Hot Wheels is now a movie about a burnt out cop

When you think Hot Wheels, you think the toys cars you played with as a tiny tot or perhaps the cars you kept displayed on the wall as an older than a tiny tot. Hot Wheels generally only had the plot of whatever you made, which was usually cars racing and crashing. Though 1969-1971 did see a Hot Wheels cartoon series that focused on high schooler Jack “Rabbit” Wheeler and his Hot Wheels Racing Club. There was no further Hot Wheels activity until 2003’s Hot Wheels World Race movie on Cartoon Network. That lead directly into the Hot Wheels AcceleRacers series of movies, which features racing across multiple dimensions, sentient evil robotic racers, alien racers, and a grand conspiracy. I must point out that one of the characters is named Porkchop. This series was never finished, so break out your fanfic typewriters!

Hot Wheels then went all CGI for Hot Wheels Battle Force 5, which features a few of the characters from the AcceleRacers, though it doesn’t seem to explain how they got there. Someone help me out here, I’ve not watched any of these! There are alien mutant animal drivers, which should be enough for me to watch as that’s close enough to Battle Beasts for me to be interested. And robot drivers, because robots are cool.

With all this alien robot mutant legacy in Hot Wheels, you would think the movie would be fantastic. Or at least follow The Fast and the Furious. Well, you are wrong! The current version of the script (at this point the Hot Wheels Movie development is 10 years old!) is:

The story centers on a washed-up Illinois State Trooper who, after a dangerous military device falls into the hands of a criminal, fights the man his father once put behind bars

Yes, it’s totally a story that kids love. Feel the wheel! I can’t tell you how many kids playing with cars are like “I’m Trooper Steve, who’s sick of giving tickets!”

Did anyone have those Hot Wheels cars that you could crash into walls and they’d have “damage”? Make a movie about that.