Bratz Babyz (Review)

Bratz Babyz

Directed by Davis Doi
Written by John Doolittle


No, no… NOOO! Not more Bratz movies! Okay, the live action one wasn’t terrible, but the cartoon ones are simply awful. And now we have them in Muppet Babies form! Yes, instead of teenage girls dressing as slores with giant eyes, now we have two year olds dressing as slores with giant eyes. What wonderful toys for your young daughters!

We need an update as to the status of The Bratz toyline since out other two reviews. Bratz was the center of a lawsuit where Mattel filed suit against MGA for infringement claiming the Bratz concept was developed by employees of Mattel who were still working at Mattel at the time. Mattel eventually won, and it was announced that the Bratz line would be pulled from store shelves after the Christmas 2008 season (the ruling was appealed and the Bratz line will be on shelves at least through 2009.) In 2009, Mattel came out with the Moxie Girlz line, which is an attempt to replace the Bratz. But then more lawyers showed up as artist Bernard “Butch” Belair declared the Bratz design was stolen from him and he sued both Mattel and MGA. Bernard “Butch” Belair claims to be from Brooklyn, NY, but I have it on good authority he is from West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where he spent most of his days…

The Bratz Babyz line was brought in as part of the Bratz strategy of flooding the market with everything Bratz in order to suck up every last cent from Mommy’s pocketbook. Bratz Babyz were epecially designed to hook young girls before they can even form complete sentences into the world of Bratz. They also were the target of several criticisms over the Bratz Babyz toys, including the “Babyz Night Out” fashion pack, the “Brattoo Parlor” playset (where your three-year-old can give herself a tramp stamp tattoo!), and the Big Babyz toys wearing what looks like thongs (but is just some plastic molding designed to prevent their skirts from riding up.)

This was the first Bratz Babyz movie, followed later by Bratz Super-Babyz, where the babies are superheroes.

Hey, that stuff was far too serious! How many of you were truely interested in the history of the Bratz Babyz franchise? Really? Well, all of you are freaks.

Bratz Babiez does us the disservice of not saying who voiced who in the credits. It’s like they are mocking me, personally. Damn you, Bratz Babiez!

Yasmin (Maryke Hendrikse) – The Latina Bratz who is the peacemaker of the group.
Cloe (???) – The blonde and default leader of the Bratz Babiez. Constantly comes up with schemes to try to make money to rescue the lost puppy, but they all blow up in her face.
Sasha (???) – Sasha is the Black Bratz who is sassy because all Black women are sassy, or so say stereotypes in movies.
Jade (???) – Jade is the Asian Bratz because we needed another ethnic group.
Nora (???) – Nora is the timid twin who loses Snappy because she is timid. Learn some self-respect, girl, or you will be working at a truck stop later in life.
Nita (???) – Nita is the mean twin who blames everything on Nora, who is too timid to stand up for herself.
Duane (???) – The evil Duane has a small brain but loves to pick on two year olds. He finds Snappy and demands $50 for the puppy’s return, thus causing the rest of the film to happen.

Is it sad I know these four main characters without cheating by now? They all have a pet or something, including Cloe’s pig with wings, Yasmin’s frog, Jade’s cat, and Sasha’s rabbit.

We open with a rap song reminiscent of the Muppet Babies theme, except about the Bratz Babyz, and they are waking up in the morning like the live action Bratz movie! Is this a common theme in the world of Bratz, awaking in the beginning of the program?

And now all four of them are singing on the toilet???????? What????

Now they are bathing…I am watching a movie that opens with cartoon baby girls singing while going potty and being naked in the bathtub and drying off. What in the frak?

Soon the song ends (but not soon enough) and the girls are now dressed, fed, and being driven to the mall by their irresponsible parents. Nita and Nora are twins girls who are late to meet the Bratz, thanks to Nora being pathetic. Why do you suck so much, baby Nora? Nita and Nora have no analogues in the adult Bratz media that I know about, and I hope my not knowing more about the Bratz media empire stays that way (but I doubt it will. I am destined to be an expert on Bratz culture due to the movie clashes.) Nora is unable to grasp the concept of putting on a shirt, while Nita tells her “Chug your milk, will ya?”

I am broken and we aren’t even at the mall yet.

Snappy and Happy are two blue puppies who are also there, because Nita and Nora need their own pets, as two year olds totally are responsible enough to look after pets. One dog gets put back in their cage, but the other sneaks into the purse of Nora who fails to notice the extra weight because she is dumb, as the previous minute of mishaps told us. We find out later the dog is Snappy, but there is no way to tell at the moment because they used the same character model for both dogs.

At the crazy baby-themed mall that no sane person would go to, the twin girls start singing as soon as their older sister takes them inside. Speaking of sane people, that must not include me as I am willingly going forward with this movie. I guess I will see you at the Baby Mall!

Some cretin looking mofo with widegap teeth and a bomb t-shirt looks all horrible and nasty, so I guess he is the villain. There is a karaoke contest worth $50 coming up, so remember that as it is part of the plot. The four main Bratz are at Ms. Calibash’s day school in the mall.

The twin girls finally show up, arguing because of Snappy the puppy (who is Nita’s puppy despite Nora accidentally bringing him.) Snappy pees on Nora and then runs off. The dog has urinated on the baby like Bratz has urinated on American culture by existing. The dog manages to escape the room, and the girls seem unable to grasp the concept of doors so he gets away. And Jade gets blamed for the pee. Sure, blame the Asian girl because a dog pees. Because…uh…something. Don’t question my fake outrage, my mind is addled thanks to the Bratz Babyz!

