Monster of the Nudist Colony (Review)

June 26, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Monster of the Nudist Colony

2014
Written by James Rogers and Bruno Kennedy
Directed by Louis DeWalnut (as Steve Goldenberg)

Even the Monster is nude!

Monster of the Nudist Colony blends monsters and softcore sex mayhem into a wondrous combination that’s now available on your local premium cable channel. Monster of the Nudist Colony is a direct parody of The Beast that Killed Women, directed by schlock exploitation master Barry Mahon! Not only have I seen the film, but the Something Weird DVD paired with The Monster of Camp Sunshine was the first Something Weird DVD I ever bought. If you’ve never seen the various nudie cutie films of the 1960s, filmed back when it was legal to film naked people only on a nudist colony, and with nothing frontal below the waist, then prepared to be bored silly (example: Nude on the Moon) There are endless shots of people walking (with strategically placed towels), sitting (with strategically placed towels), and playing games like volleyball (with strategically placed towels!) The Beast that Killed Women shook up the formula a bit by adding a monster killing women (Barry Mahon in a gorilla suit) that substituted for the sexual release that endless shots of nudists playing volleyball would not deliver. In a way, it was one of the Roughies, the name for underground nudie flicks made soon after the exodus from the colonies that had increasingly violent edges (an example we’ve covered is In Hot Blood)

How does a gorilla know how to tie knots so well?

Thankfully, Monster of the Nudist Colony avoids all that violent stuff. The guy in a gorilla suit may gank women, but only to tie them up and make them dance for him! Honestly, it makes the film better, because this is supposed to be a silly parody, we don’t need violent acts perpetrated against women with what may be subtextual racism getting in the way! If anything, Monster of the Nudist Colony is a little too on the nose for it’s subject, to the point where it runs out of plot and fills the last 15 minutes with an all star super orgy. That certainly has the ending dance party seen on subpar animated films beat! If you pay attention, there is plenty of references to nudie flicks: people walking along nature trails with towels, a character who’s totally anti-nudity until they learn to cut loose and be nude, something threatening the security of the nudist colony, and even the occasional visit from law enforcement. What is different is all the sex sex sex! Nudie cuties weren’t allowed to have sex scenes, and official nudist colonies shy away from the sexual aspect of nudity, focusing on freedom. Monster of the Nudist Colony ignores all that and has Circle Double D’s Nudist Colony basically one step away from Hedonism II! Sidenote: the Double D’s Nudist Colony is filmed at the Malibu Dry Gulch Ranch.

And, sorry bigfoot-human sex scene fans, the Monster does not have sex with any women until he has been returned to human form. You might like Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot instead!

The Librarian from Top Secret!, the prequel!

The film features extensive soundtrack work by RooBiE BreastNuT, not only working through the majority of their songs available on iTunes, but featuring a few news ones (including on that sounds written specifically for Monster of the Nudist Colony!) There is even a cameo by Roobie Breastnut herself! While fan favorite song “Pussy Pussy Bang Bang” is not used, you can hear: “I Want Your Love”, “Girls Like Girls”, “This is the Lust”, “Johnny Lapdance”, “Yeah, That’s Triple X”, “Porn to Be Alive”, “Peeping Jon”, “Hypnotika”, “Dance Dance Dance”, “Nudist Camp”, “Suck on This” and many more that can be found on Roobie Breastnut’s iTunes page!

Director Louis DeWalnut is a pseudonym for Steve Goldenberg, who has worked with Jim Wynorski on several of his softcore adventures. The writing is credited to James Rogers (I couldn’t figure out his prior credits) and Bruno Kennedy (co-writer of some of the Busty Cop movies)

What do you mean, you don’t think Ferris Bueller and Cameron Frye are the same person???

