Everyone else is doing Hercules, so why not Asylum? Theirs is called Hercules Reborn, featuring an aged Hercules returning from banishment to be a hero again. It’s called keeping yourself busy while in retirement!
When a young man’s bride is kidnapped by an evil king, he turns to Hercules for help. The fallen hero has been living in exile, banished for killing his family, but the young man’s courage inspires Hercules. Together, they fight to rescue the bride and reclaim Hercules’ honor.
Hercules is played by WWE’s Johnny Nitro himself, John Morrison. Costarring Christian Oliver, James Duval, Christina Ulfsparre, and Dylan Vox. Hercules Reborn director Nick Lyon has helmed Bermuda Tentacles, 4Closed, Species 4, and Grendel. Writer Jim Hemphill has written and directed two prior films, including the horror film Bad Reputation. I’m not sure which Jose Montesinos is the cowriter, but I think it’s this one.
Hercules Reborn officially releases July 8th. It certainly won’t be the worst Hercules movie of the year!
2012 Written by Michael Ciminera, Richard Gnolfo, Jeffrey Schenck, and Peter Sullivan
Directed by John Shepphird
Jersey Shore Shark Attack – The Thinking Man’s Movie!
A SyFy shark attack movie that has bite and legs. And no, not legs on the shark, that a different SyFy shark attack movie (or three). Jersey Shore Shark Attack has legs because people talk about it. Deservedly so. For Jersey Shore Shark Attack is more than just the run of the mill SyFy flick, it’s also a parody of a recognizable reality tv show brand. The Jersey Shore in the title is more than just a reference to the 1916 Jersey Shore shark attacks, it’s because all the main characters are based on real people from MTV’s Jersey Shore. We got a Snooki, a Situation, a J-WOW, and the rest of the crew that you have to think about for a minute to remember.
Not only is this a parody of Jersey Shore, they improve on the formula. The actors portraying the characters are much more real than the “real” people we see on the reality shows. They have hopes, dreams, and goals in life beyond getting drunk and laid. Mostly.
Ecco the Dolphin was a chump!
If anything, I hope Jersey Shore Shark Attack is the beginning of a new subgenre of SyFy flicks, the injecting of actors playing versions of more famous people. Who wouldn’t want to see a killer koala flick where they ravaged the Kardashians? Giant sloths very slowly menacing Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie? 19 Kids and Count Dracula? Teen Moms vs. Mothman? John and Kate Plus 8 Legged Freaks?
Jersey Shore Shark Attack works because it’s fun. It’s fun to see people play exaggerated versions of other people, it’s fun to see people chomped by giant monsters, and it’s fun in that the film has fun. The bodies pile high, people get chomped left and right off of boats. There is even a class warfare element, the villains and their real estate plot are straight out of The Goonies! The odd mishmash of everything seems like it wouldn’t work, like the gimmick would get old. But the gimmick is there for the flavor, you could insert your regular SyFy stock characters (hot babe scientist, jaded lifeguard with a scarred past, Sheriff that the mayor won’t listen to) and this would still be a passable flick. But it is elevated to greatness thanks to the Shore. The Jersey Shore.
It’s me on a typical Tuesday at 11 am!
Jersey Shore Shark Attack even stylizes itself as a fun flick, from the title cards for the main characters to all the soundtrack songs being all about partying (most songs have “party” in the lyrics somewhere, so much so that Andrew WK should probably sue…) It’s hilarious. There is even some dumb “Shore” acronyms like “ASS = alcohol sun sex” or “Backdoor Nooki”. Each scene in the film has it’s own title.
The general tone of the Jersey Shore is copied, as characters bicker among themselves. While at a dock they see a derelict boat, and then argue about which particular guy named Vinny the boat belongs to. The character BJ is constantly saying randomly ridiculous things and being seconds away from being shark bait at any moment, forever making you think they might start taking out the main cast.
This shark was obviously Wile E. Coyote in a previous life!
Beyond the reality show ripping, there’s also the class warfare element as the working class Jersey Shore folks are in a heated territorial dispute with the rich 1% preps from the yacht club, whose stepfathers are the very ones in charge of the construction projects to “modernize” the shore and are attracting the sharks. The Complication’s father is also working class, but with authority, as a police officer. The business owner/developer Dolan (played by William Atherton, well known as villain Walter Peck in Ghostbusters) oozes sleaze and entitlement, while the Mayor Patrick Palantine (Paul Sorvino, who often plays mob characters) has his fingers in all of the pies. Heck, the mayor is even named after the evil Emperor from Star Wars! The entitled class elders are clearly villains with no hope of redemption. But…and this is an amazing but…their children, the very people that our Jersey Shore crew has direct confrontation and rivalries with, become friends with the heroes in the end. Lead by the example of The Complication and his friends to risk their lives to save both Nooki and the rich children (as TC says, because it’s the right thing to do) grants them friends for life among the upper class. Together, both rich and poor blow away albino sharks to save Jersey. The passion, the good character, and the heroism of the Jersey Shore crew make them respected heroes both because of and in spite of their origins. It’s the American dream.
I’d take a Jersey Shore Red Dawn remake over the actual Red Dawn remake any day of the week.
You can even argue the sharks are ghost white because they represent the old rich white males that populate most of the upper class. Their deaths both by the working class and the children of the old rich white males is a shedding of the previous norms. Joey Fatone’s quick appearance both as a Jersey native who returns only to be devoured, because he didn’t return to improve the community, he returned because he had been devoured by the music industry and he was reduced to doing concerts in Jersey. His intentions were not pure, and he had to go. Ergo, the sanitized Jersey Shore representatives as characters are also better than their actual representatives in reality programming. Both because it’s easier to be of pure ideals when you are a fictitious character, but because the story demands that there be characters of pure heart and intention leading the charge. The Shore cannot be saved by those who care about themselves first.
Justin Timberlake actually acknowledged the rest of ‘N Sync???!?!
The Complication / TC / Gino Moretti (Jeremy Luc) – So called because when he’s around, things get complicated. As cool as it is to have a catch phrase about your life also be your nickname, TC proves he’s far more complicated than just a juicehead Guido as he leads his crew to defend Jersey from menacing albino sharks.
Nooki / Nicolina Angelique Santamaria (Melissa Molinaro) – TC’s on-again, off-again girl. She is a lot to handle, but isn’t a degenerate and has a good head on her shoulders, even if it is under too much hair.
Donnie (Joey Russo) – TC’s beer hat wearing, buff bod juicehead Guido buddy. Always ready to party and drink and lift weights and rescue people from sharks.
Paulie Balzac (Daniel Booko) – A non-Italian wannabe who respects the Guido lifestyle, particularly the aspect of saving people from sharks. Also probably a DJ.
J-Moni (Alex Mauriello) – Nooki’s pal who comforts her during her trials with TC. Is often prominently displaying her two ample assets.
BJ (Audi Resendez) – Nooki’s other pal who comforts her during her trials with TC. Often drunk and will randomly say ridiculous and awesome things.
Captain Sallie (Tony Sirico) – Bar owner that everyone at the Shore loves because he’s been there forever and knows all the Shore lore. His bar features free walnuts.
Bradford & Spencer (Grant Harvey and Dylan Vox) – Rich preps from the yacht club who have words and fists with the Shore crew.
Dolan and Mayor Patrick Palantine (William Atherton and Paul Sorvino) – The evil developer and the evil mayor who conspire to continue the destruction of the Shore because they’re evil.
Albino bull sharks (Albino CGI) – Albino bull sharks who cause havoc at Jersey Shore thanks to their bloodlust.
Get lost, Megalodon! No one is jumping into your mouth today.
The American Film Market is the global marketplace for film acquisition, financing, and distribution rights. Over 8000 industry people attend to network and wheel and deal. This year’s conference takes place October 31-November 7, and the film database is filling up rapidly, with over 6000 films listed so far. Not being a movie producer or distributor, what could the AFM possibly interest us with? Well, that 6000+ film database is something special, because it is the best centralized source of upcoming independent film information available anywhere.
The film database will contain all films that are either up for sale, up for distribution rights in various markets, or seeking financing (in addition to the distribution deals.) There are a lot of recent films from the past two or three years, but there is also a large amount of films that are in pre-production or post-production. This is the gold that we are interested in, because there will a a bunch of films that prior to this had little or no information about them, or if there was it was buried on some company website.
