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The Net 2.0
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Net 2.0 (Review)

November 20, 2006By

The Net 2.0


2006
Starring
Nikki Deloach as Hope Cassidy
Sebnem Dönmez as Roxelana
Demet Akbag as Dr. Kavak
Keegan Connor Tracy as Z.Z. Jackson
Neil Hopkins as James Haven
Güven Kirac as Osman
Directed by Charles Winkler

A rehash in the hashiest sense, The Net 2.0 is not only an inferior photocopy of the previous film’s plot, it ramps up the clichés to an exponential factor in reverse proportion to its shrinking in scope. In place of Sandra Bullock, we have Mickey Mouse Club alum Nikki Deloach (who went from a Mouseketeer dating N*SYNC’s JC to making DTV films in Turkey) as Hope Cassidy. That name wouldn’t be so bad if she didn’t keep repeating that Hope was all she has left (Following which we let loose more vomit than the sum printed on every Garbage Pail Kid sticker!) Being that the world was screaming for a sequel to The Net, to answer all those lingering questions left over from the TV series, such as “Are those Pi Symbol guys defeated?”, “Was that the movie that turned Dennis Miller from hilarious comedian to unfunny rightwing shill?” and “There was a TV series???” Instead of keeping the international conspiracy angle, this cheapened version also cheapens the plot, turning it into a simple robbery. This dropping of the conspiracy eliminates the only interesting angle of the original, while instead of an international supergroup the villains turn out to be just a pair of one-dimensional goons. WOOOoooOOOoOOOoOoOoOO! Fear the one-dimensional goons! They will erase your identity if you ever take a job in Turkey! Well, maybe you can get a job in a Cuneyt Arkin film, or the DTV Cocktail 2: Cock Harder!

Having never seen the TV series, I have no idea if it was cancelled in the middle of a plotline that this was originally intended to answer. Since 2.0 has zero connections story-wise, it was probably not greenlighted to finish any stories, but to jump onto the cash cow of DTV (Direct to Video) sequels that are now plaguing Blockbuster and Hollywood Video like locusts in Biblical Egypt. Movies like Single White Female 2: The Psycho, Species III, Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough, and House of the Dead 2 pull in enough of a profit in video presales before they’re even released to make it worthwhile, so director turned producer Irwin Winkler placed his son in charge of direction (the original title was The Net 2.0: Nepotism) so they’d rake in all the dough, making the Winkler family even richer, and it’s not even Henry Winkler’s family. Can’t the Fonz catch a break? At least he was on Arrested Development.

With all the magic hacking power of the two villains, one wonders why they had to resort to this identity erasing as a frame-up for their robbery when they could put it to good use ripping off slightly smaller targets that would still make them rich enough to never have to work again. There are literally thousands of unsecured and easily accessible places to go, for people with that super power of hacking. The same super power of hacking that Matthew Broderick had in WarGames, or Wolverine possessed in Swordfish, these two idiots are using to goof around, and the heroine is even more super powered than them. Scary note on the WarGames reference, WarGames 2 has been greenlit for DTV! I’m sure it will be just as terrible as the title sounds.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

House of the Dead 2 (Review)

February 4, 2006By

House of the Dead 2

aka House of the Dead 2: Dead Aim

2006
Starring
Emmanuelle Vaugier as Alex “Nightingale”
Ed Quinn as Ellis
Sticky Fingaz as Dalton
Victoria Pratt as Henson
James Parks as Bart
Dan Southworth as Nakagawa
Nadine Velazquez as Rodriguez
Sid Haig as Professor Curien
Directed by Michael Hurst

Dr. Uwe Boll shocked the world with his adaptation of Sega Games House of the Dead. Shocked as in people were shocked at how inept and mishandled a movie could be in this day and age. Despite being a bigger box office bomb than Hiroshima, House of the Dead made money, mostly through advanced DVD sales and television rights selling, combined with a German tax loophole that Boll is an expert in exploiting. Following the rules of Hollywood, if a movie even makes 1/2 a cent of profit, a sequel is instantly approved. Thus, we now are graced with House of the Dead 2. 95% of sequels are worse than their predecessors, but this is one of the rare 5% that is actually better than the film it’s related to. Does that make HOTD2 a good movie? Far from it, but it’s much more fun, and put together better. It’s still full of plot holes so large the planet earth could glide through with zero difficulty, and acting that’s outshone by posters on the wall. Dr. Boll was busy filming BloodRayne, so he was unable to make Cinematic Abortion 2: Abortion Boogaloo, so instead we get former kickboxing champion Michael Hurst. Michael Hurst may be familiar to you as the cowriter of Mansquito and Nature Unleashed: Fire, so he is versatile in the realm of schlock and crap. The two main stars are Ed Quinn from Starship Troopers 2, and Emmanuelle Vaugier, fresh off her starring role in Cerberus. Bonus stars who are actually much more famous than the leads include Sticky Fingaz as the leader of the Special forces group, who will become Blade in the TV series based on the movies. We also get Sid Haig, from House of 1000 Corpses, who must be trying to corner the market on House of…. movies, when he’s not starring with Pam Grier. There’s also a Power Ranger running around somewhere. Sure, it’s a dangerous film, fraught with the horrors of bad cinema, but it outshines it’s predecessor in several way. Is there any video game scenes as cuts? Is there 360 degree Matrix-style shots of every character? Is the small improvements enough to prevent damage to the minds of those who see this? Read on, read on…

Single White Female 2
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Single White Female 2: The Psycho (Review)