	Arch Hammer (Frankie Cullen) – Detective Arch Hammer is totally against being naked, but is totally for solving mysteries. Thus this mystery at the nudist colony disturbs him, but he can’t deny his police mentality, and goes in search of the mysterious Monster. There, he encounters a world he never knew, and if he ever drops his pants, will become part of that world. But will he?
	Mary Hammer (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – Arch’s wife, who is a bit more of a free spirit than him. So free she disregards things like marriage vows! But it’s all good in the land of naked sex orgies…
	Lucy (Angie Savage) – Lucy runs the nudist colony because the owner is missing and it’s also her job. She doesn’t discriminate, she has sex with the employees and the customers!
	Heather (Lexi Belle) – Nudist club member who has fun time relationships with some of the other members, and attracts the attention of the Monster.
	Joe (Ryan McLane) – Nudist club member who has a way with women. He’s sort of a jerk who keeps pushing Heather aside to run away faster from the Monster, and later puts the moves on Dana.
	Mike (TJ Cummings) – The porter at the nudist colony who gets luggage and makes drinks and has sex with everyone. The SoftcoreReviews boards said this might be TJ Cummings’ last softcore film!
	Dana (Bridgette B.) – Nudist club member who enjoys sunning herself, music, and sex.
	Tina (Samantha Ryan) – Nudist club member who is makeout friends with Dana. Captured by the Monster and forced to dance.
	Kerry (Britney Young) – Nudist club member who has a thing for Mike, which she expresses physically.
	Monster (Rickey Ricardo Smith) – The mysterious monster who terrorizes the camp by spying on all the sex going on, and occasionally stealing women for dance parties. Phases in and out of being human while the ladies dance. May or may not be connected to the missing heir Jonah Trout, who was put under an ancient Indian curse.
	Jonah Trout (Tony Marino) – Oh, that guy.
	Bonnie (Hannah Reilly) – Brunette woman who is walking in the woods with Crystal that enjoys a good argument and a good woods lesbian sex session.
	Crystal (Amber Ashlee) – Blonde woman who is walking in the woods with Bonnie that also enjoys a good argument and a good woods lesbian sex session.
	Cop (Roobie Breastnut) – A visiting cop who stops by to let the nudist crew know they need to lay off all orgies while monster reports are running rampant!
	Tennis Fan (Bailey Beetleman) – It’s a guy who looks more like what the average nudist colony member looks like. And he likes tennis! Bailey Beetleman also produced.
	Creepy Squirrel Puppet (himself) – These woods carry unspeakable horror. You don’t want to know! Stay on the marked paths.

She’s secretly the Hamburglar!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dark Fantasies

July 6, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Dark Fantasies

2010
Written by ??? (no credit I could find)
Directed by Jay Robie

Can’t stop looking at dream porn! Nmmgh, yeah, baby!

A tale of sexual dreams turned dark Inception twists makes Dark Fantasies one of the more mean-spirited softcore flicks. It also opens things up to many deep questions. In Dark Fantasies, characters enter shared dreams and have sex with each other, which is at first described as “guilt-free!” But a character hides his involvement in the experiment because he knows it will upset his partner, and it does, leading to more consequences. Beyond that, things get creepy as the Professor begins intruding in the fantasies and having sex with the girls, which begs the question of just how consensual those sessions were. Dark Fantasies seems to draw conclusions as to what the boundaries are, but a tale that opens such questions deserves a closer look. Also there is lots of softcore sex for those of you into that sort of thing…

Because of the darker tone, Dark Fantasies has a more limited target audience. That’s always a price to be paid with these softcore films, some people are couples who like light-hearted stories to get in the mood, while others watching are an audience eagerly awaiting the nude scenes and eager to skip all the boring talking parts. In addition, the group of people who wish to discuss the themes of Dark Fantasies will be even smaller. But for that one guy, here’s hoping this lives up to your expectations!

The dreams are a bit stylized, mostly appearing in similar-looking rooms that are part of whatever house the director rented that week. The ending of each features thunder cracking and a weird phasing effect. At no time do people fly or turn into giant crabs or suddenly are skiing down yogurt sculptures of Joan Rivers like in my dreams, but maybe the sequel will secure $30 million for dream CGI effects.

I’ll continue this interview once I’m done watching the game on the tiniest tv ever!

Mainline Releasing Group/MRE is given props for exploring storylines that do more than just move from sex scene A to sex scene B, but can stop and make you think a bit. Each one is like a small drama story that’s then frontloaded with naked people rubbing and grunting on each other. While not everything is a hit, and even some of them are good only for their concepts than their actual stories, the creativity being shown is a winning effort that deserves praise.

Despite the fancy scifi Inception reality of shared dream sexing, Dark Fantasies gives us some respect by not inventing some sort of dream cam that people watch. Instead the nefarious Professor Carlton just has to stare blankly at an EKG monitor. Is it any wonder he went insane with power and decided to try the dream sexing himself? Of course, he chooses women who aren’t 100% willing until he dream cons them, and that’s ignoring his study isn’t quite in line with the American Psychological Association’s Ethics Code, which probably means big fines and academic suspension. If he wasn’t arrested. Spoilers.

