This year, the rules are simple: The films must be of the quality expected of a news article on TarsTarkas.NET. The films can’t be mainstream films. The films can’t be one featured on last year’s list. The films must be completed in 2013 or later.
We tore through the 6900+ films in the AFM database to find the winners! As usual, the information on the AFM film database is terrible, I had to look up a lot of the posters and cast and trailers myself! That’s part of the reason this article took so long to write, besides life getting in the way. But the fruit has ripened, and not it is time to dig in!
Trends for the 2013 AFM included:
1- Far less monster films than usual. Either a few of the SyFy content producers didn’t show off their wares in the database, or they are just making less monster films now. I do think SyFy does have a bit of a backlog on films, so maybe they are holding off.
2- Frankenstein was everywhere! Most of the best are listed below, but there must be a 2000% increase in Frankenstein films.
3- There were far far fewer super hero films this year, barely any. Last year featured a lot of public domain characters getting low budget films, this year featured maybe two super hero films. A taste of the future, or are studios waiting until 2015?
4- The most unexpected trend was Home Alone with Taking Dog movies! I did not expect this to be a trend, but there are multiple films like this in the pipeline, and now it is a subgenre of talking dog films. Amazing.
5- Finally, the real trend was zombies (as always). Believe me, I left off hundreds and hundreds of boring sounding zombie films, and am utterly sick of zombies. So if a zombie film is listed, it must have something.
In the time it took to write all of this, a few of these films did see a release, so some you can check out now! To keep it fair, I did not watch the ones that did come out. Also, looking up information these films lead to information on many other films that weren’t even listed in the AFM catalog, so I have dozens of further updates of interesting thins to pepper the news with for the next few weeks. Lucky me!
But let’s get started with the big old list!
47 Meters Down
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Altitude Film Sales
Cast – Vanessa Kirby
Director(s) – Johannes Roberts, James Harris
Writer(s) – Johannes Roberts, Ernest Riera
Twenty-something sisters Kate and Lisa are gorgeous, fun loving and ready for the holiday of a lifetime in Mexico.
When the opportunity to go cage diving to view Great White sharks presents itself, thrill-seeking Kate jumps at the chance while Lisa takes some convincing. After some not so gentle persuading, Lisa finally agrees and the girls soon find themselves two hours off the coast of Huatulco and about to come face to face with nature’s fiercest predator.
But what should have been the trip to end all trips soon becomes a living nightmare when the shark cage breaks free and sinks and they find themselves trapped at the bottom of the ocean. With less than an hour of oxygen left in their tanks, they must work out how to get back to the boat above them through 47 meters of shark-infested waters.
Tars sez: It’s a reverse Open Water! I it just the two girls in the cage, or will there be cannon fodder for the sharks to chomp on? Because being underwater isn’t going to give the characters time to talk to make you sympathize with them. This has potential to be interesting, but could easily become awful.
Abner The Invisible Dog
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Blue Galaxy International
Cast – David Deluise, Nancy Sullivan
Director – Fred Olen Ray
Writer(s) – Pat Moran
Bumbling thieves steal top secret Government formulas and hide them in a toy store chemistry set, which is sold and given to a 12 year old boy for his birthday. The boy experiments using the vials and when the family dog licks the concoctions, one makes it TALK and the other makes it invisible! When the parents are away and the boy and dog are home alone, the thieves break in and get more than they bargained for.
Tars sez: One theme this year seems to be talking dog Home Alone movies, but Abner the Invisible Dog ups the ante by also giving the dog the power to turn invisible. It looks like a fun kids movie rental, and I recognized some Fred Olen Ray touches and actors just from the trailer. The poster gives hints to the Home Alone sequences, as well as having a guy do a Bruce Campbell impression! Dog’s accent: British.
The Adventures of Roborex
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Highland Film Group
Cast –
Director –
Writer(s) –
11-year old inventor, James Miller, has only one friend in the world, his beloved golden retriever Rex. But when a strange capsule lands in his backyard and a robot dog emerges, his life will never be the same. The robot identifies himself as RoboRex, and tells James that he has come from the future to stop an evil man named Dr. Apocalypse from taking over the world along with his wily robotic Destructo-Cat. With the help of Rex and RoboRex, James embarks on a heroic and heart warming adventure to save the future!
Tars sez: Robot dog vs robot cat! With Ethan Phillips (Neelix!) as the evil Dr. Apocalypse. But you got to expect your kid is going to be evil with the last name Apocalypse. The Adventures of Roborex has potential, Let’s hope it’s less Cats and Dogs and more robot kid dog cat overacting evil guy fun time!
Alien Showdown
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Robin Hood Films
Cast – Robert Amstler, Nadia Lanfronconi, John J. Welsh, Gemma Donato
Director – Rene Perez
Writer(s) – Barry Massoni, Rene Perez
An alien scout lands on earth in the year 1854. The creature is searching for water and food. Once it finds what it needs, it will call in an invasion fleet. A lone cowboy must stand against the alien invader or all will be lost.
Tars sez: Looks like this was made with the budget of the pocket change found in the couch, but they did well for having almost no budget. Extremely low budget alien western will certainly be better than Cowboys and Aliens, and the pseudo-Predator alien likes to gun people down. Bonus points for getting a Johnny Cash song for the trailer. What about that injured Grey alien who doesn’t seem to fit into the plot description, is he an injured buddy for the alien, or a good alien? Or something else? I guess we’ll have to wait and see!
American Muscle
AFM Link
NSFW YouTube Trailer Link – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y0ob7dnpVEM
Company – Automatic Entertainment
Cast – Nick Principe, Todd Farmer, Robin Sydney
Director – Ravi Dhar
Writer(s) –
John Falcon did 10 years of hard time. Now, he’s out and gunning for pay-back on the scumbags who put him in. Fully loaded with drugs, sex and shotgun shells, this tale of bloody vengeance roars louder than a ’67 hot rod.
Tars sez: The trailer is an orgy of people getting shot, people getting it on, cars driving, evil ICP members, and some guy paying a hooker to suck on a deformed woman’s nub. It aims for dark and gritty, but runs into a danger zone where it might be too dark and gritty. But if you like your revenge movies with lots of guns, blood, violence, and naked people, American Muscle is tailor-made for you!
Angel of Darkness
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Tera Patrick
Director –
Writer(s) –
Official Site
The Anguish Garden is the world’s most prolific fetish and body art club and its owner, Master Diablo, is throwing a grand ball for his latest art acquisition, an ancient Sumerian statue. The party is just a ruse for the ancient rite that will awaken the soul of Lilith, demon seductress, trapped within. When she awakes, she will bring hell to earth and Diablo aims to be there to pick over the remains.
Tars sez: TomCat Films pumps out a ton of ridiculous flicks (they were one of the most-mentioned companies last year, and will be again this year!), so a Lilith body modification fetish film isn’t out of the ordinary for them. Without a trailer, all we have to go on is the poster that looks like a photoshopped Suicide Girls photo. Tera Patrick exposes their porn star as leading lady theme that will be repeated in later TomCat entries, it will be interesting to see if these films prove profitable by next year (TomCat had a ton of superhero films last year, but almost none this year) or if there is a new type of film. Tera Patrick will command a certain amount of sales based on her name alone, though I don’t expect her to have 9000 piercings on her body (unless done with makeup!) Master Diablo is a worse name to call your kid than Dr. Apocalypse, just what is with parents these days???
Animal Crackers (3D) aka The Nut House
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – SC Films International
Cast – John Leguziamo, Will Forte
Director – Ross Venokur
Writer(s) – Lenore Venokur
Official Site
In the vein of Ocean’s Eleven – No Mission is Impossible! High concept 3D family action adventure film from the talent behind the box office sensation Shrek, Valiant and Space Chimps to name but a few.
After “Nut House Nuts Inc.” harvest the forest for their own commercial gain, recently escaped con-squirrel ‘Frankie’ must perform the heist of the century – breaking into the high-security packaging plant and salvaging all the nuts.
With the aid of his trusty right-hand porcupine ‘Cody’, and an elite team of forest dwellers, ‘Frankie’ must pull-off one last job, to save the forest animals from hunger and maybe get back the girl of his dreams…
From legendary producer John H. Williams of Vanguard Films. John has produced some of the most successful animated films of all time including our favourite ogre Shrek. Dan Krech has over twenty years experience of working in animation in Canada (Veggie Tales, Dinosaur Revolution for Discovery, Fish ‘n Chips) and in 2012 established a new animation studio, “Buffalo Media” with Phyllis Laing and Ken Zorniak.
Tars sez: Someone’s furry art escaped and became a feature film! Seriously, an animal Ocean’s 11 could do some fun things, especially if the various animal skills are used to their fullest potentials to bypass security measures. It’s also a film that speaks against the evils of a huge corporation controlling the entire food supply, which gives people everywhere a great starting point when reviewing the film to go off on random tangents. At least it won’t be Foodfight! I am sure they totally had the idea before The Nut Job…
Apocalypse Kiss
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Acort International
Cast – D.C. Douglas, Carmela Hayslett, Tom Detrik, Tammy Jean, Tom Atkins
Director – Christian Grillo
Writer(s) – Christian Grillo
Official Site
In this futuristic science fiction thriller, government security agent Jerry Hipple has been unsuccessfully tracking the city’s most infamous criminal — The Red Harvest Killer. When two nomadic lovers, Katia and Gladys enter the city the death count rises and are being credited as Red Harvest killings. Obsessive compulsive Adrian, the actual Red Harvest Killer, becomes furious that the sexy serial killing duo are grabbing media attention under his alias. Not only does Adrian attempt to reclaim his rightful reputation but he also decides to cleverly aid his detective counterpart through the case. All the while, killers and victims alike are unaware the world is about to reach an abrupt catastrophic ending.
Tars sez: A hyper neo-noir, Apocalypse Kiss deals with jealous killers, a Dick Tracy detective character, and dangerous women. Two types of killers will go to war for the hearts and minds of the media, while the world building goes haywire and forecasts the end of the world. Not sure just how ignorant the public is, as the ones quoted in the trailer seem well aware everything is about to go dead. Dystopian futures are all the rage these days! It is cool to see Michael Berryman again.
Apokalips X
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Birch Tree Entertainment
Cast – Farid Kamil, Jehan Miskin, Peter Davis
Director – Mamat Khalid
Writer(s) – Mamat Khalid
Official Site
Rival gangs fight for pride and ego in a world destroyed by chemical warfare.
Tars sez: A post-apocalyptic martial arts action film from Malaysia? Sign me the heck up! Apokalips X looks amazeballs, and packed with some awesome fight sequences. I am definitely keeping an eye out for this one!
