Wargames 2: The Dead Code

2008
Directed by Stuart Gillard

It’s War Games 2: The Dead Code, the latest DTV sequel of a movie that last hit theaters when most video renters were still in diapers. Thanks to the magic of constant reruns on TNT, USA, and HBO, everyone who is anyone has seen the original War Games over a billion times. Everyone learns that the only winning move is not to play, than Matthew Broderick changes his grades via computer, and that all programmers leave back doors. Now, War Games has been updated for the new millennium, with a girl computer, modern kids, and the War on Terror so in your face you won’t be able to sneeze. Join us as we encounter War Games 2: The Dead Code, and find out if your childhood has been raped, or merely felt up by your crazy uncle!

As we all know, the Dead Code is up up down down left right left right…no, wait, that’s the 40 lives code. The Dead Code is something new, and we’ll have to watch the film to get. Dammit! Our characters for this radio drama include:

Will Farmer (Matt Lanter) – Our main character whose name sounds super generic. Has a sick, chemical genius mom and a dead father. A compute whiz and hacker/phreaker. Able to seduce chess babes with but a single glance. Evades government security like he’s bin Laden. Annie (Amanda Walsh) – A girl in chess club who becomes Will Farmer’s lover interest because she is a computer hacking pro. Excuse me while I don’t believe a word of that. Anyway, by the end of the film they are on their way to hacking each other’s naughty bits, and maybe Will will be lucky and find her backdoor password. Dennis Nichols (Nicolas Wright) – Friend of Will Farmer, master of Stargate MMORPG, trash talker, hanger out in basements, and standard sidekick character. Bill Carter (Chuck Shamata) – Head tech guy for the RIPLEY project, worried RIPLEY may have gone too far. Another old school hacker. Kenneth Hassert (Colm Feore) – Horn-Rimmed Glasses. Arrogant guy in charge of the RIPLEY project. Spends most of the film being a jerk and talking down to generals and admirals he is supposed to be impressing for funding. Then suddenly becomes competent in the final section. Colm Feore was President Richard Adar on Battlestar Galactica, which means he should have experience with crazy machines armed with nuclear bombs. All this has happened before and will happen again. Old Guy (Gary Reineke) – He is just an old guy, nothing to see here… RIPLEY (Claudia Black)- The new computer is a girl. It is also crazier, more dangerous, and more intelligent. So, yeah, a girl. What does R.I.P.L.E.Y. stand for? Who cares, the film sure doesn’t care enough to tell us! The film used the Aliens and Talented Mr. Ripley jokes, so we will run the “Believe it or not!” joke down your throat until you beg for mercy.

So let’s get rockin’! In Afghanistan (home of Afghan blankets), the director is getting all stylish as jeeps jumping over dunes in slow-motion. The jeeps are driven by a bunch of Eurotrash gangsters and hookers meeting other Eurotrash gangsters who desire hookers, all of which are supposed to be the Taliban or something. They get bombed dead by an unmanned Predator drone. Shock and awe, indeed. If you take a close look at the missiles carried by the unmanned Predator drone, you will see it says “Inert”. I’ve never seen inert explosives explode so large before! We find out the bombing was ordered by RIPLEY, a girl computer! Believe it or not! Computers can’t be girls, so I choose not to believe.