cyberbu//y

aka Cyberbully

2011
Directed by Charles Binamé
Written by Teena Booth

Nothing can ever go wrong now that I have a computer!

cyberbu//y is an ABC Family original movie presentation designed to teach America about the dangers of cyberbullying. It’s also the most hilarious movie about the internet since Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life. There are so many goofy things going on it is hard to keep track. But we will try, because we are TarsTarkas.NET – cyberbullies!

When Goatse strikes…

Join us as we watch a teenage girl’s life be destroyed by the internet! Keep in mind teenage girls get their lives destroyed all the time, usually due to Jennifer being a bitch. Damn you, Jennifer! Why you gotta be a bitch all the time? Don’t be talking to Justin in math class!

Oh my god Becky look at her butt. Her butt is so big that she needs 2 cars. One for her…and one for her butt.

Can Linsay’s fragile mind handle the harsh social complexities that is the modern internet? Or will she be destroyed, body, mind, and soul, snuffed out like a candle in the wind. The internet wind.

And thou shalt eat the fruit of thine own body, the flesh of thy sons and of thy daughters, which the LORD thy God hath given thee, in the siege, and in the straightness, wherewith thine enemies shall distress thee.

Taylor Hillridge (Emily Osment) – This Taylor’s not so swift. Your average girl with an internet connection, except Taylor takes everything so serious that even the slightest deviation can cause tears to flow like monsoon rain. Can Taylor stand up to the cyberbullies? Or will she be cyberdefeated? Samantha Caldone (Kay Panabaker) – Taylor’s best friend and the embittered former partner of a jock, who loved and left her, causing Samantha to freak out at the slightest mention of jocks. Then Samantha goes even more crazy. So we got a Taylor and a Samantha, and there is an evil girl at school named Lindsay. Lindsay Lohan used to date a Samantha, and if we pretend Taylor is Taylor Swift, this all begins to make sense. Now…who is Kanye West in this scenario? Kris Hillridge (Kelly Rowan) – Taylor’s mom who is totally channeling Judith Light. But she’s no Angela. Mom spends most of the film being unaware of anything, then the last thirty minutes overcompensating by becoming the most productive mom ever. Even then, she only wins by luck. Scott Ozsik (Jon McLaren) – Scott is the cute jock who has eyes for Taylor, causing Samantha to go nuts with rage. For once, the jock is not a bad guy. That much. Until he goes to college and joins to Alpha Betas and goes up against the Tri-Lams! Cheyenne Mortenson (Meaghan Rath) – Taylor’s black friend because we needed to throw in some diversity. Bails the second Taylor becomes a liability. There is no famous Cheyenne to go with my Lohan/Swift/Sam theory, unless you count Cheyenne Kimball, who I have never heard of. So let’s pretend her name is Kardashian James Petitious (iStock Photo) – He’s so real, a guy who cares about girls feelings and reads the poetry that girls put up on their pages. There are so many signs this guy is fake he should be named James McFakefake. My vote for Kanye West.

The Internet…made me….Avril Lavigne!