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InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dirty Blondes From Beyond (Review)

June 4, 2012By

Dirty Blondes From Beyond


2012
Written by Dean McKendrick
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

How to sum Dirty Blondes From Beyond up in one picture

With a lot more special effects than I thought they’d bring, Dirty Blondes from Beyond rockets the Bikini films closer to epic space opera status while still providing plenty of softcore situations. 2012 is also a banner year for the bikini flicks because some of the old school crew has returned, Evan Stone and Voodoo! And there is plenty of new talent on display, plenty of goofy, scifi, sexy adventures, and plenty of heavy breathing.

Bikinistar Galactica!

Dirty Blondes from Beyond follows the tradition of taking a genre film plot and turning it into a softcore erotic parody. Featuring two alien girls on the run, they wind up on planet Earth, where strange creatures called tripods exist. As there are no men on their planet, you can guess what the tripods they constantly refer to are. There are several other jokes that are pretty good, including secret government agents named Smith and Jones (along with their own name running gag!) There is no connection to Dirty Blondes or Dirty Blondes 2 despite the similar name (because this is a completely different production company!), so any hope of seeing that franchise in space is dashed. Not that we need more installments of those borefests. Dirty Blondes From Beyond does a great job of blowing them out of the water.

Who set up this candelabra so it would drip wax all over the shelf??

As usual, let’s get this Cinemax Skinemax event bagged and tagged! On with the Roll Call…

Stand by for our rap song about Dirty Blondes From Beyond!

Princess Farra (Brandin Rackley) – The good Princess of Byfrexia, whose planet is invaded in a diabolical plot to turn the Princess into a sex slave. She flees in order to save her people.
Empress Krell (Christine Nguyen) – Empress of the Vulvians, who orchestrates the mysterious storms on and subsequent invasion of Byfrexia just to get a hold of the Princess for her own pleasures. Is very spoiled, and refuses to take no for an answer.
Vema (Jazy Berlin) – Loyal bodyguard of the Princess, who manufactures her escape and gets her to Earth. Also protects the Princess from the native tripods, at least until the Princess decides she wants to do her own inspection.
Commander Tharis (Erika Jordan) – Loyal servant of Empress Krell, and her lover. Is jealous of the attention and obsession the Empress has for the Princess, but will follow her orders. Has a pet haliganon.
Agent Jones (Jenna Presley) – Government agent sent to investigate the UFO report. Is partnered with Agent Smith. A no nonsense type of woman, unless she’s affected by sexy radiation!
Agent Smith (Voodoo as Alex Boisvert) – Government Agent sent to investigate the UFO report. Has the hots for his partner, Agent Jones. Believes drunk rednecks more than he should, but ends up being proved right. Voodoo is back and now going as Alex Boisvert instead of Alexandre. Sadly, this is the first time I’ve seen him in one of these films in years and he’s acting all stiff. Though that’s due to his character here, I bet he’s 100% back in the other films shot at the same time.
Jock (Evan Stone) – Evan Stone returns as well, doing a redneck character who lives in the middle of nowhere that the two spacegirls land at. He teaches them all about being a tripod, but is often immobilized by the girls.
Will (Eric Masterson) – A UFO nut who gets involved in the mess. With his skills, he should be hired by Agent Smith and Jones’ boss immediately.
Mark Grabowsky (Michael Gaglio) – The lovable drunk guy that is the witness to the UFO. His perpetually broken car is named Bessie.
The iconic visual poetry of Dirty Blondes From Beyond!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bikini Pirates (Review)

May 11, 2012By

Bikini Pirates

aka Harlots of the Caribbean

2006
Written by Fred Olen Ray
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

You would think that one day we’ll get to the end of the Retromedia Bikini films, but you are wrong. They are being made faster than I’ve been getting copies of the films, so they’ll continue to appear on TarsTarkas.NET forever! Luckily, they are pretty entertaining, hence why they continue to appear and I haven’t given up and started reviewing The Dead End Kids films. (Okay, the Dead End Kids films are pretty good, too… Some of them.)