I’ve scoured through the over 6000 films listed so far and found the 69 most interesting flicks to people who would be reading this site. Some films are picked from their title alone, while others are easy picks thanks to their trailers or posters or plots. A few of them will be guaranteed awful, but some will be some of the greatest cinema that has ever been made. One surprise amist all the monster flicks destined for SyFy is the larger than usual amount of superhero flicks. It looks like several film companies (most particularly TomCat Films, which has become one of my favorite indie film houses now) have taken notice of the comic book movies raking in a billion dollars and want a piece of that action. Will this trend continue as long as Marvel scores at the box office? Or will it fizzle out if profits can’t be found? We shall see in the coming years.
The format is the poster (if one exists), the title, movie information and trailers, and a brief comment about the film. Most of the trailers are linked, because otherwise some browsers will implode upon themselves. I did leave one trailer embedded, because it is by far the greatest thing you will see in this post.
So let’s get on with the show!
2012 Battle of Supremacy AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Ytinifni Pictures
Cast – Ernest Borgnine, Brian Shotwell
Director – Brennan Reed
Writer – Brennan Reed
On December 21, 2012, the date prophesized by the ancient Mayans as Armageddon, a giant asteroid hit planet earth causing global chaos. A battle for supremacy ensued for one thousand years between the republic and minority religious factions. Prisoners were transported between planets accompanied by soldiers for the republic. Sometimes the ships got lost. It’s now 3074 A.D. and a prison transport ship carrying some of the most
dangerous criminals in the galaxy has crashlanded on a remote planet. Only two survived the wreck — one accused of a terrorist bombing of a spaceship and the other, a soldier ordered to ensure the accused prisoner stands trial for the crime. As they journey into the toxic planet the lines between black and white, truth and fiction, are soon blurred and crossed in a mind game of secrets and lies. In this high stakes battle of survival, each becomes determined to control the other in the name of his convictions and faith.
Tars sez: Wow, for a film to have 2012 in the title, I totally didn’t expect it to be about prisoners in space in 3074. Sounds like Enemy Mine but with no aliens.
When a black hole threatens to consume our solar system, mankind’s only hope for survival resides within the creation of a space ark.
Site Link Tars sez: What in the world do crystal skulls have to do with 2012 and space arks, unless that damn Indiana Jones sequel was the last straw and aliens are coming to kill us. I knew that fridge scene and the CGI monkeys were trouble…
THE 25th REICH AFM Link
Company – Lightning Entertainment Group
Cast – Jim Knobeloch, Serge DeNardo
Director – Stephen Amis
Writer(s) – Stephen Amis, David Richardson, Serge DeNardo
Five American GI’s stationed in Australia in 1943 find themselves embroiled in a secret OSS time-travel mission that goes horribly wrong. The hapless soldiers are catapulted 50,000 years back in time, to retrieve an alien spaceship that might help the Allies win the war against Hitler. The soldiers fix their time machine, but are sent 300 years into the future, where the Nazi’s have not only taken over the Earth, they are now preparing to overthrow God in the 25th dimension! How can five hapless GI’s save the future – the past – and every moment in between?
Tars sez: Wow! This sounds awesome, we got alien spaceships and Future Nazis preparing to invade God. I hope Hitler shows up with horns and puking lava.
95ers: Echoes AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Koan Inc.
Cast – Christopher Miller, Lexy Giovagnoli
Director – Tom Durham
Writer – Tom Durham
War rages in the distant future. Millions have died and cities lay in ruins. But the most feared weapons are the time machines. Final victory can only be achieved by manipulating the past…
Alternate synopsis:
In the year 2012, FBI agent Sally Biggs is obsessed with investigating unsolved cases involving paranormal activities—especially the bizarre disappearance of her scientist husband. She suspects that the mysteries have something to do with the destabilization of time, since she herself has a strange relationship with time. She has the power to rewind it—to go back a few seconds, whenever she wants, and remake her choices.
But she had no idea that her power was connected to the cataclysmic war in the future, and that she, her husband, and their unborn child would become its most important targets. Assassins with terrifying technologies are hunting her, and her own timeline is unravelling. Her only hope is to follow her husband’s ghost to the awesome truth that ties all the mysteries together—before the ones she loves fade out of reality.
Tars sez: So it’s Terminator, except with ghosts and the Sarah Conner character has the power of the Instant Replay button on Tivo! All we need is Sonic the Hedgehog showing up and we got us a real Fanfiction.net story! Also the evil time traveler’s logo is the Highway 95 sign.
Aftershock AFM Link
Company – Echo Bridge Entertainment
In order to prevent an impending earthquake and save humanity, a professor must set off a series of chemically engineered bombs.
Tars sez: Finally a movie that doesn’t think nuclear bombs are the answer to every giant catastrophe. Obviously chemical bombs will be able to blow stuff up just as good! Take that, Earth’s core!
Agent Beetle AFM Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Daniel Lavigne, Emanuelle Carriere
Director – Brett Kelly
Writer(s) – Carlos Perez, Trevor Payer
A rookie cop (Daniel Lavigne “the Immortals”) goes undercover at a drug company and poses as an criminal in order to get the information on a program that gives convicted felons superpowers. With his reporter ex girlfriend (Emanuelle Carriere “Jurassic Shark”) on his trail, he must use his newly acquired powers to stop the program and bring its powerful convicts to justice.
Tars sez: I hope Agent Beetle drives a Volkswagon Beetle. And is his reporter ex-girlfriend also a superhero like the poster suggests? Someone make sure CNN never tries to put their reporters in costumes for rating stunts.
Agent Crush AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Fantastic Films International
Cast – Danny Glover, Brian Cox, Ioan Gruffudd, Neve Campbell, Roger Moore
Director – Sean Robinson
Writer(s) – Mark York, Sean Robinson
Completion Year – 2008
It is two hundred years into the future, much has changed, but one thing remains a constant – crime and it’s getting a little bizarre. Boris Goudphater (“Good-farter”) is a first prototype cyborg developed by the World Security Network (WSN) to combat crime. The experiment failed due to a dangerous defect. Goudphater manages to survive the de-commissioning process and escapes. Horribly disfigured and angry, he is at large and out for revenge. Agent Crush is a second prototype cyborg, and is trying to prove himself as a secret agent. Crush has been furnished with all types of superhero gadgets but he is prone to bumbling accidents and causes havoc wherever he goes. Accompanied by his genius inventor sidekick, Spanners and Spanner’s daughter Cassie, his latest mission is to stop Goudphater from exploding a nuclear device in the center of the Earth’s magma core and causing every volcano to erupt, destroying the Earth.
A spectacular flying car chase through the streets of New York and the underground lava caverns leads to an explosive climax. Can Crush prove to the world that he is the man for the job and save the Earth in time?
Site Link Tars sez: According to the information, this was completed 4 years ago yet hasn’t been released. I don’t know if that is true, but the trailer has the CGI look amazingly like stylized Supermarionation or something, like the Thunderbirds show. If anything, Agent Crush looks unlike anything I’ve seen before. That doesn’t mean it will be good, just visually different. Granted, the whole thing sounds like a ripoff of Inspector Gadget.
Android Insurrection AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Halcyon International
Cast – Rebecca Kus, Joe Chapman
Director – Andrew Bellware
Writer – Nat Cassidy
Soldiers on a alien planet battle Androids that have become self-aware and seek to destroy mankind.
Tars sez: I’m pretty sure this one is out on VOD, but I kept it in for poster goodness. On the Planet Grey, robots will dare have the color RED. Only Grey Greyson can stop these chromatic monsters and return Planet Grey to its neutral roots.
Apocalyptic: The Tsunami War
aka VS: The Movie AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Bryce DiCristofalo, Rachael Thompson
Director – Bryce DiCristofalo
Writer – Martin Ebenhack
The year is 2014. The face of the planet has been altered and reshaped after a Mega-Tsunami, the likes of which the world has never seen. After ripping through the Caribbean, Cuba and most of southern Florida have been completely wiped off the face of the earth. The wide spread damage has even left Central Florida isolated and cut off from the continental United States. Orlando is now a wasteland, a lawless shadow of the prosperous community that thrived before the devastation. It’s survival of the fittest as gangs and ruthless thugs control the streets.
Ash Singer is an ex-gang leader who arrives back in the city he once called home – Orlando. Looking to start his life over and repent for his past sins he finds many obstacles in his path, one of them being an old friend who is looking to control the streets herself… Waed Collins. And as Waed gets closer to reaching her goals it seems as though Ash will have to put his plans for a peaceful life on hold in order to save the life of the woman he loves, from the woman who wants them both dead.
Tars sez: I believe this one is out as well, so maybe someone can clue me in as the different plot synopses make this sound like two completely different films! The poster promises Milla Jovovich vs Boba Fett cosplayers, and that’s what I want.