Army of the Damned
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Screen Media
Cast – Tony Todd, David Chokachi, Michael Berryman
Director – Tom DeNucci
Writer(s) – Tom DeNucci
The filming of a hit reality TV show goes horribly wrong when a group of small town cops respond to a call that brings a whole new meaning to the phrase domestic disturbance.
Tars sez: Yawn for more zombie films, especially zombie films that sound found footage. But Tony Todd and Michael Berryman point to maybe this won’t be as bad as it sounds. Or maybe it will. It is a cinematic mystery, to only be solved by watching the film! If only we could hire a Mystery Team to watch the film for us, consisting of four teens and a talking dog…
Army of Frankensteins
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Empress Road Pictures
Cast – Alan Jones
Director – Ryan Bellgardt
Writer(s) – Ryan Bellgardt
After a failed attempt to propose to his girlfriend, Alan Jones is beaten to within an inch of his life by a street gang and taken to a mysterious lab where Dr. Tanner Finski and his kid genius assistant perform horrible experiments on him hoping to re-animate a Frankenstein.
The experiments lead to a hole being ripped in space and time, manifesting an Army of Frankensteins from hundreds of parallel universes and sending them all back to the 19th century, directly into the heart of a bloody battle between the North and South. History will never be the same.
Tars sez: Let’s point out that this should be Army of Frankenstein’s Monsters! Now that is out of the way… There is a whole stack of Frankenstein films coming out, but only one of them borrows from the classic Star Trek: The Next Generation episode “Parallels“! At least I hope only one of them is doing that… Also not only is there Frankenstein shenanigans going on, but they get dropped in the middle of the US Civil War, which means we could see Frankenstein monsters fighting on both sides, brother against brother. Will history be altered by all these Frankenstein monsters? Probably, but luckily there is a kid with goggles, a young man with an eyepatch, and a steampunk Iron Man to fight the monsters.
Assassins Tale
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Artist View Entertainment
Cast – Michael Beach, Anna Silk, Guy Garner, Gary Poux
Director – Arthur Louis Fuller
Writer(s) – Guy Garner, Arthur Louis Fuller
Johnny Solo, a small time hood with his hands in everything, believes he’s hit the jackpot when he learns the identity of mafia legend Carlo Manfredi’s illegitimate child. Double-crossing everyone he works with, he’s decides to sell his information to a tabloid reporter. But in life, timing is everything, and Johnny Solo’s clock is ticking.
Tars sez: The trailer is pretty slick, though I’m not sure exactly what was going on, but I’m sure it was betrayals and all that jazz. Because there are always betrayals in assassin movies. Also LOL at “Johnny Solo” as a serious character name. I’ll add it to my check out list.
Attila
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Asylum
Cast – Cheick Kongo, Poncho Hodges
Director – Emmanuel Itier
Writer(s) – Anthony C. Ferrante
When American soldiers inadvertently steal Attila the Hun’s secret wishes, the wrath of the barbarian is awakened, and the mummified warrior will stop at nothing to kill the intruders.
Asylum link
Tars sez: Attila the Hun is back and is an orc from Lord of the Rings! Only some elite guys can stop him, and let’s not send anyone else even as the elite squad is picked off bit by bit. This is an Asylum film, and it is shockingly not popping up on SyFy any time soon! Maybe in 2014…
Atlantis, The Last Days of Kaptara
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Arsenal Pictures
Cast – Jonathan Lipow, Clare Fogerty
Director – Patrick Canning
Writer(s) – Peter Bateman
The epic myth of the Minotaur brought to life through computer animation.
Tars sez: I think the trailer says enough about Atlantis, The Last Days of Kaptara. Watch it every hour!
Beast: A Monster Among Men
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Acort International
Cast – TJ Lavin, Blake Farris, Tara Lynn
Director – Mike Lenzini
Writer(s) – Darren Flores
Official Site
Five friends head out for a week getaway to a secluded cabin just outside of the Six Rivers National Forest. When an argument forces the group apart things begin to deteriorate quickly. One by one the campers turn up dead and things are clearly not what they seem. As day breaks only two men remain – Yet what if neither man is responsible for the night’s carnage, but instead the BEAST who calls Six Rivers home… Bigfoot!
Tars sez: Gah, the trailer gives away that everyone dies! Spoilers.. Bigfoot goes on a killing spree, because Bigfoot is a total murder machine. Did you see Harry and the Hendersons? The non-PG version reveals he kills and eats all of the Hendersons, because Bigfoot is evil!
Bigfoot Wars aka Battle for Boggy Creek
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Origin Releasing
Cast – C. Thomas Howell, Judd Nelson, Holt Boggs
Director –
Writer(s) –
Based on the bestselling book series by Eric S. Brown,
this prequel is a terrifying introduction to the classic man versus mythical beast series set in the small town of Boggy Creek. Starring C. Thomas Howell (Red Dawn, E.T.) and Judd Nelson (The Breakfast Club, St. Elmo’s Fire), this horror/thriller version of the classic Bigfoot tale follows a group of teens that are thrust into a nightmare beyond their wildest imaginations when the creatures begin to try and mate with the girls and kill off the guys – and no one believes them, except for Zeke Jesterson (Howell) and Sheriff Jim Taylor (Holt Boggs, Hostage), whose daughter has been kidnapped by the savage beasts. From the horrifying opening scene to the intense conclusion, no one is safe from Bigfoot.
Tars sez: More proof Bigfoot is a murderous jerk! Damn, Bigfoot’s gonna have a stomping good time this year killing and smashing everyone he sees! Now we got former 80s greats fighting the hairy monsters, and there will be blood! If only Bigfoot has an advocate of non-violence to help them sooth their savage side. We need a Surak of Bigfoot, and then Bigfeet can be all logical like Vulcans, which would be totally cool. Heck, I’m all for Bigfoot versions of all sorts of films: war dramas, romantic comedies, Bigfoot Twilight, Bigfoot vs Zombie Bigfoot, Bigfoot winning the big dance competition by serving Yeti. Let’s bring bigfoot to the logical conclusion and saturate the market! Bigfoot War is already talking sequel if this does well, and I’m hoping it if filled with lots of hairy stomping and scares!
Black Ops: Rise of the Predator
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Kaleidoscope Film Distribution
Cast – Kristina Anapau, James C. Burns, Tina Casciani, Eric Roberts, Rich McDonald
Director – Nicolas Aaron Mezzanatto
Writer(s) – Nicolas Aaron Mezzanatto, Joshua Ringle
An elite special ops team get caught in a deadly game of cat and mouse with a mutant predator, in this tense action thriller.
When an elite team of private military operatives receive a lucrative contract for a new mission, they think it will be a simple in-and-out operation. A wealthy and powerful venture capitalist (Eric Roberts) has called in the Blackjacks to retrieve his top scientist from a secret energy research facility. To make matter worse, not only has he lost all contact with the labs, his highly-valued scientist holds the key to an unprecedented alternate fuel source.
Unique to this mission, the team are assigned a female psychic operative, Lisa Westbrook (Kristina Anapau), to help locate the target deep within the maze of the underground complex.
Upon arrival, however, the team is ambushed by a bloodthirsty, extra-dimensional creature, that has brutally mutilated the on-site security and staff. With their advanced tactical training rendered all but useless, the Blackjacks are forced to rely on their psychic guide and utilize a new brand of cognitive warfare if there is any chance of making it out alive.
Tars sez: One common themes on the few creature features films that are coming out is that elite teams are fighting the monsters. Monsters have gotten to the point where no one can defeat them except the best of the best of the best. Or maybe Will Smith. Definitely not Jayden Smith. The addition of a psychic here sort of harkens back to the amazing Dredd from 2012, so I’m not going to be opposed to weird psychic stuff it means we get an awesome film. Still, Black Ops: Rise of the Predator sounds SyFy bound, with a new title. That’s never been a bad thing.
Blitzkrieg
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Red Sea Media
Cast –
Director –
Writer(s) –
Official Site
A group of special-ops soldiers are sent to a Siberian military lab on a secret rescue mission. On arrival they discover the remnants of a classified Russian program to develop super-soldiers.
Tars sez: All we got on Blitzkrieg is concept art of an Abomination from Warcraft III with a bunch of guns all over him. Also more elite special ops teams! Too early to tell, but an eye will be kept to see if the film can match the concept art!
Blood Shed aka American Weapon
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Amin Joseph, Benjamin Mouton
Director – Cliff Vasko
Writer(s) – Cliff Vasko
Blood Shed is the story of six beautiful travelers who head to the mountains for a getaway weekend, only to be terrorized by a homicidal war veteran, who has been programmed to kill without remorse.
Tars sez: I like the multi-ethnic cast and the PTSD angle, but Blood Shed/American Weapon will have a lot to prove itself with in regards to a scary slasher horror flick.
Blood Shed
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Red Sea Media
Cast – Bai Ling, Vida Guerra, Juan Carlos Saizarbitoria
Director – Patrick Hasson
Writer(s) – Patrick Hasson
Based on the true events of a loner who moves into a storage facility inhabited by a community of squatters until they are locked in for the night with a deranged female who hunts them down in search of her lost child.
Tars sez: I thought it was funny there was two films called Blood Shed, of all the double movie names, that two companies would come up with the same pun title was sort of LOL. Is Bai Ling the deranged female? Because she’s normally crazy, though not dangerous crazy. It is interesting that the other Blood Shed has a killer man, and this one has a killer woman. This invites further comparisons, even if the films were totally made independent and unaware of the other. Because I like comparing things like that!
Bombshell Bloodbath
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Robin Hood Films
Cast – Alex Elliott, Ed Ricker, Samantha Mills, Kathy Butler Sandvoss, Jeff Briggs, Hess Barbour
Director – Brett Mullen
Writer(s) – Brett Mullen
A 24 year old stripper, begins to have vivid and unexplainable dreams after she is exposed to an unknown chemical agent. The chemical is an experiment her father is conducting in effort to re-animate his wife, but the drug has unimaginable consequences and his hope of regaining his wife turns into a nightmare of biblical proportions.
The infection spreads through the local strip club. Slowly their brains collapse and the ever expanding hunger for human flesh increases. Bombshell Bloodbath is Italian style zombie splatter film influenced by Lucio Fulci and Umberto Lenzi.
Tars sez: This does look like the films it is a tribute to, with the lighting, film look, and practical effects all reminiscent of the work I’ve seen from Fulci and Lenzi. IF anything, the effects are better than the old school ones, furthering the effect. Like usual, there are lots of headshots in the trailer. Looks great for a horror film, I might just watch it someday.
