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Chanbara Striptease
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Chanbara Striptease (Review)

December 10, 2010By

Chanbara Striptease

aka Oppai Chanbara

2008
Directed by Akira Hirose

Chanbara Striptease came out to capitalize on the Chanbara Beauty films, it even has the same font on the poster to further cement the relationship it is exploiting, even if the actual film has nothing to do with the Chanbara Beauty films. But that applies to Japan, while here in America few people have even heard of Chanbara Beauty films, though probably more know about the games than the films. As Chanbara Striptease was originally released in Japan as Oppai Chanbara (Oppai is Japanese for “Breast), that meant this film was originally called Breast Chanbara. Oddly enough, they thought that direct translation title wouldn’t do well here. Americans must be too dumb, they need to know that the Breasts will be naked! Keep in mind it wasn’t the Japanese production company coming up with this brilliant marketing, this was Americans. Thus, Chanbara Striptease. The American DVD release has the tagline “Blades, Babes, & Boobs…” which is accurate, except we don’t get enough of any of them. But I’m just a man who always demands more.

Despite the cheap origins, the films does make a few feeble attempts to be more than what it is. Lili’s character has to cope with the fact she’s taken life and will have to take more to make things right. She has trouble adjusting despite her years of training to prepare her for using the Sayama Hashinryu, the deadly killing martial art passed down only by women. We also get smatterings of honor, noble sacrifice, and morality tales. But eventually it must all take a backseat to half-naked chicks swinging swords around with awkward abandon. Come on, Japan, can’t you give your AV stars years of training in swordplay choreography? I thought you were cool

Lili (Ryo Akanishi) – Lili is just your average modern ninja girl sent back in time while being initiated into the martial art of Sayama Hashinryu. Her martial arts skills allow her glowing breasts to give her vast powers to defeat the evil Yamishika gang and save the Iida village. and also to get it on with dudes from 300 years ago. Ryo Akanishi is an AV star who has made more porn by 9am than you will ever watch.
Hikoichi (Yoichi Matsuda) – Villager of Iida village back in the past and brother of Yae. Lili likes him, but as Hikoichi has never been with a woman he is constantly spazzing out.
Lady Okinu (Lulu Anoa-aka Ruru Anoa) – Evil female head of the Yamishika gang, spends most of the film standing around taunting people while holding a pipe. Do you wanna get pipe-taunted? You might think you do but you really don’t. Lulu Anoa is an AV star who you can easily find disturbing images of on Google.
Yae (Sasa Handa) – Pregnant resident of Iida village and Hikoichi’s sister. Her husband Tosuke is constantly yelling and over-exaggerating everything he says and does. So when you have several AV stars in your movie, why would you make one pregnant the entire time and thus unable to run around in the buff? It doesn’t make much sense. When Sasa Handa isn’t starring in an amazing number of adult films, she shows up in genre fare like Kekko Kamen Royale and The Girls Rebel Force of Competitive Swimmers.
Grandma (???) – Grandma teaches Lili all about the martial art Sayama Hashinryu.

InMovie News

Swamp Shark, Super Shark, Psycho Shark, and Mega Shark II

November 16, 2010By

There are a bunch of new shark movies coming out soon, so here is a look at some of them, the ones we’ve decided to care about because we gotta be selective, don’t you know?

Swamp Shark:
Kirsty Swanson IS Swamp Shark. Oh, wait, Kirsty Swanson IS starring in Swamp Shark. My bad! It’s directed by Griff Furst, son of many-time SciFi movie director Stephen Furst (of Animal House fame) and Griff Furst was also in Transmorphers and Basilisk: The Serpent King.
A sneak peak scene:

via

Super Shark:
Fred Olen Ray can’t stay away from the shark movie money madness, so now we got another shark film called Super Shark! And this shark can walk! creature effects by BFX Imageworks, Inc.
Starring John Schneider (Dukes of Hazzard John Schneider) and Jimmie JJ Walker, along with Jerry Lacy, Tim Abell, Ted Monte, Sarah Lieving, Rebbeca Grant, Randy Mulkey, Shane Van Dyke, Mike Gaglio, and Dylan Vox


Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus:
Asylum sequel to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, originally titled Mega Shark vs. Giganotosaurus, but that was too close to an actual dinosaur name that was a plant eater, hardly the type to go fight a Mega Shark.