Alien VS Alien AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Cassie Fliegel, Jason Lockhart, Dylan Vox
Director – Lewis Schoenbrun
Writer(s) – Keith Parker, Kenny White
Six college friends blowing off steam on a camping trip, find themselves caught up in a cat and mouse hunt with an Alien monster. Not knowing what to do or who to trust, they struggle to protect themselves. Reluctantly, they join forces with another, seemingly friendly, alien, Ava, who orbits the Earth and appears to them in the form of an avatar. Having only one chance at stopping the monster, they must race to locate and repair the Ava’s earth sent robot, before it slaughters them one by one.
Tars sez: A long long time ago, NuImage promised us a film called Alien vs. Alien. That eventually was retitled Showdown in Area 51, which left the Alien vs. Alien name up for grabs. And grab TomCat films did! So now aliens will battle, even though one alien is just a hologram instructing teenagers how to fix a robot. Eh, it will have dudes getting murdered by aliens, so hooray!
Aliens VS Titanic AFM Link
Company – TomCat Films
Producer – Ted Chalmers
Completion Year – 2013
Offering only the finest amenities, the ‘TITAN 1C’ is considered the most luxurious star-liner ever built. Excited to be touring through space with some of the world’s elite, Violet Ducator quickly settles in for the trip of a lifetime.
When a sudden meteor storm smashes into the hull, a deadly biological experiment is let loose in the ship’s duct system. Finding a suitable host, the retrovirus successfully merges with one of the passengers, transforming them into a seemingly invincible predator with the “touch of death”.
As the creature moves through the ship, leaving a wake of death in its path, the remaining passengers must quickly band together before it has a chance to slaughter them all.
Site Link Tars sez: Not only are those aliens fighting aliens, but they’re also invading the Titanic. The Space Titanic. At least we’ll get an awesome film title out of it! TomCat films loved their Alien vs. Alien artwork so much they reused a good chunk of it for the poster for Aliens vs Titanic.
Alligator Alley AFM Link
Company – Echo Bridge Entertainment
Completion Year – 2013
When two rivaling families from the Louisiana Bayou discover a new species of highly dangerous and aggressive alligators, they must put aside their difference in order to defeat the reptiles.
Tars sez: Sounds like a cool SyFy creature feature, I only wish there was an alligator loose in a bowling alley. This promises some Bayou redneck goodness.
Amethysta AFM Link
Company – Omnipulse Entertainment
Director – E. Thomas Ewing
Writer(s) – E. Thomas Ewing, Jeremy Ewing
Production Status – Pre-Production
Completion Year – 2015
A corruption of the spirit encroaches on the kingdom. The Princess has vanished, leaving no trace, save the torn bodies of her guards. To rescue his realm and return the Princess the king turns to unlikely saviors. One a wrongly accused and disgraced former Captain of the Royal Garrison, the other a fabled assassin who suffered the misfortune of developing a conscience. HarleQuinn and RipperJack must come to terms with their positions and learn to rely on one another before the evil grows so strong it can not be stopped.
Budget – 5M-10M
Financing Status – No Financing
Other Comments – Full Length Motion Picture wherein the heroes must learn not only what thier own strengths and weakness are but how to trust in each other with their very lives. Site Link Tars sez: Dear Lord! What in the world is this??? I guess someone’s WoW guild is getting their own movie….if they ever get the $5-10 million they need for funding. I smell a Kickstarter campaign!
Alien Blood AFM Link Watch the entire film on YouTube
Company – Troma Entertainment, Inc.
Cast – Vanessa Stevens, Rob Campbell
Director – Jon Sorensen
Writer – Jon Sorensen
Producer – Michael Herz
Completion Year – 1998
Mother and child aliens fleeing from assassins are forced to break into a mysterious house to survive. Unfortunately, the house belongs to a family of vampires, all hungry for Alien Blood!
Tars sez: This one is old as crap and even freely available to watch, I just had to include it for the wacko plot description.
ALIEN DAWN AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Halcyon International
Cast – s s (That’s exactly what it said!)
Director – neil johnson
Writer – Neil Johnson
Producer – Neil Johnson
2012. The dawn of destruction. As giant alien machines enslave and feed off humanity, the few remaining survivors band together to form a armed militia that will be the last stand against total extinction.
Site Link Tars sez: War of the Worlds tripods take over the planet and turn Earth into Terminator: Salvation! My God, those alien bastards! How dare they! Let’s kick some alien robot butt!
Avenging Force: The Scarab AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Mark Courneyea, Alix Pasquet
Director(s) – Brett Kelly
Writer(s) – Trevor Payer
When a mystical scarab stone falls into the hand of an archaeologist, an evil villain known as the Sphinx tries to retrieve it, unaware that the stone has transformed the archaeologist into the super powered hero The Scarab.
Tars sez: Painting masks onto people’s faces in Photoshop doesn’t make a good poster. Do you think TomCat is planning to have all these super hero movie characters team up in an Avengers knockoff? Because they should.
Bailout: The Age of Greed AFM Link
Company – Boll World Sales
Cast – Dominic Purcell, Edward Furlong, Natassia Malthe
Director – Uwe Boll
Writer – Uwe Boll Site Link Tars sez: Uwe Boll? Uwe Boll???? Uwe Boll??!!!!!! He’s back again and this time talking about the bank bailouts! Luckily after talking about this I can go back to ignoring Uwe Boll.
Barely Lethal AFM Link
Company – Highland Film Group
Producer – Brett Ratner
Directed by Kyle Newman.
16-year-old professional assassin Megan fakes her own death in order to become an ordinary high school student. She soon discovers it is harder to lock down the hottest boy in class than to lock down a target and the mean girls’ insults are sharper than her weapons. When her disgruntled training master and a vindictive drug lord track her down, Megan finds herself with more extracurriculars than any teenager could handle.
Tars sez: Finally a film for those guys who were jerking off during Kick-Ass.
Battle Earth AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – MultiVisionnaire Pictures
Cast – Kevin Johnson, Adam Munro, Jon Macburnie, Grayson Ogle, Gin Fedotov, Ryan Hatt
Director – Aaron Kurmey
Writer – Aaron Kurmey
2015 – Omega Day. Confirmation of extraterrestrial life appears on television screens across the world as a massive spacecraft breaks through the atmosphere on a crash course into the Atlantic Ocean. A young paramedic, Greg Baker, signs up to fight for his planet against the invaders. Baker joins Special Forces members as the squad medic as they escort a classified package by chopper over enemy territory in Southern Alberta. When their chopper is shot down they find themselves surrounded and outnumbered. Desperate to return to his wife’s side and haunted by nightmares, Baker finds that his role in the war has quickly become much larger than he could have ever imagined.
Site Link Tars sez: When Blooper from Super Mario Brothers attacks Canada, only Some Guy can save the day. And he better do it quick, or we’re going to have to go somewhere else for maple syrup! I will also be surprised if the Scientologists don’t sue.
Battle of the Damned AFM Link
Company – Bleiberg Entertainment
Cast – Dolph Lundgren, Matt Doran, Melanie Zanetti, David Field
Director – Christopher Hatton
Writer – Christopher Hatton
Following a deadly viral outbreak, a private military soldier leads a handful of survivors and a ragtag band of robots against an army of the infected.
Tars sez: Dolph Lundgren leads robots vs zombies! Finally, a zombie movie I have a passing interest in. Passing interest. Folks, you have no idea how many zombie movies I didn’t bother to list because they were boring.
The Baytown Disco
aka The Baytown Outlaws AFM Link
Company – Highland Film Group
Cast – Billy Bob Thornton, Eva Longoria, Paul Wesley, Serinda Swan, Daniel Cudmore, Michael Rapaport
Director – Barry Battles
Writer(s) – Griffin Hood, Barry Battles
Celeste (Eva Longoria) hires three outlaw brothers to get her godson back fro her drug-dealer ex-husband Carlos (Billy Bob Thornton). But Carlos isn’t giving up the boy or the boy’s inheritance without an all out war. The brothers and their kidnapee must fight sexy assassins, Native American hunters and even a Federal Agent (Paul Wesley) in this whip-ass extravaganza of non-stop thrills and intense action.
Site Link Tars sez: This looks too professionally made to be stuck not released yet. So either something is wrong or someone is being screwed over. So hopefully this turns out to be good and gets the distribution it needs.