Born of War
AFM Link
Trailer Link
Company – Arclight Films
Cast – James Frain, Sofia Black-d’elia
Director – Vicky Jewson
Writer(s) – Vicky Jewson, Rupert Whitaker
A brutal home invasion turns teenager MINA’s life upside down. Her parents murdered and the stunning discovery that she isn’t who she thinks she is. Mina’s real father is a ruthless Afghan warlord her mother once had an affair with and now he wants her back. When hiding proves futile, Mina decides there’s only one course of action left. Go after her father and take revenge. But first, she must prepare herself physically, mentally and with enough ammunition to take out an army.
Tars sez: Holy crap, James Frain! Also this looks amazing, any film with a teenager gunning down people with a machine gun I will check out. It looks filled with good action scenes, and even has a mainstream actor I like. This might be the film I’m looking forward to most on this list.
Bullets for the Dead
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Stealth Media Group
Cast – Christopher Sommers, Kathryn Beck
Director(s) – Joshua C. Birch, Michael Du-Shane
Writer(s) –
Official Site
Escorting the fiery young Annie Blake and her gang to the sheriff in Blood Gulch, bountry hunter Dalton discovers the remains of a horrific massacre and rescues its sole survivor, a preacher. Before long the group are fighting for their lives against the zombie horde that walks the desert plains eating all flesh in their path. And as the preacher’s secret unravels, Dalton realizes what he’ll have to do to prevent his wife being resurrected as one of the living dead.
Tars sez: I’ll forgive yet another zombie film because it’s a Western and it has a female gang leader, both things I approve of 100%. Unfortunately, we don’t have much to go off of except the teaser (which I had to track down myself!) and an audition tape or two. But here is hoping!
California Scheming
AFM Link
(redband) YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Double Dutch International
Cast – Devon Werkheiser, Spencer Daniels, Gia Mantegna
Director – Marco Weber
Writer(s) – Marco Weber
A teen seductress pulls three other privileged Malibu kids into her devious scheme, and unforeseen consequences force the group to face their own fears and mortality.
Tars sez: A sexy girl who is dangerous does dangerous stuff and morons who go along with it because she’s sexy pay the price! Also the dad from Pretty Little Liars is in it, because of course he is. Though the trailer is trying too hard, this could make an interesting drama. At the very least, this helps ease the pain of lack of recent Wild Things sequels.
Casper and Emma – Best Friends aka Karsten and Petra blir bestevenner
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Svensk Filmindustri, AB
Cast – Nora Amundsen, Elias Søvold Simonsen, Janne Formoe
Director – Arne Lindtner Næss
Writer(s) – Line Fougner Christensen
Official Site
In the film “Casper and Emma”, we meet Emma who is about to celebrate her fifth birthday. What she wants more than anything is a dog. Only Emma’s mom, who is a vet, says she has to be a little older to look after a dog. But Emma insists that five years is more than old enough!
Casper is dreading his first day at his new kindergarten. But when he gets there, he meets Emma. And just as Casper has his Lion Cub with him, she has also brought along a stuffed animal, Miss Rabbit, who constantly comes alive, and from that day on Casper and Emma become best friends.
Tars sez: I didn’t include this because Casper looks like a boy version of the Olson Twins, but because we all know Casper is doomed to die and become a ghost. I don’t care if this is a totally different IP, we all know that boy is toast, and there is nothing their talking stuffed animals can do to prevent his death and resurrection as a spirit. Poor, poor Casper, no wonder you refuse to move on to the afterlife!
The Chronicles of Young Washington
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Stealth Media Group
Cast –
Director – Daniel E. Catullo
Writer(s) –
It’s 1753, a string of violent deaths of English soldiers rattle the government in Virginia. Needing a speedy resolve they quickly dispatch a young major to the frontier to investigate these crimes, his name: George Washington. Local legend blames the deaths on a beast that roams the forest, but Washington, aided by his friend, Iroquois scout Madiwa, believes his detecting skills will lead to a simpler explanation. As soon as he arrives he’s plunged into a world he was never prepared to face before with interesting characters and sinister players. Dark secrets, freemason workings and supernatural occurrences quickly change Washington’s view of the world, which in his eyes, will never be the same. He is faced with one option: get to the bottom of the mystery or die trying.
Tars sez: The natural evolution of Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter has Washington fighting a monster (and has an Indian sidekick because Brotherhood of the Wolf!) We know that Colonial period becoming cool conspiracy land is fun, and Sleepy Hollow has its own mythology going on. But this is a bit after Abraham Lincoln hunted vampires to disappointing box office results, so the reaction here might be mixed, or it could fit right on the shelf with FDR: American Badass.
Contracted
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Darclight
Cast – Najarra Townsend
Director – Eric England
Writer(s) – Eric England
A young girl has a one-night stand with a random stranger and contracts, what she thinks is, a sexually-transmitted disease – but is actually something much worse.
Tars sez: She contracted…SHAME! Just kidding, it’s like zombie disease or something. This is why you wear a rubber, folks! Will this film be as scary as those anti-STD scare films that were created to convince the troops to not frequent hookers during WW2? Probably not, but it might be creepy enough on its own.
Cooties
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Synchronicity Entertainment
Cast – Elijah Wood, Alison Pill, Rainn Wilson, Jack McBrayer
Director(s) – Cary Munion, Jonathan Milott
Writer(s) – Leigh Whannell, Ian Brennan
When a mysterious virus borne from chicken nuggets hits an isolated elementary school transforming the pre-adolescent children into a feral swarm of mindless cannibals, an unlikely hero must lead a motley band of teachers in the fight of their lives against them. Who is this hero? The Substitute teacher.
Tars sez: Honestly, this film sounds dumb and just something made as a dare to try to make a film where they could kill a bunch of children. But it has a bunch of big names attached, which means I care about it even less, except to learn how much money it does lose.
The Coven
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Stealth Media Group
Cast – Dexter Fletcher, Cloe Mackie, Holly Mackie, Mark Harris
Director – John Mackie
Writer(s) – Jayney Mackie
Five young teenagers hoping to witness Pagan activity camp in the woods on Halloween but discover they are part of the ritual when a mysterious biker hunts them down.
Tars sez: Schoolgirls in the woods get stalked by Devil worshipers, and it’s all very British. At least it isn’t backwoods Alabama or somewhere else full of rednecks like half of the videos I rented as a teen.
Crawl or Die aka Crawl Bitch Crawl
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – VMI Worldwide
Cast – Nicole Alonso, Torey Byrne, Tommy Ball, Will Crown
Director – Oklahoma Ward
Writer(s) – Oklahoma Ward
Official Site
An elite security team assigned the task of protecting the last known woman who can become pregnant, find themselves caught in an endless claustrophobic underground tunnel system. The team soon learns – the real horror is not only the unstoppable force chasing them, but also the ever growing smaller tunnel itself.
Tars sez: Good grief, we got Aliens, but in a some air shaft ducts we bought from Home Depot, a needless Children of Men plot shoved in (thus we can call a woman “the package” for half the film!), and the Vasquez character spends most of the film in her underwear. I could deal with this, but the Crawl Bitch Crawl title is dumb as hell (but not the worst title in this article!) Eh. I’ll probably still watch it.
Cubicle Warriors
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Breakthrough Entertainment Inc.
Cast – Alan Thicke, Laura Vandervoort, Michael Seater
Director – Jeff Stephenson
Writer(s) – Robert Budreau, Adam Bradley
An office comedy about two best friend finance grads who embark on a crazy mission to stop an investment bank from closing a crooked deal involving student loans.
Tars sez: Holy cow, a film where the 99% do stuff against Banksters! Except it’s a comedy and their efforts will probably be as successful as what happens in The Other Guys. But maybe it will help raise awareness, in the select group of movie watchers who will view anything that has two leads that look like they should be starring in the Weird Science tv series. It DOES have Alan Thicke, so that makes it a must-watch!
Dark Space aka Off World
AFM Link
Trailer Link
Company – Halcyon International
Cast – Steve West, Keith Reay
Director – Emmett Callinan
Writer(s) – Emmett Callinan
Official Site
Six friends get more than they bargained for when their shuttle craft crashes on an uncharted planet. Now, the only thing worse than not knowing where you are is if you’ll survive. Fear The Dark.
Tars sez: Aliens vs creepy rapist guys in power armor, and six friends are trapped in the middle. If only Central Perk wasn’t lying in the middle of the irradiated wasteland that was New York City… I admit it looked better than I thought, and the trailer hints to more than the synopsis provides. So who knows?
Dead Sea
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Origin Releasing
Cast – Britt Griffith, Alexis Iacono, James Duval
Director – Brandon Slagle
Writer(s) –
Facebook
THE LOCH NESS MONSTER, OGOPOGO, THE WHITE RIVER MONSTER, LUKWATA – these mythical creatures have captured the imaginations of people the world over…and also tested their fears.
However, all legends have some basis in FACT.
2002 – Afghanistan, American troops KIER THAN and CASTOR POLLUX investigate the disappearance of a squadron of SEALS over a reservoir near the Afghan border. The disappearance is attributed to a “serpent beast” which is said to re-appear every thirty years in various areas of the planet to feed. Though their initial instinct is to brush off the story and investigate further, they have a special connection to this “beast”.
Present Day, Southern California – Castor and Kier – back at home and now involved in various miscreant activities in the region – witness what to many may be an unexplained phenomena – the mass of water that the town which they call home is located on is experiencing the drastic dying off of its marine life. The state is called in and a specialist named Victoria Amissus – herself a native of the
town – is called in to investigate.However, Castor and Kier know what is actually going on – they know that this great serpent has returned to their home, and now must prepare the town for their “offering”.
Tars sez: This is way too complicated a plot, nor does it fit into the 30 year timeline. How many people need to be sacrificed? The trailers says just one, but then like 5 people get eaten and several more shot, that’s a lot of bodies for just one death, heck you could probably hire someone off of Craigslist for a few thousand.
Dead Water
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Intandem Films
Cast –
Director – Ryuhei Kitamura
Writer(s) –
THE END OF THE WORLD, AS WE KNOW IT, CAME TO AN END TWO YEARS AGO…
Led by our heroine a few scientists are sealed inside an Eco Station -a self-sufficient environment deep in the desert.
The survivors in the Station know the deadly truth. They know that when the end finally came, it wasn’t what anyone expected.
It wasn’t a virus that killed the planet. It wasn’t a curse from Hell.
It was the water…
A chemical process, triggered somewhere in the world, got out of control and changed the molecular composition of H2O as we know it.
Suddenly drinking it, bathing in it, even touching water would change a human into…
Something else.
