasms, didn’t you learn anything from Cookie Monster? It’s like you didn’t watch the video embedded above.
Cookie and Sally are two very different people. Cookie is messy and impatient. Sally is neat and calm. Can Sally get Cookie to wait his turn by playing a game? Can they actually become friends?
With this parody of a retro flick, the future entries could be from any era, which is cool for film fans like us! I can barely wait for the next one, but luckily I have learned a few things about patience…
River Raft Tip #1: Leap out of the boat randomly in shallow, rocky water!
River Raft Nightmare (aka Eyewitness) brings the excitement of being chased by killer convicts while river rafting to your living room! This is why you should never go river rafting, and instead stay inside and watch tv movies on Lifetime all day. Has anyone on Lifetime ever been attacked while watching a Lifetime movie? Of course not, I rest my case. Anyway, a mom and daughter get attacked by evil evil men, can this mother and daughter team defeat these evil evil men before their do more evil evil things? I sure hope so, otherwise this will be very depressing!
A mother and daughter’s white-water rafting trip becomes a nightmare when they encounter three escaped convicts searching for a hidden satchel of stolen cash. Separated from their rafting party, alone on an isolated river, they must struggle to survive against overwhelming odds.
Maybe Meryl Streep with show up with some advice about dealing with crazy killers while river rafting!
River Raft Nightmare is written and directed by Fred Olen Ray, which shows he’s still out there making movies like a champ, and gives me hope that RRN (that’s what us cool people call the film) is something great and fun.
RRN stars Bridgit Brannaugh, Ivan Sergei, Tim Abell, Leah Bateman, Daniel Booko, Perry King, Stephanie C. Allen, and Ted Monte. It premieres Saturday, September 5th on Lifetime!
Here is a trailer that for some reason has several seconds of black screen before the trailer actually starts!