Beast Beneath AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – R Squared Films
Cast – Daniel Bonjour, Phillip Agresta, Joel Bryant
Director – Julian Higgins
Writer – Kevin Brooks
It’s 1861 and several thousand acres of pristine land now known as Griffith Park in Los Angeles, California, is stolen from its owner, Don Antonio Feliz on his deathbed. An illegal will has been orchestrated by the Don’s best friend and a greedy prominent attorney. His blind niece, Petranilla, contests the will in court and is denied by a judge who has been bribed. She curses everyone involved, and over the next century and a half, the deadly curse slowly unfolds.
Site Link Tars sez: The slowest curse ever is a lazy monster who lives underground! Get to work, lazy monster, we got people to revenge on!
Blood Shot AFM Link
Company – Spotlight Pictures
Cast – Christopher Lambert, Lance Henriksen, Brad Dourif, Michael Bailey Smith
Director – Dietrich Johnston
Writer – Dietrich Johnston
With the daily threat of terrorism, extreme measures must be taken to protect the world from destruction. This is why the President of the United States authorized the head of the CIA to create the Vampire Division, a covert operation that uses vampires to hunt and kill terrorists. A vampire is the perfect assassin–he can’t be killed by bullets and has no conscious about killing others.
Of course, no one believes that vampires actually exist, much less can be used to fight terrorism. Everyone, that is, except for Rip, a police officer, who has spent his entire career hunting one particular Vampire. Rip has faced the Vampire many times, but has never defeated him. The Vampire asks Rip when he’s trying to kill him, as the Vampire is killing terrorists, but Rip feels it’s not their job to be the judge, jury, and executioner. Their job is to catch the bad guys, not kill them.
The Vampire receives word that a terrorist cell lead by a man known as “Bob,” is attempting to acquire a nuclear bomb that would destroy the world. The Vampire’s assignment is to find Bob, dismantle his nuclear bomb, and kill him, if necessary, before it’s too late.
The Vampire breaks into Bob’s lair and begins killing all the terrorists. Rip arrives soon after, and he decides it’s better to fight the terrorists with the Vampire rather than against him. A bomb detonates, almost killing Rip and a piece of wood pierces the Vampires heart, meaning he will die. Before the Vampire dies, he bites Rip, turning him into a vampire. The Vampire says that he has been training Rip to take the Vampire’s place when he died, that’s why he’s never killed him. Rip accepts his fate as a terrorist-fighting vampire, and his first order of business is killing Bob, which he does with pleasure. Rip will now live forever, fighting terrorists and evil-doers across the world.
Site Link Tars sez: That’s a very complicated plot description that spoils the movie, so thanks a lot! But if you ever wanted to see Nosferatu do his Real American Patriot duty and kill terrorists while double-wielding pistols, then this is the film for you! I hope they stop Bob the terrorist, as Bob has done enough damage with those Enzyte commercials. Die in a fire, Bob! What did Nosferatu hunt before 9-11, Commies?
Bloody Mary 3D AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Veronica Ricci, Ron Jeremy
Director – Charlie Vaughn
Writer – Keith Parker
While making a music video, a group of filmmakers accidentally awaken the curse of Mary Worth, a young woman who was brutally murdered a hundred years before. Mary crawls through the mirror and begins killing them off one by one! Shot in True 3D with no conversion needed.
Site Link Tars sez: Wow, they sure dressed sexy 100 years ago! This is like if A-Ha’s Take On Me video ended in everyone dead. Which I’m sure I’ll see as a Kickstarter by the end of next year…
Bounty Killer AFM Link
Company – Content
Cast – Matthew Mardsen, Christian Pitre, Kristanna Loken
Director – Henry Saine
It’s been 20 years since the corporations took over the world’s governments. Their thirst for power and profits led to the corporate wars, a fierce global battle that laid waste to society as we know it. Born from the ash, the Council of Nine rose as a new law and order for this dark age. To avenge the corporations’ reckless destruction, the Council issues death warrants for all white collar criminals. Their hunters – the bounty killer. From amateur savage to graceful assassin, the bounty killers now compete for body count, fame and a fat stack of cash. They’re ending the plague of corporate greed by exterminating the self serving CEOs and providing the survivors of the apocalypse with retribution.
These are the new heroes. This is the age of the BOUNTY KILLER!
Tars sez: In the future, the future has become like all those direct to video films from the late 1980s! The only difference is now the people hunted are 1% jerkoffs. How many people named Romney will be in this film? And will the film address that a supposed film for the 99% turns the heroes into people just as bad as the CEOs they hunt down and kill for cash? And where do you spend cash after the apocalypse?
Captain Battle AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Cuyle Carvin, Andrew McGuinness
Director – David Palmieri
Writer – Kenny White
SAM BATTLE is injured during his tour of duty in the Gulf War. He loses an eye and is near death. His good friend, BRANDON STORM, who is a scientist, injects him with a secret serum that he has been developing that will save his life. The side effects are unknown.
Information about the original Captain Battle Tars sez: Yes, Captain Battle is a real public domain super hero, even though now he’s starring in a Captain America ripoff of the highest order. I think the Captain America porno was less similar to Captain America!
Captain Nemo AFM Link
Company – Shoreline Entertainment
Cast – Hugh Bonneville
Director – Pearry Teo
Writer – C. Courtney Joyner
United States, 1871. “Sea monsters” are sinking ships up and down the atlantic seaboard. President Ulysses S. Grant, enraged that his Navy is helpless in the face of this onslaught, is forced to ask for assistance from the notorious Captain Nemo, who’s in federal prison for war crimes. Grant returns Nemo’s submarine, the infamous Victorian Steampunk Marvel Nautilus, and promises a full Presidential pardon if Nemo hunts down and destroys the source of the attacks. Unfortunately, the enemy may be closer than any of them realize.
Tars sez: What the world needs now is yet another Captain Nemo movie! At least this one has giant monsters. Maybe. The quotes around “Sea monsters” has me concerned.
Carribean Cartel 3D(spelled wrong in the entry title!) AFM Link
Company – Robin Hood Films
Cast – tbd
Director – Christopher Robin Hood
Writer – Christopher Robin Hood
Producer – Christopher Robin Hood
When a massive human trafficking ring is tracked to Costa Rica, five tough and sexy Interpol agents are brought in to shut it down. Uncertain which of the drug cartels is behind the kidnappings, the agents have to go undercover, hoping to be abducted themselves, to draw out the mastermind behind it.
Tars sez: Look, if you can’t even spell the name of your Charlie’s Angels ripoff movie correctly…
Chupacabra vs. the Alamo AFM Link
Company – Echo Bridge Entertainment
Over the course of one night in the historical fort, an unlikely band of heroes will form a defense against an onslaught of vicious monsters.
A mysterious creature devours citizens in a suburb of San Antonio, Texas. Could it be the fabled “Chupacabra.” As the attacks increase, police officer, CARLOS SEGUIN must stop the creature before its appetite grows.
Facebook photos indicate Vanesa Tomasino Rodriguez and Erik Estrada Tars sez: I will kill every last one of you to see this film, even though it will be terrible. But I must watch something called Chupacabra vs. the Alamo, I must! This has SyFy written all over it. Just remember, there is no basement at the Alamo! I hope this is historically accurate. Davy Crockett kilt him an chupacabra when he was only three.
Collision Course AFM Link
Company – MarVista Entertainment
Cast – Tia Carrere, David Chokachi, Dee Wallace
Director – Fred Olen Ray
Writer – Jason Bourque
Kate Parks has spent the past year on tour promoting her book, an in-depth look at the attempted cover up of her husband’s death in a plane crash. Now all she wants is to return home to her daughter, 15-year-old Samantha. But when a powerful solar flare strikes her flight home, killing the pilot, knocking out the co-pilot and frying all the electronic systems on the plane, it looks like she may not get there. As panic sets in among the passengers, Kate works with flight attendant Jake to manage the growing chaos and tension on the plane as she tries to keep 30,000 tons of steel hurtling through the air at 500 miles per hour. Flying blind, Kate tries to find a way to communicate with air traffic control – one way or another, this plane is coming down. With the passengers’ lives on the line, Kate will have to find a way to land safely… or never see her daughter again.
Site Link Tars sez: Airline disaster movies are great because it’s always a crazy roller-coaster as the film tries to keep suspense going for 90 minutes before we find out if the plane crashes. Fred Olen Ray knows how to keep a film interesting, so I have high hopes for Collision Course.
