Assault Girls

aka Asaruto garuzu

2009
Written and Directed by Mamoru Oshii

Hot chicks shooting up giant sand whales in a post apocalyptic future should be an easy sell. Except for the fact the film isn’t really about that and is instead just a video game level. The film is short as heck, but that doesn’t stop it from being filled with lots of padding from the worst opening narration experience since Alone in the Dark to many scenes of people just walking in the desert.

Add the above to the fact the women speak badly accented English muffled behind breathing masks and we got a film that is more annoying than anything else. Luckily, parts of the film are just in Japanese, and thanks to our impatient nature we have the import DVD cuz we aren’t gonna wait for it to finally get around to having an official US release. But at TarsTarkas.NET, we don’t need no stinking subtitles!

The film is connected to Mamoru Oshii’s 2001 film Avalon, as the game the players are playing is Avalon(f), and there are references to other established canon from the Avalon film. Mamoru Oshii is probably best known in the west for directing Ghost in the Shell, one of the films that everyone who was into anime talked about all the time until I started ignoring everyone who was into anime. Now I just ignore everyone, because I’m too cool for school ::puts on shades::

Instead of being cool and dealing with the fact there is a movie filled with hot chicks fighting monsters, Assault Girls instead tries to impress us, then tries to give us a feast for the eyes, and finally delivers the goods. Except the only impression is of boring psychobabble, the feast for the eyes is more like a famine, and the goods arrive late and in small quantities. I can’t recommend enough that you don’t bother with Assault Girls. The best thing I can say about it is that it was mercifully short. But don’t take my word for it, follow along for yourself!

Gray (Meisa Kuroki) – Player 0251, spends much of the film cruising around in her jet and posing in the desert. Finally gets around to organizing the Assault Girls into a raiding party. It is almost as if she forgot how MMORPGs work. (She is probably really a male 43 year old divorced Lowes employee with Aspergers.) Meisa Kuroki is a Japanese model/actress who is starting to hit the big time. Lucifer (Rinko Kikuchi) – Player 0666, who rarely speaks and spends most of her scenes dancing. Can transform into a bird so she’s probably a big fan of Animorphs. (She’s probably really an 11 year old boy with Aspergers.) Rinko Kikuchi was nominated for an Oscar. And now she’s in this. Holy Linda Hunt, Batman! Colonel (Hinako Saeki) – Player 0266, a friend of snails. Always dressed in red, so you can tell the girls apart. Or maybe it is like Power Rangers… Anyway, she commands a robot thing at one point, something we can all aspire to. I command robots all the time (this is actually true) because my job is awesome. (She’s probably a male 57 year old website designer with Aspergers) Jager (Yoshikazu Fujiki) – Player 538, what the hell is a dude doing in my Assault Girls? Get the heck out of here, you creep! Sand Whales (CGI) – This particular Sand Whale is Desert 22 Flag – Madara – who is the end boss the Assault Girls and Scruffy Dude are hunting. Complete with rocket launchers like all real sand whales. Snail (Isao NO. 1- 5) – Five snails played the snail that becomes the focus of our heroes as the movie drifts into more and more boring territory. Sadly, one snail is eaten, it is unknown it was a real snail, but probably. Random Dog (Pasta) – Why not have a dog randomly in one brief scene for no reason? It makes as much sense as everything else in this flick! Also bonus statue photo!