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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

This Means War (Review)

February 14, 2012By

This Means War


2012
Written by Timothy Dowling, Simon Kinberg, and Marcus Gautesen
Directed by McG
This Means War
Captain Kirk and Captain Picard’s evil clone battle for the heart of Legally Blonde! Yes, once again Tars has sold out and seen a movie in advance for free. This time, it’s the romantic comedy This Means War, where once again secret spies date hot chicks who know nothing about it, until getting involved in whatever spy stuff is happening in the third act. The twist is there are TWO spy guys who both want the hot chick and compete to be the best of the best of the best. Sure, it’s by the numbers, predictable at points, filled with wacky hijinks, and the action scenes aren’t given enough budge to be memorable in the slightest, but is it good? Meh. There are a few scenes that are hilarious, but the rest of the film is a mess of boring, stupid, or generic. This Means War is never going to top True Lies in the action department, so it shouldn’t even bother. I did not see Knight and Day, but from the reviews the action at least seems continual. This Means War features long sequences of our heroes riding their desks at the office after the brief beginning fight until the last act, so the weight of the film rests entirely on the romantic aspect of the story. That would probably be okay if we hadn’t felt like we’d already seen everything before.
This Means War
FDR Foster and Tuck are CIA agents who in the opening sequence shoot up some bad guys and end up killing one brother of two, the second escaping and vowing revenge. We don’t know much about this guy except he’s bad, so forget about him. Tuck is a British CIA agent (whaaa?) who is divorced with a young son, while FDR is a playboy who has sex with anything that moves and anything that might move if it’s placed on a slope. As FDR’s wife is only hinted at dating again, but a boyfriend never presents himself as a threat, I can see the future clearer than the time I shoved crystal balls in my eyes and was banned from that Wiccan store downtown. Little do they know how many million$ I won from the lottery!
This Means War

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Jack and Jill

November 11, 2011By

Jack and Jill


2011
Directed by Dennis Dugan

jack and Jill
Tonight on Unsolved Mysteries…how did this movie get made???

Oh, boy.

Do you love jokes about explosive diarrhea? Do you love seeing great actors slumming it in a film where they’re sexually obsessed with a man in drag? Do you live films that give characters quirks instead of doing any characterization at all?

jack and Jill
Fictitious depiction of a Jack and Jill audience…

Finally, I can hush the naysayers who keep saying “nay” when I try to explain that just because I’ve sold out and get free movie passes and dump trucks filled with money and drugs and keep giving all those films positive reviews, that I’m not a shill. Because there is no way in Hell that Jack and Jill will get a positive review, because the dump truck was three minutes late! And also pretend I worked a “Knights who say ‘Ni'” joke in there that was actually funny, unlike every other reference to the Knights who say “Ni” ever. Even this one.

jack and Jill
Actual depiction of a Jack and Jill audience…

Jack and Jill sucks. I can’t say going into this one I had much high hopes. But I was wishing for maybe something passable. I like some of Sandler’s older work, but I can’t think of anything lately he’s done that I’ve even bothered with. Parts of Jack and Jill seem like they’re trying to ape the older style, but the jokes just do not work. A homeless guy randomly for Thanksgiving dinner, so he can say wacky things. A kid who tapes things to himself, because that is wacky. A bird that says random phrases, because it’s wacky. A daughter who is always in a costume and has a doll that is always in an identical costume…wacky! All seem like they would be funny, but no. Luckily, there are fart jokes to fall back on! Those work…if you’re high on wacky-tabacky! Which probably means you wandered into the wrong theater when trying to check out Harold and Kumar 3.

jack and Jill
She’s totally not crazy. Now can I have my dog back unharmed, Scientologists?

Jack (Adam Sandler) – Jack is an ad executive and a jerk, who will randomly do something sort of kind just as the audience is turning against him.
Jill (Adam Sandler) – Jill is his twin sister who is only slightly annoying. But the movie reassures us over and over that she’s the most annoying thing ever, despite evidence to the contrary.
jack and Jill
Jack and Jill treats women like it does to the audience
InGood, Movie Reviews

Puss in Boots

October 25, 2011By

Puss in Boots


2011
Directed by Chris Miller
Puss in Boots
We all knew there would be a Puss in Boots movie the second the image of Puss with his giant cute eyes became a computer desktop background months before Shrek 2: Dark Territory hit theaters. And while the Shrek series has been on a rocketship to planet Crap, Puss in Boots manages to be more entertaining than any Shrek sequel. And I’m not just saying that because I liked the film and saw it for free at an advanced screening. In fact, I had a bad time at the theater until the film started, thanks to some awful customer service that guaranteed I’ll never buy concessions there again. But the humor was good enough to calm my nerves and even get me happy again.
Puss in Boots
Puss in Boots is a spinoff of the Shrek films, but manages to feel somewhat independent of the Shrek universe while still being a part of it. There are still fairy tale elements running around, but the desert environments, Mexican flavor, and wild west inspiration give us a different spin. We follow our familiar character, Puss in Boots, as he has a prequel adventure that is both a story of its own and an origin story (done in flashback.) The decision to not make it a direct origin story, but to start from a familiar place and then go backwards before heading forwards was the right one. We already like Puss in Boots, and don’t need to be sold on liking him. The flashback to his childhood instead is plot related, making it feel important and not just filler.
Puss in Boots

