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Makin
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Makin (Review)

August 5, 2010By

Makin

aka The Vampire

????
Directed by ????

Makin’ what? Bacon? Cookies? Babies? Probably babies, as that’s what several of the characters attempt to do in a roundabout faction.

Makin is an obscure as frak Thai film that is sort of unique in the Asian vampire genre in that the vampires are solely Western-style vampires! No one is hopping around, no one has their head flying off and zooming around while their guts hang low. It’s all traditional Dracula. I could go on about how there are a limited number of Western Vampires in Eastern Vampire films (most notably in Vampire vs. Vampire and The Seven Brothers Meet Dracula) but most people reading this are so far under a false assumption there will be pictures of naked Thai chicks down below. In fact, there are only pictures of semi-naked Thai chicks, or naked Thai chicks with strategically placed objects. So for the big Eastern/Western vampire discussion you’ll have to wait until I get around to actually reviewing Vampire vs. Vampire, which could happen one day since I own it.

The best widescreen money can buy!

You might not be surprised to know that there is a plethora of low-budget softcore films produced in Thailand (which has a reputation as a sex tourist destination) but as most of them (at least the ones available on eThaicd.com) are barely-there plots about dudes seducing chicks and other boring things that would barely rate a Skinimax softcore film. But even in the boring masses there are a few wacky gems. Previously we’ve run across weird Thai softcore flick Hidden 2002, a movie about loose women at a hotel and the men who secretly video tape them. Finding out information on Thai films in general is almost impossible, and softcore films are talked about even less. And obscure crazy softcore crap like this you have a better chance of tapdancing with a shark than finding out info about this (unless you are fluent in Thai, and even then you will probably have troubles.) Makin is a production of the Prohand Production Group (who’s symbol is a thumbs up! Someone tell Roger Ebert!) and Prohand Home Video. They aren’t anti-hand, they are prohand.

YOU are the reason Edward Cullen won’t return my fan letters!

Oh, subtitles? Forget it! But TarsTarkas.NET don’t need no stinking subtitles! We also don’t need to know who the heck the actors are, so here are all the notable characters (pretty much every character minus one)

Makin (???) – Makin is a Vampire who looks amazingly like Dracula but is totally not Dracula because Dracula would never be this lazy. He’s the laziest mofo in the universe.
Cool Guy (???) – Cool Guy is the main male character who is a totally cool, as shown by the fact he has sunglasses, a motorcycle, and a girl who puts out. Thus, he gets to kill Makin, who was makin’ the beast with two backs with his girl Dah.
Red Hair (???) – Red Hair is one of Cool Guy’s buddies who works on motorcycles and does nothing else until Cool Guy decides he needs some buddies to go all Monster Squad on Makin.
Bandanna (???) – Bandanna is Cool Guy’s other buddy, the one who looks like he could also be cool if he had a motorcycle and a girl who puts out, but he doesn’t so he is not as cool.
Mattei (???) – Mattei is a geeky guy who lives in a shack behind a house filled with hot chicks, and becomes the thrall of Makin or something. This means Makin yells at Mattei in his head until Mattei seduces some women so Makin can have sex with them. So basically the bonus to being a vampire thrall is you get migraines! Maybe I am a vampire thrall, except my migraines are only slightly related to a vampire yelling at me.
Priest A Don (???) – It is nice to know that priests in Thailand are just as screwy about sexuality as priests in America. Even if this is a fictional priest made perverted for comedic purposes.
Dah (???) – Dah is Cool Guy’s best girl, and she becomes the target of Makin because she lives in the house of hot chicks.
Pau (???) – Pau is a hot chick who gets vampired up, Makin style.
Mitta (???) – Mitta is a hot chick who gets vampired up, Makin style.
Landlord (???) – Eh, everyone else was getting a listing, so might as well give him one as well. I am guessing he is supposed to be the dad to the three girls or something, but it is more fun to pretend he just rents his house out to a bunch of hot chicks and a creepy dude. And since no one will ever write about this film in English again there is no one to stop me! MuHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Magnificent Five
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Magnificent Five (Review)

April 24, 2010By

The Magnificent Five

aka Phra-dek-seua-kai-wawk

2006
Directed by Bhandit Rittakol

The Magnificent Five is a 2006 action comedy where a group of mismatched heroes band together to rescue children sold into slavery. They learn to work together and laugh and love and all that other crap, all while shooting bad guys. Set in the distant past, Magnificent Five incorporates a Swashbuckling style that seems inspired by the Pirates of the Caribbean films while being completely different in plot development and characters.