Something unimaginable.
Something deadly…
Tars sez: The real reason why you shouldn’t drink the water in foreign countries! Who wants to guess that the change in water was made by umbrella companies wanting to sell more umbrellas? You just can’t trust companies named Umbrella… Seriously, with Ryuhei Kitamura’s name in the director spot, this film became a must-watch regardless of the crazy premise. Such is the curse of watching all of Kitamura’s stuff!
The Demon’s Rook
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Raven Banner Entertainment
Cast – James Sizemore, Ashleigh Jo Sizemore
Director – James Sizemore
Writer(s) – James Sizemore, Akom Tidwell
Official site
A young boy named Roscoe finds a portal to another world where he is taught magic by an elder demon known as Dimwos. Dimwos raises the boy into manhood, revealing to him many secrets.
Tars sez: I applaud the use of practical makeup effects that makes the demons look like Star Trek aliens, but unfortunately they turn the townspeople into just plain zombies, so things aren’t as cool as I would hope. Still, there is some good buzz on The Demon’s Rook, so perhaps there is something there.
Devil’s Crossing
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Taylor & Dodge
Cast – Michael Sharpe, Patrick Keenan
Director – James Gary
Writer(s) – James Gary
Official Site
DEVIL’S CROSSING tells the tale of a post-Apocalyptic Earth, after Nuclear War has devastated the planet. The remnants of humanity fight to survive, taking refuge in bleak settlements. The undead wander the earth, slaves to their bloodlust, or perhaps some higher power? The tattered town of Celestial sets the stage for the greatest battle of the New Dark Age! A score that must be settled and a reckoning that has been 235 years in the making…
Tars sez: Of course zombies are in a post-apocalyptic Earth after a nuclear war. It just makes sense. Anyway, tough guys are tough and there are zombies and gunshots. I’m not sure what is going on, but there is violence. SO if you like violence, there is some violence here.
Dinosaur Island
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Arclight Films
Cast – Paul Padagas, Darius Williams, Nicole Yardley, Vicent Naviti
Director –
Writer(s) –
A Wizard of Oz type story of prehistoric creatures and ancient magic – a coming of age journey for a modern day 13 year old boy, Lucas, who finds a crystal that creates a distortion in the fabric of time and space and a transports him to a strange island littered with the ghost ships, lost planes and fantastic creatures from throughout history. He soon encounters a girl called Kate who claims to have arrived on the Island from the 1950’s, and her pet Mimos a feathered micro raptor with a talent for mimicry. Together Lucas and Kate struggle to find their way off the island, encountering danger and adventure in the form of all manner of creatures including a primitive tribe of cannibals, a huge albino sabre tooth tiger, a fierce feathered T-Rex and giant carnivorous plants and insects. This is a fantastic big-screen PG-13 motion picture for kids and family with creatures that a modern audience have never seen before.
Tars sez: It’s Mysterious Island, except not quite, but might be cool enough to stand a bit on its own. We won’t know until a trailer shows up, until then all we got is the synopsis and poster. It is being made as a children’s film, which means they might go cheap out and it will e terrible. I hope not, and wish there will be lots of dinosaur and albino sabretooth action!
Dragon Force (The Movie)
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Star Alliance Movies (HK) Co., Ltd.
Cast – Seki Tomokazu (Dubbed Artist), Yuuichi Nakamura (Dubbed Artist), Junichi Suwabe (Dubbed Artist), Jun Fukuyama (Dubbed Artist)
Director – Tommy Wang
Writer(s) –
The year is 2026 A.D. Five brave, wise and excellent special police officers receive a GSB base request. Wearing nanotechnology distortion helmets and armor, they travel to Earth’s most dangerous volcanic island together to investigate an energy vanishing event, where they encounter an unexpected alien attack in the process…
Tars sez: It’s CGI not-Super Sentai! I am pretty sure this is a Chinese series dubbed into Japanese for international release, which is sort of weird. Try to spot the direct swipes from The Matrix in the trailer! Sadly, this just ends up looking like a confusing episode of Beast Machines instead of something interesting. Oh, well.
Dragon Reign
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Trailer Link
Company – Halcyon International
Cast –
Director –
Writer(s) –
Official Site
Tars sez: I very much suggest checking out the trailer on the Official Site link, and watch as not very god CGI dragons attack some cosplayers in the woods! It looks ridonkulous! Unfortunately, there isn’t much info on the plot besides the “dragons return to modern day” think and some characters that don’t look human.
Earthtastrophe
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – CineTel Films
Cast –
Director –
Writer(s) –
First the Moon disappears in a white hot flash of light. No sound, no warning, one minute it’s there and the next it’s gone. a second FLASH – and that is all anyone on Earth can remember! 11 MONTHS LATER— It’s not post-apocalyptic, it IS apocalyptic as the Earth’s “figure 8” revolution between two stars and our now three moons has literally ripped the planet open from the inside out… the horrific explanation is simply incredulous… The Earth has been sucked through a wormhole in our solar system and has been warped to the other end of our universe!
Tars sez: Jeez, Earth, get a grip, why you got so many problems? I do enjoy the crazy scenario, and the Earthtastrophe title is one of the best from the upcoming films. This will be interesting to see them try to explain all the stuff that’s going on, though I guess you could throw it all in with little chunks as we deal with the main plot, following the heroes as they try to keep their families from being crushed by the Earthtastrophe, as well as solving all of Earth’s problems by nuking stuff. Nuking always works!
Empress of the Evil Dead aka Empress Vampire
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Ange Maya, Beau Nelson
Director – Phil Condit
Writer(s) – Ange Maya, Phil Condit
Take a journey into darkness- the darkness of ancient evil, the darkness of human greed, and the darkness of perversion of Empress Vampire.
Tars sez: This was a HILARIOUS trailer! I especially liked how they didn’t hire a voiceover artist and just had text explaining the first half of the story, then 9000 shots of vampires baring their fangs and chomping on each other. There is also a lot of removing of eyeballs, so if you are into that, now you can watch your fun. Then the trailer ends on the most ridiculous thing. You simply must watch it. I shall be keeping a good lookout for Empress of the Dead!
Enemy Empire
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Elizabeth Meurer, Tristan James Butler
Director – Michael Ryan Hahan
Writer(s) – Michael Ryan Hahan
Official Site
Sol, a bold fugitive lost in a dangerous post-apocalyptic desert world, searches for a missing woman named Catherine and her illusive captor, the Nomad King. With enemies at every turn, Sol’s only chance of finding Catherine is with the help of a rogue and mysterious wanderer, Cleo.
Tars sez: Let’s be honest: This is by far the most competent looking TomCat Films production I’ve seen! It has good lighting, good cinematography, isn’t spoiled with terrible effects, fighting choreography, and a majority of the actors are actually acting. I could see this film getting television deals in the US. ANd yet, they couldn’t get Michael Ryan Hahn’s name right in the catalog listing! Michael Ryan Hahn is already filming his second film, Alien Theory, and I’m more excited to see how he makes that one look good than probably half the films on this list.
Evil Feed
AFM Link
NSFW YouTube Trailer Link – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1hhxu_CCUw
Company – WTFilms
Cast – Laci J Mailey, Terry Chen, Alain Chanoine, Alyson Bath
Director – Kimani Ray Smith
Writer(s) – Aaron Au
Official Site
Steven spent his entire life being the good son, dedicated all his time to the family business, The Long Pig Restaurant, known in the underground world for cannibalistic cuisine. When Steven hears that his father would rather sell the business to a stranger than pass it down to his own son, Steven has no choice but to chop off his head. With his father’s head safely displayed in a cabinet, Steven and his nymphomaniac girlfriend have big plans for The Long Pig. They caputre elite MMA fighters and force them to battle in the restaurant’s new “Pit of Gore” where blood thirsty customers get to watch their meals being tenderized. Steven calls this, “Tendertainment!”
Meanwhile, Jenna returns to her father’s karate dojo and discovers him missing. Calling on the help of his students, they set out to find their Sensei, kicking ass and taking names. Their quest takes a turn for the worst when Jenna is kidnapped by the Triads. She awakes in a holding cell at The Long Pig Restaurant only to discover what Steven serves for dinner… her father.
Continuing the hunt for their Sensei, the trail leads the boys to The Long Pig, where they grusomely witness their Master being chopped up and marinated for the evening’s meal. Under pressure to save Jenna, our heroes get captured and are forced to fight for their lives in the Pit of Gore. One by one, Jenna watches her friends being slaughtered by sadistic gladiators. After witnessing her boyfriend being skinned alive, Jenna seizes an opportunity to escape. In order to survive, she must fight her way out of the restaurant or become the next main course.
In the vein of Grind House cinema, EVIL FEED is an over the top, laugh out loud, action gore flick that’s guaranteed to make you cringe.
Tars sez: Director Kimani Ray Smith is a stunt man, and stunts are on full display here with all the action sequences. But there is also tons of gore and Terry Chen channeling Ruby Rhod from Fifth Element. But it looks insane and hilarious and gross, so I am totally keen on checking it out!
Extreme Fighters 3D – To The Limits
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – KSM GmbH
Cast –
Director – Attila Tenki
Writer(s) – Attila Tenki
Tars sez: The fuck???
Favela aka Codename: Falcon
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Moonstone Entertainment
Cast – Michael Jai White, Neal McDonough, Laila Ali
Director – Ernie Barbarash
Writer(s) – Y.T. Parazi
FAVELA is the first installment in an action franchise, entitled CODENAME: FALCON. The franchise will center around former Marine John “Falcon” Chapman, a dark anti-hero driven by guilt and suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder, who will destroy himself unless given something else to destroy – a useful weapon-of-last-resort for the U.S. State Department.
Tars sez: Michael Jai White is a guy who beats the crap out of people, when he’s not beating himself up. Yet another film with a guy with PTSD, interesting how this has become a common feature in cinema now, though it is being used in all sorts of ways. Falcon seems like a deeply brooding Michael Weston, but will there be a Sam Axe and a Fiona to help him on his way?
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Fishing Naked
Cast – Bronson Pelletier, Elyse Levesque, Tinsel Korey, Evan Williams, Elaine Miles, Steve Reevis
Director – Peter Coggan
Writer(s) – Peter Coggan, Paul Lee
Official Site
A comedy for the post-Twilight generation, Fishing Naked is a modern legend of pranks, romantic entanglements, and outrageous comedy. When a series of Bigfoot hoaxes get out of hand, hormones and hilarity ensue. Two fly fisherman buddies, David and Rodney (Twilight’s Bronson Pelletier and TV pinup Evan Williams), simply want to drive tourists away from their idyllic fly fishing river paradise. But they stumble upon two gorgeous trust-fund chicks (Elyse Levesque from Stargate Universe and Twilight’s Tinsel Korey), and the foursome takes the gags to the next level. From Sasquatch suits and YouTube pranks to a giant fake spaceship, their hoaxes start to backfire: attracting attention rather than scaring off tourists. As TV crews, the FBI, and even an extraterrestrial visitor descend upon their pristine mountain community, these four pranksters are quick to respond … they get baked and go fishing. Flirtatious sparks ignite even as the mayhem explodes around them.
