The Great Bikini Bowling Bash (Review)

January 30, 2015ByTars Tarkas

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

How to do a proper bowling stance

Bowling, bikinis, naked chicks, gutterballs, and strikes are brought to us via The Great Bikini Bowling Bash! It’s another softcore production from Synthetic Filmwerx, complete with many of the recurring cast members and much of the same charm. Dean McKendrick writes and directs, and The Great Bikini Bowling Bash shows off having location shooting at an actual bowling alley (!!) and some of the crew popping up as extras for a crowd scene(!!). A few of the crew can be seen in other Synthetic Filmwerx/Retromedia productions from years past.

The Great Bikini Bowling Bash builds off of the tradition of having bikini versions of businesses being created to save the business from nefarious actors, which became a softcore staple with The Bikini Car Wash Company (which gets acknowledged in the film) and has been expanded to include such random softcore titles like Bikini Traffic School, Bikini Model Academy, and Bikini Drive-In. This means we pretty much know the plot, right? Almost, because the titular bikini bowling bash results in only raising a pittance, the real salvation comes during a high-stakes bet that closes out the film. So it’s more like Caddyshack and nothing like The Great Lebowski or Kingpin. I would have liked at least some references to other bowling films, because I’m a guy who likes references to things.

They based that bowling character who tries to seduce Marge Simpson on me, baby!

	Candy (Sophia Bella) – Owns the bowling alley that her father started and ran, though somehow doesn’t own the land it’s on. That leads to trouble that only bowling and wearing a bikini can solve.
	Lucy (Mary Carey) – Friend of Candy and Jenn who hangs out at the bowling alley all the time. Has trouble finding a man.
	Jenn (Krissy Lynn) – Employee at the bowling alley who works the cafe, and is rather bad at bowling. She does excel at attempting to seduce rich guys. Jenn dreams of leaving town to go to the big city.
	Matt (Eric Masterson) – Local bowler who is probably the second or third best bowler to come from the town. He hangs out all day at the bowling alley and longs for Lucy. Helps train the girls to bowl against Troy Smith.
	Frank (Ryan Driller) – Candy’s boyfriend who is in law school. He’s there to assure us that the lease is air tight, so they have to do some crazy schemes to come up with the money to save the place.
	Troy Smith (Frankie Dell) – The most famous bowler in the entire world, who learned to bowl in this very bowling alley. He’s also filthy rich and has his own tv talk show, so Jenn goes to try to “convince” him to help the alley, though his refusal leads to the climactic game.
	Mr. Grabowski (Michael Gaglio) – Candy’s landlord, he’s rather goofy and gets sidetracked into talking about something else before he even finishes a sentence. Is selling out the land the bowling alley is on for a lot of money, with little notice. Which sort of sucks, but it’s just business, I guess.
	Travis (Frankie Cullen) – Lucy’s date she met on the internet, who loses interest as soon as he’s done having sex with her.

Bikinis, bowling, and a bash. The film delivers!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Atomic Hotel Erotica (Review)

September 26, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Atomic Hotel Erotica

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

Check it out, I told this telemarketer my name was Mr. Butts and now he keeps saying “Mr. Butts”!

A seemingly innocent hotel turns out to be the home of secret Satanists out to steal your soul in Atomic Hotel Erotica! There is also some drama about rival engineers after a big bonus and marital strife, but as that has little to do with worshiping Satan, let’s put that on the back burner for now.

Strangely, the film that Atomic Hotel Erotica might be closest to spiritually is Manos The Hands of Fate. Both feature a strange hotel with a mysterious master and guests that check in but don’t check out. Or maybe the closest relation is a roach motel. Or maybe the Hotel California, that hotel that you can never leave.

You seriously thought Beanie Babies would put your kids through college?

Remember that old believe by some tribes that taking a photograph would steal their souls and everyone laughed and felt culturally superior? Well, the smug is on the other foot here as souls are stolen using a camera! Dun dun DUN!

The hotel in Atomic Hotel Erotica is actually named Atomic Hotel Erotica, complete with sign that is totally not a cgi sign in front of someone’s house. The rooms look like they were decorated by children in the 1950s, and nothing has been updated since then, which fits in with the name of the hotel.

As Atomic Hotel Erotica is a softcore flick from Synthetic Filmwerx, it features a lot of the things we’ve come to expect from a Retromedia production. The familiar songs, familiar sets, and familiar casts. Heck, besides the mains, there are photograph cameos from Christine Nguyen, Voodoo, Chad White, and Karlie Montana!

Cowboys and rayguns? Perhaps this room is a commentary of how the space age destroyed the wild west in the hearts of children everywhere?

