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Magnificent Five
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Magnificent Five (Review)

April 24, 2010By

The Magnificent Five

aka Phra-dek-seua-kai-wawk

2006
Directed by Bhandit Rittakol

The Magnificent Five is a 2006 action comedy where a group of mismatched heroes band together to rescue children sold into slavery. They learn to work together and laugh and love and all that other crap, all while shooting bad guys. Set in the distant past, Magnificent Five incorporates a Swashbuckling style that seems inspired by the Pirates of the Caribbean films while being completely different in plot development and characters.

It is sort of interesting to see the character of Captain Johnson, as he is a totally evil colonial trader dude. It is not that far out of bounds, he could be just the same as the evil British and East India Tea Company characters from the Pirates of the Caribbean films, if one were to ignore the history of Thailand and colonialism in South Eastern Asia. As you may or may not know, Thailand was the only country in the area that was never colonized, but the colonies surrounding it were played off of each other by Thai rulers. Thus, unlike films from places such as Indonesia, there is not a whole ton of films where patriotic nationals fight off oppressive colonial forces against long odds. So is Captain Johnson an evil symbol of colonial aggression, or just a handy stereotype to make a bad guy out of? You make the call!

Like many Thai films, the exact translations and spellings of character names is a jumbled mess. So I will be going with a set translation of everyone’s name, but also listing the alternative names for each of the characters. Maybe one day I will bother to learn enough Thai that I will have a set translation scheme preference, but my crippling laziness will probably prevent that from ever happening.

Suer (Jesdaporn Pholdee) – A Thai cool tough guy and legendary warrior, but he’s also a lazy drunk. He’s the best fighter in all of Thailand, thanks to his grand strategy of just walking up to people and shooting them. Jesdaporn Pholdee was voted the Sexiest Man in Thailand in 2003 and has roles in the Iron Ladies films as well as Queens of Langkasuka. His name is sometimes subtitled as Seua. (Nickname: Tiger)
Raka (Paula Taylor) – A whipmaster and tough girl who helps rescue the kids and has some bitter vengeance on her mind. Paula Taylor is a Thai/British model/actress/game show constestant who is also a big name in the Philippines. Her name is sometimes subtitled as Rakaa. (Nickname: Chicken)
Mahah Thong Suk (Note Chern-Yim) – A monk who fled his village after standing up to some rude colonials who can’t stand the fact a non-white guy talked to them. Whatever he warns against comes true. Eventually joins the crew to rescue the kids. His name is sometimes subtitled as Phra. (Nickname: Monk)
Sum Lee (Koti Arambawy) – The bomb-crazy kid and thief partner of Raka who gets very angry at monkeys. His name is sometimes subtitled as Dek. (Nickname: Kid)
Worg (Sarawut Mardthong) – A guy who sells medical herbs, until he’s dragged into the mess with escaped thieves and kidnapped children. Has special herbs that will turn you gay. His name is sometimes subtitled as Wawk. (Nickname: Monkey)
Captain Johnson (Damian Mavis) – A White guy so he’s evil. Okay, he’s evil because he’s selling children into slavery and it looks like he molests little girls as well.
Master Kajorn (???) – A Slave Trader who runs mines that are worked exclusively by slaves, along with owning lots of lands that anyone who passes by must give him tribute.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Örümcek (Review)

March 13, 2010By

Örümcek


1972
Directed and Written by Taner Oguz

The last time we had a Turkish Spiderman, he was a pot-bellied, bushy-eyebrowed psychopath who had nine lives and it took the combined might of Captain America and El Santo to take him down. This Turkish Spiderman goes by the name Orumcek and dresses like he was on the way to Space Cadet school and took a detour down wacky hero alley. His costume would not look unusual dressed upon a Japanese super hero such as Prince of Space of Space Chief or Starman.

Like most Turkish films of the era the print is tore up and there seems to be chunks of it missing. That’s what happens when the military takes over and no one cares about cultural preservation of your countries film history. At least the negatives didn’t get melted down for the silver nitrate, like so many other films now sadly gone.