Puss in Boots (Antonio Banderas) – Our title kitty is the solo hero this time out. And gives us some much-needed awesomeness on full throttle. Puss in Boots was always awesome, and he’s still awesome when the spotlight is shone on him.
Kitty Softpaws (Salma Hayek) – The famous feline thief you may have heard of, but if you haven’t, it’s only because she’s robbed your memory. The greatest thief eve becomes the love interest for our feature.
Humpty Dumpty (Zach Galifianakis) – Puss’s old pal who turned to a life of crime and roped Puss into it. Now reformed, he’s trying to recruit Puss into one last big score, robbing the goose that lays the golden eggs.

Puss in Boots

InBad, Movie Reviews

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

October 20, 2011By

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas


2011
Directed by Todd Strauss-Schulson
A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas
We all knew there was going to be a third Harold & Kumar film eventually. And when it was revealed that the third film would involve them saving Christmas, we were like “Sure!” because when you’ve ridden a cheetah, saving Christmas is just an eventual future step. But what we weren’t prepared for was the third installment being in 3D. Arriving just in time for not everyone to be burnt out on 3D yet, A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas gives us a real 3D experience combined with grossout stoner comedy and wacky hijinks ensuing all over you in three dimensions.

The original Harold & Kumar is among my favorite films. It is also an important film in recent history as it showed you could have a film Asian American leads that was successful, entertaining, and profitable. It also helped rekindle Neil Patrick Harris’s career as an awesome fun guy. But you know all this by now. What everyone cares about is if A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas is any damn good.
A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

And it is good. It’s not spectacular, but it holds its own. A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas is just as good as the previous installment, though doesn’t approach the original, as few films can. It is still a goofy stoner comedy, filled with wacky adventures and hijinks, and plenty of scenes of characters taking or tripped out on

Should you watch it in 3D? Yes, because the entire film is non-stop 3D effects. The smoke, the eggs, the giant claymation dongs, all effects you need to see in 3D to better immerse yourself in the world of Harold & Kumar. Unfortunately, this super 3D mania may hurt the film when it hits DVD. Even though characters in the film purchase a 3D tv, many Americans do not have one, particularly the stoner audience targets Harold & Kumar thrive on.
A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

3D Christmas is stuffed with callbacks to previous installments, including a trip to White Castle itself. And how many times can you see people breaking the fourth wall in the third dimension? Only a couple of dozen times, if you’re lucky! And I must mention I saw this for free, because I’m awesome like that. And also honest.
A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

Harold Lee (John Cho) – Harold is where you expect him to be at this point in his life, riding high and living large while the rest of us struggle to get by. He’s married to Maria and working on making babies and trying to keep Maria’s family happy, especially her father. He’s not spoken to Kumar in years, because Kumar hasn’t grown up, and spends his free time with new friend Todd (Thomas Lennon)
Kumar Patel (Kal Penn) – Kumar still lives in the old apartment and is now single, Vanessa having just left him over his lack of maturity. He’s out of med school after failing a drug test and not bothering to appeal, and spending his life being bitter and alone, until a package for Harold arrives on his doorstep, causing him to seek out his old friend to drop it off. Then events happen. Keep in mind Kal Penn left a job at the White House to make this film.
Neil Patrick Harris (Neil Patrick Harris) – As those of you who stayed to the end credits of the last film know, NPH is not dead but very much alive. And the film deals with Harris’s coming out, marriage, and new-found popularity in addition to the old NPH we know and love from the prior films. See NPH in Smurfs as well!
Wafflebot (himself) – Wafflebot is awesome. Wafflebot rules! Don’t say you like pancakes, or Wafflebot will destroy you!

A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas

InBad, Movie Reviews

The Big Year

October 12, 2011By

The Big Year


2011
Directed by David Frankel
Written by Howard Franklin
The Big Year
The Big Year takes place in the world of birding, where obsessive fans of feathered friends spend their time watching and following birds. They learn the songs, know the species, and some can even imitate their favorite birds. And there is no greater glory in the world of birding than the Big Year, where a birder spends an entire year seeing as many bird species as possible.

