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Shaitani Dracula
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Shaitani Dracula (Review)

September 9, 2008By

Shaitani Dracula


2006
Directed, Written, and Produced by Harinam Singh

This is one of the most ridiculous films I have ever seen. Believe me, I have seen some doozies! I believe I have found the Ed Wood of India, or at least one Ed Wood, as there are probably half a dozen considering their massive film output. Harinam Singh is his name, he directed, wrote, produced, and stars in the film, a pedigree you usually see in fan films. Harinam Singh also directed Shaitaani Aatma and Jeb Katari, quality films. It is hard to find out information about him due to a healer with a similar name.

As for the rest of the cast, I can list their names, but I am unable to match them up to their characters. Many of them are credited with just a single name, which is sort of hard to Google. In addition, the B-films of Bollywood have little if any information in English, so it is already a stacked deck. I’ll list the cast members here, and maybe someone can help. The few stories I did find about Shaitani Dracula mentioned it took 15 days to film. Starring Shweta, Harinam Singh, Somiya, Jaya, Vivek, Kanhaiya, Shabnam, Pooja, Asha, Kamleesh Singh, Advocate Dube, and many others.

Advocate Dube?

The plot of Shaitani Dracula (translates to Devil’s Dracula) basically involves Dracula and some of his creepy goons harassing some campers in order for him to seduce some young ladies for dinner. That sounds like a straightforward plot, but that is the only thing straightforward. First, this film is a jumbled mess of edits, pointless scenes, and padding. A large portion of the film is just various characters wandering around the forest at night, usually alone, but occasionally being stalked by someone spooky. The film is edited by someone who somehow can operate despite being overdosed on caffeine, crack, Speed, heroin, LSD, irritable bowel syndrome, huffing paint, bipolar disorder, and ADD. There are more cuts in 15 minutes of Shaitani Dracula than in most major feature films. And yet, in those 15 minutes and thousands of cuts, nothing happens! In fact, the bulk of this review will be sorting out the various minions of Dracula. As you will read, the movie’s narrative is like a patchwork quilt of random. Don’t expect it to make sense, because it doesn’t. At all.

Shaitani Dracula‘s scenes were all done in one take. They didn’t bother with reshoots for either wardrobe malfunctions or even to put the actresses in focus. No one seems to be able to get the camera to focus on anything in wide shots, the few closeups are the only time we get a 100% clear picture. Shaitani Dracula is available on VCD, and it is evident that the VCD was sourced from a VHS tape, as there are a few rough patches late into the film. The VCD has no subtitles, but when has that ever stopped us? At TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinkin’ subtitles!

InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil (Review)

February 5, 2007By

Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil

aka Tera Jism Our Mera Dil

19??
Starring
???? as Suret
???? as Mami
???? as Doli
???? as Pajama Pimp
???? as Dunkin Donuts Guy
Directed by Ragava Rao

Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil is an Indian “erotic” film. Please note the quotes. There are several points that can be brought up here thanks to the term Indian “erotic” film. First of all, many of you know that Indian films become controversial if actors and actresses even KISS on screen, much less do the bedroom bam-bam. Fire director Deepa Mehta was criticized for having lesbians (and lesbians named after Hindu gods for worse!) and eventually had to no longer make films in India, while Kama Sutra director Mira Nair had her filmed banned in both India and Pakistan. There was even problems with the terrible C U at 9 film because the characters dared kiss and imply sex. No one mentions anything bad happening to the creators of Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil, mostly because there is absolutely no information about this film. Anywhere. The opening title and final “End” are also both presented in full screen, while the film is entirely widescreen. That, and the fact the film seems to have been edited by a weedwacker undergoing an LSD trip, provides a mess of confusion, and works into my theory that this film doesn’t want us to know anything about it. Least anyone find out that people from India like to have the sex (there’s only a billion of them, so they must be entirely chaste!) and go after the actors and actresses here (some of the women are probably on lone from the local real brothel.) So instead of filling you with lots of background information and giving you lots of fun facts, I’m drawing a big blank. There is little if any connection to films we’ve reviewed before, and there will be likely no connection to anything we review in the future. Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil is destined to be alone, stranded in the wilderness of TarsTarkas.NET to be rarely mentioned again.

The film is undoubtedly NOT erotic. It is in fact the opposite of erotic. It is derotic. The cheap VCD I got also has zero subtitles, thus confining the plot of the film to guesswork. There is some sort of plot, as someone ends up getting stabbed with a scythe at the end, but the particulars aren’t exactly forthcoming. So enjoy the guesswork. Even without the product being explained, one can recognize a stinker when you smell it. And this one’s stench is undeniable, reeking from across the globe all the way from its home in India, plaguing the land and killing crops. The print of the film was stored in a room full of running power sanders, where it was thrown around the room by many moving fans, thus causing the rapid decay in film print quality. Third generation bootleg tapes have been known to be clearer. From what I can figure out, there are essentially two movies going on simultaneously, and they do not connect in the slightest. Godfrey Ho would be proud. Movie A is the main flick, with Suret the horse boy. Movie B is a “hilarious” brothel romp that is not hilarious and downright stupid. Enough complaining, but we must get started. One cannot escape their destiny, and we’re on a mission from God to get through Tera Jism Aur Mera Dil so you don’t have to. The quest begins!

C U At 9
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

C U at 9 (Review)

October 5, 2005By

C U at 9


2005
Starring
Shweta Konnur as Kim/Juliet
Isiah as Romeo
Kanksha as Sue
Written and Directed by Marlon Rodrigues (aka Marlon Hoden)

Bollywood produces the most movies each year, many of which never are seen outside the country. Most wouldn’t work outside of India, Bollywood films are famous for having musical numbers scattered throughout, even advancing the plot. Most other cultures would balk at a serious crime drama suddenly turning into a choreographed song fest, but to each their own. Bollywood films are starting to become more mainstream, in that some are being imported over to America. Films that are well done from Bollywood still have an audience here, and it is rapidly growing. Some films to come out of Bollywood are deservedly not even fit for Bollywood itself. You can probably figure out from the title that this is one of them. C U at 9 goes down in history as one of the worst titles ever, joining such luminaries as .com for Murder. The title alone isn’t enough to have C U at 9 go down in flames, the movie itself is a cheeseball horror movie which borrows heavily from some recent popular Asian movies. Very heavily. Add to that the director substituted three music videos in place of choreographed singing. The editing from the music videos was unfortunately used in 100% of the film, giving C U at 9 a feel of scene jerking so bad you’ll get whiplash if you aren’t careful. The jumpcuts fly so fast I’m currently wearing a neck brace.

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