The girls escape out of the day care via a secret entrance through the bottom of a ball pit that dumps into the women’s dressing room. Who designed this mall, the cult that designed the building in Ghostbusters? There is a musical montage as the girls search the mall for the dog, the puppy avoiding them at every turn. Six children are being outsmarted by a puppy. They still haven’t found the dog by the end of the montage, which sort of defeats having a montage. Cloe begins to panic, for no reason, it isn’t even her dog. “Cloe, your wiggin’ is buggin’!” declares Sasha.

The dog has been found! Except the fat neanderthal Duane has the puppy! He is one of those guys who bullies two year olds, you know, a Republican. He also does the “psych!” thing to them, which is sooooo 1992. Duane has other cool quotes like “Easyo peasyo, applesauce slurpers!” I am surprised this dialogue was not nominated for an Oscar, but then I remembered the Academy is biased against movies that use Z’s for S’s. Duane names the dog Muglump, and demands $50 for her back. I like Duane. He tells the girls to win the karaoke contest and then wanders off.

The girls argue about what to do. Sasha, Yasmin, and Nita decide to try to force Duane to give the dog back, while Jade, Cloe, and Nora set out to earn $50 to pay Duane back. The moneyfinders stumble across the fountain in the mall filled with change, and they start filling their pockets. The mall cop finds them and tosses them back into daycare. Paul Blart, don’t you know you are interfering with dog rescuing business? The Bratz Babyz try to seduce the mall cop! What the heck?? Keep in mind the Bratz Babyz fail to take advantage of one of the many many many times they could have gone to an adult about the felony Duane has committed.
Bratz Babiez

The three girls just bust right out of the daycare again and challenge fellow escaped baby Cameron to a video game battle for $50.

The girls who decided to fight back steal Duane’s backpack and play keep-away with it, except the dog isn’t in there, Duane is storing her under his shirt. Yeah. Huh. Wow. I think when Duane is done with this dog the girls aren’t going to want it back.

Cloe wins the video game battle, but the problem is Cameron didn’t think it was a real bet and he doens’t have any money. Fail again, Bratz Babyz. Next they set up a pet washing service in the middle of the mall. Things soon turn messy and kiosks get ruined, and the tots are thrown back into daycare. Oh, Bratz Babyz, why do you fail so much?

Montage time as the Bratz Babyz try a number of schemes including balloon animals, caricature drawing, and miming. They fail at them all as everything ends in tears and disappointment. Bratz Babyz are failurez with a z.

Sasha’s group has followed Duane and seen him put his bag down again, they try to grab the dog and soon the food court is in chaos, and then…FOooooood fight! Are they ripping off the live action Bratz film again?

Cloe’s group has a makeover for Nora (hey, group, maybe you would have $50 if you weren’t wasting it all on makeovers and sushi for lunch!) Sasha’s group manages to get back the dog but is being chased by Duane. The Bratz Babyz makeover of Nora involves following Nora’s sister around the mall and just copying her. Way to express originality. I can feel my brain melting away as the makeover turns into a musical montage. At the same time there is a massive chase running through the mall as Duane tries to get the dog back. At one point Nita stuffs the dog in her shirt (do all shirts have puppy-carrying capability in the world of Bratz Babyz?) and tries to go all superwoman. But it all goes to pot and Duane ends up with the dog again.

The lesson is don’t try, because you will fail.

Karaoke contest time!

We get the worst rendition of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star ever sung, and it rules.

Now it is time for Nora to sing.

What the frak?

Nora is dressed as some sort of party genie!

All the other Bratz Babyz are all party genied up also.

Nora begins tank because of lack of self confidence, until Nita comes in to sing as support. Yeah, yeah. Don’t pick on your siblings. Believe in yourself. Have friends. You can do anything while also dressing as a slore. When we put our minds to it, we can do anything. Use the Force. One step for man, one giant leap for mankind. Trumpy, you can do magic things! The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. Team Rocket blasting off again!

The Bratz Babyz are declared winners before they are even done singing, which is totally unfair as I was the next act and am a way better singer. Everyone cheers the two year olds without realzing they should just be slackjawed that two year olds are doing this stuff without any adult supervision of any type.

They get the money, and are going to pay off Duane (who wants them to win a pie eating contest for him tomorrow) until Nora goes all Braveheart and says never give into a bully cause he will just come back wanting more. The Bratz Babyz decide to team up and go all Kill Bill x6 on Duane. Before the fight begins, the dog pees on Duane and he drops the dog. So the dog peeing not only started the problem, it solved the problem. Let that be a lesson to you. What lesson is it? Don’t ask you, you saw the film, you figure it out!

The Childrenz of the Cornz declare that Duane needs to get the hell out of the mall, forever! I’d make a Mallrats joke, but that’s just what you expect me to do. Duane never learns a lesson and just runs away, probably to pick on the Muppet Babies or the Tiny Toons.

Afterwards, there is a total rave at the day care center as the babies dance the night away…

Where the hell are their parents????????????

They have sacrificed these children at the altar of consumerism. Abandoning their youth at the Mall of the Damned so the debt-ridden parents are free to spend spend spend even more without extra mouths to feed. The children, oblivious to their fate, get one final night of joy before they become slaves to the mall for the rest of their natural lives, indentured servents at Orange Julius.

Bratz Babyz, people!


Rated 2/10 (Dr. Squid, Michael Moore is pleased)

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