It is sort of interesting to see the character of Captain Johnson, as he is a totally evil colonial trader dude. It is not that far out of bounds, he could be just the same as the evil British and East India Tea Company characters from the Pirates of the Caribbean films, if one were to ignore the history of Thailand and colonialism in South Eastern Asia. As you may or may not know, Thailand was the only country in the area that was never colonized, but the colonies surrounding it were played off of each other by Thai rulers. Thus, unlike films from places such as Indonesia, there is not a whole ton of films where patriotic nationals fight off oppressive colonial forces against long odds. So is Captain Johnson an evil symbol of colonial aggression, or just a handy stereotype to make a bad guy out of? You make the call!

Like many Thai films, the exact translations and spellings of character names is a jumbled mess. So I will be going with a set translation of everyone’s name, but also listing the alternative names for each of the characters. Maybe one day I will bother to learn enough Thai that I will have a set translation scheme preference, but my crippling laziness will probably prevent that from ever happening.

Suer (Jesdaporn Pholdee) – A Thai cool tough guy and legendary warrior, but he’s also a lazy drunk. He’s the best fighter in all of Thailand, thanks to his grand strategy of just walking up to people and shooting them. Jesdaporn Pholdee was voted the Sexiest Man in Thailand in 2003 and has roles in the Iron Ladies films as well as Queens of Langkasuka. His name is sometimes subtitled as Seua. (Nickname: Tiger)
Raka (Paula Taylor) – A whipmaster and tough girl who helps rescue the kids and has some bitter vengeance on her mind. Paula Taylor is a Thai/British model/actress/game show constestant who is also a big name in the Philippines. Her name is sometimes subtitled as Rakaa. (Nickname: Chicken)
Mahah Thong Suk (Note Chern-Yim) – A monk who fled his village after standing up to some rude colonials who can’t stand the fact a non-white guy talked to them. Whatever he warns against comes true. Eventually joins the crew to rescue the kids. His name is sometimes subtitled as Phra. (Nickname: Monk)
Sum Lee (Koti Arambawy) – The bomb-crazy kid and thief partner of Raka who gets very angry at monkeys. His name is sometimes subtitled as Dek. (Nickname: Kid)
Worg (Sarawut Mardthong) – A guy who sells medical herbs, until he’s dragged into the mess with escaped thieves and kidnapped children. Has special herbs that will turn you gay. His name is sometimes subtitled as Wawk. (Nickname: Monkey)
Captain Johnson (Damian Mavis) – A White guy so he’s evil. Okay, he’s evil because he’s selling children into slavery and it looks like he molests little girls as well.
Master Kajorn (???) – A Slave Trader who runs mines that are worked exclusively by slaves, along with owning lots of lands that anyone who passes by must give him tribute.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Raging Phoenix (Review)

April 6, 2010By


Raging Phoenix

aka Jija Deu Suay Du

2009
Directed by Rashane Limtrakul

Raging Phoenix is film a mix of romance and action, which garnered many reviews that weren’t that positive, largely due to disappointment it wasn’t another non-stop action film. I feel that there was plenty of action and am not really sure what all the complaints are about. I suspect it is more due to the length of time between action sequences making the film seem longer than it is.

Basically, people are complaining because this film has a plot longer than one sentence!

Now, a plot is not a bad thing, but the plot here has character arcs and an underlying plot that factors into the finale. It is constructed just fine, and try as I might I just can’t see why this was given such a harsh response. It wasn’t Chocolate 2 and it didn’t try to be, and it is unfair to expect it to be when it is screaming at you that it isn’t.

But it was too late, the bad reviews sunk in and it failed to reach No. 1 at the Thai box office on its opening weekend, losing out to G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra which was in its second week. Sure, people still don’t like this film for a variety of reasons, but as I am not one of them I can’t speak as to specifics beyond the general tone of the film.