	Megan (Reena Sky) – A college student dating Kyle and living the good life of a house too expensive to afford and apparently not even going to school or work. But storm clouds are on the horizon that threaten her relationship with Kyle. Clouds called psychology! Reena Sky is also in Pleasure Spa, and also something called Munch Box. I am sure that is about the Texas Instruments TI-99/4A home computer game Munch Man.
	Kyle (Rocco Reed) – College student who is dating Megan and driving Carrie wild because she can’t have him. But he’s prone to doing dumb stuff, like getting involved in experiments where he can have sex with chicks in his sleep, without thinking that maybe he shouldn’t be doing things like that without telling Megan. Rocco Reed was Commander William Riker in Star Trek: The Next Generation – A XXX Parody.
	Carrie Branson (Isabella Sky) – College student who likes her psychology professor, Dr. Carlton. She’s also very jealous of Megan and Kyle’s relationship and attempts to sabotage it by getting Kyle involved in the dream sexperiment. Isabella Sky was in something called Pimp My Ride and Nail Me Inside.
	Professor Maxwell Carlton (Steve Crest as Jack Lawrence) – Arrogant psychology professor who runs a dream experiment where people travel into each other’s dreams and have sex with them. Takes over and just has sex with every girl experimentee he can. Steve Crest is a former professional cyclist turned actor and porn star, you will be able to see in him Cool Cat Saves the Kids.
	Amber (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – Another member of the sexperiment squad, she’s used as a pawn by Carrie to recruit Kyle as part of Carries master plan to break people up. Melessia Hayden is also in Pleasure Spa and Naughty Reunion.

That “Dream Big” sign in the backgroud….foreshadowing or just lucky set decoration?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Pleasure Spa

February 24, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Pleasure Spa

2013
Written by Tim Sabo
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Sam Pepperman)

This ain’t how you meditate!

Jim Wynorski gives us another Cinemax softcore role in the hay with Pleasure Spa! While sometimes Wynorski’s softcore films are creative (Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders), other times we get what looks to be a film scrambled together with funds leftover from other films (also known as this film!) For Pleasure Spa, the usual small budget is even tinier, and every location is at the same house, though there is the occasional effort made to try to make us think we’re somewhere else. Let’s just ignore that the front desk scenes are obviously shot in the kitchen. And police captains have offices that resemble a home office in a spare bedroom. Luckily it’s a pretty nice house, allowing for a lot of room variety, and has a pool, a waterfall feature, and a tennis court! I wonder if this was rented from the owner, or if it is a place you can pick up relatively cheap in the aftermath of the housing crash. Heck, maybe it’s Jim’s house!

As an odd feature, there is a random scene in Pleasure Spa that cranks up the creativity and hints more could be going on. But it’s not dwelt on at all, so in the end it just becomes a random aside that makes the rest of the film look even poorer. There are the classic Jim Wynorski camera angles that emphasize certain characters’ ample…gifts. We do have the familiar Wynorski music by Roobie Breastnut, including fan favorite PuSSy PuSSy BaNG BaNG (capitalization according to YouTube standards.)

And suddenly everyone watching at home forgives the lack of budget…

But, you say, who watches these films for the plots? It’s all about the skin game. While I agree that is the case for 99% of the audience, sometimes I want a little meat with my potatoes. And though some of these softcore films have a surprising amount to say, Pleasure Spa doesn’t expand from its small boundaries. What little it does say has been said many times before by better speakers. It also keeps me from typing up eight paragraphs about how this is an allegory about the Spanish Civil War. It turns out the only advantage is the skin game. Speaking of which, let’s go to the Roll Call:

	Dusty (Cynthia Lucas) – The boss of the Happy Endings spa, which is not only a massage parlor, but a massage parlor where everyone gets a happy ending. It’s called truth in advertising, people!
	Shelly (Brandin Rackley) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings. A sadist at heart. Not too fond of doing desk duty.
	Lucky (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings.
	Cammi (Raven Alexis) – The receptionist at Happy Endings, but not adverse to putting on her work uniform and massaging clients herself. Her work uniform being no clothes.
	Anita (Reena Sky) – One of the trained massage therapists at Happy Endings.
	Candy Conners (Heather Vandeven) – The new girl who is hired during the course of the film. Her uncle is Mayor Carl Sloane.
	Mike Mathis (Frankie Cullen) – Cop who frequents Happy Endings, and gets his partner Tommy Hall hooked on the parlor as well. This is bad, as it’s their job to bust the place! Frankie Cullen appears in this “new” film because it was filmed before he retired from these films in 2011.
	Tommy Hall (Tony Marino) – Oh. That guy.
	Client Number 1 (T.J. Cummings) – Client of Happy Endings who comes pretty regularly, and doesn’t seem to understand police tape. Has no real name so I just made one up.
	Captain Crane (Michael Swan) – Police captain who just wants to bust that darn Happy Endings because he hates them. Hates hates hates hates hates them!
	Mayor Carl Sloane (???) – Mayor Sloane has an unusually close relationship with his niece, which seems to result from his rather liberal views on sexuality.

