Kickboxer and Bloodsport both getting remakes, but where is the Double Team remake???

Remaking Jean-Claude Van Damme films is all the rage in Hollywood for some reason best known by the coven of witches who determine which projects are greenlit (the Which Witches, for those in the industry!) But those witches have yet to give us the Double Team remake America craves, instead we’re getting the leftovers.

First up is a remake of Bloodsport from Relativity Media, James McTeigue directs a film that has a completely different plot. How is this a remake again?

Relativity’s version will instead focus on the morally-conflicted life of 21st century mercenaries who clash with the underground world of Brazilian Vale Tudo, the martial arts style used by Donald Gibb’s character in the original film.

It has already gone through a pack of writers and set to be rewritten again, a sure sign of a quality story. No one is cast yet.

Besides Bloodsport, Kickboxer is also getting made, helmed by Stephen Fung, the guy who directed those not very good Tai Chi Zero/Hero movies. Once again, no one is cast yet.

Y’all remember the saga of Kickboxer, right?

Kickboxer 1 featured JCVD coming out of retirement and taking to the kickboxing ring after his brother is crippled by the evil guy named Po. Kickboxer then defeats Po via kickboxing and becomes champion of illegal kickboxing.

Kickboxer 2 features actors who are totally JCVD and his crippled brother being gunned down by Po, forcing the third unknown brother, Cousin Cody who lived in a van in Step By Step, to come out of retirement to kickbox the crap out of Po, which he does.

Kickboxer 3 featured Cousin Cody going to South America and being friends with kids and kickboxing some evil dudes.

Kickboxer 4 ditches the kids, Cousin Cody somehow got married, then his wife is kidnapped by Po and Cousin Cody was framed for murder and is in jail. He’s let out to fight in Po’s latest tournament, where he wears no disguise because jail made him hard or something. Eventually a bunch of people get kickboxed, including the new actor playing Po (a Tunisian wearing yellowface) but Po somehow escapes both the film and the franchise.

Kickboxer 5 features Cousin Cody being murdered via newspaper headline, and then Some Guy (Mark Dacascos, the Some Guy of DTV action films) is the new Kickboxer, and he kickboxes South Africans who wish they were as cool as the South African villains in Lethal Weapon 2.

In conclusion, Free South Africa, you dumb son of a bitch!