Raging Phoenix is known in Thailand as Jija Deu Suay Du, which means Jija: Stubborn, Beautiful and Fierce. As Jija’s character is named Deu, that means her character name is Stubborn. This role is a change of direction for Jija, as it involving acting beyond playing someone with emotional issues. She had to actually become a real person, which I think she pulled off rather well.

The director, co-writer and co-editor was Rashane Limtrakul, who had his debut film in 1995 (Romantic Blue) and then directed nothing until this 2009 feature. That’s about all I know about him.

This is probably the only film you have seen featuring mayraiyuth, the drunken Thai martial art. Unless you are a big fan of drunken Thai martial arts movies, in which case you would have seen more than this one and made my statement false. How dare you, sir!

But enough of the rantin’, let’s get to the reviewin’!

First up is the Roll Call, because we can’t have a review without it due to my deep mental issues of wanting formatting that makes the reviews take ten times longer than they should!

Deu (“Jija” Yanin Wismistananda) – a drummer chick, abandoned by her parents as a child and eventually abandoned by her band and boyfriend. Her drunken haze after drinking off her abandonment issues ends up getting her kidnapped, but she is rescued by Sanim. Eventually, Sanim and his boys train her in mayraiyuth, the drunken Thai martial art, and starts becoming a rescuer of kidnapped girls. And is in love with Sanim, even though he only has eyes for his kidnapped fiancée.
Sanim (Patrick “Kazu” Tang) – a strong, mostly-silent type who hangs out with a couple of other guys rescuing girls. Looking for his abducted bride Mye. Deu falls for him, but he is focused on his lost love. Sanim is played by French-Vietnamese martial artist “Kazu” Patrick Tang.
Kee Moo (Nui “B Boy Mr. 60 Rock” Sandang) – The Mohawked member of the rescue gang. Helps to train Deu when she first joins up. Kee Moo means pig dung.
Kee Ma (Sompong “B Boy Haste” Leartvimolkasame) – The long-haired member of the rescue gang who is good pals with Kee Moo. Kee Ma means dog dung.
Kee Kwai (Boonprasert “B Boy Dman” Salangam) – The enigmatic dreadlocked member of the gang who is usually out doing stuff. Kee Kwai means buffalo dung, so we got the three dung brothers. And by now you should have a pretty heavy vocabulary in Thai.
Jaguar London (Roongtawan “Sing” Jindasing) – Jaguar’s chief enforcer, played by the female bodybuilder Roongtawan Jindasing. She has won more body building competitions than you can shake a stick at, you girly man! No offense to our actual lone female reader. You can see her official website here.
Jaguar Tokyo (Hoang Nghi) – a Scarred Jet Li-looking guy who is part of the Jaguar gang and steals women. What a nice guy!
Jaguar Bombay (David Bueno) – A red hair guy whose hair looks brighter thanks to the filters used in the film. He’s a member of the Jaguar gang and steals women. Another nice guy!

Legend of White Snake
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Legend Of The White Snake (Review)

March 6, 2010By

Legend Of The White Snake


196?
Directed by ???

When I first got this, I thought by the name Legend Of The White Snake that it was a Thai take on the Madam White Snake story. Boy, was that wrong! Instead, it is just your run of the mill movie where an evil snake witch invades some baby girl’s body and evil stuff happens years later when everyone is grown up. And there are a few random dances and scares, but this is hardly a fun movie, it is more of a movie you have on in the background while doing other stuff and then you pay attention when the few weird things happen. Or you just look at the clips here, read the synopsis, and never have to worry about tracking down this film ever. Because you won’t, unless you are a Thai snake girl film completeist, in which case I can’t help you unless I charge an hourly rate.

There is absolutely zero information about this film online except for a single place to order the VCD from. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. So if TarsTarkas.NET did not bite the bullet and review this stupid thing, there would be no record that it ever existed. And who would want that? We must record even the boring examples of ridiculous films, because, the world becomes a less magical place if they aren’t here. It is just like when rare animals disappear. It doesn’t affect you personally if the white rhinos go bye-bye, but it is a bad thing to know that something once was there and now it is not. And even if no one knew about this movie before, now you do and you are better for it, despite the film’s little entertainment value.