Even with only one hour of film remaining, there is quite a lot going on. So much that I am sure some of my guesses are completely wrong. This is without subtitles, but at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! The main plot has to do with treasure thieves, but there is gun running, wine running, and bad nightclub singing. I think there might be undercover agents in the evil gang, but just who they are I am not sure.

Turkish films made around this time are all heavily influenced by American serials, and when combined with the normal Turkish quirks such as every guy having mustaches and being macho macho men, the super hero films all come out with their own distinct flavor. Be it Turkish Phantom or Turkish Phantom, it is undeniably Turkish. Orumcek is Turkish for spider, so to be Spiderman he would be Orumcek Adam, but that ain’t the movie title so we’re just calling him Orumcek. Is he strong? Listen bud, he’s got TURKISH blood!

There looks like there is one more Turkish Spiderman film, which probably no longer exists (I can’t find my links to the photos of the film or its title and production year.) There is also a 1966 Turkish crime film called Orumcek Adam, but that does not appear to be a super hero film.

Orumcek/Spiderman (Hüseyin Zan) – Orumcek is a space cadet or something. I give Turkey props for having this super hero not being just a costume copy but in fact his own man. Orumcek has his SpiderMotorcycle that has a machine gun built into it. Orumcek punches jerks, bangs women, and kicks Peter Parker in the butt. I like how Orumcek has both goggles and a visor
Erol (Hüseyin Zan) – He is Spiderman! He’s also a guy who gets beat up a lot. Okay.
Main Female Babe (???) – The main female character whose entire job is to take care of Erol and get into danger so Orumcek can save her. Works as a nightclub singer because that makes the movie longer.
Bald Villain Guy (???) – The evil mastermind behind the treasure theft/gun running/wine smuggling/whatever they are doing. He may be named Shep or something similar. He is responsible for Spiderman 3 being so horrible, and also for the franchise being rebooted. Don’t gorget the Spider Clone saga and One More Day. What a jerk!
Evil Biff Tannen (???) – What is Alternate 1985 Biff Tannen doing in Orumcek? Whatever it is, it isn’t good, as he’s evil here, too! That Biff Tannen, always trying to pull a fast one…
Evil Blonde Girlfriend (???) – Bald Villain Guy’s girlfriend who is so loyal she has sex on the floor of a cave with another guy.

Golden Nun
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Golden Nun (Review)

February 6, 2010By

Golden Nun


1977HKMDB Link
Directed and written by Tyrone Hsu Tien-Yung

Golden Nun is another in a long line of Taiwanese flicks that are pretty much unknown here and filled with goofy things. In this instance, we got a bald headed lady monk who fights a ghost girl, and at one point this bald nun becomes golden. Thus, the title. Does it make sense? Hell no! But why let that stop you? Taiwanese films are like…films…that….stuff. Yeah. Uh. Okay, maybe I need an actual metaphor and should stop winging it. So there have been more Taiwanese films than usual reviewed here recently, largely due to the fact I got a hold of a bunch of odd ones and am cranking them out slowly but surely.

What is weirdest about Golden Nun is that it is a musical! Inspired by Chinese opera stuff so there are a few random songs. The first one comes out of nowhere, but you get used to them.

Names are best guesses based on dialogue, they might be completely wrong, but too bad! Since this review is about it for English language mentions of Golden Nun, you are going to take what you can get and like it! We have no subtitles and no patience. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinkin’ subtitles!

