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InBad, Movie Reviews

Real Steel (Review)

September 30, 2011By

Real Steel


2011
Directed by Shawn Levy
real steel
Is Real Steel a Reel Steal? I don’t even know what that sentence would mean, but the answer is yes. Yes it is.
real steel
Since that opening makes no sense, let’s delve deeper into the robotic heart of Real Steel. Loosely based on a short story by Richard Matheson (author of I am Legend and Star Trek‘s “The Enemy Within”) that has already been made into a Twilight Zone episode, Real Steel instead goes more Rocky and more father and son bonding movie. And there’s also the Rock’em Sock’em Robots.
real steel
As every review will mention the Rock’em Sock’em Robots, I might as well, because that’s what everyone thought when they saw the first trailer. And that’s about all I knew going in to the free advanced screening (once again, TarsTarkas.NET sells out!) So it is pretty good with the fighting robots, except the fact the film is about a father and son bonding, the training robots to fight aspect is just flavor. And to sell toys. Toys that are similar enough that well-meaning grandparents will buy them instead of Transformers. Well, the world needs Go-Bots. But Real Steel is beyond Go-Bots. Real Steel is a flick with some heart. A flick where robots who don’t talk and are controlled remotely by humans have more personality that most of the robots in Transformers. A flick where someone cared about the story almost as much as the robot fighting scenes. It isn’t a great flick, but it isn’t terrible.
real steel

Charlie Kenton (Hugh Jackman) – A former boxer who is now a gambling robot fighter that owes money all over the place. Charlie continues to make dumb and hurtful choices until he finally learns to be a man thanks to his son and a robot.
Max (Dakota Goyo) – Charlie’s son he rarely thinks about and knows even less. Thanks to the death of his mom, he’s foisted onto Charlie for a while until his aunt and uncle can claim him (and Charlie can make some dough.) Like all kids of the future, plays video games and knows Japanese, despite looking exactly like Anakin from Episode I. Was also in Defendor.
Bailey Tallet (Evangeline Lilly) – Daughter of Charlie’s former trainer and current runner of the now-deserted gym (no one works out anymore because of robot fights!) Makes ends meet by fixing robot fighters.
Atom (Animatronics, CGI, and mo-capped Eddie Davenport) – Found in a junk pile, Atom is an old sparring bot fixed up and sent off to fight because no one will see it coming. Despite never talking and not even being alive, he’s the best cinematic robot of the year.
Zeus (Animatronics, CGI, and mo-capped Eddie Davenport) – Can’t you tell he’s evil? He looks like old school Megatron and he’s black and green, how much more evil can you be? The undefeated champ.

real steel

Super Batman & Mazinger V
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Super Batman & Mazinger V (Review)

August 8, 2011By

Super Batman & Mazinger V

aka Super Betaman aka 스타짱가 II 마징가V 슈퍼베타맨

1990
Written and Directed by Yeong-han Kim

Viewmaster…Attack!

What if Batman was some goofy Power Rangers kid show. And it sucked. Welcome to the world of Super Batman & Mazinger V! For those of you in the know, South Korea during the 80s and 90s produced a whole slew of copyright violating children’s programming that put the insane in the brain, much of which had tie-in low-quality toys. All of these films are horribly awful, and most of them are unknown in the West, rotting away on Korean VHS tapes. But occasionally some of them get brought out into the light of day, blinking in the sunlight, exposure to the bigger world a new and surreal experience for them. And TarsTarkas.NET tells them how much they suck!

Coming soon to the next Nolan film!

This time, Batman has gone all Power Rangers, and is either called Super Batman or Super Betaman (the film and related media cannot make up its mind!) He looks like he should be fighting Krankor and the Neptune Men, but instead fights a space witch and her crappy wolfman army. Besides making a horrific-looking Batman, they also steal wholesale from Mazinger V, an anime you’ve heard of if you’re into giant robot stuff, or will hear of once the new movie comes out in a few years (if you are reading this in the future and the movie already has come out, then read that sentence as past tense, but at least you get to fly hovercars!)

Hey, Teen Wolf Cosplay Guy, carsurfing was outlawed for a reason!