The score is stolen from various sources including Halloween. There is a secondary track the director must have loved because it plays like 30 times, but I don’t recognize where it is from despite it sounding familiar.

We don’t got names so we got guesses. Okay, I figured out the names of a few of them as they got their named mentioned in subtitles. The rest are complete guesses, and for no one do I know who played them. I was told that the following actors are in the film: Mechai Panchar, Picharak, and Chokiwa Luck. I have no clue who any of them are, and Google finds nothing (though Picharak is a planet in the Rebel Squadrons Wiki.)

UPDATE – After chatting about this film with Todd from 4DK (what, you don’t talk about weird Thai films with your friends?) we’ve determined that this film was actually made in the 1960s instead of the 1980s, as the guy playing Kroo Prakit is probably Mitr Chaibancha, who died in 1970 because man was not meant to hang from helicopters. Thus, Mechai Panchar = Mitr Chaibancha. Picharak = Petchara Chaowarat, who plays Van Far. Chokiwa Luck is still unknown, but he’s probably the guy who came up with Thailand’s many, many translation schemes that make doing research in English agonizingly frustrating! If I ever get off my lazy butt Mitr Chaibancha will be back when I watch the Red Eagle movies I have of his.

Van Far (Petchara Chaowarat) – The elder daughter of the family that adopts Poon Rue and the good, heroic woman who must fight her now evil sister for the man she loves. Her name is close enough to the Vulcan Pon Farr that it deserves to be mentioned.
Poon Rue (???) – A baby adopted by a family that was secretly possessed by an evil White Snake Witch who waits 20 years until she gets around to going all White Snake Witch crazy, which results in deaths, dancing, seduction, and people wandering around dark caves. The last thing is what is truly frightening, because watching people wander around dark caves is boring enough that it could kill you.
Kroo Prakit (Mitr Chaibancha) – The Handsome Investigator who comes to town to investigate why everyone is dropping dead. Becomes romantically involved with Van Far, but Poon Rue gets all jealous and tries to steal him away. Is Kroo short for Kangaroo? Well, it is now!
Old Investigator (???) – The older partner of Kroo Prakit doesn’t rate a name or a love interest, but he does rate a lot of screen time for a guy who doesn’t do much by himself.
Comic Relief Guy (???) – He’s funny! Maybe. Okay, not really. He sucks. Maybe he’s funny if you are Thai and thirty years older than I am. Maybe. Comic Relief Guy is the guide, I think.
Cemetery Guy (???) – Cemetery Guy is an undertaker, but not a pro wrestler. Cemetery Guy and Comic Relief Guy are like R2D2 and C3PO, just bumbling around while the heroes and villains do their thing. And I think a lightsaber shoots out of Cemetery Guy’s butt at one point…
Old Snake Lady (???) – The white snake sorceress’s true appearance. Imagine waking up next to that! The Cryptkeeper should be so lucky!

James Band 007
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

James Band 007 (Review)

June 16, 2009By

James Band 007


1980
Directed by ???

James Bond ripoffs seem to exists in every culture’s movie repartee. Some countries churn out dozens of them, especially during the boom years of the 1960s and 1970s. So it is only fitting the comedians get in on the act. Spy spoof films also seem to show up in every country. Spy films are a genre ripe for spoofing, because they are usually freaking ridiculous on their lonesome. James Bond even approached self-parody with cheesy ridiculous entries like Moonraker. So it comes to no surprise that we have a Thai James Bond spoof. The surprise is the film has survived to the point of hitting VCD, which pretty much means we will have at least a low-res version of it forever. Hooray for low-grade film archiving.


Now, I originally got this film off the eThaicd website as a whim, looking for something to fill the order up enough. I didn’t expect this to be anything special, I didn’t even expect it to be a comedy. I was surprised when I opened the package and looked through my vcds, just to notice that the cover to this one included a tiny C-3PO and R2-D2 at the bottom of the film poster. I expected that I would scan in the VCD cover, make a joke about how I liked those droids and couldn’t wait to see them, then get all mad when they never showed up. But the movie punked me. Because…C-3PO and R2-D2 are in this movie! Seriously! Sure, generic Thai knockoffs, but it is them and that is who they are supposed to be! It is one of the most awesome movie discovery I have made. Of course, I included clips of the droids in action. Just stay put. I did some research on the cast, since the only thing written in English about James Band 007 is the order page on the eThaicd website.