Sai Yu-Chan (Lam Dai) – golden nun Lam Dai actually shaved her head for this role (or a few other roles, it looks like she is bald in a few movies.) In addition to starring in Golden Nun, Lam Dai also had a role in 13 Golden Nuns, released the same year but probably unrelated. She is also in a movie called Wolf Girl
Sing Wei-a (Lee Tao Hung) – Main guy who gets involved in all the wacky adventures with his bald girlfriend and ghost wife. Wacky wacky wacky. Too bad he is so boring.
Shiu Jiu-wa (Hu Chin) – Is she or isn’t she? Only her mortician knows for sure! Hu Chin was in The Fate of Lee Khan, so she gets forgiven for the fact the rest of her career looks like it was nothing but trash like this.
Taoist Priest (Tien Feng) – Tien Feng was Lee Khan in The Fate of Lee Khan, and also plays bad dudes in many other films, so he rules, even if he isn’t Lam Ching-Ying and therefore not the best Taoist Priest ever. Thus, he gets killed.
Pervy Guy (Lor Tok) – Lor Tok from James Band 007? What are you doing here? I guess his popularity in Thai films translated to making the big money in Taiwan. He basically has an extended cameo as a pervy guy who gets offed by the ghostly Shiu Jiu-wa.

Honey Bunny Wildcats in Strip Royale
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Secret Undercover Agent: Wild Cats in Strip Royale (Review)

November 20, 2009By

Secret Undercover Agent: Wild Cats in Strip Royale

aka Himitsu Sennyu Sosakan – Wild Cats in Strip Royale

2008
Directed by Keiichi Kobayashi

Secret Undercover Agent Wildcats in Strip Royale continues the tradition of having weird microchips in fashion accessories that do amazing things started in the previous film. Wildcats in Strip Royale also continues the tradition of the film looking freaking gorgeous. The cinematographer should be doing mainstream work in Hollywood, not Japanese DTV exploitation trash. But Hollywood’s loss is our gain! In fact, a lot of directors in Japan get their start doing trashy exploitation work. That’s partially why a lot of the 1970s Sukeban films look so good, along with the hundreds of detective films and pinku films.

The biggest news of the sequel is that Haruna Yabuki left, and was replaced by Reon Kadena. As Reon Kadena has a much higher profile, this announcement caused a large amount of internet buzz that the first film just didn’t have. Although the internet buzz was pretty much “Hey, Reon Kadena is in a movie!” it was enough to raise the profile of the film far above the nothing the predecessor had.

Wildcats in Strip Royale does have a few other things going for it. It is obvious the actresses are having more fun in this one, Yuuri Morishita especially. Some of the costumes are pretty ridiculous and funner than in the original (the cats suits are actual cat suits!) and the plot is easier to follow without subtitles. Yes, that’s right, TarsTarkas.NET doesn’t need no stinking subtitles! I still don’t know the name of their agency or of some of the minor players, but such is life.

Quick lesson for everyone: In Japan, there are these supermodel girls called Idols. Some of them are just models, some do more than that such as singing and/or acting. The big Idols pull in a ton of cash, then marry some rich guy and retire. The lesser Idols do car shows and mall openings and marry midlevel accountants. Most of the bigger Idols have followings all over the web, and there are guys who just scan photobooks of models all day, or host websites that just catalog Idol pictures and news. Idols can specialize in certain genres, like the gravure Idols that star in the film, there are also AV Idols which is a nicer way of saying porn stars. This film will talk of Pure Idols, which is another term used but I don’t know exactly what it means. And let’s not forget the Idols who are thrown so whips can be received.

Honey (Reon Kadena) – Honey has changed! Is it no longer Haruna Yabuki and is now Reon Kadena. Also gone is a lot of the tough loner girl stuff Haruna Yabuki did, Reon’s take of Honey is snobbish at first, then she becomes totally into the Idol world. Honey is still down to business and will beat up guys all the time, so hooray for that! Check out the Reon Kadena Gallery
Bunny (Yuuri Morishita) – The simple and sweet agent with the big rack. Bunny now spends a lot of the film bending over while wearing a short skirt or dress. See Yuuri Morishita in Monster X Strikes Back and on her gallery page.
Capp (????) – We call this guy Capp because we aren’t sure of his character’s name. He is the agent in charge of this little spy ring.
Saki (Minami Otomo) – Reception girl for the spy agency, also specializes as a bartender when doing undercover work in big stings. Although she has more lines in this film, she still doesn’t seem to do much.
Nervous Guy (???) – The other male agent in the spy agency, Nervous Guy is sort of shy but doesn’t really do much except provide someone for Capp to talk to when the girls are undercover. Joins in on big stings like Saki does. I am not sure of his character’s name, either.
Shitagi (Fumie Nakajima) – The evil boss from the previous film shows up again. We also find out she is working for someone even more evil.
Kaori (???) – The new girl and Pure Idol who wants the Wildcats to investigate a series of Nude Pure Idol incidences. I will investigate that for free.