The Megalodon has survived its battle with the giant octopus from the previous film. But now, a new prehistoric terror is discovered deep in the jungles of Africa.
Starring Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving, Robert Picardo, and Gerald Webb. Directed by Chris Ray, which will be his third film but may end up the first one released as Reptisaurus and Megaconda both seem stuck in post-production.

It comes out December 21st! Make your Christmas a Mega Shark Christmas!

Mega Python vs. Gatoroid:
Not a shark film, but it sprang partially from the Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus film and Mega Piranha, as Debbie Gibson was in one and Tiffany in the other. Now they’re both in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and their going to kick each other’s butts! Unless the Mega Pythons or Gatoroids get them first…

Psycho Shark (a.k.a. Jaws in Japan):
CHECK OUT OUR REVIEW OF PSYCHO SHARK HERE!!!
College students Miki and Mai arrive on a private beach on a tropical island. They can’t find the hotel where they booked their reservations, and have gotten hopelessly lost, until a handsome young man shows up, offering to take them to his lodge. But something is not right about the place. The owner’s fingernails are tainted with blood and Miki feels something sinister lurking nearby.

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Magic Sword of Watari (Review)

October 17, 2010By

The Magic Sword of Watari

aka Watari and the 7 Monsters aka Golden Boy subdues Monsters

1970
Directed by Yang Moo-nwa

Mitsuteru Yokoyama created the manga Masked Ninja Akakage (Red Shadow) in 1966, which became a Toei tokustatsu series in 1967 that ran 52 episodes. The ninja Akakage and his sidekicks Aokage (played by child star Yoshinobu Kaneko) and Shirokage wander around feudal Japan fighting evil dudes, crazy wizards, and giant monsters. Several of the episodes were stitched together to make three flicks that were farmed out to various markets, titled Ninjascope: The Magic World of Ninjas, Watari the Conqueror, and Watari and the Fantastiks. The three films have recently been released on DVD. The show’s young boy star Yoshinobu Kaneko also starred in the film Watari Ninja Boy (Daininjutsu eiga Watari), which is why some of the Akakage films were renamed with Watari in the title.

Yoshinobu Kaneko then made two films in Taiwan in 1970 that were co-productions with Japan. According to Yoshinobu Kaneko’s own website, the two films were called Momotaro Young Dragon and Momotaro restrains the Seven Monsters. The second film is also known as Watari and the 7 Monsters, aka The Magic Sword of Watari, aka Golden Boy and the Seven Monsters, aka Golden Boy subdues Monsters. Which would be this very film!

Now, if this reuses some monster footage from the Akakage tv series, I have no idea. I have not seen any of these monsters in photos I saw of the Akakage series, but I haven’t watched all 52 episodes.

Peachboy! – The legend of Peachboy is a classic Japanese legend. It goes like this: Momotaro (aka Peachboy) is found inside a giant peach by a childless couple, and eventually Momotaro goes to an island to kill a bunch of demons. On the way, he makes friends with a dog, a monkey, and a pheasant. There are several films about this legend, along with a lot of cartoons and tv shows, many of which are wacky. However, The Magic Sword of Watari only follows parts of this story, and instead becomes just another Taiwanese film about a boy who flies around and kills a bunch of monsters.

We got white subs on white backgrounds most of the time! But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles! Or even partial subtitles!

Peach (Yoshinobu Kaneko) – A boy from a giant peach who has super powers and flies around and is awesome and acts amazingly like the character from Watari that Yoshinobu Kaneko played, even down to having some of the same weapons. So they took him and shoved him into some of the Peach Boy/Momotaro mythos.
Lee Yu (???) – A Fox Spirit caught by Peach who joins him on his quest. Has the power to turn into pretty much anything. Is an orphan.
Pearl (???) – Farmer’s daughter, is to be sacrificed to the demon Frogger until Peach kicks it’s butt. Becomes Peach’s sister in name only as a result, thus spending the last half of the movie moping over Peach’s sick mom.
Frogger (???) – The frog demon guy that is either named devil or god or god-devil or whatever Subtitle Guy wanted to call him that sentence, so we’re just calling him Frogger because he’s a giant frog. Except when he’s a guy, or a guy riding a giant frog. Anyway, his career of demanding virgins comes to an end when he is killed.
Peach’s Dad/Old Guy (???) – Peach’s dad, found Peach in a giant peach in the river. His wife is sick and he spends most of the film looking after her.
Demon Master (???) – The head of the demons who guard the magic plant Peach is after. He looks like he’s inspired by the Japanese Tengu spirit masks.

