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Valley of the Wolves: Iraq

Valley of the Wolves: Iraq (Review)

Valley of the Wolves: Iraq

aka Kurtlar vadisi – Irak

2006
Starring
Necati Sasmaz as Polat Alemdar
Billy Zane as Sam William Marshall
Ghassan Massoud as Sheikh Abdurrahman Halis Karuki
Gürkan Uygun as Memati Bas
Bergüzar Korel as Leyla
Kenan Çoban as Abdülhey Çoban
Erhan Ufak as Erhan Ufak
Diego Serrano as Dante, Sam’s assistant (aka Fauxhawk)
Gary Busey as Doctor
Directed by Serdar Akar

Now THIS is a controversial film!! It’s very existence lead to a flurry of fury on the blogosphere, which quickly sped to the TV pundits looking for things to scream about. The movie became super-hyped for three reasons: The US is portrayed as villains, a Jewish doctor steals organs, and actual American actors are involved. This quickly gained the film notoriety in the US, however it was already generating a huge buzz in Turkey. Besides being the most expensive Turkish movie ever made (though that’s kind of like being the tallest midget), it was a follow-up to one of the most popular TV programs in Turkey, Valley of the Wolves (Kurtlar vadisi), a Turkish drama about undercover cops in the mafia (which had notable American Guest Stars Sharon Stone and Andy Garcia.) It was confusing in the US press at the time what the connection actually was, but it turns out several of the main characters then make their way to Iraq to deal with insolent Americans. Make no mistake, the “Americans” in this film are a big pack of bad. Think of it as Muslim’s revenge for film after film with Muslim villains, such as True Lies and Midnight Express (which had a whole prison of Turkish horrors.)


American actors Billy Zane and Gary Busey are in this film. Zane stars as the villain Sam William Marshall, who dresses like he was on the way to be a villain in an Indiana Jones film who thinks he’s a Bond villain. As the main evil character, he helps organize the Americans’ in their shenanigans in Iraq, from putting Turkish troops in hoods to pumping hot lead into wedding parties. Gary Busey plays the most over the top character (well, of those too, there’s another American who’s even crazier!), a Jewish doctor who spends the movie removing organs from healthy innocent Iraqis picked up in raiding parties, for quick delivery to New York, Israel, and other places where Jewish people are. Busey’s concern for his victims exists only because he wants them alive when he chops them open. Several scenes happen where he’s yelling at people about the mistreatment of the captives, but it turns out only so he can have better victims. One may wonder why these two Americans are playing such ridiculous roles. Well, Billy Zane is hot of BloodRayne, while Busey actually moved up from work such as Gingerdead Man. Regardless, these controversial roles could backfire on them, but neither actor is such a box office draw that their name will decline sales. Most of their films are either direct to video, or should be. Turkish actor Necati Sasmaz is Polat Alemdar, the hero of Valley of the Wolves TV show. Originally, he was planning to move to the US< but his flight on September 11th ended up being canceled for obvious reasons, so he stayed in Turkey and then became a huge star. Ghassan Massoud plays the Sheikh Abdurrahman Halis Karuki, and is probably best know for playing Saladin in Kingdom of Heaven.

The film itself presents several ideas, and is more complicated than simply a hit piece against America. In fact, the film seems to take a decidedly anti-violence tone. Several scenes attack radical Muslims just as other attack American occupiers. In the recap, we shall address such themes when they pop up, as well as trying to give an overall picture of what is going on. The film is very long, around two hours, and is full of incidents both based on reality and far from the realm of fiction. Well, we won’t get anywhere rattling on about the film, let’s experience it…

Death Warrior

Death Warrior (Review)

Death Warrior

aka Ölüm savasçisi

1984
Starring
Cüneyt Arkin as Inspector Kemal
??? as Evil Turkish Chuck Norris
??? as Turkish Oliver Hardy
??? as Exploding Iguana Woman

Cuneyt Arkin fights a gang of ninjas in this classic movie direct from Turkey! Cuneyt Arkin proves once again he is the king of Turkish cinema, in this non-stop Turkeywood marathon of action! When ninjas attack America, who do you call? That’s right, Turkey! What Turkey lacks on budget they try to make up for with pumping the film full of gratuitous blood and murder, with lots of fighting action. This film is part of the fine Turkish tradition of being ridiculously over the top and yet, oh, so appealing. Subtitles are not needed to enjoy this masterpiece, which is part of the fun. Knowing the little details would just distract us from the “wow” factor. Cuneyt Arkin is just as action star spectacular in Death Warrior as he was in Turkish Star Wars. Over the top is rarely this fun!