Other Korean kiddie programming includes Our Friend, Power 5 (Wurideul-ui chingu pawo 5) – A 1989 Ninja Turtles ripoff, Ddaeng-Chil and Double Light (땡칠이와 쌍라이트) – A 1990 alien invasion film where Yoda and apes show up, Eagle Man (who looks like another Batman clone), Dragonball: Goku Fights, Goku Wins (1990) – A Dragonball feature that follows the plot closer than any official Dragonball movie, and literally dozens more. Some of the films are all live action, some are all animation, and many are mixed in between, with models waved around and goofy alien costumes. The most frustrating part of the little information I’ve been able to find about these films is that they only have been released on decaying vhs tapes and will probably soon wither away into nothingness. The common denominator of many of this films seem to be to sell cheap toys, heck in this film a character carries around the toy of the giant robot! The legality of the toys I am sure is questionable at best.

Hi, we’re going to go all Star Wars Holiday Special on your ass!

As the film is in Korean with no subtitles (We don’t need no stinking subtitles!), character names are guesses or descriptions, and the plot is put together from what can be understood from the pictures. As it is a kid’s program, the plot isn’t that complicated, so no worries there. We’ve even found this handy plot synopsis: The witch Rinke rules over the plant Astro with an iron fist. She decides that she needs the super-powered robot, Zangga, to spread her rule to other planets. She learns that Zangga is lying dormant somewhere on Earth and sends her agents, Kats and Kobra, to find and collect him. However, she did not count on the intervention of Betaman and some Earth children who are also looking for Zangga.

That doesn’t help at all! Okay, it sort of has what is happening. Is Kobra the name of the Wolfman? I couldn’t ID any of the actors, but I added some names to the tags just in case. And I hope the mysterious II in the Korean title doesn’t mean there is another Super Batman film out there…because…::shudders::

Batman poses for photos, thousands die.

Batman (???) – Batman defends the rights of the ugly, and flies around and shoots lasers from his hands and wears a goofy yellow costume. Sometimes he turns into a cartoon and fights cartoon animals. Korea! (Sometimes Betaman depending on who is talking)
Fatty (???) – A manchild from space who lost his robot, so he carried around a toy robot. Uh, yeah.
Annoying Family – Weenie, Freckles, Girl, Woman, and Band-aid (???) – The annoying family that adopts Fatty for his mission on Earth. Some of these people must have been buried under an avalanche of ugly trees. The real tragedy of Super Batman & Mazinger V is that this family isn’t wiped out.
Evil Space Queen Rinke (???) – The Evil Space Queen who is looking for the lost robot and hopes to find it before Fatty does. She almost wins, but before Fatty dies of cardiac failure, he befriends the ugly family and they help him. If only the robot was lost in America, Fatty would be dead of a heart attack so powerful it destroys major cities! Rinke has a mysterious female companion who does nothing in the film except be by her side. And she has blue hair in cartoon form!
Evil Space Queen Henchmen – Wolfman, Dog Guy, Other Dog Guy, Mysterious Female Companion, Cartoon Ninja, Catman (???) – Evil Space Queen Rinke has a variety of henchmen that escaped from a play for preschool kids and are now menacing a family of ugly people. Luckily, Batman, defender of the ugly, is there to stop them with vaguely choreographed battles.
Looks like some lucky family got their family portraits back from JC Penney!
Creepies 2 DVD Cover
InMovie Reviews, Video Reviews

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Episode 104 – Creepies 2

October 18, 2010By

Discount Puppet Explosion 411 – Two teams compete to give the best reviews of bad movies. In this episode, Team B reviews the sequel to Creepies in order to score over Team Jawesome. Featuring more giant spiders, more models, more awful CGI, and more Johnny Mustache! Will it be enough to score another win? And what is Team B’s reaction to Team A’s rebranding as Team Jawesome? Find out on this episode of Discount Puppet Explosion 411!

Visit us on Youtube!

Future X-Cops movie
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Future X-Cops (Review)

August 27, 2010By

Future X-Cops

aka Mei loi ging chaat

2010
Directed and written by Wong Jing

The background spinning enrages me!

Future X-Cops is a mixed bag, a film that is part-action, part-comedy, part-drama, part-romance. We got robot guys, time travel, yelling kids, loved ones dying, weird slapstick, a dude with a microwave on his head, a guy who is trapped in a TV, an insect cyborg gang, a giant industrial machine, a cyborg cat lady, and hundreds of cops murdered. It’s all part of Wong Jing’s strategy of throwing the whole buffet against the wall and hoping it turns into a Monet painting. But instead we get more of a Thomas Kinkade.

When Future X-Cops was first announced, it was announced as the title Future Cops, which instantly made everyone think it was a remake of Wong Jing’s Future Cops, especially since Wong Jing was writing and directing this one. But as more details came out, suddenly the film was titled Future X-Cops and bared little resemblance to Future Cops except ripping off the basic plot of cops from the future being sent back in time to protect someone from being killed by bad guys.