Honey Bunny Secret Undercover Agents
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Secret Undercover Agent: Honey & Bunny (Review)

November 16, 2009By

Secret Undercover Agent: Honey & Bunny

aka Himitsu Sennyuu Sousakan: Honey & Bunny

2007
Directed by Keiichi Kobayashi
Written by Yoshiyuki Morita

From the land of Japan comes the first of the Secret Undercover Agent films, what is basically a showcase for two gravure idols. For those of you who don’t speak Japanophile, gravure idols are models that pose almost naked, but not quite naked. Thus we have no nudity and have to make due with implied nudity. Don’t blame me for the lack of naked chicks, this is purely a Japanese phenomenon. The two gravure idols are Haruna Yabuki and Yuuri Morishita.

The plot of this and the sequel is there is a secret organization whose name I haven’t ever figured out that does James Bond-type work in the fashion industry. So I am guessing Zoolander was also an inspiration. This allows for the girls to wear lots of skimpy outfits, while at the same time there being action and other things happening. What makes the Secret Undercover Agent movies stand out is they are beautifully shot. They seriously have some of the best cinematography I have ever seen in what is essentially an exploitation film. The film was written by Yoshiyuki Morita and directed by Keiichi Kobayashi, so they get the majority of the credit and blame.

The DVDs come lacking English subtitles, so there will be certain things we are guessing at. At TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! Another guess is at some of the character names, our rudimentary translation skills were put to the test and found lacking (partially because I didn’t want to devote three times the amount of time trying to find out a character’s name than I was spending writing the whole review!)

Now, we must try not to let exploitation films speak for a culture as a whole, though it does speak for a subculture of the main culture. Do you want Japan judging us based solely on The Hills Have Eyes 2? As far as exploitation flicks go this is pretty tame and would barely even qualify, if it wasn’t so blatant on showing off the gravure girls it could even pass itself off as a comedy.

Honey (Haruna Yabuki) – Shoe-throwing tough girl who spends most of the film not trying to care about anyone. I embarrassed by the smallness of her mammaries. Haruna Yabuki is a gravure model so there are a lot of pictures of her in skimpy clothes around the internet. She does not return for the sequel and the role of Honey is recast. But check out this gallery of images!
Bunny (Yuuri Morishita) – The newest agent, simple and sweet, also has a big rack. Said sweetness and big rackness makes Honey treat her with disdain at first. Yuuri Morishita can also be seen in Monster X Strikes Back.
Capp (???) – We call this guy Capp because we aren’t sure of his character’s name, though it might be Kamakita or Hanzai. He is the agent in charge of this little spy ring, and spends most of the film lusting after Honey.
Saki (Minami Otomo) – Reception girl for the spy agency, also specializes as a bartender when doing undercover work in big stings.
Nervous Guy (????) – The other male agent in the spy agency, Nervous Guy is sort of shy but doesn’t really do much except provide someone for Capp to talk to when the girls are undercover. Joins in on big stings like Saki does. I am not sure of his character’s name, but it might be Hacebe.
Shitagi (Fumie Nakajima) – The boss where Bunny interviewing for a job as a bondage gravure model and involved in some sort of illegal shenanigans. Is a fashion dictator, but manages to escape in the end. I am not sure what her name is, but she was involved in launching the Shitagi Collection so we are calling her Shitagi.