Tars sez: Really enjoying how they’re pointing out they got two separate Twilight stars. It’s goofy guys impressing rich girls with bigfoot pranks and aliens. That’s cool, but I sort of want a film where people are fishing naked. Is that too much to ask?
Fist 2 Fist: 2 – Weapon Of Choice
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Fairway Film Alliance
Cast – Jino Kang, Douglas Olssen, Katherine Celio
Director – Jino Kang, Tony Urgo
Writer(s) – Jino Kang, Tony Urgo
Official Site
A man so silent and deadly that they call him ‘The Ghost’ must kill one last time to save his beautiful niece from his old crime boss.
Tars sez: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist 2 Fist: 2: Fist
The Frankenstein Theory
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Raven Banner Entertainment
Cast – Kris Lemche, Joe Egender
Director – Andrew Weiner
Writer(s) – Vlady Pildysh, Andrew Weiner
From the makers of The Last Exorcism comes a boldly original vision of horror. What if the most chilling novel of all time was actually based on a true account of a horrific experiment gone awry? When he is suspended from his university job for his outlandish ideas, Professor John Venkenheim leads a documentary film crew to the rim of the Arctic Circle in a desperate effort to vindicate his academic reputation. His theory: Mary Shelley’s ghastly story, “Frankenstein,” is, in fact, a work of non-fiction disguised as fantasy. In the vast, frozen wilderness, Venkenheim and his team search for the legendary monster, a creature mired in mystery and drenched in blood. What they find is an unspeakable truth more terrifying than any fiction…a nightmare from which there is no waking.
Tars sez: Blair Witch, but it’s Frankenstein! Excuse me, Frankenstein’s Monster. Adam. Huh. Okay. I guess I’ll wait for Book of Shadows: Frankenstein Theory 2.
Game of Assassins aka The Gauntlet
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Epic Pictures Group
Cast – Bai Ling, Warren Kole, Dustin Nguyen, Jamie Ray Newman
Director – Matt Eskandari
Writer(s) – Adam Lawson
Facebook
In a sunken castle underneath the earth, five strangers wake. They have no food. No memory. No water. And no way out. They must band together for the sinister adventure that awaits them.
Tars sez: Saw except in a castle! Okay, this needs a bit more information, because, huh? What is chasing them, assassins? Or a monster? Or each other?
God Of Thunder
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Halcyon International
Cast –
Director –
Writer(s) –
Official Site
Tars sez: “Based on the FOX COMICS SUPER HERO” – sure, sure. That Thor is public domain, wore no shirt and a big diaper. He certainly wasn’t a near identical copy of Marvel’s Thor. Nope! But I do want a Diaper Thor movie, because that would be awesome!
Gods of Egypt
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Lionsgate
Cast – Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Brenton Thwaites, Gerard Butler, Geoffrey Rush
Director – Alex Proyas
Writer(s) – Burk Sharpless, Matt Sazama, Alex Proyas
Epic battles rage in a mythical ancient Egypt as a defiant mortal joins a vengeful god in order to rescue his love and win the fight against an evil usurper who would plunge the world into chaos and darkness.
Tars sez: This photo is not from the film, which won’t see the light of day until 2015. So all I can do is imagine that Gods of Egypt will be cool and not a terrible disappointment. This could honestly go either way, and I hope they go the fun adventure way, and not the boring dark and gritty way.
Grand Auto Theft L.A.
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast –
Director –
Writer(s) –
Official Site
Sex, drugs and violence rule the district of ‘Calles Del Infierno.’ The police have been driven out and two rival gangs are now in the final days of a bloody war for supremacy. Thankfully for the innocent there is one cop who hasn’t given up on them. He has a plan to take back to district: TOTAL ANNIHILATION. He’s sending in one man. He isn’t a cop, he isn’t even a good guy, he’s a deadly vigilante. Never send a cop in to do the job of a cold blooded killer. The winner kills all on the streets of Calles Del Infierno.
Tars sez: That’s odd, the trailer has a completely different story, involving a cool black girl in short shorts and her crew that steal cars and now run the underworld. Also it uses some stock music that I associate with YouTube Beauty Gurus that my wife watches, which made the whole trailer even more hilarious. I want to watch this film now!!
HairBrained
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Premiere Entertainment Group
Cast – Brendan Fraser, Alex Wolff, Julia Garner, Parker Posey
Director – Billy Kent
Writer(s) – Billy Kent
When 14-year old genius/outcast Eli Pettifog (Alex Wolff) is rejected from Harvard, he ends up at Ivy League wannabe Whitman College. It’s hate at first sight. At Whitman, Eli meets 41- year-old freshman Leo Searly (Brendan Fraser). Leo, a gambler whose world has imploded, has dropped out of life to enroll in college. This odd duo becomes unlikely friends.
Tars sez: What if Yahoo Serious was a kid and in a movie directed by Wes Anderson, and then Brendan Fraser showed up and suddenly it was a different movie, yet still doesn’t look as bad as you think it would look? It would be crazy, and yet here we are…
The Happets in the Rainbow Forest aka La tropa del trapo en la selva del arcoiris
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Latido Films
Cast –
Director – Alex Colls
Writer(s) – Lola Beccaria
The Happets feel the need to help other animals who are having a lot of trouble surviving, so they decide to go on a mission of solidarity that will take them to Rainbow Forest. There they will find a whole biodiversity in the form of Colourettes and Shadows and a dying Rainbow struggling for breath. The Happets are horrified because not only are the Colourettes in danger of death, so is the Rainbow, which is a symbol for them. Once again they’ll have to muster all their ingenuity, knowledge and team work to save the symbol of dreams and games.
Tars sez: A bunch of stuffed animals called Happets help some living Skittles taste the rainbow. Also there are grey Skittles, that we’ve learned from Futurama are Neutral and untrustworthy.
Hatchet County
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Robin Hood Films
Cast – R. Keith Harris, Paul Shaw, Jess Barbour, Matthew B. Moore, Christy Johnson
Director – Adam Hulin
Writer(s) – Matthew B. Moore
In 1869 a small group of men battle a demonic evil unleashed in Hatchet
County, Virginia. Believing themselves victorious, the posse disbands
two members stay to watch over the area and all is quiet for the next
four years. In 1873, hell literally breaks loose in Hatchet County. This
time all of its citizens, along with their two protectors, are forced
to fight against seven powerful demons, each representing one of the
seven deadly sins.
Tars sez: The trailer has a real Dear Mr. Henshaw vibe going for it, except I don’t think Mr. Henshaw was keen on flaming whips. But maybe he was, Mr. Henshaw was sort of a freak. Demons, low budgets, and a film that has a million things going on makes it worth paying attention to, just to see if it works or fails spectacularly.
The Hatching
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Stealth Media Group
Cast – Andrew Lee Potts, Sylvia Syms, Jack McMullen, Laura Aikman, Thomas Turgoose, Muzz Khan
Director – Michael Anderson
Writer(s) –
Tim Webber, a teenager at boarding school and his friends Baggy and Nick take a dare to steal crocodule eggs from a nearby zoo, but the prank ends in tragedy with Nick being killed and Tim taking the fall. Years later, after his father’s death, Tim returns home to Somerset, but there is a sinister undercirrent to the idyllic villafe the seems to harbour a dark secret. People are disappearing, and it all seems to be centred around the old quarry. The time has come for both Baggy and Tim to pay for their actions of years ago. Those crocodile eggs that came home with Tim hatched!
Tars sez: What a waaay too complicated plot for a killer crocodile movie. Just make Baggy and Tim meth heads who tried to make some new super meth, but it didn’t work, and then a crocodile ate it and became a deranged mutant killer. Luckily Bigfoot is also there… But, no, instead we got this thing.
House of Darkness
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Mannequin Films
Cast –
Director –
Writer(s) –
The Hutton’s are a good American family who enjoy the American way of life. Mike Hutton is a renowned professor of anthropology who is offered a once in a lifetime business deal by a wealthy, influential property mogul. Mike’s task is easy. He must travel to South Africa inspect a piece of land in the northern province of Limpopo and empirically disprove the existence of a curse that is said to plague the area – in order for construction of the exclusive housing estate to move ahead. For a practical man like Mike, where superstition and curses don’t exist, this will be an easy task. Mike convinces his wife Trish and hormonal teenage daughter, Stephanie, who wants nothing to do with Africa, to join him on his trip. The house is a large Victorian-built monstrosity, which doesn’t sit well with Stephanie and for good reason. The locals warn Mike that the house is the hunting ground of a Tokoloshe – a cursed, demonic being said to corrupt all that is pure and innocent in the world. And nothing is as innocent as the soul of their teenage daughter…. Mike however believes that after spending a little time in the house, they’ll all learn to love it. How wrong can a man be? Stephanie is targeted and stalked by the malevolent creature that entices her to do terrible things. Soon, the family is besieged by a torrent of dark and terrifying phenomena — insects, apparitions, voices and murder infest the Hutton family, bringing out family secrets and ripping open old wounds. Stephanie starts to slip away as her nature turns violent, and sinister, slowly succumbing to the dark possession of the Tokoloshe… With the prospect of losing his family forever, Mike must open his mind and heal the wounds of the past, or face losing them in a haunted house with a very unique African flavor.
Tars sez: Haunted house with a twist to make the ghost different? Sure, why not? Unfortunately, all we have is poster art, but I am hoping!
The House of Magic
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – STUDIOCANAL
Cast –
Director(s) – Ben Stassen, Jeremie Degruson
Writer(s) – James Flynn, Ben Stassen, Domonic Paris
In the brand new 3D animated adventure from nWave Studios, abandoned young cat Thunder and his new gizmo friends will use every trick in the book to save their mysterious mansion from being sold. Seeking shelter from a storm, abandoned young cat Thunder sneaks into a mysterious mansion owned by retired magician Lawrence, aka “The Illustrious Lorenzo”. Lawrence shares his fairy-tale world with many animals and a dazzling array of automatons and gizmos capable of whipping up breakfast while rolling out a spectacular song-and-dance routine. He soon makes Thunder feel welcome, but Jack the rabbit and Maggie the mouse start plotting to get him kicked out. When Lawrence ends up in the hospital, his nephew tries to trick him into selling the house. But its ragtag inhabitants develop a spooky strategy to defend their home. They turn their house into a haunted mansion, using Thunder as their secret weapon…
Tars sez: Sounds like this could be a fun film, animals and magic and robot things and a Home Alone situation with talking animals. This time they’re cartoons, so the talking animal Home Alone seems less ridiculous. A bit. I am excited to see more information on The House of Magic!