Bikini Pirates features a small cast, and thanks to moving the action to the remote woods, the small cast feels natural and not like they’re avoiding plot points on purpose to hide from hiring a bunch of extras. So a good call there, though it does keep people like Ted Newsom from popping up, which is sad. The opening credits play over stock footage of diving scenes set to a Pirates of the Caribbean-ish theme song. As most of these Retromedia Bikini tales open with credits over cgi effects or stills that have been run through Photoshop filters, this is a colorful and interesting diversion.

To keep from listing the prior Bikini films over and over again in the roll call below, we’ve switched to linking to the actor’s tag so you can just click that and see everything they’ve been in that we’ve covered so far:

Dustin (Voodoo as Alexandre Boisvert) – A wreck diver who tracks down sunken galleons in search of treasure. He finds more than he bargained for when he discovers the diary of Morganna the Pirate Queen in the ruins of his latest salvage.
Jill (Nicole Sheridan) – Dustin’s girlfriend, who becomes possessed with the ghost of Morganna the Pirate Queen thanks to a magical necklace. She’s the center that the quest for the buried treasure revolves around.
Joe (Randy Spears) – Dustin’s friend and partner in the wreck diving business, who enjoys diving wrecks almost as much as vacations in the woods and having threeways with his friend’s girlfriend.
Susan (Beverly Lynne) – Joe’s girlfriend who is along for the treasure hunting ride. A bigger believer in seances than Joe or Dustin.
Morganna the Pirate Queen (Rebecca Love) – The terror of the seven seas and the lover of the seven seas, Morganna the Pirate Queen ruled the waves and made waves in the bedroom. And now she’s back in ghost form!
Captain Tygus (Evan Stone) – Morganna’s loyal captain who has returned with her to help find the missing treasure and help their souls rest once and for all. So they’ll be free to get it on in the afterlife!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Corporate Fantasy (Review)

May 5, 2012By

Corporate Fantasy


1999
Directed by Charles Randazzo
Written by Catalina Larranaga and Garrett Clancy

Mystique films brings us some office-based romance with Corporate Fantasy. You know a softcore is more high class because pseudo-popish songs playing during the action scenes as opposed to light jazz. The film should be sexy, but parts of it are dry and parts crammed in. Catalina Larranaga wrote the film with Garrett Clancy, I get the feeling she wrote the main story and he “punched it up” with the models and other additional sex scenes. Which is fine, you gotta sell the film somehow, and the story is still intact.

The styles of the film date it as a 1990s film, even if it comes at the tail end of the 1990s. Office attire for women is so period specific that you can’t get around it. Thus, right now the film looks older than it is because of the fashion, but in 10 years the film will look less old because some of those fashions/hair styles will be back in style. And kids who weren’t just hitting the offices in the late 90’s won’t even be familiar enough with the fashions to recognize it as dated, so it will blow right past them. Those of use who grew up in the era and witnessed models wearing the same clothes with the same hairstyles don’t see the fashion as a big deal at all, and the glamorous fashion helps Corporate Fantasy look like a much more expensive film than it probably is.