The plot is a bit thin and the film is caught trying to compensate for the tiny budget and cast, which keeps it from exploring just what is going on too deeply. This leaves things unsatisfied when the film does conclude, dropping Atomic Hotel Erotica down a bit in the rankings. The cast tries to make up for it, but are unable to work miracles. While disappointing, there are still a few things to like about Atomic Hotel Erotica, and plenty of speculative questions that only TarsTarkas.NET will be bold enough to inquire about the plot, as everyone else is just here for the nude people doing nude things to each other.

	Rob (Ryan Driller) – Rob is married to Laura, and works hard for his family, though that means working long hours and somehow not making much money despite being a programmer in years where they are seeing record salaries. Gets invited to the Atomic Hotel Erotica seemingly at random.
	Laura (Krissy Lynn) – Married to Rob. Laura spends almost the entire film complaining. When she’s not doing that, she’s cheating on Rob. But she still loves him, she just wants more out of life than staying home while bored.
	Jason (Frankie Dell) – Works with Rob at the programming office, even sharing cubical space. Both are aiming to get a big bonus from work, Jason plans to steal Rob’s work and get the credit. If they worked together, they’d get done in like a day and still have a hefty bonus, but that requires not being jerks.
	Elena (Sophia Bella) – Married to Jason and approving of his nefarious theft schemes. Makes her husband late to work with all their sex having.
	Grismer (Michael Gaglio) – Grismer is the caretaker of the Atomic Hotel Erotica, and is secretly up to no good, which is obvious from the get-go. He lures in unsuspecting souls, and doesn’t stick to just a list of dumb people like he should have.
	Wilfred (Frankie Cullen) – The loyal butler for Grismer at the Atomic Hotel Erotica. Wilfred is not that gentle with bags, it’s almost as if being a butler is some sort of cover for what he’s really up to. The ladies love him like they love all butlers. It’s a fact, Jack!
	Susan (Mary Carey) – A stripper that Vince convinced to go along with him on his free vacation.
	Vince (Eric Masterson) – A Texan who got invited to the Atomic Hotel Erotica, and had to quickly find a date. It’s interesting to see how Eric Masterson has been stretching his acting muscles, before as a geeky nerd and now as a Texan with one of the most exaggerated Southern drawls you’ve ever heard.

How can you see anything with the sun’s glare shining right on the screen?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Stacked Racks from Mars (Review)

August 6, 2014ByTars Tarkas

Stacked Racks from Mars

2014
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

They got all this way before they realized they left Grandpa back at the gas station!

Earth is once again the target of alien conquest and alien lust in Stacked Racks from Mars! Invading aliens are always coming to Earth with plans to invade, and plans to have fun shore leaves, which almost always result in the aliens choosing not to invade. If there’s one thing humans are known for in the galaxy, it’s fucking anything and everything that comes to Earth. ALF, ET, Predator, Mac – they all pulled in tons of tail! Where do you think Disney gets the raw components for their latest generation of kids from?

Oh, forget the plot, let’s just make out!

Stacked Racks from Mars is another femalien invasion movie where alien ladies possess the bodies of Earth ladies and proceed to go on a sex spree. This time, the ladies specifically say they were conscious the entire time while the aliens use their bodies to have sex with random people. However, they don’t seem to be shocked at all by the experience of being possessed and coerced into situations of rape, and are instead more mad at their husbands, who have sex with the alien women. That’s a neat trick to try to dismiss the fact the women are being raped, and unfortunately I have to give demerits to Stacked Racks from Mars because I’ve never been comfortable with these scenes, and prefer everyone being totally down with getting down. At least this time the women are freed, unlike in Housewives from Another World, where they are trapped forever while the aliens control their bodies.

Stacked Racks from Mars is cartoonish in nature, with several scenes that are played up for ridiculousness. The ending especially, which gives off Benny Hill vibes and deflates what should be more serious repercussions. If you miss that spaceship set that gets used a lot in low-budget features, it makes a reappearance, complete with a sex scene on the table. All the other classic Retromedia/Synthetic Filmwerx stuff is present, from the usual core cast (with a few newbies) to the familiar music.

Wait, sex with aliens causes impotency???

	Vala 27 (Erika Jordan) – Experienced commander of infiltration and invasion missions for her empire. Despite her battle-hardened persona, still likes to engage in pleasures of the flesh in the local fashion.
	Isis 15 (Christie Stevens) – Fellow female alien conqueror. Is very interested in the pornographic transmissions of the Earth creatures. This is her first conquest/recon mission.
	Veronica (Beverly Lynne) – Customer service representative at Merton Products. Is married to Jim. Upset that her husband is always working on the weekends. Is possessed by Vala.
	Stephanie (Sophia Bella) – Fellow employee at Merton Products. Is married to Mike. Also upset that her husband is always working on the weekends. Is possessed by Isis.
	Jim (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Drone worker at Merton Products who is always busy on the weekends at work, but he’s really busy doing something mysterious with Mike. Married to Veronica. Very bad at hiding, and at acting calm.
	Mike (Seth Gamble) – Drone worker at Merton Products who is always busy on the weekends at work, but he’s really busy doing something mysterious with Jim. Very good at hiding, but not at acting calm.
	Mr. D’Angelo (Ryan Driller) – Arrogant boss at Merton Products who doesn’t respect his workers, their wives, or potential HR and lawsuit problems that come with sleeping with the wife of an employee who is also an employee.

