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Sexy Assassins

Sexy Assassins


2012
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Nichols

Sexy Assassins
The best art protection in town!

Mainline Releasing throws down with another softcore crime film, this time taking place in the world of assassins. It’s hard to be an assassin for hire, what with the murdering of people and the fact you have constant, constant sex (which one would think would get in the way of the murdering, but don’t worry, Sexy Assassins figured an out!) But it is nigh time that these valiant sexy assassins got their due in movie form.

If Sexy Assassins is anything, it’s a low-budget film that looks a lot less low-budget than you would think. MRG does not skimp on the cinematography, and while I wouldn’t call things overly creative, it is professionally shot and lit, looking theater-quality good. The lower budget shines through with the lack of characters and the fact no one seems to go out in public. Every room is obviously a room in someone’s house, be it the office of a hotel. In fact, some parts of this house I recall from other films where people are bumping uglies. Either that, or I’m starting to merge all these giant Hollywood mansions that get rented out into one super mansion. Which could also be the case.

Sexy Assassins is just a straightforward assassins trying to figure out who the traitor is plot, and as there are only so many characters, only so many can be guilty. Besides that, it’s most notable feature is the mirroring of the beginning and ending sex scene and its violent conclusion. While Justine Joli is smothering her target during the throws of passion, she comes off as powerful and in control, taking down a man who probably deserved it. When Jason Sarcinelli does the same to Michelle Maylene in the end, it comes out more disturbing, with shades of domestic violence. Even though we know that her character Serena tried to kill both Sarcinelli and Joli’s characters. She’s guilty and has been seen doing so in the film, and possibly will be killing Sarcinelli seconds later. Yet it just feels weird, because he’s obviously so much more powerful than her. Also SPOILERS!

Sexy Assassins
Please don’t read this screencap, it is classified. Thank you.

Justine Joli’s sex is very into it as opposed to Michelle Maylene’s more laid back and talking sex enjoyment. Both of the actresses are primed to be more vocal and pornographic in their performances, which give more enthusiastic life the proceedings as things become raw passion. Sex seems a matter of life and death in importance, and it literally is!

While Sexy Assassins looks cool, the disturbing end just throws a big damper on the whole thing. It becomes more of a snuff film, or those old roughies where the sexy was usually ended with heinous violence as a substitution for sexual release. Your enjoyment depends on just how you respond to such things. Despite that, I like the Tina Hawthorne/David Nichols team (assuming those aren’t just pseudonyms for the same person!), they brought us Naughty Reunion and their films go over a bit of emotional things that other softcores don’t bother with.

Layla Clapton (Justine Joli) – A sexy assassin that is one of the few people who can wear an “Everything I kill I fuck” shirt non-ironically. Soon finds out the sexy assassin business might be a bit more treacherous than it seems. Layla Clapton, eh? Where is her sister, Tears In Heaven Domino?
Serena (Michelle Maylene) – Layla’s secretary, who claims to believe Layla’s cover story as a security consultant, but secretly knows the score, and is looking for a score of her own! Michelle Maylene can also be seen in Cougar School, The Teenie Weenie Bikini Squad, and Twilight Vamps Lust At First Bite
Max Houser (Jason Sarcinelli) – A simple messenger, or a master sexy assassin? Well, this isn’t called Sexy Messengers! Hired to kill Layla, but knows bigger things will happen if things change.
Damon (Michael O’Sullivan) – Layla’s manager who gives her new assignments and handles the business side of things. But he’s a businessman first and a loyal businessman second.
Mason (Spencer Houston Hill) – Layla’s tech guy who takes care of the computer things, does hacking,, fingerprint ID, all that fun stuff. In exchange, he does fun stuff with Layla.
Sexy Assassins
She handcuffed me and then stole the frame from the painting!

Naughty Reunion

Naughty Reunion


2011
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Nichols

Naughty Reunion
I’m too cool for school, and too cool for school reunions!