Daisy Dawson (Tracy Ryan as Tracy Smith) – Daisy is the young new attractive employee at the advertising agency that becomes the target of everyone with a Y chromosome. Daisy is shocked, shocked that this could happen, especially after the disaster that was her last relationship. Can things come up roses for Daisy? Or come up daisies? But not pushing up daisies, because that means people die. This is Corporate Fantasy, not Corporate Massacre! Tracy Ryan was active in both soft and hardcore films (her hardcore aliases include Avalon) and had a whole pack of names she went by.
Gloria (Catalina Martone as Catalina Larranaga) – Gloria is the older, more experience, more bad of the three girls, but not so bad she’s evil, she just has sex with married dudes while at the office. But she’s a hard worker and cares about her friends. Catalina Martone is familiar to anyone who saw her dozens of softcore films from the 90s and 00s. And she helped write this one.
Tammy (Susan Featherly) – She’s southern. Did you know she’s from the south? Because her southern accent just shelled Ft. Sumter. Susan Featherly was a softcore actress active in the late 90s-early 00s, appearing in films such as Andromina: The Pleasure Planet, The Awakening of Gabriella, and Virtual Girl 2: Virtual Vegas.
Orlando (Jarod Carey) – The sort of nice guy at the office who occasionally gets caught up in the filthy shenanigans of his fellow male coworkers.
Blake Tyler (John Gallucci) – The sleazy manager of the agency and chief promoter of the sleazy guy behavior and office theft. John Gallucci is a pretty good actor, I’m surprised he’s hardly in anything.
Kevin (Karl Preston) – Kevin is the blond guy who is married, but that doesn’t stop him from doing Gloria. He also rips off his workplace and commits sexual harassment.
David (Brian Nowak) – Loyal mailclerk and secret CEO. Shhhh! Don’t tell anyone he’s really the CEO. Even though it’s a bit obvious…

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot (Review)

April 28, 2012By

Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot


2011
Written and directed by William Burke

I must go, but you can always catch my lone movie role in Robot Monster!

Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot gives us what we want – Bigfoot running around a nudist camp! Also we got UFOs, crazy dudes, the Loch Ness Monster, and goofy fun. It all rolls up into a Sasquatchtacular adventure and some fun late night viewing.

The overall plot is fun and quick paced, there never seems to be a point where things drag out, which can be a problem with some of the softcore films. The actors are all energetic, and most put on a naturalistic approach to acting, feeling like real friends that you are hanging out with rather than characters. Albina Nahar is the standout actress who almost steals the show, she’s having a lot of fun. But everyone does their jobs very well, the chemistry is great, even the chemistry of everyone hating Dirk! The Sasquatch costume is well built, though it looks a tad familiar. There are a few technical problems, some of the outdoor scenes are a bit overexposed. There is also an editing problem, where there are a few shots that seem to be focusing on an item (for either a joke or an emotional punch) but we either don’t get a clear view of the item or a shot of it wasn’t edited in in post. A notable examples is the floating tarot card of The Lovers at the end of Veruca and Flower’s sex scene, the card is not seen clearly and I only recognize it because I’ve seen a copy of the tarot deck they are using. This actually made me sad, because that stuff made the scenes more creative. William Burke obviously had fun setting up the many many many many weird positions for some of the sex scenes, and several other examples of having fun with sex scenes (i.e. the speed up sequence that explains why Mike is tired) show care was taken in every part of the film.

Prudence and Veruca watch the funniest episode of 2 Broke Girls ever!

Let’s talk about Bigfoot! Longtime readers will probably not be surprised to know this is not the first film I’ve seen with Bigfoot sexing up a girl and with Bigfoot raping a dude. I’ve even seen Ape Canyon in a theater with the director there! There is a whole subgenre of films with Bigfoot sexing up women or raping them, and let’s not even get into the books/fan fiction. Just look up Sasquatchploitation for more info than you ever want to know. Another common Bigfoot trope is UFOs, both in films and in real life Bigfoot sightings. It’s just cooler to say you saw Bigfoot and UFOs instead of just one.

Where did you find a waiter in the middle of the swamp??

The Sasquatch in Sweet Prudence & the Erotic Adventure of Bigfoot is not mean spirited or Bigfoot being overly perverted, he just seems to get aroused when the women are already running around naked for various reasons, though he’s perfectly willing to do the deed when offered (or not offered!) The opening credits take form of comic book cover and panels by Aaron Lane and help give us the feel that the whole thing is too pulpy to take serious. And will we see a whole series of Sweet Prudence dealing with erotic paranormal encounters? Maybe we will, if you buy enough DVDs/watch it on Cinemax/Maxgo!

Hey, that UFO has a “Mystery Spot” bumper sticker!