Confederacy Of The Dead – The South Will Rise
aka Confederate-Z AFM Link
Company – MultiVisionnaire Pictures
Director – Alex Orr
Writer – Alex Orr
Completion Year – 2014
Just like any other American holiday in the South, families and friends have gathered for a beautiful day at the annual Civil War battle reenactment at Buck Head Creek. As the field cleared from all the smoke created by cannons and gun powder, a very real sounding musket goes off in the distance. The mock battle immediately stops in an eerie silence, then a platoon of crazed dead Confederate soldiers in arms attack the group.
The reenactment has resurrected the dead Confederate soldiers buried underneath, and they still think they are in battle. The survivors of the reenactment have to figure out how to survive the attacks and stop the zombie soldiers from reaching the downtown where millions live. It’s a race against time, and possibly the only person that can defeat the zombie soldiers is the great-grandson of Major General William Sherman.
Site Link Tars sez: Oh, hey, it’s a film that had a cool pun in the title that no one would get upon first reading it, so they changed it to a more generic title. Any film that has people killing Confederates is a good film, even if the Confederates are already dead. Suck it, traitors! Here’s hoping zombie Rhett Butler shows up and gets shot.
Deadly Descent
aka Deadly Descent: The Legend of the Abominable Snowman AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – UFO International
Cast – Adrian Paul, Nicholas Boulton, Chuck Campbell
Director – Marko Makilaakso
Writer – Nathan Atkins
In 1992 GLACIER PEAK, WASHINGTON a small group of back country skiiers climb Glacier Peak, one of most remote mountains in the Cascade Range. Lead by JAKE TANNER, a group is somewhere high up on the mountain where they disappear and are never seen again.
PRESENT DAY- GLACIER PEAK. A helicopter soars over the snowy peak. In the rear cabin is a U.S. Special Forces member fresh off a long tour in Afghanistan: BRIAN TANNER. Brian is Jake’s son who is now going to find out what really happened to his father. As he flies in, we see he is checking his gear; a satellite phone, automatic weapon, clips and a number of grenades- he is preparing for battle. After being dropped off on the peak, he skis on the edge of disaster- just ahead of an avalanche, but he is not fast enough to outrun it. It catches him and takes him over a cliff in a massive white wave of ice, snow and destruction… It appears that Brian is gone… no one could’ve survived.
Lead by Brian’s sister NINA, she is joined by a team of world class skiing and boarding experts who are going by helicopter in for a rescue mission to find her brother. With a storm moving in, they have just 24 hours to find him and reach the rendezvous point or they’ll trapped on the mountain facing certain death.
After combating a raging blizzard, the team finds Nina’s brother on the mountain- alive! But now the group learns the truth about the legend of Glacier Peak. They will now have to battle their way down the mountain, skiing and boarding on the edge of disaster- avoiding massive avalanches and hopefully getting to the helicopter before they are all left for dead.
Site Link Tars sez: EXTREME! EXTREME SASQUATCH! He sure is an abominable snowman! Ha! Crack open some cans of Mt. Dew (or Mountain Lightning if you’re on a budget!) and hit the trails as we’re gonna do a 720 halfpipe on that Yeti bastard. Good thing their crazy friend BRIAN TANNER brought all these weapons to use. Hopefully on the yeti.
Deep underwater in the Marianas Trench an accident results in a devastating Tsunami that destroys the Hawaiian Islands as it continues toward the west coast. Panic ensues all up and down the western coast of North and South America. In an attempt to lessen its impact, scientists launch an underwater explosion that inadvertently makes the tsunami more powerful and focused on Los Angeles. Scientists rush to a solution while the military begins planning for the worst. Los Angeles begins emergency evacuation. Lives and loves are lost even as a brash young grad student comes up with a solution: start the mother of all earthquakes to counter the rushing torrent and raise the continental shelf off the coast of the United States.
Site Link Tars sez: A trend in these obviously made for SyFy flicks is now they’re starting to take up two cool titles in their names. Not only do we get the instantly sellable Disaster Wars, but we also get a vs. name for all the fighting fans. Just think, if they do an earthquake big enough, it will not only kill the tsunami, it will take out a couple of hurricanes as well no extra cost!
The Down Home Alien Blues AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Magic Elevator
Cast – Nathalie Biermanns, Jay Mitsch, Derek Partridge, Aaron Groben, Eric Satterberg, Kristen Hansen, Renata Green-Gaber
Director – C. Duke Marsh
Writer – C. Duke Marsh
Producer(s) – C. Duke Marsh, Berenika Bailey
Based on a novel by award winning national author, Linnea Sinclair, who has a national following among women who like romance within a sci-fi setting. The story blends romance, humor and action with a tear jerking ending.
—
The beautiful alien commander and her strike force are sent to protect earth from destruction by extraterrestrial Devastators. She joins forces with a Florida homicide detective investigating the unexplained deaths.
They fall in love while evading humans and working together to stop the Devastators from killing everyone on earth.
Site Link Tars sez: Wow, I knew romance novels were popular (they are by far the most popular part of a bookstore, IIRC) but now they’re getting made into indie flicks! This will be a trend, mark my words.
Dragon Warriors AFM Link
Company – Highland Film Group
Cast – James Marsters, Kaitlin Doubleday, Luke Perry, Adam Johnson
Director(s) – Maclain Nelson, Stephen Shimek
Two estranged brothers must put aside the past in order to defeat an evil wizard and his enchanted dragon that terrorizes the land.
Tars sez: That’s a pretty generic plot description, but you can guarantee seeing this thing on SyFy, especially with Luke Perry attached. In fact, let’s just have a SyFy flick with the entire 90210 cast! They could fight mutated peaches. And have them all still play high school students for extra fun!
Fire Quake AFM Link
Company – UFO International
Producer(s) – Jeffery Beach, Phillip J. Roth
As a series of underground fires threaten to melt the Earth from within, mankind must take drastic measures before the planet becomes a scorched wasteland.
Tars sez: Fire Quake is such a generic name I’m surprised no one though of it already. Not sure whey they didn’t just call it Lava Quake, that sounds cooler. Or Infernogeddon!
Gathering of Heroes: Legend of the Seven Swords AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Inferno Film Productions
Cast – Christopher Atkins, Martin Kove, Mark Grove, Trygve Lode
Director(s) – Mark Grove, Jon Firestone
Writer – Mark Grove
In the mystical realm of Ryntia, the forces of the underworld are aligning to unleash a plague of evil upon the surface. Guided by fragmented visions, a mysterious Oracle gathers seven unlikely heroes to face the threat. …but first they must embark upon a quest to find the legendary seven swords of Draconus.
Site Link Tars sez: I like the numerous Dungeons and Dragons type films (especially since the latest Dungeons and Dragons is on the AFM list!) so hopefully this one is pretty fun. It certainly has the names down pat.
Ghost Shark AFM Link
Company – Echo Bridge Entertainment
Completion Year – 2013
Two locals must uncover the truth about their town’s dark past or fall victim to a ghost shark that can hunt on land and in the sea.
Tars sez: G-g-g-g-g-ghost Shark! Sharks swimming through land has been pretty popular lately in SyFy flick world. But Ghost Shark kicks it up a notch! What would be awesome is a Ghostbusters cameo, but that would never happen. I hope Ghost Shark returns to fight Ghost with the Most Shark.
GILA! AFM Link
Company – CineTel Films, Inc.
Cast – Brian Gross, Terence Knox, Christina DeRosa
Director – Jim Wynorski
Writer(s) – Steve Mitchell, William Dever, Jim Neilsen, Paul Sinor
The tranquility of a peaceful town is shattered by ruthless attacks of an enormous mutated lizard. Hot-rodders band together and try to stop the ‘unstoppable’ Gila monster. Filled with eye-popping special effects, GILA! takes a fond look back at the 1950s with vintage cars, a vicious monster, and 22 original rock &roll oldies from the era. Hot Cars, Hot Music, Hot Chicks, and one big monster!
Tars sez: Jim Wynorski remaking The Giant Gila Monster? Sure. I’ll give it a go.
Gladiators V Werewolves: Edge of Empire AFM Link
Company – AV Pictures, Ltd.
Director – Rob Green
Writer(s) – Rob Green, Richard Campling
Completion Year – 2013
Gladiators and werewolves fight to the death in the arena the greatest fighters of ancient Rome and a ferocious tribe of captured lupine warriors clash in blood and thunder battles for the entertainment of the crowds.
Other Comments – Edge of Empire will be the first film in the Gladiators V Werewolves trilogy. Tars sez: Gladiators V Werewolves has to be different, hence the vs. just being a V. Because the Visitors are our friends. I can’t imagine this being popular enough to warrant a trilogy, but someone obviously does. Are gladiators really that popular now?