But we have no shelves, how can we stack?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

The Super Sex Program

November 17, 2013ByTars Tarkas

The Super Sex Program

aka The Big Bust Theory

2013
Written and directed by Dean McKendrick

We lost funding to replace burnt out blinky lights…

Nerds attempt to discover the secret of love in The Super Sex Program (or The Big Bust Theory if you bought the DVD!) Alexandre Boizvert and Eric Masteron play big nerds and completely go 100% stereotypical goofy voices, like this is a lost Revenge of the Nerds chapter or an episode of The Big Bang Theory. But instead of being a bunch of jokes about nerd culture, instead we get what turns out to be a sweet story about finding out what love is, and learning to interact socially without being a loser.

We get the new logo for Synthetic Filmwerx, now abbreviated as SFW. Directed by Fred Ole— Dean McKendrick?!?!?! Yes, duty has been split between McKendrick and Ray with the latest batch of films (McKendrick wrote or cowrote many from years prior) But don’t fret, the same tone and style is still very evident in the latest batch of Bikini movies. If anything, this latest entry kicks things into a new level of story telling while still delivering naked people bumping uglies. Perhaps the tales from MRG’s brand of films are pushing the envelope into more complex storytelling, or perhaps this evolved independently (and until I watch the other films from this batch, I won’t know for sure)

She’s watched too many episodes of Double Divas on Lifetime! We must unscramble her brain.

At one point the characters develop a “love potion” that is supposed to drive women wild with passion. Normally in these films, the characters then use the potion on women and essentially rape them, or at least get the women to do things they wouldn’t normally do if they weren’t thinking straight. Here, the whole thing is thrown on it’s ear, one application doesn’t matter because the woman wants to have sex with the nerd, while the other nerd’s adventure turns out to all be in his mind and the woman rejects him (the potion also doesn’t work.)

Later, they build a woman that they’ve programmed to totally be attracted to them, like this is Weird Science or the Aerosmith video to “Hole in my Soul” Of course, this fails to work either, the robot woman is mysteriously reprogrammed to only like hot chicks. The nerds accept this programming and don’t try to program her back. The schemes of the nerds are orchestrated by their boss Dr. Carmichael, but there is a method to his madness that becomes abundantly clear.

Soon we will know what tiny skulls think about the Kardashians!

The positive and fun film is a nice breath of fresh air, and shows you can tackle some of the relationship issues MRG films cover without being forced to be 100% serious all the time. The lessons mirror those from nerd and geek film, without feeling too much like they’re covering well-tread ground. The various story threads manage to play out not quite the way you expect. And Christine Nguyen in glasses making goofy faces? Points for that alone! Jazy Berlin also throws in a great performance as the robot Alice, turning what would be in many films a forgettable role into a memorable character.

	Stanley (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – A chemical engineer who can’t understand why his superior intelligence isn’t lining up the women. Obviously there must be something wrong with all the women! Easily susceptible to head trauma.
	Walter (Eric Masterson) – A robotic engineer who needs to believe in himself. Is a lot better at solving other people’s problems than his own.
	Betty (Christine Nguyen) – Coworker at the lab that Stanley doesn’t see as a woman at all, despite her megacrush on him. Spends most of the film making faces at the ridiculous things said by Stanley and Walter.
	Tammy (Mary Carey) – New neighbor to the nerds who ends up becoming Walter’s crush, but will he ever find the confidence to do anything about it except regret?
	Alice (Jazy Berlin) – Robot built by the nerds in order for them to have sex with her, Weird Science-style. Alice is an acronym for Artificial LIfe Construct Experiment. She turns out to only like “hot chicks”
	Chad (Billy Chappell) – Oh. That guy.
	Dr. Carmichael (Michael Gaglio) – The boss of the two nerds (and Betty), who sends them on their love-seeking quest. Is far craftier than he appears.
	Cindy (Beverly Lynne) – Woman Chad picked up at the gym, he can’t remember her name, but that’s not why she’s over at his place…
	Olga (Yurizan Beltran) – Masseuse at Olga’s Massage Parlor. Rejects Walter in his attempt to get her to have sex for money. I have a feeling Olga is not her real name…

Nerds. Will they ever learn?

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