Hidden Treasures
2013
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Ashton
Call me Poison Ivy because I basically am Poison Ivy.
is an interesting film, because the lead woman Elizabeth is manipulative over her former roommates/lovers, who eagerly go along with whatever weird junk she’s selling. They then drag their girlfriends into the mess, and commit a million sins that would end any relationship immediately. You have to take some of the scenes with a huge iceberg-sized grain of salt that anyone would go along with the shenanigans.
Initial premise aside, Hidden Treasures is an interesting “erotic thriller”, I use thriller because it’s not really any other category. We know Elizabeth is manipulative, but we don’t know how much, or if she’s even the most guilty party.
I’m just gonna dig some shallow graves, nothing suspicious or anything!
Someone does know something about plants (I haven’t determined if Tina Hawthorne is the real name of the writer of the bulk of Mainline Releasing’s films), because in addition to some of the lingo straight out of wikipedia is some actual plant knowledge. Maybe it’s just watching this film while in the middle of reading a book that also has a character who mentions plants by their scientific names all the time (the book is
Caliban’s War by James S.A. Corey), but I don’t really do that. But again, I can barely remember the common names for the different heirloom plants I have growing in my garden without saving the seed packets. It’s probably easier when you have someone you can talk plant shop with, but my wife and I are the only people we know who garden.
Sadie Katz’s character Cat is the plant enthusiast here, while Elizabeth Pierce’s father made his fortune in alternative medicine herbal plants and has a lush garden (tended by hunky gardener Jackson, who also knows a lot about plants.) Plants play into the plot with the characters continually talking about them. But there is also a bunch of missing jewels that Elizabeth’s late father somewhere on the property, which is the excuse she uses to bring in her old sex pals Mason and Chris. Judging by what happens next, its as if the characters are convinced the jewels are hidden on one of their bodies, because they keep getting naked and exploring around each other.
Look, buddy, the title is a metaphor about relationships in addition to referring to the stashed away jewels!
It’s hard to break down
Hidden Treasures because you have to believe that Cat and Rachel would put up with their idiot boyfriends dropping everything to go help out an old hot friend who they probably had lots of sex with. And neither girl is too pleased, Rachel is openly hostile, while Cat attempts to be positive but runs into interference from everyone, including her boyfriend Mason, but not Jackson. Hmmm…. But basically the lesson is don’t be a manipulative horror and don’t be manipulated by said horror.
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Elizabeth Pierce (Michelle Maylene) – Elizabeth’s rich father just died and she gets two of her old lovers to come help her find missing secret jewels. She’s also sleeping with both of them and the gardener Jackson and her dad’s death is very very mysterious. See Michelle Maylene in Sexy Assassins, Cougar School, The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite |
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Cat (Sadie Katz) – Mason’s girlfriend who is dragged along to Elizabeth’s house, but is soon enthralled by all the rare and medicinal plants in the yard. Is not enthralled by Mason banging Elizabeth. Sadie Katz can also be seen in Birthday Sex. Credited here as Buffy Green. |
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Jackson (Chad White) – The gardener who has grown most of the rare plants at the house. Is also good at sewing his oats with two of the female cast members. |
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Mason (Seth Gamble) – Architect who is dating Cat, but is “friends” with Elizabeth from back when they were roomies. He is unfamiliar with common plant names and cares not to learn. Not a faithful man. What do you expect from someone named after a jar? Seth Gamble is also in Booty Hunter. |
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Chris (Ryan McLane) – Another of Elizabeth’s “friends” who spends his free time cheating on his girlfriend Rachel with Elizabeth. Yet he’s somehow the least worst of the two guys Elizabeth brings in. Ryan McLane is also in Naughty Reunion |
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Rachel (Alyssa Branch) – Chris’ girlfriend who is not happy with the weird scenario of bringing him and her to his old flame’s house, nor at her getting kicked out of rooms constantly by Elizabeth. |
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Cop (David Page) – He’s a cop! |
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Other Cop (???) – He’s also a cop! |
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How could you take me to a house with a warped funhouse mirror??? Mom was right about you!
, or just wait until the end of the month to watch in on Country Music Television. From the trailer above, it’s obviously a film that should be seen by everyone to enjoy! I’m kidding, it looks like weird Family Guy/American Dad slash fiction. If anything, the animated film serves to reinforce the view that Dunham gets away with offensive humor due to it coming out of puppets, because now the offensive humor comes in animated form, which is also usually overlooked by critics at large. Have I mentioned critics who do this are dumb as hell? Because they are.