Seduce and Swindle
InMovie Reviews, Video Reviews

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Episode 102 – Seduce & Swindle

September 13, 2010By

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Two teams compete to give the best reviews of bad movies. In this episode, Team B’s first entry is a review of the Japanese film Seduce and Swindle, set in the cutthroat world of marriage swindling. Is it enough to get the lead and win the fabulous prizes? Or is Team B now in danger of being blasted to the moon?

Visit us on Youtube. And remember, it’s Seduction Time!

Seduce and Swindle

Battle League Horumo
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Battle League Horumo (Review)

August 31, 2010By

Battle League Horumo

aka Kamogawa Horumo

2009
Directed by Katsuhide Motoki
Based on the novel by Manabu Makime

All of us who have been to college know the excitement of the day where all the clubs get to set up tables and try to convince people to join up. Chess Club, Young Democrats, Free Tibet, that club that build a solar car, and the club where you command armies of demons to battle other demons. What, your school didn’t have a Horumo Club? They’re the greatest thing ever if you like CGI demon sprites (called Oni) beating each other with clubs while the human controllers make weird gestures commanding the troops. I commanded a Horumo squad back in my days at Mizzou and we won all sorts of battles: the Battle of the University Bookstore, the Battle of the 7-11 near campus, the Battle of Jesse Hall, the Battle of Stop Raising Our Damn Tuition, the last one being more of a riot than a battle and demons in riot gear had to be bussed in from East Hades.

But, still, Horumo battling was the fourth best time of my life, behind only my marriage, writing for this site, and the time I found a green ring and became a lantern or something.

Battle League Horumo is from Japan, because Japan specializes in stories about humans controlling various tiny things in battle with each other. That and cartoon seizure robots. BLH (as I’ll call it from now on because laziness rules) is based on a book by Manabu Makime that I haven’t read because I can only read Japanese children’s books.

BLH suffers from one major flaw – it is totally slow. The plot drags on and on. I am not sure how they got it to drag so slowly as Japan seems to specialize in films clocking in at barely over an hour. But BLH manages to be two hours long! Looks like Korea is influencing cinema again. So if you got a movie where people control CGI demon sprites, shouldn’t you show the freaking sprites before 50 minutes into the movie? But don’t let me complaining in the intro satisfy your urge, let’s complain as the movie unfolds!

Akira Abe (Takayuki Yamada) – Akira Abe is just a college freshman who gets dragged into the world of Horumo due to his stomach and his wang. And while his stomach gets full, his wang never gets the satisfaction of being inside Kyoko Sawara like it wants to. But as he ends up with Chiaki Kuriyama, he can’t complain. SPOILERS!
Fumi Kusunoki (Chiaki Kuriyama) – I find Chiaki Kuriyama more fitting for the hot babe role played by Sei Ashina, even with the glasses and wig, but Japan seems to be suffering from “girl with glasses = ugly” syndrome so popular in the US. They explain her look as that of some 80’s comedienne referred to as the “licking lady.” I have no idea if this is a real person or just a joke from the book that made it into the movie. It probably doesn’t really matter, but maybe at some point five years from now someone will read this review and leave a comment with the answer. And minds will be blown. In any event, if you don’t know who Chiaki Kuriyama is, then you probably don’t belong on the internet because this is nerd knowledge of the most basic degree.
Koichi Takamura (Gaku Hamada) – Akira’s buddy from America who gets dragged into this Horumo business despite being the kind of person who cracks under pressure. Getting punished by the gods is just another Thursday for Takamura.
Kyoko Sawara (Sei Ashina) – Kyoko Sawara is the hot babe of the group. She’s Akira’s crush, but then he finds out her terrifying secret – she’s dating a jerk. Maybe he should have asked her out in the year or so he had where they were just friends. You might have seen Sei Ashina in the movie Silk, but then again, no one saw that movie.
Mitsuru Ashiya (Takuya Ishida) – The bad boy of the group because he is angry. I didn’t even know he was supposed to be a main character until 2/3rds of the way into the film. And thats with all the extra padding they put in that was supposed to add flavor and characterization.
Makoto Sugawara (YosiYosi Arakawa) – The current head of the club, 499th president. He takes charge of everything and is in a lot of the movie, but we don’t really get a feel for just who Makoto Sugawara is. Someone who writes songs about rainbows? A lover? A dreamer? Me?