November 18, 2005By

Single White Female 2: The Psycho


2005
Starring
Kristen Miller as Holly Parker
Allison Lange as Tess Kositch
Todd Babcock as David Kray
Brooke Burns as Jan Lambert
Kyme as Doctor

After watching the original Single White Female, all of America demanded the further adventures of Allie Jones. I myself joined in the furious letter-writing campaign. Thirteen years later, after many pitfalls, we get the fruit of our labors, and it is sweet fruit indeed. CORRECTION: No one demanded crap, and these fruits are as bitter as under ripe lemon Sweettarts. To aid America in receiving a gift no one wants are THREE(!) writers, including Ross Helford and Andy Hurst, who heaped Wild Things 2 and Wild Things 3 upon a warring nation. Following our observations on those two movies, i.e. they are just carbon copies, complete with all the imperfections not having the original produces, we regret to inform you that this is the exact same thing. They took the original story, and just switched actors, with the plot modified so slightly that they just replaced “gay neighbor” with “slutty friend.” That takes about 3 seconds with Microsoft Word, so these guys sure earned their paychecks. They also managed to take out some of the defining moments of the original film, like almost all the nudity (except some extras at a sex club) and no one is stabbed in the eye with a high heeled shoe. How can you make a sequel with no shoe stabbing? That’s like making a Free Willy movie with no whale. As for the actors, they’re made up of such wonderful places as She Spies, USA High, Baywatch, and amazingly Band of Brothers. Well, sometimes people just gotta slum. And what slumming they are doing.

We start out with a title screen that looks like it was made with MS Paint. You know how Paint makes text boxes with white backgrounds? Yep. Just use the spray-paint tool to make yourself a “2” and it’s all set. No expense is spared in the execution of this fine cinematic masterwork. “The Psycho” is in it’s own box, suggesting they were coming up with different titles and “The Psycho” was the best they could do. Well, DUH! What’s next, Planet of the Apes 2: Apes? Better titles: Single White Female 2: Psycho Harder, Single White Female 2: Electric Psycholoo, or even better Single White Female 2: Electric SFW!

Species 3
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Species III (Review)

July 18, 2005By

Species III


2004
Starring
Robin Dunne as Dean
Robert Knepper as Dr. Abbot
Sunny Mabrey as Sara
Amelia Cooke as Amelia
J.P. Pitoc as Hastings
Natasha Henstridge as Eve

Direct to Sci-Fi Channel? How could I lose? Natasha Henstridge made it big by being the alien desperately looking for Mr. Goodbar who just happened to be naked for 78.342193% of the movie. That was followed up by a movie where an Astronaut who went to Mars became an Alien Deuce Bigalow implanting women with exploding babies that reach birthing stage after a few seconds. Due to the quick work of Bubba Blue from Forrest Gump and the remade Natasha Henstridge Astronaut Jones became Astro-not Jones. However, just to show it wasn’t the end of the line, Species II made certain to leave an out. Actually, it left Three! We had one of the Village of the Damned-looking children survive, inside the army truck with dead Natasha, who’s stomach was growing because she was pregnant after death, and out number three involved a random cat that jumped on her stomach, punched around, and quickly ran off. So whatever writers tackled this legacy would have no problem coming up with some sort of plot device. Astoundingly, the writers still had to stretch to get the story rolling, despite it being set up perfectly and easily.

Wild Things 3
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough (Review)

June 25, 2005By

Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough


2005
Starring
Sarah Laine as Marie Clifford (Rich Girl)
Sandra McCoy as Elena Sandoval (Bad Girl)
Linden Ashby as Detective Michael Morrison
Ron Melendez as Dr. Chad Johnson (Forensics Guy)
Dina Meyer as Kirsten Richards

Remember that movie Wild Things, which had a bunch of plot twists and murder? Oh, so you only remember the threesome scene. Well, good news for you. This is the same movie. There are a few differences, indeed, but they basically just renamed all the characters. Instead of Denise Richards or Neve Campbell, we get Susan Ward and Leila Arcieri. Who are they? Well, they work for cheap, that’s who they are! ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR ERROR!!

Sorry about that. Wild Things 3 is so similar to Wild Things 2 that I almost wrote the same review. I probably could get away with it, since they used almost the same script. Except they must have used a photocopier that was low on ink, so a few pages were faded and they filled in the rest with their big named star, Dina Meyer, who fills in the role of “someone who has actual acting talent” that was provided by Isaiah Washington in WT2. I’d call the writers a bunch of thieves, except they stole from themselves as they are guilty of writing WT2, and are moving on to write Single White Female 2, which the world needs, as Single White Female had so many unanswered questions. “Will she be single forever?” “Will she be white forever or get reversed Michael Jackson disease?” and “Will we get more movies where people are killed by high heeled shoes?” These modern day heroes are going to answer some of the questions that have plagued mankind for a decade.

Wild Things 2
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Wild Things 2 (Review)

June 24, 2005By

Wild Things 2


2004
Starring
Susan Ward as Brittney Havers (The Rich Girl)
Leila Arcieri as Maya King (The Bad Girl)
Linden Ashby as Detective Michael Morrison
Isaiah Washington as Terence Bridge

Remember that movie Wild Things, which had a bunch of plot twists and murder? Oh, so you only remember the threesome scene. Well, good news for you. This is the same movie. There are a few differences, indeed, but they basically just renamed all the characters. Instead of Denise Richards or Neve Campbell, we get Susan Ward and Leila Arcieri. Who are they? Well, they work for cheap, that’s who they are!

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