Now, as a biologist, I’ve meet birders and can understand where they’re coming from, even if I have no desire to trek through swamps and snow to spot rare birds with pink feet. Myself, I’m perfectly fascinated by even the most common birds. Crows, starlings, mourning doves, all are cool in my book. Granted, the herons, egrets, and hawks I spy on the drive home are awesome as well. Maybe I am a secret birder…
The Big Year

The Big Year is ultimately about obsession. About a hobby, about love, about doing what you love but also living your life. It’s based on Mark Obmascik’s book The Big Year: A Tale of Man, Nature and Fowl Obsession, which I haven’t read. But I did get free tickets to an advanced screening, so once again, Tars sells out!

Brad Harris is ostensibly the main character, but in reality there are three main characters, three story arcs, three paths. All of the three main characters want to be the best, to win. but not all of them will win. Only one can be the best. And sometimes, the quest is only the beginning.

Brad Harris (Jack Black) – Brad is the everyman loser who lives at home and is stuck in a dead end job. His only joy in life is birds, recognizing the calls of any bird he hears. He decides to embark on The Big Year seemingly on a lark. He has nothing else going on in life, and this seems to be the one thing he’s wanted to do for years, and has finally gotten around to trying it.
Stu Preissler (Steve Martin) – Stu is a businessman who has been working his whole life wheeling and dealing, all while secretly obsessing over birds. It has been his dream, but he can’t retire. Whenever he tries, he just gets sucked back in. But it’s time, time for Stu. Time to do what he wants for once. But throughout the film, his former employees will continually call upon him to help them run the company as they get into trouble.
Kenny Bostick (Owen Wilson) – Bostick is the prior record holder for The Big Year. He’s spotted more birds in a year than anyone ever. And he can’t let it go. He continues to go birding. He’s on wife #3, birding destroying at least one of the prior marriages. And he’s ready to go off again, especially once he discovers others are closing in on the record.

The Big Year

Dirty Girl
InGood, Movie Reviews

Dirty Girl (Review)

October 3, 2011By

Dirty Girl


2010
Written and Directed by Abe Sylvia

“No one likes a dirty girl” is a refrain heard periodically through the film, but I confess that I like Dirty Girl.

Dirty Girl is a road movie. And like most road movies, the journey is just as important as the destination. Dirty Girl’s nostalgia is present, but isn’t so over-encompassing it becomes the plot itself. The main point of Dirty Girl could have easily taken place last week or 100 years ago. Some of the societal differences would cause different wacky adventures along the way, but the same basic story would ring true.

Dirty Girl is about growing up, and about the joys and heartbreak associated with growing up. How life doesn’t always work out the way you want, but that doesn’t mean life is terrible.

The writing is great, Abe Sylvia put a lot of himself and his life in the film. The characters have believable motivations, many are probably amalgamations of people he knew growing up. As someone who grew up in the Midwest myself, I know people like a lot of the characters.

Before I continue, I must confess that TarsTarkas.NET has sold out once again as this is another free showing. The free showing was in the famed Castro theater, which is one of the best theaters in the country. In fact, of all the free showings I’ve been to so far (please see the tag Tars sells out! for more free showings), I liked Dirty Girl the best. So take that, Warrior!

But let’s get started

Danielle (Juno Temple) – Danielle is our titular dirty girl, the bad girl gone bad who causes trouble for everyone, especially herself. Her care-free life of doing what she wants with no consequences has come to an end both at school and at home. Her journey to find her father is the main plot quest of the picture. Juno Temple is British, so after hearing her the whole film with an Oklahoma accent, her suddenly speaking with a British accent in the Q&A was crazy.
Clarke (Jeremy Dozier) – Clarke is by far the best character in the film, the one you want to root for, to be happy. To be free. Unlike Danielle, he’s never had the chance to be who he is, and is fighting for the chance to have a chance. This is Jeremy Dozier’s first big role, and he’s awesome.
Sue-Ann (Milla Jovovich) – Danielle’s mother and a former bad girl herself, before she realized that the path she was heading down wasn’t going to end in happiness, and she grabbed onto one of the few men left in the area that wasn’t majorly defective. And it’s nice to have a reminder that Milla Jovovich can act beyond smashing zombies in the face.
Ray (William H. Macy) – He’s a single father with kids who intends to marry Sue-Ann. Ray has words with Danielle, who rejects his religious lifestyle and his family values. Ray isn’t Ned Flanders, but he’s a character who has experienced loss in his own way and is worried more about having it happen again than about the relationship itself.
Joseph (Dwight Yoakam) – The homophobic father of Clarke who spends most of the film trying to “fix” his son, and then chasing after and beating his son. What a nice guy!
Joan (herself) – Sack of flour assigned to Danielle and Clarke to be their baby. The expression on the sack of flour changes throughout the film in response to events, and is one of the best things about Dirty Girl.

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