Turkish Wizard of Oz

Turkish Wizard of Oz

aka Aysecik ve sihirli cüceler rüyalar ülkesinde aka Aysecik and the Bewitched Dwarfs in Dreamland

1971
Starring
Zeynep Degirmencioglu as Aysecik AKA Dorothy
Suleyman Turan as Korkulu AKA Scarecrow
Metin Serezli as Teneke Koruadam AKA Tin Woodman
Suna Selen as Kotu Cadi AKA Wicked Witch of the West
Ali Sen as Korkak Aslan AKA Cowardly Lion
Cemal Konca as The Great Wizard Keskin Zeka

Another Turkish remake??? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aysecik ve sihirli cüceler rüyalar ülkesinde

This time, the land of Turks and Keys has brought us a remake of The Wizard of Oz, which is amazingly more faithful to the book at certain points than the big budget Hollywood version. It still manages to veer off into random directions, and is full of insane dancing, a gay scarecrow, and special effects that can be done better by three year olds. The previous Turkish filmsTurkish Exorcist, Turkish Spiderman, Turkish Star Trek, Turkish Star Wars, and Kilink Istanbul’da, have all been a barrel of laughs, horrors, and monkeys. Okay, no monkeys. No monkeys in here, either. Not even the winged variety. Sigh… This film continues the fine Turkish film tradition of making the audience say “What in the Hell?”

Kilink Istanbul’da

Kilink Istanbul’da

aka Kilink in Istanbul

1967
Starring (best guesses here)
Yildirim Gencer as Kilink (Killing)
Irfan Atasoy as Shazem
Muzaffer Tema as Prof. Cemil (Professor Lucy)
Mine Soley as Bespectacled Blonde Babe Assistant
??? as Turkish Grandpa Al Lewis
Directed by Yilmaz Atadeniz


Looks like an old serial chopped up and combined in movie form. It doesn’t even have an ending! There was supposed to be a whole series of these starring Kilink or Killing. In this one he’s evil, but he’s more of an anti-hero. Maybe I can track one of the others down sometime soon. This one itself took me three years trekking in uncharted Asian rain forests searching for a lost Temple of the Hubatonga tribe, only to have my guide Hadji betray me and sell me for a couple of magic beans to a cannibal witch, from who I stole this video during my escape. (Ebay, $8)

Turist Omer Star Trek Turkish

Turist Omer Uzay Yolunda (Review)

Turist Omer Uzay Yolunda

aka Turist Omer in Star Trek aka Turkish Star Trek

1973
Starring
Sadri Alisik as Turist Omer
Erol Amac as Mister Spak (yes, Spak)
Cemil Sahbaz as Kaptan Kirk
Ferdi Merter as Duktur McCoy
Fusun (aka Fusun Olgac) as Uhura
Yilmaz Sahin as Scoty

More Turkish Shenanigans. Actually early Turkish film, from when ripping off American films had not been perfected. Yet this wholesale rip off of Star Trek not only has the honor of being the first Star Trek movie ever made, but features ripped off opening credits, ripped off music, ripped off sound effects. The Director went to the trouble of creating sets that look good enough you know what they are supposed to be despite the fact they probably cost eight cents on a six cents budget. If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if an obnoxious dirty greasy Turkish guy was transported into the middle of the Star Trek episode The Man Trap then this is the movie for you. Too bad you are probably trapped in an asylum somewhere instead of free to track down Turkish films. Turist Omer is from a series of films involving said greasy cowboy hatted oaf encountering various wacky scenarios and hijinks ensue. The first Turist Omer dates to 1964, and he’s also been in Turist Omer dumenciler krali (1965 – no clue on the translation), and Turist Omer Almanya’da (1966 – Turist Omer in Germany). This was the last of the series that I am aware of, though I wouldn’t be surprised if there were thirty more entries that will never be seen again due to the state of Turkish film preservation (Which may be doing us a favor, as some of these films could be dangerous in the wrong hands. Imagine Osama bin Laden taking over the airwaves and sending us non-stop Turkish dramas? The horror is too great to imagine. Sadri Alisik is sadly no longer with us, taken before Turist Omer could invade the Star Wars universe.

Turkish Star Wars

Turkish Star Wars (Review)

Turkish Star Wars

aka Dunyayi kurtaran adam

1982

Starring

Cuneyt Arkin as ??? (Never Caught his name)
Aytekin Akkaya as Ali
??? as The Wizard

Star Wars. One of the greatest movies ever made. It inspired an entire generation of film makers. An icon. And now, a low budget Turkish Rip-off! Yes, the Turkish have gotten a hold of Star Wars and yanked scenes for their own space fantasy extravaganza. As you may expect, it is quite a different movie, full of bad costumes and nonsensical plot. Imagine the biggest trainwreck you can possibly imagine. This is so…so…so Turkish Star Wars that you will ignore the gigantic trainwreck to catch a glimpse of this feature. I managed to get a subtitled version, and yet most of the plot still makes little or no sense. This is a long one, as a lot happens, and many things are confusing, frustrating, or just insane. But it’s a Hell of a ride.