Hunted: Battle of the Drones
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Highland Film Group
Cast –
Director – Mitchell Gould
Writer(s) –
Official Site
EXPENDABLES meets THE A-TEAM in a full-throttle action film, where a group of high skilled mercenaries find themselves betrayed by the US government and forced to fight their way out when ambushed by a new, lethal Himanioid Soldier Drone.
Tars sez: It’s the X-Teamables! Oh, wait, it’s just another special forces group vs. a monster, except this time the monster is a drone. Could their be some cool commentary about the state of drone warfare in the world today? And also some sweet kills and tense fears? I guess we’ll have to find out.
iBoy
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Metro International Entertainment
Cast – Will Poulter
Director – Adam Randall
Writer(s) – Joe Barton
iBOY is a superhero thriller for the digital generation. Tom’s average teenage existence is turned on its head when a violent encounter with local thugs leaves fragments of shattered smartphone embedded in his brain.
Tars sez: Based on a book by Kevin Brooks
Injun
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Amanda Elizabeth Sawyer, Robert Herrick
Director – Bob Cook
Writer(s) – Bob Cook
Official Site
INJUN is the story of a young white woman named Ana Sharp Claws who is happily married to an Indian Chief’s son. All is peaceful until a pack of cut-throat ex-cons fresh from prison disrupt their happy home. Her friends, husband and son are all murdered and she is raped and humiliated. After being rescued by a former Indian Fighter named Barfly, she vows revenge to kill these evil men. Ana’s plan is to pick them off one at a time and provide slow and painful deaths. The characters are memorable, the effects gruesome and the story will keep you riveted.
Tars sez: More rape and revenge, except this time it’s American Indian themed. A bunch of Confederate douchebags don’t like this racemixing and cause trouble, but their mistake was letting her live. Looks good enough to satisfy fans of the revenge films, and the Indian dressing is unique as far as I can tell.
Invasion Day
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Trailer Link
Company – Spotlight Pictures
Cast – Scoot McNairy, Ethan Flower
Director – Jeffrey Travis
Writer(s) – Matt Patterson
Official Site
No foreign army has ever invaded the USA until now.
DUKE EVANS is a gifted microchip engineer who previously worked for the National Security Agency under cyber-security analyst PHIL. When Duke loses his job and his home, he convinces his estranged wife LESLIE to take a retreat in a remote mountain town. Unbeknownst to them, the day they arrive at their remote cabin is the same day China launches an attack— a modern cyber-Pearl-Harbor— against the United States for failing to pay its debt. Every single computer chip “Made in China” unleashes a secret dormant virus that shuts down financial, telecom, military and power systems. As planes fall out of the sky, cities go dark, and it becomes impossible to buy food or water, the country becomes an occupation zone with ominous warnings of “The People’s Republic Welcomes Your Allegiance”. The local law enforcement issues mandatory red tracking wristbands that cannot be removed once locked on. Duke makes a plan to get his family to a secret government bunker but is thwarted by the local sheriff and armed looters who kill Duke’s neighbor for a few cans of food. With no water to drink, and the world of technology he’s known gone forever, Duke’s only hope for survival may be in the unlikely friendship with a Mexican illegal immigrant who may be able to smuggle them into Mexico to escape. Before leaving the country, Duke has one more trick up his sleeve—he is able to infect the government’s computer code with a malicious virus. But, will it work in time to save the United States from a complete takeover?
Tars sez: Someone went and made a teabagger wet dream film where China comes in to repossess the US (because of DEBT!) and goes all Mark of the Beast with tracking bracelets, and the government is all 100% complicit. Please note the complete lack of Chinese actors in the trailer. Because of DEBT! Or maybe they all thought the film was too xenophobic to even bother with. Just don’t trust anything made in China!
Isis Rising: Curse of the Lady Mummy
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – Priya Rai
Director – Lisa Palenica
Writer(s) – Lisa Palenica
Official Site
In ancient Egypt, Isis and Osiris ruled the land. All were happy for the couple except one, Set, a jealous man who killed Osiris in order to take over his kingdom. Isis snuck into Osiris’ tomb and tried to raise him from the dead using her black magic. Set caught Isis in the act and had Osiris cut to pieces, with each piece buried in a different part of the land, so Isis could never again raise her husband. Isis vowed to avenge Osiris’ death and return with him to rule over all the worlds.
Now, six college students Kyle, Dustin, Felicia, Jay, Serena and Amy take their last course in archeology in anticipation for graduation. Their last assignment is to uncover and document the museum’s new acquisitions with their teacher, Professor Shields and world-renowned Egyptologist Dr. Nasir. During the night they haphazardly awaken the ancient spirit of Isis’ lost soul and her wrath is unleashed on the group. As students start to disappear one by one, they must band together to stop Isis from rising her dead lover Osiris and his evil army of the dead, and exacting their revenge upon the world.
Tars sez: Softcore sensual horror films have a weird fascination with mummies and Egyptian culture, and so we get yet another entry. Part of why I think they’re attracted to the time period (besides the low cost costumes) is that they are visually interesting and exotic, without being creepy exotic. Priya Rai will guarantee sales in certain markets, and this looks close enough to some of the late night cabel trash I love that I shall keep an eye out for it as well!
John Doe: Vigilante
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Little Film Company
Cast – Jamie Bamber
Director – Kelly Dolen
Writer(s) – Kelly Dolen
Convinced the justice system needs to change, One man stands up to protect society from violent crime. How does he do it? By killing people…lots of people.
Tars sez: Apollo kills lots of people, because murdering people is easier than fixing societies inequalities and ills from the ground up! But it does have creepy masks…
K-9 Adventures Legend of the Lost Gold
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Highland Film Group
Cast – Luke Perry, Ariana Bagley
Director – Stephen Shimek
Writer(s) –
Kassie Stevenson, her friends and her faithful dog Scoot are saved from summer vacation boredom when they are given a mysterious pocket watch that holds the secret to uncovering the legendary Garrison’s Gold. With two crooks hot on their trails, it’s up to Kassie and the gang to solve the puzzle of the lost treasure first. While Scoot helps Kassie and her friends search for the gold, Scoot and Paul Stevenson, Kassie’s dad (Luke Perry), also unexpectedly stumble across another treasure – love. Buckle up for the most exciting adventure of the summer!
Tars sez: This is actually K-9 Adventures II: Legend of the Lost Gold , the sequel to K-9 Adventures: A Christmas Tale, which as far as I can tell, are not related to the K-9 franchise with Jim Belushi. Which is a shame, I want the K-9 dog to be totally having Christmas and treasure hunting adventures with Luke Perry, because who else are you going to have treasure hunting adventures with, Tori Spelling? She’s broke! Tars says check this out!
Kick Ass Girls
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Company – Star Alliance Movies (HK) Co., Ltd.
Cast – Chrissie Chau Sau-Na, Hidy Yu Xiao-Tong, DaDa Lo Chung-Chi, Chiu Tien-You, Chris Tung Bing-Yuk, Vincci Cheuk
Director – Vincci Cheuk
Writer(s) – Vincci Cheuk
Bao co-founds a boxing gym with her intimate friend TT. But their friendship is broken over a boyfriend. Bao invites Miu to be the real precedent of “Girl Boxing Company”. They intend to attract male customers with their beauty. TT with grudge comes back and makes trouble. Meanwhile, the mystery Lady Zhuge is looking for female bodyguards for her business trip in Malaysia. Three girls decide to protect her for the generous rewards. Beyond their expectations, they are sold by human traffickers and forced to participate in the underground boxing games held by a local gang…
Tars sez: It’s like they made a movie just for me! And this got released in China right when the AFM ended, so it should be showing up in Chinatown DVD stores very soon! Oddly enough, it is not the only lots of girls fighting movie China put out in the last part of 2013, it is almost a miniboom.
Kill ‘Em All, John!
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Company – Bleiberg Entertainment
Cast – Steve Austin
Director – Jesse V. Johnson
Writer(s) – Umair Aleem
Retired assassin John “The Eagle” Maxwell (Steve Austin) wakes to find himself inside a freight truck being held hostage with his daughter. His captors give him an ultimatum: kill 5 specific mob bosses in the next 5 hours, or his daughter is dead. He’s shoved out of the truck and what follows is a breakneck chase around the city to take out his targets and save his daughter’s life, all while trying to uncover the identity of the psychopath that’s behind it all. Filled with thrilling set-pieces and non-stop action, “Kill ‘Em All, John!” will have your heart pounding with excitement.
Tars sez: More titles need to be words of support for the protagonist, have you seen what some of them have to go through? They need all the encouragement they can get! It’s Commando meets Die Hard 3, and sounds fantastic, or at least ridiculous enough to become a camp classic.
Kingdom Come
AFM Link
NSFW YouTube Trailer Link – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=96oUiJh8GVY
Company – Imagination Worldwide, LLC
Cast – Katie Uhlmann, Ryan Bartlett, Camille Hollett-French
Director – Greg Sager
Writer(s) – Greg Sager
Tars sez: This looks like Saw meets The Mist, with a creepy creature thing haunting the random people who awaken in the abandoned cabin in the middle of nowhere. These mysterious strangers waking up and having to work together plots are getting very common, several appear above this film, and more will appear below. If you think the scenario is getting used a bit too much, then maybe it is!
Knight Of The Dead
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Automatic Entertainment
Cast – Lee BENNETT, Dylan JONES, Feth GREENWOOD, Jason BEESTON, Alan CALTON
Director – Mark ATKINS
Writer(s) – Mark ATKINS
Hunted by assassins, a band of crusading knights escort the holy grail through a forbidden valley of black death. What they discover is far more terrifying than the plague. Overrun by hordes of flesh eating zombies, their only chance for survival is to hack and slash their way to freedom.
Tars sez: It’s zombies again, except this time they are attacking knights guarding the Holy Grail in a land cursed by a color filter that’s removed 85% of the color! Can our heroes do something with the Holy Grail and kill a bunch of zombies and probably not run into a killer bunny rabbit? Sure, why not?! It does feature lots of zombies being hacked up by swords and axes while the heroes leap in slow motion, and I know people are into that.