It’s high school reunion time! Remember your high school reunion, when it was basically a big orgy… Oh, wait, no high school reunion is like that. Except the one in Naughty Reunion! If you’re like me, then you already keep in contact with people you liked from high school thanks to the magic of Facebook and email, thus making high school reunions something to not even bother caring about. I don’t really care how bald and fat everyone I didn’t like got, because high school is high school and I’m an adult.

There is a recurring fantasy of people returning to high school reunions as successful and finally getting that hot girl who is somehow still hot and yet strangely single years later. Naughty Reunion brings that up to 11, as everyone is back to get with someone from high school, even if they don’t outright say they are (and the majority of the characters just say it out loud and proud!) Naughty Reunion does try to say a few things about how people are more than the stereotypes they were in high school. Jax is a bad boy, but also a master mechanic and autocad specialist. Dale is the popular jock with massive insecurities about not accomplishing anything on his own. Kelly is the popular girl who just wants to be popular….okay, maybe everyone doesn’t escape their assigned role. In fact, the general roles helps because everyone will begin to associate themselves with some of the characters or see their friends reflected in them. That’s one of the reasons stories have such diverse friends who wouldn’t associate in real life.

Naughty Reunion
Slightly Bad Knievel!

Jax plays the part of an amoral narrator in addition to his sleazy bad boy act. This allows him to both riff on the various other characters while still being charming enough to be a believable personality. It has the added effect of making a tough personality like his more likable as we spend more time with him. Jax’s boning of so many women also gives him a big brother advice role for the other two guys who each have a particular woman in mind. Much of the dialogue in Naughty Reunion feels like a play. Characters get all expositional at times, almost figuring out their life as we do. And there are random saxophone blasts to punctuate certain emotions, sort of like a gut laugh track. While Naughty Reunion will never be on anyone’s favorite list, it does have enough “will they or won’t they?” that we can’t be quite sure who will end up with who.

Naughty Reunion
There was trouble when Dale insulted the circle cushion couch!

Jax Whitley (Dale DaBone) – Bad boy gone bad who also designs high end street bikes. Is bad, and just wants to go to the reunion to pump and dump Marley Clark as revenge. Acts as our unofficial narrator. Is bad. Dale DaBone was Alex Trebeck in This Ain’t Jeopardy! XXX
Marley Clark (Jayden Cole) – Smart girl who didn’t socialize much with anyone in high school. Reacts to being called frigid by being the total opposite of frigid. Is seemingly the only person who came to the reunion without the intention to have sex with someone. Jayden Cole is also in Bikini Frankenstein and Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros.
Kelly Ellis (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – Former cheerleader and popularity queen. Keeps up the popularity by getting it on with everyone she can. She must be popular, and declares as much. Melessia Hayden is also in Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders and the classic film Execs Snared in Rope and Silenced with Tape.
Dale Camden (Gino Santos) – Football jock and popular student, who has since moved on to owning his own tile store that is basically run by his dad while he does nothing. Is frustrated about all that, but doesn’t bother to do anything about it until he monologues at the reunion.
Taylor Cassidy (Erika Jordan) – The quiet girl who comes out of her shadow to go after he old crush Dale. She’s also conspiring with Chester to try to turn him into Kelly dating material. Erika Jordan is also in Baby Dolls Behind Bars and Dirty Blondes from Beyond.
Chester Ford (Ryan McLane) – Ryan Styles?? No, wait, this is Ryan McLane. A geeky kid from woodshop who spent the past decade turning into a normal person so he can snag Kelly as a girlfriend, thanks to tips from Taylor. As required by law, his nickname is “the Molester.”
Sonia (Daisy Marie) – Her boyfriend Mike is taking her to Hawaii, so she misses the reunion. But she does manage to give Jax a goodbye session for old times sake.
Naughty Reunion
So I was like, that back seat was stained when I rented the car, buddy!