InBad, Movie Reviews

Spy With My Face (Review)

August 27, 2009By

Spy With My Face

aka Black Rose vs. Black Rose aka Hei mei gui yu hei mei gui aka 黑玫瑰與黑玫瑰

1966
Directed by Chor Yuen
Written by Poon Faan
Spy With My Face
The sequel to 1965’s Black Rose has a greatly expanded scope, as the Chan sisters go from being champions of the poor to outright superheroes who take down a sinister secret gang intent on robbing jewelry from all over the city. The James Bond influence is very heavy, as there are a lot of gadgets, microbombs, disguises, and hidden identities. The film also has what sounds like an original score that is rather well done as well (and also Bond influenced).
Spy With My Face
The review of Black Rose has miniprofiles of Nam Hung, Connie Chan, Patrick Tse, and Chor Yuen, so we don’t have to do it here! Hooray for laziness! We also have the overviews of the Jane Bond genre and other interesting links there so we don’t have to link it again here. Spy With My Face is notable because this film was where Connie Chan eclipsed Nam Hung and became a bona fide Hong Kong superstar.

Spy With My Face
A color print does survive in the HKFA vault, but the VCD release is a black and white dub probably made for TV. This sucks, because it would be great to see all the funky colors. At this point in time Cantonese cinema was on the decline as the Shaw Brothers were becoming the standard with their high production values and massive use of color. Shaw was also putting out their own spy films at this time, some with female leads as well.

Once again we have no subtitles, but TarsTarkas.NET doesn’t need no stinking subtitles! And the wife translated about half of the film before deciding it was time for bed, so the rest I just followed along the story as best I could. It all works out fine.

Spy With My Face

Chan Mei-Yi (Nam Hung) – The older Chan sister, who is freed from the constant attention of rich bachelors because she spends the whole film helping her friend Cheung. Is Black Rose along with her younger sister.
Chan Mei-Ling (Connie Chan Po-Chu) – The younger Chan sister who is sassy and tough. She doesn’t put up with bad guys’ crap and would just as soon beat the tar out of them as look at them.
Black Rose (Nam Hung and Connie Chan Po-Chu) – Black Rose moves up from Robin Hood thief to gangbuster as the Black Roses save an entire city from an evil criminal element while saving their friend at the same time. Remember, it is only good to steal if you steal from those who deserve to lose it.
Cheung Man Fu (Patrick Tse Yin) – Insurance investigator and subject of Chan Mei-Yi’s attraction. Gets himself caught up in a nasty situation and replaced with an evil duplicate.
Gold Boss (Cheung Wood-Yau) – All my wife could translate of his name was Gold _____ – so we will call him Gold Boss. If he doesn’t like it, he can get bent. Gold Boss runs the secret society that kidnaps Cheung to rob all sorts of rich people. He’s also a refugee from a Mexican Wrestling film. Cheung Wood-Yau was in film for almost thirty years at this point, and only made a few more films before retiring in 1969 (with one later appearance in 1980’s Duel of Death.)
Fake Cheung Man Fu / #1 (Patrick Tse Yin) – Fake Cheung is the most worthless gang member on the team. Had he not undergone surgery to look like Cheung he would be #0 as he would have been fired. Was saving your job really worth the pain? Despite looking like Cheung, he totally doesn’t act like Cheung at all and dresses in dark shirts and sunglasses in order to look like a gangster, thus keeping his innocent insurance investigator cover. Fake Cheung is not the sharpest of tacks.
#2 (Fung Ngai) – The mute gang member. Only a mute guy would put up with being named #2, because that means you can’t hear him complain! Fung Ngai also played #1 in fellow 1966 spy film The Golden Buddha. Among his many other film appearances is Come Drink With Me.
#3 (Wong Hon) – The nerdy gang member who is fourth in charge and has confidence problems. Wong Hon was a Chor Yuen regular, appearing as a policeman in Black Rose, a doctor in Intimate Confessions of a Chinese Courtesan, and many other Chor Yuen films.

Spy With My Face

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