Prudence (Angie Bates) – Former cryptozoology major looking to regain her reputation and degree by capturing photos of Bigfoot. Innocent and sweet, incapable of lying, and incapable of lying in wait without pleasuring herself. Best friends with her roommate Veruca.
Veruca (Albina Hussain as Albina Nahar) – An erotic blogwriter under the pen name Salimae, Veruca is more interesting in looking for thrills instead of looking for Bigfoot. But she supports her friend Prudence and dreams of lumberjacks to help spice up her writing. Instead, she finds commune girls, but that’s just as good or even better…
Flower (Heather O’Donnell) – A hippie tarot zen master guru in charge of the local naturalist retreat where Bigfoot has been spotted recently. A big believer in visualizing good thoughts and manifesting them into reality.
Mike (Michael Slade) – Prudence’s friend and schoolmate who was unjustly dragged into the loss of his degree due to her shenanigans. Helps her track down Bigfoot thanks to some convincing, and finds love while doing so.
Ginger (Lynzey Patterson) – Freespirit worker at the naturist retreat who is the first to spot Bigfoot. Is practically insatiable.
Dr. Dirk (Luke Gallo) – A Bigfoot hunter who also came to the resort in secret. Is abrasive, loud, obnoxious, foulmouthed, and seems totally out of place from the rest of the cast and their granola free love attitudes.
The Creature (Daniel Moshe Johnson) – He’s Big! He’s got a foot! Okay, he’s got TWO feet! It’s Bigfoot, and he’s trapped on Earth and naked women are everywhere! What’s an ape to do?
Nothing can go wrong with this plan!
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros (Review)

April 26, 2012By

Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros


2010
Written and Directed by Fred Olen Ray (as Nicholas Medina)

Hey! Zip it while I’m translating ancient ruins, buddy!

We’re back in black and back in bikinis for yet another entry in the ever-growing Fred Olen Ray Bikini Movie Madness! This time, the world of Indiana Jones gets bikinied a Bikini Jones! Join that ever-sexy science field of archeology as Bikini Jones seduces her hands onto the Idol so she can unlock its secrets before the never-do-wells get their mitts on it and on Bikini Jones’s own golden idol. Bikini Jones features many of the regular cast members circa 2010, most of which have appeared in enough films it’s simpler just to link to their tags than to list all the films over and over again for each actor. Fred Olen Ray reuses the talent because they can get the job done, and done right, and done quickly. But mostly done right.

The later seasons of The Dog Whisperer started to throw in gimmicks for ratings…

Bikini Jones is fun, has fun things going on, and is worth your time. But don’t take my word for it, read the review and then take my word for it! Wait a minute…

Olsen Twin Cop! She’s a cop, and an Olsen Twin.

Dr. Bikini Jones (Christine Nguyen) – A famous archeologist and expert in translating ancient languages. And at having lots of sex. What do you expect when you name your daughter Bikini? The Jones family should be banned from handing out names…
Evilla Cruella (Heather Vandeven) – Again with the names that force their owners into a life out of their control. Evilla Cruella was doomed from the start. She’s from Hobokin, but comes from a long line of Morons. Wants to be ruler of Moronica.
Carol Summers (Rebecca Love) – An excellent cypher from the Department of National Antiquities…or is she????
Drago (Frankie Cullen) – Frankie Cullen shows up playing what probably would have been the Evan Stone role, as Evilla’s main henchman. Does the dirty work and the dirty deeds.
Mr. Martin (Ted Newsom) – The CIA boss who hires Bikini Jones so they can stop Evilla from getting her hands on Moronica.
Mark X (Billy Chappell as Tony Marino) – Oh….THAT GUY.
Janette the Security guard (Brynn Tyler) – A security guard straight from that school from the Armed and Dangerous movie… Brynn Tyler is the only newcomer in this flick.
Sacred Idol of Eros (himself) – The most famous idol from Eros….ever!
The Guardian of Moronica (CGI) – Moronica is full of rocks, Morons, and this guy, who eats everyone. No wonder Moronica’s economy is in the toilet…
What do you call a tyrannosaurus that talks and talks and talks? A dinobore! I’ll be here all week, folks.
Dirty Blondes
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Dirty Blondes (Review)

