WARNING! Contains naughty language and Christopher Walken impressions!

Let’s get this out of the way: Yes, this movie is called McBain. No, it has nothing to do with what you’re thinking: it’s not a biopic of Diane McBain, star of the 1960 TV series Surfside 6. Oh, or that Simpsons character either.

No, there’s no Mendoza for McBain to take out in this one. That’s just in the silly movie series The Simpsons came up with. Probably only took them a couple minutes too. Mendoza…Ha! This McBain is much more legitimate and creative. Its drug dealer is named Escobar.

Christopher Walken (Mousehunt, Joe Dirt, The Country Bears, Gigli, Kangaroo Jack) stars as the titular McBain. When the man who rescued him from a POW camp is executed by a Colombian dictator, it’s time for McBain to put together a ragtag group to avenge their friend. He rounds up a smooth talking technology expert, a black guy who is afraid of flying, and a guy who repeatedly asks him if it’s really a good idea to rip off The A-Team so blatantly.

Finally, they’re ready to take out the dictator and what follows is possibly the most incoherent mess of an action film there ever was. The body count soars, plot threads are introduced and discarded at a moment’s notice and a WrestleMania hat is given prominent screentime. Evidently, nobody ever told the producers of McBain that 80s action flicks were out of style, or that it’s not very badass to make your supposed action hero a welder (McBain is a professional welder, we forgot to mention that until now. Also, his first name is Bobby. Both of these things are true.)

McBain is the movie that will have you saying, “Seriously? Christopher Walken did this only three years before Pulp Fiction?” Join Mike, Kevin, Bill and Rainier Wolfcastle for McBain: Let’s Get Silly.

Ah, Christmas. That magical time of year when Santa travels all over the universe by means of the fifth dimension, (which his close friend Merlin invented in a floating space castle), delivering toys that were made by a skunk in a factory overseen by a wolf in a village whose head of security, Puss in Boots, occasionally has to fend off giant ogres.

A story so familiar and comforting, it’s like wrapping yourself in a warm blanket. By which we mean it’s so insane and twisted, it makes the Ice Cream Bunny look like Tiny Tim Cratchit.

Christmas with RiffTrax: Santa’s Village of Madness is three shorts from the mad mind of K. Gordon Murray, who brought you the MST3K episode Santa Claus. Featuring cheap mascot costumes, terrifying music, an utter lack of coherence and a Santa who appears to have been dead for most of the shoot, they are some of the most astounding things we have ever laid eyes on, and will quickly become a new yuletide tradition, provided your eggnog is adequately spiked.

Mike, Kevin and Bill will be your hosts throughout your journey, introducing each short with their best brave faces as they stare into the abyss of Christmas Skunks and magic flowers that subvert the space/time continuum!

You can order it here

Check out a sample:

Nightmare at Noon might sound like what happens a few hours after trying items from Taco Bell’s breakfast menu, but in fact it’s a movie! A totally 80s movie that reunites two stars from our VOD release Mutant: the terrifyingly-faced Wings Hauser and his gruff, permanently drunk pal, Bo Hopkins. And, weirdly enough, they are once again facing off against a rural town full of people turned into ghouls by environmental contamination. But whereas Wings played a young whiny sarcastic yuppie in Mutant, this time he’s…a slightly older whiny sarcastic yuppie. And while Bo played a small town sheriff in Mutant, this time he’s…a cop who lost his job for doing the right thing. But it’s not a sequel! Somehow! Basically, they took what made Mutant such a good movie (nothing), threw in George Kennedy (yes, that George Kennedy), some cleavage (not George Kennedy’s) and a ridiculously long helicopter chase that was probably pulled from an Airwolf rerun, shook it all up and poured a big glass of Nightmare at Noon!

It’s worth noting that this movie is also known by another title, Death Street U.S.A. (kinda like how Mutant also had another name, Night Shadows). It’s also worth noting, according to the movie itself, that Wings Hauser’s character loves croissants, but HATES them when they’re microwaved. Might we fixate on this bizarre character detail? Oh, we might. We just might.

Help Mike, Kevin and Bill stuff croissants into a microwave until Wings drops to his knees in despair at this Nightmare at Noon!

RiffTrax VOD titles continue to come out faster than I can watch them, to the point where sequels to ones I haven’t watched yet now exist! Obviously, this is a conspiracy to get me to take time off work just to watch RiffTrax VOD flicks. Which is a good idea…

Future Zone is the sequel to Future Force, in which David Carradine is a cop with a Nintendo Power Glove that fights crime. In the Future. With Force! Except now, he fights crime in the Future. With Zone! Whatever that means. Probably something about loading and unloading. Let’s let this copy/paste from RiffTrax.com explain the rest…

When we last left him, things were looking up for John Tucker. He had landed a babe way out of his league. That nerdy kid who was always bothering him had been gunned down. He owned the world’s most powerful glove, which he occasionally admired as it sat in a box in the back of his dirty Jeep.

But Tucker’s world is about to come crashing down when a mysterious visitor shows up at COP headquarters. (Unable to decide whether the acronym was COPI or COPS, the creative team* behind Future Zone just dropped the fourth letter altogether. Also, they may have moved from LA to Mobile, Alabama. The movie is very unclear about this. Oh, and the main bad guys in this one were in Future Force, but we’re pretty sure they are playing different characters here. Lest these changes scare off the potential sequel viewer, do not fear: Carradine’s beer belly remains very much intact.)

Anyways, the mysterious visitor shows up. He’s wearing a mesh shirt and seems to know a little too much about John Tucker. Who is this mystery man and where did he come from? This is a question you will ponder for exactly four milliseconds before you, like every other non-brain damaged person, quickly realize “That is obviously his son from the future.”

How did he travel back in time? “My friends built a time portal,” he casually mentions, never to address it again. Yeah. It’s that kind of movie.

But the family affair doesn’t just stop there! In a delightful twist, Carradine’s real life wife plays his onscreen wife. The chemistry between Carradine and the woman who sold him out to the media after his death with quotes like “He had his kinky moments” and “He would go to a hardware store and buy the stuff” really is the emotional heart of Future Zone.

Mike, Kevin and Bill splashed a fresh coat of mud onto their Chevy Blazer and make sure any and all gloves are firmly secured in an out of the way box as they hop on the highway to the Future Zone!

*hahahahahahahahahahaha

So if you enjoy Zone-related future, check out Future Zone today!