Land of Giants
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Eyewell AB
Cast –
Director – Krystof Zlatnik
Writer(s) – Jan Cronauer
Facebook
Land of Giants tells us the story of the outsider Crutch who wanders through the desolate wastelands that remain of the once thriving human civilization after the giants came and destroyed everything.
The giants are mysterious colossal creatures and are attracted by any type of electricity consuming technology, and they attack anyone standing in their way. Living in constant fear of this destructive threat, the few survivors have retreated to scattered villages where they are forced to live a life without technology and praise the giants as omniscient gods.
Crutch, who lost his mother during an attack of a giant when he was still a child, does not want to accept this life. He has decided to fight these colossal giants in order to finally solve the mystery of their origin and to free humanity from their oppression once and for all.
Tars sez: I guess this is one way to get an unofficial Shadow of the Colossus film…
The Last Scout
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Epic Pictures Group
Cast – Blaine Gray, Peter Woodward, Simon Phillips, Rebecca Ferdinando, Rita Ramnani
Director – Paul Tanter
Writer(s) – Paul Tanter
Seven years after Earth is destroyed by war, the survival of mankind depends on the crew of one ship. Humanity’s remaining survivors send a fleet of ships to different points in the galaxy in the hope of finding a new world. After seven years of travel and long since out of communication range, the crew of The Pegasus is nearing their destination when they encounter a derelict ship. As tensions on board rise, they soon realize that they are not alone and must fight for their survival… and the survival of mankind.
Tars sez: Damn, it’s not The Last Boy Scout! That movie rules, screw the haters! Sounds like humanity’s ships are all destroyed except for this last one, can they get to home without being stuck in a copy of the movie Aliens? Find out in The Last Scout!
Legacy of the Tengu
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Spartan Bay
Cast – James Lew, Louis Mandylor, Nao Minami
Director – Mark Steven Grove
Writer(s) – Mark Steven Grove
Official Site
An evil 15th century Samurai Warrior rises from beyond the grave to possess a metropolitan police officer and recover powerful artifacts that will open a gateway between our realm and that of dark destructive forces that will unleash hell on Earth.
Tars sez: Looks more interesting than it sounds, action film with an Asian lead and battling demons who look like refugees from an X-Men movie.
Legendary aka Legendary: Tomb of the Dragon
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Company – GFM Films
Cast – Scott Adkins, Dolph Lundgren, Yi Huang
Director – Eric Styles
Writer(s) – Andy Briggs
Travis, our heroic cryptozoologist, wants to prove that a prehistoric beast killing construction workers is more than just a myth. But at the same time, his ruthless competitor, Harker, wants to prove he is the best in the business and outdo Travis in any way he can. Travis finds himself in a race against time to preserve the rare but deadly creature because Harker thrives on trophy killings and shoots to kill…including humans if they come between him and his prey. Travis is funded by a mysterious wealthy benefactor and finds himself escorted by their slightly overwhelmed lawyer. The rest of his team consists of two friends, seasoned field workers Katie and Brandon, and Jianyu a boy who first gave him video proof of the dragon. Jianyu has his own mission, to prove that the oil company is covering up the truth about the beast killing his father on their site a site which is invading the creature’s time honoured home. Construction has woken the dragon from his tomb, a danger which they cannot fully understand. As the death toll mounts, can Travis’ team outwit the company, battle against Harker and escape the jaws of death whilst saving the species from brutal extinction?
Tars sez: Am very excited about this one, evil Dolph Lundgren and a dragon! Also Scott Adkins, and Yi Huang, one of my favorite Chinese actresses. Though I’m not convinced this will get an actual theatrical release, but who knows.
Legends of Oz: Dorothy’s Return
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Hyde Park International
Cast – Lea Michele, Jim Belushi, Kelsey Grammer, Martin Short, Dan Aykroyd, Megan Hilty, Hugh Dancy, Bernadette Peters, Oliver Platt, Patrick Stewart
Director(s) – Will Finn, Dan St. Pierre
Writer(s) – Adam Balsam, Randi Barnes, Barry Glasser, Roger Stanton Baum
Inspired by L. Frank Baum’s Wonderful Wizard of Oz and based on a series of books by his great-grandson Roger Stanton Baum, LEGENDS OF OZ: DOROTHY’S RETURN is the latest chapter in the Oz legacy. Dorothy returns to Kansas to find it devastated by the tornado that had whisked her away to Oz. But shortly after arriving in Kansas, Dorothy is magically transported back to Oz. Oz is in trouble, and the Scarecrow, Tin Man and the formerly Cowardly Lion have disappeared. On her way to the Emerald City, she encounters a number of new companions who must band together against a new villain – an evil Jester seeking revenge for the death of his sister – the Wicked Witch of the West.
Tars sez: One of the bajillion Oz movies in development, this one jettisons all of the sequel books and instead has the Joker attack Oz…excuse me, the Jester, not the Joker. Because that would be stupid. Dorothy looks suspiciously like the MGM Judy Garland Dorothy, and they have a bunch of famous people as voice actors. Hm…
Lisa Limone & Maroc Orange aka Lisa Limone ja Maroc Orange
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – The Yellow Affair
Cast –
Director – Mait Laas
Writer(s) – Kati Kouvacs, Peep Pedmanson
Official Site
The story of impossible love between orange boy Maroc, a singing boat refugee, and lemon girl Lisa, who collects singing seashells and dreams about love. Maroc is the brave hero-type, bound by prejudice and poverty. Lisa is the daughter of a rich businessman and tomato ketchup plantation owner. This is the fruitier version of Romeo and Juliet – a 3D animated operatic extravaganza!
Tars sez: WOW! This looks awesome, an amazing looking film with animated fruit people that deals with immigration, refugees, mistreatment of migrant workers, dreams, and love. And to think the closest US comparison is The Annoying Orange. That’s sort of depressing. We should murder The Annoying Orange! If you watch the trailer for Lisa Limone & Maroc Orange and don’t want to see the film, I’m not sure you enjoy cinema.
The Little Ghost aka Das Kleine Gespenst
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – ARRI Worldsales
Cast – Jonas Holdenrieder, Emily Kusche, Nico Hartung, Herbert Knaup, Bettina Stucky, Uwe Ochsenknecht
Director – Alain Gsponer
Writer(s) – Martin Ritzenhoff
The Little Ghost lives in the castle of Eulenstein. It awakens for precisely one hour after the clock strikes midnight. Despite the warnings of a friend, Mr. Tu-Whit Tu-Whoo, the ghost would like to see the world by daylight once.
Meanwhile, Karl, Hannes and Marie go on a nightly excursion to the castle, where they have their first encounter with the ghost.
The following day, the ghost wakes up at twelve o’clock – noontime. Its joy about this soon passes, as – discolored black by the first sunray – it scares the town’s inhabitants and causes a commotion. Chased by the police, the ghost asks the children for help.The film is based on an international best-selling children’s book by Otfried Preußler, which was translated into more than 31 languages worldwide
Tars sez: If you enjoy your friendly ghosts with a creepy German flavor, then here is The Little Ghost! Let’s ignore that the ghost sees getting turned black as a punishment…no, wait, let’s not ignore that, because that is rather strange and will probably prevent this from ever hitting America.
Lumberjack Man
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Company – Madisonian Films
Cast – Michael Madsen, Brina Palencia, Andy San Dimas, Adam Sessler
Director – Josh Bear
Writer(s) – Ed Kuehnel, Matt Entin
Official Site
As the staff of Good Friends Church Camp prepares for a spring break filled with “Fun Under the Son”, a demon logger rises from his sap boiler to wreak his vengeance and feast on flapjacks soaked in the blood of his victims.
Tars sez: Could this be the most Canadian film of all time, excluding Strange Brew? All they need is Lumberjack Man to have a mutant beaver sidekick!
Martial Science aka Bloody Sport
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Highland Film Group
Cast – Alejandro Salomon, Grainger Hines, Jim Ounniyom, John Henry Whitaker, Ricky Titus, Trent Garrett
Director(s) – Alejandro Salomon, Frederick Cipoletti
Writer(s) – Alejandro Salomon, Frederick Cipoletti
A young French martial arts expert who was born and raised in America to Mexican parents has to go to a “very illegal and underground tournament” in China that everyone knows about, in order to avenge the honor of his not dead master.
Tars sez: A Bloodsport spoof??? Was not expecting that! But here it is. It might even be funny enough to be worth a rental! Lord knows there are plenty of worse films on this very page…
Minuscule, Valley of the Lost Ants aka Minusculen la Valley des Fourmies Perdues
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Futurikon
Cast –
Director – Thomas Szabo, Hélène Giraud
Writer(s) – Thomas Szabo, Hélène Giraud
In a peaceful little clearing, the remains of a picnic hastily abandoned spark warfare between two tribes of ants. A bold young ladybug finds himself caught in the middle of the battle. He bedfriends one of the black ants, Mandible, and helps him save the anthill from the assault of the terrible red ant warriors, let by the fearful Butor. A fantastic journey at ground level….
Tars sez: Looks like someone missed the whole Antz/A Bug’s Life wars and is trying to storm the battlefield when no one is looking! What I like about these foreign animated films is they usually have stories that the big US studios aren’t going to even try to attempt. It all means Minuscule could be really cool or really bad.
My Dog the Champion
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Company – MultiVisionnaire Pictures
Cast – Lance Henriksen, Dora Madison Burge, Cody Linley
Director(s) – Robin Nations, Kevin Nations
Writer(s) – Richard Dane Scott
Official Site
Madison is a typical spoiled city teenager. She loves to text and hang out with her friends. When her mom is called back into military service, Madison is forced to to stay with her Grandpa Billy on his ranch. What’s a poor city girl to do?
At first, Madison feels lonely and hopeless in the country, but help turns up in the form of a new friend named Scout, an adorable cattle dog who decided she doesn’t like herding cattle. Grandpa Billy pegs Scout as a useless “broken tool” — but Madison sees something totally different in her. Bonding through their mutual sense of displacement, the two outcasts form a special friendship. With the help of a cute teenage boy that trains dogs, Madison uncovers Scout’s uncanny skill at agility competition, and the trio spend their summer training for the Annual Youth Trainer Challenge to win the blue ribbon.
Tars sez: I have a weakness for dog movies, and also movies where Lance Henriksen looks 1000 years old. I didn’t realize until now he’s 73! It’s a feel good movie with a cute dog, what more do you want, balloons? I can get you balloons. I’ll get you a whole crate of balloons. C.O.D., of course, no freebies!
