GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra

2009
Directed by Stephen Sommers

We all knew GI Joe was going to get a movie the second Transformers made a gajillion dollars at the theaters and suddenly every toy franchise in the universe got a movie deal (coming this summer…Starriors: The Movie!) and GI Joe was the other major 80s toy line Hasbro had. So the question is, would it be as horrible as the Transformers franchise? Surprisingly, GI Joe is not as terrible as Transformers. Or maybe it isn’t that surprising, as it is pretty hard to be as terrible as Transformers. Entire generations have lived and died and not made a movie as horrible as Transformers 2, but that is another review for another time. Now, we dip out pen into the mediocre ink that is GI Joe.

The GI Joe toy line started in 1964 with 12-inch action figures (in fact, the GI Joe line invented the term action figure. I have to pay them $3 every time I use the term “action figure”) and the modern 3 3/4 inch line began in 1982. As that is the line that was around when I was a kid, it is the best line ever and all others pale in comparison. The modern GI Joe line were dubbed “A Real American Hero” and spent their time fighting a terrorist group known as Cobra that wished to conquer the world. As those who watch the cartoon are aware, Cobra would come up with a lunatic plan to take over the world, GI Joe would bumble into the middle of it, Snake Eyes would breakdance, Cobra Commander would have a Trillion dollar secret base shaped like a 6 mile high giant cobra, and Shipwreck would get drunk and puke on Scarlett. Then the plan is foiled and Cobra Commander and crew get away, with no casualties ever. Except a few in the comic book (and some in that multi-part alternate universe cartoon episode that was awesome!)

So now, with the US actually in a controversial war on terror and the international fallout of such war, one wondered what that would do to the GI Joe movie. Because, nowadays, many movies make more money overseas than in the US. And, amazingly enough, movies where the USA runs around and blows up whoever they want willy-nilly doesn’t get a lot over play overseas. Movie studios are soulless corporations that desire only one thing: mad money. Sorry to burst your bubble if you thought movie studios cared about telling good stories, but the recent trend of rebooting everything under the sun should have opened the eyes of the few of you still living in the dark. Thus, GI Joe is now a multi-national secret organization. To prove how multi-national they are, they have two foreign dudes. This generated some controversy among pundits, but pundits are morons, so who cares what they think. The main thing is they changed things a bit from when I was a kid, and thus they raped my childhood with a red hot poker. Sideways.

Actually, I don’t care that much. What I do like the least about this film is it is an origin story. Why do we need an origin? Who cares how GI Joe got started, I want to see them blast up some Vipers! Save the origins for the tie-in comics. I am sick of origins. What’s next, a prequel showing us what Lil’ Duke did in high school and how Cobra Commander had sex with a pie? Because if Eugene Levy is in it, I’ll go see it. No I won’t.

They did two things to try to appeal to an international audience. First, they got the most British-est US president they could find. The last time someone that British was in charge of the USA, we were thirteen colonies shooting from behind fences. Second, GI Joe is now an international team. In fact, G.I.J.O.E. is now an acronym for “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity.” Someone get the rape whistle!

So do you like nanotechonology? Because this movie will nanotechnology the frak out of you! If you believe this movie, nanotechnology can do anything! Every scene is just “Nanotech, nanotech, nanotech!” and then things blow up. Nanotech is this movie’s magic fairy dust. It explains everything, even what the writers are too dumb to explain properly themselves. Nanotech also explains why I am reviewing this so late, because I was fighting a nanotech virus. I nanostabbed it in its nanosoul, and it nanodied.

We’re going to assume you are familiar with the 1980s cartoon for the purposes of this review, so if you ain’t, jokes are going to fly over your head. So you better be prepared! Because knowing is half the battle…

Captain Duke Hauser (Channing Tatum) – Duke is in the House! Wait a minute, I thought Duke was his code name? Oh, well. Duke is the main character and he was also best buddies with Cobra Commander and was dating the Baroness until they all went evil, so now he is in GI Joe. Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) – We need a Wayans brother in this movie or it ain’t a GI Joe flick! Ripcord is an army dude who always wanted to fly jets, which is why he joined the army and not the air force or the marines. General Abernathy / Hawk (Dennis Quaid) –General Hawk runs GI Joe, but after he gets injured the Joes pretty much run themselves and Hawk doesn’t seem that useful. Scarlett (Rachel Nichols) – Shana O’Hara has red hair and will kick your butt. That’s her entire character. Snake Eyes (Ray Park) – The mute ninja dude who was so cool in the cartoon is now cool in real life. Except for the fact his character has fake molded lips on his costume! What in the world were they thinking? And he doesn’t get Scarlett, she’s too busy being picked up by Ripcord. Sorry, Darth Maul! Breaker (Saïd Taghmaoui) – Let’s add a French Moroccan dude to GI Joe! No one will notice! Oddly enough, this Breaker is more memorable than the original Breaker, of which I remember nothing except that he died. Heavy Duty (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje) – It’s….that guy! I don’t remember him from the old series, and barely remember him in the film. That’s not Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje’s fault, that is the movie’s fault for being terrible. Destro (Christopher Eccleston) – James McCullen is Destro, the military hardware company executive who goes all terrorist to increase sales….um….I’m not sure why he went evil. But now he has a metal head! Rex Lewis / Cobra Commander / Dr. Mindbender (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) – Okay, he isn’t the real Dr. Mindbender, but he spends half the film pretending to be. Like Cobra Commander would spend most of the film in hiding. With his ego, he’d be out and in front. This is a guy who carved his face into the moon! Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) – Snake Eyes’s nemesis who shows up here because we need to complete the Snake Eyes arc. Won’t kill women, which makes him sort of honorable. In the comics he was framed, but here he’s too dead for us to find out if he was framed. But he’ll probably be back in the sequel. The Baroness (Sienna Miller) –The Baroness is really named Anastasia ‘Ana’ DeCobray because we gotta be very obvious about how she’s affiliated with Cobra. She also used to date Duke and is the sister of Cobra Commander. And she’s being controlled by nanobots because hot women would never be evil by choice! Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) –He’s the master of disguise who doesn’t have giant face tattoos and a changing face color. Which means he can actually do disguises better! Actually pulled off rather well.