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Assault Girls (Review)

July 23, 2010By

Assault Girls

aka Asaruto garuzu

2009
Written and Directed by Mamoru Oshii

Hot chicks shooting up giant sand whales in a post apocalyptic future should be an easy sell. Except for the fact the film isn’t really about that and is instead just a video game level. The film is short as heck, but that doesn’t stop it from being filled with lots of padding from the worst opening narration experience since Alone in the Dark to many scenes of people just walking in the desert.

Add the above to the fact the women speak badly accented English muffled behind breathing masks and we got a film that is more annoying than anything else. Luckily, parts of the film are just in Japanese, and thanks to our impatient nature we have the import DVD cuz we aren’t gonna wait for it to finally get around to having an official US release. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

The film is connected to Mamoru Oshii’s 2001 film Avalon, as the game the players are playing is Avalon(f), and there are references to other established canon from the Avalon film. Mamoru Oshii is probably best known in the west for directing Ghost in the Shell, one of the films that everyone who was into anime talked about all the time until I started ignoring everyone who was into anime. Now I just ignore everyone, because I’m too cool for school ::puts on shades::

Instead of being cool and dealing with the fact there is a movie filled with hot chicks fighting monsters, Assault Girls instead tries to impress us, then tries to give us a feast for the eyes, and finally delivers the goods. Except the only impression is of boring psychobabble, the feast for the eyes is more like a famine, and the goods arrive late and in small quantities. I can’t recommend enough that you don’t bother with Assault Girls. The best thing I can say about it is that it was mercifully short. But don’t take my word for it, follow along for yourself!

Gray (Meisa Kuroki) – Player 0251, spends much of the film cruising around in her jet and posing in the desert. Finally gets around to organizing the Assault Girls into a raiding party. It is almost as if she forgot how MMORPGs work. (She is probably really a male 43 year old divorced Lowes employee with Aspergers.) Meisa Kuroki is a Japanese model/actress who is starting to hit the big time.
Lucifer (Rinko Kikuchi) – Player 0666, who rarely speaks and spends most of her scenes dancing. Can transform into a bird so she’s probably a big fan of Animorphs. (She’s probably really an 11 year old boy with Aspergers.) Rinko Kikuchi was nominated for an Oscar. And now she’s in this. Holy Linda Hunt, Batman!
Colonel (Hinako Saeki) – Player 0266, a friend of snails. Always dressed in red, so you can tell the girls apart. Or maybe it is like Power Rangers… Anyway, she commands a robot thing at one point, something we can all aspire to. I command robots all the time (this is actually true) because my job is awesome. (She’s probably a male 57 year old website designer with Aspergers)
Jager (Yoshikazu Fujiki) – Player 538, what the hell is a dude doing in my Assault Girls? Get the heck out of here, you creep!
Sand Whales (CGI) – This particular Sand Whale is Desert 22 Flag – Madara – who is the end boss the Assault Girls and Scruffy Dude are hunting. Complete with rocket launchers like all real sand whales.
Snail (Isao NO. 1- 5) – Five snails played the snail that becomes the focus of our heroes as the movie drifts into more and more boring territory. Sadly, one snail is eaten, it is unknown it was a real snail, but probably.
Random Dog (Pasta) – Why not have a dog randomly in one brief scene for no reason? It makes as much sense as everything else in this flick! Also bonus statue photo!

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