It’s true, island biogeography can be applied to mountain tops, isolated valleys, even fenced off yards!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Naughty Reunion

January 28, 2013ByTars Tarkas

Naughty Reunion

2011
Written by Tina Hawthorne
Directed by David Nichols

I’m too cool for school, and too cool for school reunions!

It’s high school reunion time! Remember your high school reunion, when it was basically a big orgy… Oh, wait, no high school reunion is like that. Except the one in Naughty Reunion! If you’re like me, then you already keep in contact with people you liked from high school thanks to the magic of Facebook and email, thus making high school reunions something to not even bother caring about. I don’t really care how bald and fat everyone I didn’t like got, because high school is high school and I’m an adult.

There is a recurring fantasy of people returning to high school reunions as successful and finally getting that hot girl who is somehow still hot and yet strangely single years later. Naughty Reunion brings that up to 11, as everyone is back to get with someone from high school, even if they don’t outright say they are (and the majority of the characters just say it out loud and proud!) Naughty Reunion does try to say a few things about how people are more than the stereotypes they were in high school. Jax is a bad boy, but also a master mechanic and autocad specialist. Dale is the popular jock with massive insecurities about not accomplishing anything on his own. Kelly is the popular girl who just wants to be popular….okay, maybe everyone doesn’t escape their assigned role. In fact, the general roles helps because everyone will begin to associate themselves with some of the characters or see their friends reflected in them. That’s one of the reasons stories have such diverse friends who wouldn’t associate in real life.

Slightly Bad Knievel!

Jax plays the part of an amoral narrator in addition to his sleazy bad boy act. This allows him to both riff on the various other characters while still being charming enough to be a believable personality. It has the added effect of making a tough personality like his more likable as we spend more time with him. Jax’s boning of so many women also gives him a big brother advice role for the other two guys who each have a particular woman in mind. Much of the dialogue in Naughty Reunion feels like a play. Characters get all expositional at times, almost figuring out their life as we do. And there are random saxophone blasts to punctuate certain emotions, sort of like a gut laugh track. While Naughty Reunion will never be on anyone’s favorite list, it does have enough “will they or won’t they?” that we can’t be quite sure who will end up with who.

There was trouble when Dale insulted the circle cushion couch!

	Jax Whitley (Dale DaBone) – Bad boy gone bad who also designs high end street bikes. Is bad, and just wants to go to the reunion to pump and dump Marley Clark as revenge. Acts as our unofficial narrator. Is bad. Dale DaBone was Alex Trebeck in This Ain’t Jeopardy! XXX
	Marley Clark (Jayden Cole) – Smart girl who didn’t socialize much with anyone in high school. Reacts to being called frigid by being the total opposite of frigid. Is seemingly the only person who came to the reunion without the intention to have sex with someone. Jayden Cole is also in Bikini Frankenstein and Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros.
	Kelly Ellis (Melessia Hayden as Melissa Jacobs) – Former cheerleader and popularity queen. Keeps up the popularity by getting it on with everyone she can. She must be popular, and declares as much. Melessia Hayden is also in Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders and the classic film Execs Snared in Rope and Silenced with Tape.
	Dale Camden (Gino Santos) – Football jock and popular student, who has since moved on to owning his own tile store that is basically run by his dad while he does nothing. Is frustrated about all that, but doesn’t bother to do anything about it until he monologues at the reunion.
	Taylor Cassidy (Erika Jordan) – The quiet girl who comes out of her shadow to go after he old crush Dale. She’s also conspiring with Chester to try to turn him into Kelly dating material. Erika Jordan is also in Baby Dolls Behind Bars and Dirty Blondes from Beyond.
	Chester Ford (Ryan McLane) – Ryan Styles?? No, wait, this is Ryan McLane. A geeky kid from woodshop who spent the past decade turning into a normal person so he can snag Kelly as a girlfriend, thanks to tips from Taylor. As required by law, his nickname is “the Molester.”
	Sonia (Daisy Marie) – Her boyfriend Mike is taking her to Hawaii, so she misses the reunion. But she does manage to give Jax a goodbye session for old times sake.