In the future, gas shortages lead to go-kart madness!

It has been nice seeing Hong Kong start to pump out some more SciFi movies, but between this and Kung Fu Cyborg we have a ways to go before Hong Kong becomes a SciFi action mainstay. But some day they’ll produce things on par with I Love Maria again!

Like recent movie Beauty on Duty, there are a bajillion production companies and a bajillion producers for this flick. At this point, anyone with a spare $5 can be a Hong Kong producer and you can just have your named added to the wall of text during the opening credits.

Originally I was going to write a short version of this review, but the more I kept watching, the more I kept getting confused and angry and weirdly entertained, but not at the parts I should be entertained at. Thus, the review now is pretty long. Feel free to skip reading it and just look at the pictures, I’m under no delusions that 90% of you don’t do just that anyway. This text is just for us cool 10%ers. You know, the ones who are awesome.

Every one of these characters miss

Kidd Zhao (Andy Lau Tak-Wah) – He’s a cop, he’s from the future, and he’s an x. Whatever that means. But it does mean he’s a Future X-Cop! He’s also a robot, which sorts of makes up for his awful name. Andy Lau was in Future Cops besides being in Future X-Cops, making him the expert of Wong Jing films involving cops and futures.
Holly Wang (Barbie Hsu Hsi-Yuan) – Holly Wang is a cop from the present who likes Kidd Zhao, but he can’t like her back because then history will change and JFK will marry Hitler or something. So instead Holly Wang has to just be sad and look pale. So, so pale.
Kalon (Fan Siu-Wong) – Kalon is a evil cyborg guy who used to have a whole gang of cyborgs until Kidd Zhao killed most of them. Kalon’s crab claw cyborg stuff are upgraded to wings, snake arms, and other goofy stuff. Fan Siu-Wong was just on TarsTarkas.NET in Beauty On Duty, but he just couldn’t stay away!
Fiona (Tang Yi-Fei) – Kalon’s girl is a cyborg cat lady! She also goes back in time with her man so when they’re defeated by Kidd Zhao they’ll die together. Tang Yi-Fei is having so much fun being an evil cyborg cat lady it’s awesome. Just enjoy her over-acting cat moves and ridiculous smile as she does her moves.
Kiki Zhao (Xu Jiao) – Hey, that boy from CJ7 is a girl now! Kidd Zhao brings his daughter back in time with him for some reason because I guess they don’t have laws against bringing your relatives into harm’s way in the future.
Millie (Fan Bing-Bing) – Speaking of relatives in harm’s way, Kidd Zhao’s wife was also a x-cop in the future. Notice how I used the past tense? That’s because she won’t make it past the 20 minute mark!
After The Dark Knight, there was nowhere for the franchise to go but down
Kung Fu Cyborg
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Kung Fu Cyborg (Review)

November 1, 2009By

Kung Fu Cyborg

aka Kei hei hup aka Kung Fu Cyborg: Metallic Attraction

2009
Directed by Jeffery Lau

Jeffery Lau declared he wanted to do Chinese Transformers, and have his robots be “the incarnation of Oriental wisdom and strength.” Okay. Lau is no stranger to science fiction, as anyone who has seen A Chinese Tall Story can testify. Kung Fu Cyborg was originally titled Robot, then the title was turned into the easier to remember Metallic Attraction: Kung Fu Cyborg. Except for when it was called Kung Fu Cyborg: Metallic Attraction! Or just Kung Fu Cyborg. D’Oh! So we’ll just call it Kung Fu Cyborg when we refer to it, even if we slip up later. Just ignore the slip ups. They are not the droids you are looking for.

But in any event, here are a bunch of cool posters for Kung Fu Cyborg.

This is a long movie, approaching Korean standard of length. One could easily trim 30 minutes and it would do nothing but help the film along. The length is because it seems like two movies smooshed together, an origin story and a second story. Unfortunately, that means things will be dragging. And dragging. And lots of side plots happen. And it takes forever for the freaking robots to do their robot thing. Which is sort of why I watched the movie in the first place. Before this introduction gets as long as the pre-robot fight scenes in Kung Fu Cyborg, let’s just get to the Roll Call!