Elf-Man AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Vision Films
Cast – Jason Acuña, Jeffrey Combs, Mackenzie Astin
Director – Ethan Wiley
Writer – Ethan Wiley
When Santa leaves an Elf behind on Christmas Eve, the Harper kids find out his true identity as a super-hero “ELF-MAN”. Together they must save their Dad’s new invention from a bumbling gang of thieves, and enjoy the best Christmas, ever.
Tars sez: One group of films I neglected to give many examples of are the dozens and dozens of Christmas films that are family fare and boringly similar. Except for this golden egg, as Elf-Man combines the Christmas films with the super hero films to make a film that is truly unique. And it has Jeffery Combs, who is always awesome, and Mackenzie Astin, who was in Garbage Pail Kids!
FANGS OF WAR AFM Link
Company – Stealth Media Group Limited
Cast – Dominic Purcell, Tom Felton, Gabriel Freilich, Rin Takanashi
Director – Jim Donovan
Writer – Geoffrey Gunn
FANGS OF WAR is an explosive cocktails of Quentin Tarantino’s CAMP, Takashi Milke’s PERVERSION, and Sergio Leone’s COOLNESS.
The Nazis have Count Dracula in their possession and are experiementing on him at the castle. A team of Special Forces soldiers is sent to retrieve Dracula without knowing what they are looking for or what horrors they will discover in the castle. The premise soon becomes clear – The Nazis want to examine Dracula in order to extract the secret of immortality and the Allies want to stop the Nazis from achieving everlasting life. The soldiers simply want to survive and escape the castle.
Tars sez: Based on Bram Stoker’s Dracula? Maybe if retold to you by your stoned unemployed roommate who never actually read the book and fell asleep watching The History Channel. I am also not fond of films that try to say their film is a combo of the best part of multiple directors’ styles, it’s trying too hard. Just name your flick Dracula vs. Nazis.
Ice Comets AFM Link
Company – Echo Bridge Entertainment
A mysterious explosion in space sends ice comets plummeting toward Earth and according to mythology will bring about the end of the world.
Tars sez: But comets are made of ice?
INDEPENDENCE DAYSASTER AFM Link
Company – CineTel Films, Inc.
Cast – Ryan Merriman, Tom Everett Scott
Director – David Hogan
When the Earth is attacked by alien machines on the 4th of July, a small town firefighter and a rogue SETI scientist team up to activate the only technology capable of defeating the invaders.
Tars sez: By far the best title not involving the Alamo or Chupacabra, Independence Daysaster will hopefully be the beginning of a whole series of Daysaster flicks. This stuff writes itself. Just wait until Arbor Daysaster and the killer trees.
Iron Girl AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – CREi Inc.
Cast – Kirara Asuka, Rina Akiyama, Mitsuki Koga
Director – Masatoshi Nagamine
Writer(s) – Masatoshi Nagamine, Yoshiyuki Ishizuka
When Anne, a village girl, is attacked by evil bandits called Crazy Dogs, a mysterious beauty in shining armor appears and saves her. This superhumanly strong woman is rumored to be the legendary savior, Iron Girl, and she leads the aggrieved village people to fight back Crazy Dogs.
Site Link Tars sez: Weirdo Japanese super hero flick? They should name this Movie for Tars Tarkas. Also it’s the best sequel Iron Lady could have hoped for!
Iron Soldier AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Brianna Barnes, Derick Fage, Joe Estevez
Director – Brett Kelly
Writer – David A. Lloyd
A robot created by the military falls into the hands of a group of mercenaries. It’s up to the son of the man who created the robot to stop the mercenaries before they sell the robot to a foreign power.
Site Link Tars sez: This Optimus Prime Gundam is the future of warfare, folks! I’m down for a killer robot flick, any time, any where. Even in a robot factory where other robots will see me watching a killer robot flick where the killer robots die and then the robot factory robots get all sad that the killer robots died and decided to kill humanity. That is the price we must pay to have good killer robot cinema. And bad killer robot cinema.
THE LITTLE WIZARD 3D: GUARDIAN OF THE MAGIC CRYSTALS AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Spotlight Pictures
Director – John Cernak
Producer – Jim Woodcock
Join Foible and Knot on their enchanted adventure through a fantastical world filled with dragons, wizards, and one magical medallion in this breathtaking animated adventure for the entire family.
Site Link Tars sez: I don’t even know, but it looked slightly more creative than a lot of the bad CG kid flicks.
A Magic Puppy
aka A Halloween Puppy AFM Link
Company – Blue Galaxy International
Cast – Kristin DeBell, Eric Roberts, Susan Olsen
Director – Mary Crawford
Horror movie buff Adam Wilder’s favorite holiday is Halloween, but this year promises to be different from usual when his best friend Molly (who’d like to be something more than that) accidentally turns his mom’s boyfriend into a puppy when she attempts to cast a spell.
Tars sez: Hey, it’s like that tv show Poochinski, except on Halloween! What wacky dog adventures will this dog that was a man get involved in? Will he trick or treat knowing chocolate is poison to dogs and then he dies? Because that would be a bummer way to end the film.
Legend of the Red Reaper AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Boll World Sales
Cast – Tara Cardinal, David Mackey, Ray Eddy
Director – Kristen Stewart
Writer(s) – Arielle Jayme, Kim Pritekel
For a thousand years, the Reapers guarded mankind from the demons that wait in the dark. Now, at the beginning of a new age, the Reapers are betrayed and slaughtered. Only one Reaper remains – Red, and she’s out to exact revenge.
Tars sez: Red Sonja crossed with Jedi, with a comic book pedigree that might give us something interesting, or at least compensate for the lower budget. And, no, it’s not that Kristen Stewart as director, but it is a woman director who had a hand in creating the woman-centric role, so it’s got that going for it.
Ninja Assassin Babes
aka Girls Gone Gangsta AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Meridien Films
Cast – John Goodman, Dominique DuVernay, Deanna Meske, Jamie Alyson Caudle
Director – Joseph Swider
Writer – John Swider
Welcome to Neon City, where three beautiful good-girls-turned-gangsta battle a motley collection of gangsters, clones, witches and cannibalistic clowns in this tale of revenge and redemption. The girls’ effeminate boyfriends and a couple of inept thugs only make the matters hilariously worse.
Alternate synopsis:
It’s a cruel world. In Neon City, 3 young women (Scorpio’s Girls) must fight for the only thing their murdered father Scorpio left them, their body shop. Von Drago, the evil mastermind of Neon City, and leader of the H.O.E.s (Heads of Evil) has a grand plan for one stop criminal shopping, the Von Drago casino. There’s only one problem. He must first get the body shop from the girls, and they’re not selling.
Site Link Tars sez: John Goodman is in this film? John Goodman is in this film. John Goodman is in this film? John Goodman is in this film. John Goodman is in this film? John Goodman is in this film. John Goodman is in this film? John Goodman is in this film. John Goodman is in this film? John Goodman is in this film. John Goodman is in this film? John Goodman is in this film. John Goodman is in this film? John Goodman is in this film. John Goodman is in this film? John Goodman is in this film. John Goodman is in this film? John Goodman is in this film.
An ex-marine has found peace and quiet in the remote American West. His tranquillity is shattered when a strange series of trespassers, including a beautiful elf princess and a Native American mystic, take refuge with him. When an army of orcs invade his property, John must give up his isolation to become a hero before the orcs sacrifice his new charges and unleash a dark magic on our world.
Tars sez: Orcs are popular once again, maybe they’re trying to ride the Hobbit trilogy wave. Don’t you hate it when your farm is invaded by an army of Orcs? That’s why I installed that barbed wire. It worked like a charm, and keeps out those hobbits, who will dig unsightly holes in your yard.
Orcs! AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Archstone Distribution
Cast – Adam Johnson, Brad Johnson, Maclain Nelson
Director – James MacPherson
Writer(s) – Anne K. Black, Jason Faller, Kynan Griffin, Justin Partridge
Faced with extinction, two park rangers are forced to defend the national park against hordes of rampaging orcs. Ancient and long forgotten, these orcs are unleashed from the depths of the mountains, and they won’t stop until we’re all dead.
Site Link Tars sez: The exclamation point makes Orcs! sound like a Broadway musical, but it’s just your normal park rangers vs. magical monsters film. Just what two park rangers are supposed to do against an army of orcs, I don’t know.
Patriot Act AFM Link
Company – Archstone Distribution
Director – Wayne Slaten
Kane is a retired member of The Legion, a hit squad responsible for the extinction of an alien race. Set in a future communist America, Kane must now hunt a renegade Dropa alien intent on killing the former members of his team.