So I was like, that back seat was stained when I rented the car, buddy!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

December 22, 2012ByTars Tarkas

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders

2011
Written by Steve Goldenberg
Directed by Jim Wynorski (as Sam Pepperman)

With a Double-D for an extra dose of killing you Deadd!

The tagline for Aliens vs. Predators was “Whoever wins, we lose!” One could argue that the tagline for Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders could be “Whoever wins, we win!” Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is another of the late night Cinemax classics that gave the network the nickname Skinimax. It’s also another feature from fab B-movie director Jim Wynorski (here directed as Sam Pepperman!) Wynorski never shines so bright as when he’s directing smut, and Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is filled with camera tricks and creative narrative editing that you rarely see in cheaply made farce. It also makes a lot of his SyFy fare look bland by comparison.

Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders is a fun tale that’s about as realistic as those before-mentioned SyFy flicks. The Scholastic Hottie of the Year Contest is set up as some sort of reality show-styled event – but without cameras capturing all the action. Don’t worry, the film makes up for it with Angie’s narration, explaining everything as we go and even commenting upon action happening onscreen. The light-hearted tone help make BCxLC merry entertainment. I admit I don’t watch as much of Wynorski’s flicks as others, but his softcore films are often lively and witty. And believe me, we’ve seen some boring stinkers!

Check out my levitation powers!

From the B-movie Vs. title, we know that things will be treated with a sense of humor. BCxLC lampoons the cutthroat world of reality tv shows and pageant contests by displaying all the bribing, back stabbing, and general bitterness that goes on. But because we know it’s all a fantasy, it’s okay to end things on a high note. While being a mirror, it isn’t a broken mirror, and luckily BCxLC keeps itself separated from heading into dark territory.

Visual candy includes character pages, biographies, repeated breaking of the fourth wall, picture within picture for commentary, a laugh track, flashbacks and flashsideways, and answers to what happens to our heroes after the big event. The underwater camera usage is rare itself for these low budget flicks (though I think a few older, higher budgeted productions have used it before), and it increases the quality tenfold. While many of these films can begin to blur together (both due to repeated use of actresses, sets, and even tone), anything that helps distinguish is good. If BCxLC shows up on your late night cable TV schedule and you aren’t completely tired yet, it’s worth checking out.

Directly ripped off from Aliens vs. Predators…

	Angie (Angie Savage) – Our narrator and hostess for our journey into the battle between Busty Coeds and Lusty Cheerleaders. A battle that is often fought with lashed tongues, torn clothing, and panting bodies. Angie weaves a tale of deception and lies as the contestants battle it out to reign supreme…and also to get it on many many many times!
	Marla Mounds (Jamie Michelle Hunter as Jaime Hunter) – Angie’s biggest competition, though she often just plays the sweet innocent girl who doesn’t seem like she’d backstab anyone…and doesn’t, unless it’s playing backstab defense against more notorious backstabbing!
	Tiffany Nightsprings (Kylee Nash) – Tiffany’s dad is super rich and bribed everyone to get her where she is, but bribes only go so far…or do they???
	Candice Connors (Charlie Laine) – Not the brightest of bulbs, but has a good heart. Like Marla, she often fades to the background, though her character doesn’t hang out with Angie as much as Marla does.
	Miss Abby Meyers (Melessia Hayden) – Miss Meyes runs the competition and makes sure everything is above board. Which means daily bust measurements and pole dancing competitions. Like all scholastic competitions, especially the ACT!
	Chet (Frankie Cullen) – One of handymen Miss Meyes hired to help out around the camp, because the gigantic camp with hardly any people in it would really have so many problems that it requires two full-time handymen… Is a killer piano player.
	Bull (T.J. Cummings) – The other handyman hired. He likes Candice, at least he tells her as much.
	Janet (Heather Vandeven) – Girl hired by Angie to get dirt to blackmail Dean Martin. Does an excellent job.
	Tiffany’s Dad (G. Gordon Baer) – Rich father who attempts to bribe an manipulate the contest more towards his daughter’s favor.
	Dean Martin (“Billy Chappell”) – Oh…that guy.
	Girl in car (Glori-Anne Gilbert) – One of the two replacement judges sent by Tiffany’s father. Is amused at life, getting lost, the forest, and the very young stud she’s driving around with. Good attitude!
	Guy in car (???) – This guy looks straight out of high school, but he’s a replacement judge and just ends up getting it one with Glori-Ann Gilbert in the forest instead. I have no clue who played him.

SHHH! Don’t tell anyone the shocking ending of Busty Coeds vs. Lusty Cheerleaders!

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