James Band (Thep Tienchai) – A bike cabbie who takes over the mantle of James Bond when he is killed in his taxi. Thep Tienchai gained fame in the 1970s using his bad looks and missing teeth in his comedy act, but he has since passed on. He can also be seen in the films Pher Jorm Pern, Tah Tien, and Yod Manood Computer (where snot flows from his nose.)
The Villain (Lor Tok) – The Villain of the piece (I never caught his name) is evil and wants to destroy the world. He has robot goons, and lots of henchmen. Lor Tok was born Sawong Supsamruay, and eventually became one of the greatest comedic actors in Thai cinema. His film debut was in 1933 in Wan Chakayan. Among his over 1000 films roles he starred in the comedy horror Dracula Tok, which had a cartoon series based on it after his 2002 death. He established his own production company in 1969 called Tok Boom Parpayon.
Contact (???) – The contact James Bond was supposed to meet and James Band now meets instead. She may be named Pani Ka. Incredibly thin. Not afraid to tromp around in a bikini.
Thai Moneypenny (???) – James Bond means lots of hot chicks, so of course one of them will work for the secret agency that James Bond works for. Thus we dub her Thai Moneypenny because we didn’t catch her real name. The actress seems very prolific, I have spotted her on several posters.
Thai M (???) – The Thai M heads the secret agency that the James Bond of Thailand works for. His agency is so powerful that some random rickshaw guy saves the day.
James Bond (???) – Thailand has their own James Bond, except he isn’t very good at dodging assassin’s bullets and ends up becoming 00Dead. Luckily, James Band takes over!
A2B (???) – The C-3Po droid of our evil Villain. Gold skin, evil laugh, short temper, he is every bit the C-3PO we all know and love.
A2A (???) – The R2-D2 droid of our evil Villain. I believe his name is A2A, but I am not sure so don’t yell at me for my less than fluent Thai. A2A likes to peep, and argues with A2B about everything. Their battles can get violent. A2A is made out of a bunch of vents, filters, and gauges.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Lizard Woman (Review)

May 2, 2009By

Lizard Woman

aka Tuk Kae Phii

2004
Directed by Manop Udomdej

Lizard Woman is from Thailand, and in Thailand and other parts of southeast Asia there are geckos everywhere. Geckos permeate the culture, they are like lizard cockroaches and poop all over. The big city is supposed to be above having geckos around, which is indicative of the countryside and the less modern people who live there. Yes, class struggles in Thailand, how interesting. Regardless, gecko women is a common horror meme, there are probably a lot of ancient tales about them related to the snake-women phenomenon that is all over Asia. I know of one other Gecko horror movie (called Gecko, believe it or not! And I have it on vcd…) and have seen enough covers of Thai films to know there are probably others.

Kwanpilin (Rungrawee Barijindakul) – A writer who has recently gained fame due to her horror novels, particularly one centered on evil lizard spirits. The same types of spirits who will now possess her! The actress is credited as Rungraree Barijindakul thanks to the multiple ways to translate Thai into English.
Vitool (Pete Thongchua) – Psychiatrist boyfriend of Kwanpilin who spends most of the film not believing his girlfriend is possessed. You can’t spell Vitool without “tool”. He is particularly lame, and I took great joy in his death.
Reporter (Chatthapong Pantanaunkul) – Photographer who catches glimpses of the geckos in his photographs, prompting him to investigate further. He is a totally extra character, so of course he dies.
Brother of the Maid (???) – Brother (I am guessing, he might be the boyfriend but they didn’t seem that close) of Kwanpilin’s maid Aunt Sai, he joins Reporter in the search for the truth of the gecko women upon his sisters death. He has a big heart, and if you don’t believe me Kwanpilin has ripped it out for all to see!
Gecko People (various) – A good chunk of the film is a side story about people who go caving and then get lost in the woods, and get all geckoed the frak up. I didn’t pay much attention at first because it looks like Kwanpilin was writing this as a story within a story, but it kept going. Gecko people are like a weird version of the J-Horror ghost girls.

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