Catman in Lethal Track

1990

Starring
Jonathan Isgar as Catman
Johnanna Brownstein as ???
Kenneth Goodman as ???
Danny Lau as ???
Tas Lehoczky as ???
Blue Moroney as ???
Directed by Godfrey Ho

From the fiery depths of Hell comes this abomination that curses the cinematic lands. The horror that men dare not speak its name can only be conceptualized as Catman! Astonishingly, this is the more coherent of the two Catman films, which are part of the rogue’s gallery of monstrosities heaped upon the good people of the Earth by one Godfrey Ho and on Joseph Lai, two ringleaders in terror extravagance. When they aren’t producing hundred of films with “ninja” in the title in some way, they are creating many extra films of the “martial arts” genre, in that they purchase films from overseas and intersplice a few minutes of original footage and a complete overdub, thus coming up with a comprehensive plot. In theory. In practice, it’s a confusing mess, and Catman in Lethal Track is no exception. Most of the film watching time is spent trying to figure out just what in the heck is going on at the moment. The rest is waiting for Catman’s sorry behind to arrive to save the day. Godfrey Ho monstrosities that have reached TarsTarkas.NET before include Robo Vampire and Undefeatable, and we can be assured he will hit our shores again like a Luftwaffe bombardment, striking out of nowhere to make us go running for the bomb shelter.

Catman is quite simply the lamest hero to ever grace the silver screen. Not that I think these films ever were exhibited on a silver screen anywhere, or even a copper screen, or a rust screen. Catman is lamer than Rat Pfink and Boo-boo, lamer than Batman and Robin Batman and Robin, lamer than Pumaman, and even lamer than a first grader’s Halloween costume. Catman’s cat-powers include super-strength, the power to change TV channels, the power to control electronics, the power to use his bullet-proof bracelets without getting his wrists broken, and the power to teleport out of chains while causing a grenade to explode a few feet in front of him. Basically, everything your average house cat can do. Catman’s symbol is borrowed from the Eveready batteries 9 Lives’s symbol in style. Catman’s costume was patched together in a few minutes with whatever the director had left over after making 900 ninja costumes for his other films. There wasn’t enough material for a mask, so Catman wears special Catman Glasses (or Cat Glasses) that hide his identity about as effective as Clark Kent’s glasses. Come to think of it, the people in this universe are much smarter in one respect; they know who Catman is without his mask on. Probably because Catman runs around fighting crime without his mask on, like an idiot. Good thing he lives in Thailand, where his family probably is no where near. They’re never brought up, nor is any other character development for Catman. We learn more about his lame partner Gus than we do about Catman, real name Sam. No relation to the comic character who was probably lame as well (but not as lame) based on his comic covers alone. We might as well jump right in, so bear with us when things seem confusing, as Catman is a victim of the “Copfuse-a-cat” company, rendering both films nonsensical…