Site Link Tars sez: I see. Hopefully this doesn’t suck as much as the actual Patriot Act…
Perfect: Android Rising AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Samantha Talbott, Roberto Lombardi
Director – Chris R. Notarile
Writer – Chris R. Notarile
In the near future, our nation is at war with itself, once again. The United States, on the brink of collapse, transforms into a totalitarian republic. All those who oppose the new Republic are deemed traitors and form the Rebel Resistance.
In an effort to wipe out the rebels, the new Republic authorizes the engineering of the perfect killing machine, an artificially intelligent android soldier named LIA. But while in battle, LIA is captured by the Resistance and reprogrammed to think and feel.
Will LIA switch allegiances, effectively deciding the outcome of this war? Or will she finish her mission and exterminate the Rebel Resistance?
Tars sez: LIA and not Leia, huh? When will the US learn to stop being at war with itself? Also why does it only build one super sexy android assassin?
Precious Cargo AFM Link
Company – Fleur De Lis Film Studios
Cast – Esai Morales, Andy Lawrence
Director – Esai Morales
Writer – Alan Marcus
John Stokes is used to pushing the legal limits to protect animal rights. Now he’ll test his own limits to stay alive, bring down a brutal animal trafficking ring and stop a terrorist plot to shift the balance of power in the Mid-east.
Alternate synopsis:
John Stokes pushes the limits of his legal authority protecting animal rights. Working off the grid in Central America, he finds himself a fugitive from his own agency when he’s marked for death by a brutal animal trafficking ring and framed for a political assassination. Now, all he has to do is stay alive long enough to clear himself and find the evidence to stop a terrorist plot for a nuclear weapons program.
Tars sez: Okay, so both of the plot descriptions I found make this sound like an action thriller where John Stokes – Animal Defender kicks terrorist butt, but the poster image is filled with dozens of cute baby animals being cute. I am confused.
Prometheus Trap AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Halcyon International
Cast – Michael Shattner, Rebecca Kush
Director – Andrew Bellware
Writer – Steven J Niles
THEIR SEARCH FOR ANSWERS WILL TAKE THEM TO THE EDGE OF THE UNIVERSE….
In deep space, the military cruiser, VENOM, is diverted from its mission to investigate a derelict freighter ship, the PROMETHEUS. On board, all of the crew are dead – victims of sabotage. And its only cargo is a weapon… one that will change the course of time and their destiny.
PROMETHEUS TRAP
The end begins…Again…
Tars sez: Wow, Prometheus Trap sure goes to a long way to make their film sound like a sequel to Prometheus. Enough I think lawyers might be sending them threatening letters soon.
Prometheus Unbound AFM Link
Company – Stealth Media Group Limited
Director – Isaac Florentine
Writer – Mitch Gould
Modified with nanotechnology to become a human weapon, a young soldier is the only one who can stop a powerful company of warmongering mercenaries from starting a global nuclear war.
Site Link Tars sez: The other film that tries to cash in on the Prometheus name sounds nothing like Scott’s flick and might be legitimately using the Prometheus tale as an allegory to it’s actual plot with the nanoteched super soldier having special powers. But I’m sure they won’t turn down that extra Prometheus cash!
Rise of the Black Bat AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Jody Haucke, Dixie Collins, Leo Frost, Richard Groen
Director – Scott Patrick
Writers – Trevor Payer, Brett Kelly
In a City where crime rules supreme, District Attorney Tony Quinn has the scales of justice stacked against him. When a crime boss has Tony blinded by acid, it seems that crime has won for good. But through a miracle of modern science, Tony is given the ability to see in the dark like a bat. Tony Quinn takes the guise of the Black Bat to see to it that crime pays and that the scales of justice are balanced once more.
Tars sez: Another Public domain hero for TomCat Films to make look like recent super hero blockbusters. Luckily the Black Bat fan community is all behind this film. Yep, both of them!
Rorrim Bo & The Magic Goblet 3D AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – PLANETA INFORM Film Distribution
Cast – Renata Litvinova
Director – Katya Grokhovskaja
Writer – Katya Grokhovskaja
Long ago the inhabitants of a fairytale world imprisoned the evil spirit of witch Vergilda in a goblet and hid it on our planet. Now the goblet is found, and the spell is broken. Vergilda is free and she seeks revenge. Nobody knows that she gets stronger with children’s fears. But there appears a good-natured creature, Rorrim Bo, who is determined to help the kids fight the witch. All Rorrim lacks is a little bravery…
Tars sez: A furry gnome thing and a goofy witch? If I was 4 I’d be all over this film. Getting animal crackers on the DVD, spilling juice on the case, playing it over and over until the DVD player wore out.
Saturday Morning Massacre AFM Link
Company – Continental Media
Cast – Heather Kafka, Ashley Spillers
Director – Spencer Parsons
Writer – Jason Wehling
When a foursome of paranormal investigators, who happen to travel in a vintage van accompanied by their canine companion (sound familiar?), realize their business is on the rocks, they agree to take on a rambling mansion with a mysterious past. Set more on debunking a hoax than hunting ghosts, the team nonchalantly settles in for the night, but what awaits them in the dark may prove more terrifying, and a lot deadlier, than anything they could have expected.
Tars sez: Jersey Shore Shark Attack was just the beginning, spoofs of tv shows showing up in horror flicks is the new normal, and I’m all for it. But you got to be all in. These better be 100% on the nose parodies of our favorite crime fighting team. That will be what I am judging this on.
Shock Attack AFM Link
Company – Worldwide Film Entertainment
Cast – Anya Prinz
Director – Jaclyn Chessen
Writer – Nicole Lopatin
A well-meaning scientist’s attempt to develop a green source of energy unleashes a frankenstein from the sea. Creature design by Marcelino Newquist (THE AVENGERS, MEN IN BLACK 3.)
Site Link Tars sez: Shock Attack sounds like Shark Attack, so good job title creator. And it has a crazy sea monster made by a guy who does actual creature making for a living, so it will looks cool.
Snake Club: Revenge of the Snake Woman AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Veronica Ricci,
Director – David Palmieri
Writer – Kenny White
An ancient legend tells of Lamia a beautiful queen and adultress…. Her lover was put to death and she was transformed into a snake, roaming the earth on her belly, she murders and enslaves the innocent until the gods turn her into a stone statue… She now waits for her time to return…
Tars sez: The first rule of Snake Club is Snake Woman Gets Revenge. You’ll be dead by the second rule as she will have pre-revenged against you. Why isn’t Snake Club called “Whacking Day”? At the very least I hope Snake Woman is killed by famed Snake Whackers from Springfield.
Star Runners: The Web Series AFM Link
Company – UFO International
Cast – James Kyson Lee
Star Runners: The Web Series
STAR RUNNERS introduced an exciting and vibrant universe where humanity had recently spread to the stars – though perhaps a bit too quickly. As colonies sprung up on distant planets, moons and space stations, the UNITED PLANETS (an extension of the United Nations) struggled to maintain order and stability. While the core planets were relatively easy to regulate, the outer planets, or Outskirts, presented a more difficult challenge. It wasn’t long before the governing bodies tried to force their will on all colonies of man, and just as quickly, there was resistance.
The DISSIDENT FACTION was an underground movement intent on obtaining freedom from the U.P.’s control and ever-expanding empire. This created a black market for goods, and interstellar smuggling was big business. These “Star Runners” were the lifeblood of the resistance. They were also just regular men and women looking to make an honest (or not always so honest) living in this brave new world. TYCHO ‘TY’ JOHNS and LEI CHEN are two such men who often find themselves caught between the U.P. Military and the Dissident Faction.
STAR RUNNERS: THE WEB SERIES will chronicle the years of camaraderie between the two and their many misadventures as space smugglers. Along the way, there will be many run-ins with the law, and of course, more than a few space critters. At the heart of the series, however, is an age old question with which anyone can relate – how far do you have to go to be free?
Finding inspiration from hit films and series such as Star Wars, Starship Troopers, Firefly, The Fifth Element and Pitch Black, STAR RUNNERS was an action-packed thrill ride through uncharted space, mixing classic space opera with Syfy’s popular creature-feature formula. STAR RUNNERS: THE WEB SERIES promises to take it even further.
Ultimately, STAR RUNNERS is about good, old-fashioned adventure in space.
Are you ready to make the jump?
Site Link Tars sez: This isn’t a film, but I’m including it here because I thought the Star Runners SyFy flick was great and different enough from the others it stood out. I’m glad others thought so, enough that it is getting a web series prequel. It looks like only James Tyson Lee is returning, no sign of Connor Trinneer in the promo material. But I’ll be watching.