Xu Dachun (Hu Jun) – Xu Dachun is a tough cop who wants to get out of his small town and be a famous big town cop. Instead, he has to babysit a robot who moves in on the girl he loves. Then he dies and gets robotted himself. Tough break.
K-1 (Alex Fong Lik-Sun) – K-1 is just your average robot cyborg disguised as a normal human sent undercover to work as a police officer while secretly using his powers in very obvious ways that should blow his cover 5 times a day. But they never do because everyone in the film is crazy. Good for the film. Alex Fong Lik-Sun was on the 2000 Olympics swimming team and is a singer. Don’t confuse him with Alex Fong Chung-Sun, who I now realize I have seen almost 2 dozen of his films.
Zhou Sumei (Betty Sun Li) – A police officer in the small town who takes a shine to K-1. But Dachun likes her already, thus leading to a love triangle. Further love triangle problems are because K-1 is not allowed to love. Basically, lots of love problems, none of which is resolved by giant robot fights. I didn’t realize I knew who Betty Sun Li was until I remembered she was in a music video with Rain that my wife has watched 1000 times on Youtube. She rescues animals and wrote a book called Take Me Home: The Stories of I and Stray Animals.
K-88 (Wu Jing) – aka Chen Long, a rogue robot who will give the few lines of philosophical mumbo-jumbo the film tries to pass off as in depth commentary on man’s place in the universe. And he fights, thus we get action!
Xiao Jiang (Ronald Cheng Chung-Kei) – A local teacher and computer expert who has a crush on Sumei. Ronald Cheng is pretty famous considering his smaller role.
Zhou Suqing (Gan Wei) – Sumei’s sister who was off in college and thus not in part of the film. Spends most of the film with her hair covering her face. This is Gan Wei’s first acting role, but she did marketing work on films like CJ7, Warlords, and Red Cliff 2. Gan Wei also rescues animals like Betty Sun Li.
Lin Xiang (Eric Tsang Chi-Wai) – Eric Tsang spends most of his scenes looking like he is a millisecond from crying, which is an odd acting choice. Okay. Lin Xiang is the dude who invents all the robots for the government and in charged with making sure they don’t go all Skynet on the general population.

Antoo Fighter
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Antoo Fighter (Review)

June 3, 2009By

Antoo Fighter


2008SinemaMalasysia Link
Directed by Azizi Chunk


What we got here is sort of Malaysian Ghostbusters, but they use stick weapons instead of proton packs. Instead of busting ghosts we’re fighting monsters and demons. The mood is humorous, not taken too seriously, sort of like the actual Ghostbusters. With people running around in wacky costumes fighting monsters, the film can’t not be entertaining, double negative or not. Good fun. What other film let’s you see a giant Monsters Inc. character battle a giant robot? Take that, Iron Man!

Poh Jee (Radhi) – Poh Jee is our hero who dreams of a life greater than his pest extermination business. When he finds out his grandfather is a former demon fighter and is killed, Poh Jee can finally become the hero he has always wished to be. Radhi is a musician and actor
Drakulat Van Listerooy (Awie) – Drakulat is a servent of Lord Sharon, father of Satan, and longs to bring his master into our realm. Drakulat has been trying to do so for decades. Is constantly defeated by demon fighters. Awie is an actor and singer whose full name is Ahmad Azhar Bin othman.
Atuk/Pak Din (Harun Salim Bachik) – Atuk/Pak Din is Poh Jee’s grandfather and the last of the demon fighters (because Gultur just quit.) He is killed when Drakulat is freed, and passes on his tools to his grandson.
Lara Lenjan (Scha) – Lara drives a taxi, and is luckily there when Poh Jee needs a vehicle to chase after his grandfather. It also turns out she is one of the chosen to fight demons. A tough girl who is almost always wearing a baseball cap. Scha’s full name is Sharifah Nor Azean Bt Syed Mahadzir. Imagine that on a marquee! She is a hostess, model, and actress who also speaks English. Check out her gallery.
Opie (Nasrizal Ngasri) – A tire thief who turns out to be one of the chosen to become the next generation of demon fighters. Opie has an abrasive personality, but as Poh Jee is also loud, he fits right into the group. Nasrizal Ngasri is an actor, and that is the entirety of the information about him in English online.
Rambo (Bront Palarae) – Rambo is the effeminate member of the group who gets the least amount of characterization. So I can’t really give you an idea as to what Rambo is, besides named after an American movie franchise. Bront Palarae is an actor, director, and writer.
Tasya (???) – Tasya is the other female member of the group, who is dressed up like a stereotypical conservative female bookworm. Thus Opie immediately takes a liking to her. She is the one to turn to when you need someone who has read the instructions manual for a device.

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