April 19, 2012By

Dirty Blondes


2004
Written and directed by Francis Locke

The only thing you need to know is “Bottomless Archeology”

From Torchlight Pictures comes another softcore flick involving five minutes of plot and 80 minutes of getting it on. This time, the action concerns groups of archeologists at two dig sites and their exciting adventures of digging up some bowls the producer bought at Ross that weekend. One of the two locations of the action is the Mojave Desert, which is played by the desert location that is used in a lot of Torchlight Pictures films. Dirty Blondes even spawned a sequel that takes place in the same desert. The pair of titular Dirty Blondes are not in the desert, but are located in set piece number two, a lush rainforest. This helps break up the monotony of the bleak desert landscape. Let’s also applaud Dirty Blondes for not having any scene be set in a hotel, like most of the other Torchlight Pictures desert features.

Francis Locke breaks out another picture that has its plot on the ultra-Slim-Fast diet. The songs of Blade Simpson (if that is his real name) is used for the soundtrack, which is the same Blade Simpson CD used in practically every Torchlight film that uses him as a soundtrack. Familiar music can sometimes be comforting, such as the familiar music in the Fred Olen Ray Bikini movies or the songs in Jim Wynorski flicks.

Once again, the world of archeology is sexy. It’s the most sexy science field according to all these softcore flicks, where they’re always uncovering ancient sexy civilizations or spirits of queens or artifacts that make people want to bone. You rarely see biochemists getting it on.

Let’s get this archeological dig started, Indiana Jones style! As for the dudes in the cast, I don’t know who is who for Rafe or Scott Alexander, so I’m sadly not able to mention humorous porn titles they’ve been in. It will be a mystery for the ages.

Phillip (???) – Leader of Team Mojave and a noted archeologist. You’ve probably heard of him. The famous Phillip. Employs his sister and women he has sex with. No conflict of interest here.
Jenny (Allysin Chaynes) – Team Mojave member of the archeology crew, spends most of the film either without pants or without a shirt. She’s only without both during the sex scenes, which she’s also in a lot of. Allysin Chaynes is an adult film actress who has been hammered more than a blacksmith’s hammer in such fine films as Double Penetration Virgins 8: DP Commandos, Look What I Found in the Street 5: Bus Stop Edition, and Long Dong Black Kong 1.
Rex (Frank Fortuna) – Member of Team Mojave who spends most of the film having sex with his female teammate Jenny. Frank Fortuna is an adult film star who has gone deep into more trenches than James Cameron in such films as Unbelievably Blond; Panties, She Wrote; and Cream Filling 2: Refill
April (Holly Hollywood) – One of the two Dirty Blondes and a lesbiarcheologist. She is part of Team Bora Bora and Phillip’s sister. The famous Phillip that you’ve heard of. Holly Hollywood is an adult film actress who also has appeared in a score of softcore adventures such as The Erotic Mis-Adventures of the Invisible Man and The Model Solution.
Debbie Korvich (Jana Cova) – The other Dirty Blonde and the second lesbiarcheologist. Team Bora Bora. Has an accent. Jana Cova has had her curtains parted more times than the Fox Theater in such adult films such as Who Let the Cats Out, Lesbian Truth or Dare 1, and They Tied Me Topless.
Laka (Teanna Kai) – A native girl at Bora Bora who is friends with the Dirty Blondes. Like all Bora Borans, she runs around topless, has had a boob job, and has sex with random surfer dudes. Teanna Kai is an adult film performer who has been packed more than the Cheesecake Factory on a Friday night in such films as Lettin’ Her Fingers Do The Walking, Rub The Muff 7, and Private Sports 3: Desert Foxxx.
Joe Torrence (???) – Surfer Joe Torrence is all about the perfect wave and looking for his dead father’s body. Dr. Torrence is his father and the evil Dr. Drake Mordecai is Joe’s uncle.

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