Sucker AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Big Screen Entertainment Group
Cast – Michael Manasseri, Ricky Wayne, Jordan Trovillion, Monty Bane, Lloyd Kaufman
Director – Michael Manasseri
Writer – Jean Paul Epstein
Jim Crawley (Michael Manasseri – WEIRD SCIENCE, BABYSITTER WANTED) is having a really bad day. He’s fired from his job, his car gets impounded then he finds out his wife’s having an affair.
To make matters worse, Jim gets himself abducted by an evil scientist looking to conduct human testing for a vaccine against a deadly mosquito borne virus spreading across the world in a deadly outbreak.
It turns out that years of exposure to nuclear radiation and rabid mosquito DNA don’t mix very well and Jim transforms into a half man-half mosquito, out for revenge.
Amazing visual effects, comic book style action/adventure film, high production value, great characters.
Sucker… payback’s an itch.
Site Link Tars sez: It’s Mansquito, but without the cool name! The promo material and website seems to be very enthusiastic and it looks like everyone had a great time making the film, so hopefully that energy translates well into the final product, and Sucker doesn’t suck.
Tiger Mask AFM Link
Company – Shochiku Co., Ltd.
Cast – Eiji Wentz, Sho Aikawa, Natsuna
Director – Ken Ochiai
Writer(s) – Hidehiro Ito, Itaru Era, Ken Ochiai, Micael. W Schock
The fictional masked professional wrestler and timeless hero, Tiger Mask is back in a new Marvel superhero-inspired costume for a new generation of movie lovers! Recently in Japan, anonymous donations have been made in the name of Tiger Mask to underprivileged children. Tiger Mask’s legend lives again! Tiger Mask, the mysterious masked hero with his hidden identity who selflessly guards and provides for children. The movie Tiger Mask brings back his legend to children today. It focuses on the beginnings of the Tiger Mask legend.
1/3 of the movie tells the story of children training to be great wrestlers in a parallel dimension called The Tiger Pit. Focusing on the untold story of young Naoto Date’s early life leading up to his legend as Tiger Mask. This is how it all begins!
A frail but smart and caring boy goes through a transformation to become Tiger Mask, the invincible hero. And he literally transforms with a specially fabricated Tiger Suit which utilizes special, top quality costume design reminiscent of Spiderman and Batman, the movie promises excitement.
The message of the film is that any child can be a hero. While respectfully retelling the original story, the movie also expands on the legend. This new action hero movie aims to be a hit series!
Tars sez: I vaguely remember a Tiger Mask VHS at one of the video stores I haunted, and I would have sworn I rented it. But I don’t remember it at all, which leads me to think it was one of the many films I watched and then fell asleep on the couch while it played and then returned. Sorry, Tiger Mask, the nostalgia isn’t high enough to have me check you out.
Tomb of the Dragon AFM Link
Company – GFM Films
Cast – Scott Adkins, Dolph Lundgren
Director – Eric Styles
Writer – Andy Briggs
Travis, our heroic cryptozoologist, wants to prove that a prehistoric beast killing construction workers is more than just a myth. But at the same time, his ruthless competitor, Harker, wants to prove he is the best in the business and outdo Travis in any way he can.
Travis finds himself in a race against time to preserve the rare but deadly creature because Harker thrives on trophy killings and shoots to kill…including humans if they come between him and his prey.
Travis is funded by a mysterious wealthy benefactor and finds himself escorted by their slightly overwhelmed lawyer. The rest of his team consists of two friends, seasoned field workers Katie and Brandon, and Jianyu a boy who first gave him video proof of the dragon. Jianyu has his own mission, to prove that the oil company is covering up the truth about the beast killing his father on their site a site which is invading the creature’s time honoured home. Construction has woken the dragon from his tomb, a danger which they cannot fully understand.
As the death toll mounts, can Travis’ team outwit the company, battle against Harker and escape the jaws of death whilst saving the species from brutal extinction?
Tars sez: Okay, this is a busy plot. We got a company having their workers killed and it covering it up. We got an orphan kid from such killings. We got dueling cryptozoologists. We got a mysterious benefactor to the good cryptozoologist. We got a dragon. We got a random lawyer. We got an evil cryptozoologist who has trophies of the rare animals he killed, yet he’s somehow not shot dead by forest rangers. Okay. Sure. Dolph Lundgren = see it regardless!
Venom AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Worldwide Film Entertainment
Cast – Jessica Morris, Oliviah Crawford, Roberto Sanz Sanchez
Director – Gary Breslin
Writer – Joan Canning Boris
After a car breaks down in an isolated desert, a mother and young daughter are relentlessly pursued by a deadly snake
Site Link Tars sez: Don’t you hate it when you have a stalker, and it turns out to be a venomous snake? Because that’s happening far too often to me nowadays. The price of fame. Luckily there are some new anti-snake stalking laws on the ballot this November that I’m voting for…
The Vortex AFM Link
Company – Blue Galaxy International
Cast – Ted Jonas, Jack Plotnick, Sarah Lieving
Director – Peter Basler
When a convoy of America soldiers disappears in Afghanistan, a Special OPS team is deployed on a search and rescue mission. They encounter mega scorpions, giant spiders and oversized snakes which were created when a vortex into another dimension was opened by a former government scientist. The team has to figure out a way to close the wormhole. Can they close it in time?
Tars sez: The Vortex opens and half a dozen SyFy flicks spill out of it! Might as well get your money’s worth and throw in every monster you can afford the cheap overseas FX house to do!
WEEBEE THE RAPPIN BEAR EP. 1 & 2 AFM Link YouTube Trailer Link
Company – A1 Media Distribution
Cast – Evan Wecksell, Cheyenne Davidson
Director – Telzy Dennis
Writer – Telzy Dennis
Producer – Telzy Dennis
A rappin bear educates children in class
Site Link (Given site appears down) Tars sez: This is the greatest movie of all time. ALL TIME. Watch the trailer!!!!
That’s all for now, I’ll do another pass after the fest is underway to see if I missed any stragglers. But I doubt I’ll find anything as awesome as Weebee the Rappin Bear.
There are a bunch of new shark movies coming out soon, so here is a look at some of them, the ones we’ve decided to care about because we gotta be selective, don’t you know?
Swamp Shark:
Kirsty Swanson IS Swamp Shark. Oh, wait, Kirsty Swanson IS starring in Swamp Shark. My bad! It’s directed by Griff Furst, son of many-time SciFi movie director Stephen Furst (of Animal House fame) and Griff Furst was also in Transmorphers and Basilisk: The Serpent King.
A sneak peak scene:
Super Shark:
Fred Olen Ray can’t stay away from the shark movie money madness, so now we got another shark film called Super Shark! And this shark can walk! creature effects by BFX Imageworks, Inc.
Starring John Schneider (Dukes of Hazzard John Schneider) and Jimmie JJ Walker, along with Jerry Lacy, Tim Abell, Ted Monte, Sarah Lieving, Rebbeca Grant, Randy Mulkey, Shane Van Dyke, Mike Gaglio, and Dylan Vox
Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus:
Asylum sequel to Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, originally titled Mega Shark vs. Giganotosaurus, but that was too close to an actual dinosaur name that was a plant eater, hardly the type to go fight a Mega Shark. The Megalodon has survived its battle with the giant octopus from the previous film. But now, a new prehistoric terror is discovered deep in the jungles of Africa.
Starring Jaleel White, Gary Stretch, Sarah Lieving, Robert Picardo, and Gerald Webb. Directed by Chris Ray, which will be his third film but may end up the first one released as Reptisaurus and Megaconda both seem stuck in post-production.
It comes out December 21st! Make your Christmas a Mega Shark Christmas!
Mega Python vs. Gatoroid:
Not a shark film, but it sprang partially from the Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus film and Mega Piranha, as Debbie Gibson was in one and Tiffany in the other. Now they’re both in Mega Python vs. Gatoroid and their going to kick each other’s butts! Unless the Mega Pythons or Gatoroids get them first…
Psycho Shark (a.k.a. Jaws in Japan): CHECK OUT OUR REVIEW OF PSYCHO SHARK HERE!!!
College students Miki and Mai arrive on a private beach on a tropical island. They can’t find the hotel where they booked their reservations, and have gotten hopelessly lost, until a handsome young man shows up, offering to take them to his lodge. But something is not right about the place. The owner’s fingernails are tainted with blood and Miki feels something sinister lurking nearby.
