Animal Planet has deviated from animals in recent years with lame tv shows like
Finding Bigfoot (spoiler: they don’t) or ridiculous specials on Mermaids, which had two whole specials about how mermaids just may be real and also Animal Planet has been huffing too much glue. But enough on how stupid the
Mermaids: The Body Found and
Mermaids: The New Evidence are, and how the US government had to put out a press release saying mermaids aren’t real (
This actually happened!), because now Animal Planet is airing original movies.
Most notably, they are airing Asylum’s Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys on Memorial Day, May 25th. Blood Lake: Attack of the Killer Lampreys stars Shannon Doherty, Christopher Lloyd, and Jason Brooks as lampreys attack a Michigan town like lampreys are known to do.
Brooks and Doherty are Mike and Cat, who have moved to the new town so Mike can help Mayor Akerman (Lloyd) deal with the lampreys. Animal Planet series River Monsters star Jeremy Wade also appears, odds are he’s gonna get chomped to show how serious the situation is.
And that’s not all, there is something called Man-Eating Zombie Cats also airing on Animal Planet –
An incurable zombie-like pathogen is spreading fast, turning big cats around the world into fearless man killers. These mindless predators have a sensational thirst for blood and the human population is now their biggest target.
Basically, it’s The Corpse Grinders, except with tigers. I can’t find any other information about this…film?
And let’s not forget Nature’s Most Wanted, which will be a series where people look for man-eating crocodiles and alligators and things. I’m sure it will be a serious discussion about man’s encroachment upon nature and the lack of sufficient natural space for apex predators, and not a ridiculous farce.
All of the prior films are part of Monster Week, but…
That’s still not all, because Animal Planet has ordered another film called Revenge of the Whale, based on the tale that inspired Moby Dick and starring Martin Sheen!
Sheen will portray Thomas Nickerson, who tells a story about his life as a cabin boy on the ill-fated voyage of the whaling ship The Essex. The movie is a co-production with the BBC and reimagines what happened when the most hunted sea creature finally turned on its killers and fought back.
All of this I prefer to Animal Planet’s current programming, including a fake and animal mistreating show called Call of the Wildman that deserves to get a bunch of fuckos arrested for animal abuse.
So. Yeah. Animal Planet. Your new home for monster movies. After all, SyFy hasn’t aired a film all year (Bermuda Tentacles on April 12th will be their first all year!), so the diaspora must go somewhere. And with Animal Planet’s increasingly stupid programming, it is the perfect fit for killer zombie tigers.
I would watch this film!
Lamprey image via Wikimedia commons