National Lampoon Presents Surf Party
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Company – Spotlight Pictures
Cast – Matthew Lillard, Vanessa Angel, Joan Jett
Director –
Writer(s) –
Official Site
In the vein of “Dazed and Confused,” “National Lampoon’s Surf Party” chronicles 24 hours in the life of a group of teens living the dream of babes, brews, and bikinis, one last time before high school graduation.
While California is known as a surfer’s paradise, that doesn’t mean life is perfect in the pristine beach community of Ventura. The biggest problem—city kids from “The Valley.” In Ventura, they have a “locals only” policy and anyone from the Valley is looked upon as the enemy.
When JD’s (Khan Chittenden, TV’s “Blue Water High”) custom-made, prized surf board is stolen by a Valley kid, JD and his friends enlist Mooney (Matthew Lillard, “Scooby-Doo!” “Scream”), a veteran Ventura surfer, to help track down the thief and get the board back.
The crew heads into the Valley and retrieves JD’s board from the enemy’s clutches, just in time to return to Ventura for the biggest Surf Party ever!
“Surf Party” is a rockin’ good time, with a soundtrack featuring songs from Katy Perry, Joan Jett (who also stars in the movie), Pennywise, and Travis Barker.
PARTY ON!
Tars sez: I see National Lampoon is still attaching their name to awful films. Will this be worse than Surf School, currently the worst surfing movie of all time?
Ninja Apocalypse
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Automatic Entertainment
Cast – Christian OLIVER, Les BRANDT, Ernie REYES, JR, Cary TAGAWA
Director – Lloyd BARNETT
Writer(s) –
Framed for assassinating the Grandmaster, the Lost Ninja Clan must battle their way up an underground nuclear bunker filled with hordes of supernatural enemies, mutants and flesh eating zombies. Trapped a thousand feet below the earth’s crust, these ninjas will face hell. The Raid meets The Warriors with adrenaline-fueled martial arts and blazing effects.
Tars sez: Wha? Why are they below the Earth’s crust and fighting zombies? Is it because they are the Lost Ninja Clan? Better get a TomTom! (Note: picture has nothing to do with the film)
The Night Crew
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Premiere Entertainment Group
Cast – Paul Sloan, Luke Goss
Director – Christian Sesma
Writer(s) – Christian Sesma, Paul Sloan
THE NIGHT CREW centers on a group of hard up bounty hunters who must survive the night in a desert motel against a horde of savage border runners when they realize their fugitive, a mysterious Chinese woman, is much more than she lets on.
Tars sez: It’s the bounty hunter version of M. Butterfly! Just kidding, but it is cool to see a film where people are besieged by something that isn’t zombies! Unless zombies show up, in which case fuck this movie!
P-51 Dragon Fighter
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Archstone Distribution
Cast – Scott Martin, Stephanie Beran, Ross Brooks, Osman Soykut, Robert Pike Daniel
Director – Mark Atkins
Writer(s) – Mark Atkins
Official Site
In 1943, as the allies advance in North Africa, the Nazis unleash an ancient terror. Out of the night sky the allies are ambushed by dragons. Facing annihilation, a rag tag group of P-51 pilots are sent on a desperate mission to fight the dragons and save the war.
Tars sez: I have been excited about the concept of this for a while, and the fact the Nazis are releasing the dragons (with tattoos!) that attack makes it sound even more cooler. And the trailer has more fighters vs. dragon action than I expected the whole film to have, so that is a good sign as well.
P5YCH
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Cinema Management Group (CMG)
Cast –
Director – Matthew Currie Holmes
Writer(s) –
The Year is 1984. Five survivors, whose real life experiences inspired some of the scariest movies of all-time: Friday the 13th, Halloween, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, A Nightmare On Elm Street are now undergoing treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Mentored by Dr. Rick Gilbert, “The Five” take their therapy to a whole new level when they leave the confines of their respective wellness centers and travel to the secluded McKafee Ranch. Here they start in an experimental, psycho-kinetic treatment known as Stage Five which allows them to come face to face with their worst fears: their most suppressed memories. But when the memories and fantasies turn real, and the body count begins to rise, the survivors must band together to survive again… or die trying.
Tars sez: Honestly, I’ve heard pitches like this one for years, including versions trying to recruit the actual Final Girl actresses. Heck, even Jamie Lee Curtis has a pitch out there. But someone went and sidestepped the whole thing for their own film.
A Pride of Lions
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Company – Moonstone Entertainment
Cast – Louis Gossett Jr., Margot Kidder, Cedric Smith, Tom Jackson, Seymour Cassel, Bo Svenson
Director – Sidney J. Furie
Writer(s) – Richard Watson
A family action film about the high adventures of five American grandparents, who go to Afghanistan to rescue their soldier grandsons from the Taliban.
Tars sez: Might be fun, a white person version of Original Gangstas!
Pros and Cons: A Fantasy Football Movie
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Company – FlixHouse Global
Cast – Earl Browning III, Stephen Brodie, Stacy Cunningham
Director – Bryant Hicks
Writer(s) – Scott Ross
Official Site
Jack Snow (Earl Browning III) is a family man obsessed with winning his high stakes fantasy football league. Jack has a keen talent for picking great players for his team but has yet to ever win his league. He’s a huge fan of fantasy football and professional football. At the same time, he’s disturbed about the showboat attitude of football star players such as Tyrice Donovan (Le Marc Johnson) and Randall Donaldson (Bryan Pitts).
After his wife (Stacy Cunningham) forbids him to play fantasy football, Jack’s best friend, Steve-O (Lance Eakright), convinces him to play again, but he keeps it secret from his wife and son (Greyson Moore). He must take home the league championship to win $60,000 in order to save his family. But at what cost? The surprise ending will have many viewers asking is Jack now living the good life or has he thrown it all away?
This is the first feature film about fantasy football and shot on the Red One camera. It also features Tim Taylor from THE HUNGER GAMES, Stephen Brodie from THE LONE RANGER, Tze Yep from THE EXPENDABLES, and Ernest James from FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS.
Tars sez: Fantasy Football is pretty popular, so of course there will be Fantasy Football movies besides that scene from Knocked Up (which I think was Fantasy Baseball, anyway.) The plot somehow involves a gigantic woman in a bikini, who is lured in by the siren song of people who can crunch stats and then get lucky. Presumably she feeds on their brains, leaving only empty husks remaining. Such is the curse of Fantasy Football.
Pudsey: The Movie
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Company –
Cast – Pudsey, David Walliams
Director – Nick Moore
Writer(s) –
Soon after winning Simon Cowell’s smash hit TV show Britain’s Got Talent, the UK’s most famous dog is starring in his first film: PUDSEY: THE MOVIE!
Tars sez: My British readers will know who this dog is, and why this film is on this list. For everyone else, just imagine From Justin to Kelly, if Justin was a dog. Actually, that sounds much better…
Scintilla
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Company – AV Pictures
Cast – John Lynch, Craig Conway, Antonia Thomas, Jumayan Hunter, Morjana Alaoui, Beth Winslet
Director – Billy O’Brien
Writer(s) – Rob Green
An elite team of mercenaries are chosen to carry out a covert operation deep in a former Soviet State. They must first battle the ferocious armed militia at ground level before descending through a maze of tunnels inhabited by dark, menacing creatures. When the team arrives at an underground laboratory they discover the purpose of their mission: A genius scientist has been genetically splicing alien DNA with human and the results of this revolutionary work must be secured. The soldiers must protect and save the specimens whilst avoiding the threats of multiple predators, both human and otherwise.
Tars sez: Once gain, and “elite team” is sent in to fight monsters in the dark, this time fly people with multiple eyes who live in Spaceship Earth at Epcot Center by looks of the poster art. I knew Disney was up to no good!
Septic Man
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Company – Raven Banner Entertainment
Cast – Jason David Brown, Molly Dunsworth
Director – Jesse T. Cook
Writer(s) – Tony Burgess
From the Writer of Pontypool and the Creators of Monster Brawl and Exit Humanity, comes a shocking new horror film. An erstwhile plumber undergoes a hideous transformation when trapped inside a septic tank and tormented by the bizarre residents of his town’s sewage treatment plant.
Tars sez: This is the sick truth the Charmain bears are trying to hide from you! Never go into the sewers, those ninja turtles were regular turtles before they were mutated! Septic Man features more people yelling into manholes than I’ve seen in a movie, ever. And I’ve seen a lot of manhole yelling. If you are a fan of poo turning people into monsters, or of lots and lots and lots of puking, Septic Man is your bag, baby!
The Seventh Tear
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Company – Red Sea Media
Cast –
Director –
Writer(s) –
A safari on a dangerous alien planet is hijacked by extremists bent on starting a civil war with the indigenous aliens. Now it’s up to the sole survivor to outwit her assailants, escape from the badlands, and prevent a war.
Tars sez: Sounds like Avatar, except the corporations aren’t in control (yet) and one woman stands between us and Armageddon. Or at least an alien war that humans may or may not win. Unfortunately all there is is the poster art for now, so I don’t know how big this film will look. A definite maybe.
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Company – One Dollar Distribution Limited
Cast –
Director – Christopher Sun
Writer(s) –
Two Japanese vagrants sneak into the Tang Dynasty, rape and pillage women. The incident not only creates fear among the public, but it also startles the imperial emissary. Populaces with supernatural power travel to Japan and dare a sex challenge, and begin the sexecution!
Tars sez: Despite delays after delays, Sex and Zen 3D 2 (aka Sex and Zen 4D aka whatever they’re retitling it this time) should still make a bunch of cash despite being terrible. Expect almost every actress to be Japanese. The fact they’re trying to sell it might mean production is beginning to move forward (or they might need the presale money to begin production)
Sharktopus Versus Mermantula
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Company – New Horizons Picture Corp.
Cast – Casper Van Dien, Catherine Oxenberg
Director – Kevin O’Neill
Writer(s) – Matt Yamashita
In order to take down Sharktopus, Ray Brady, a former basketball player is injected with a transformation serum that alters his genetic make-up to become part man, part pirahna and part tarantula. Though, unsuccessful at his first attempt to bring down Sharktopus, Ray injects himself with a growth hormone, increasing his strength ten fold and has a final showdown with Sharktopus in a baseball stadium.
Tars sez: This will be the third Sharktopus film, as 2 and 3 are filming together, and I eagerly await them on SyFy!
Sharktopus Versus Pteracuda
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – New Horizons Picture Corp.
Cast – Robert Carradine, Katie Savoy
Director – Kevin O’Neill
Writer(s) – Matt Yamashita
Sharktopus’ offspring goes toe-to-toe with the latest science experiment “Pteracuda” in a battle for supremacy,
Tars sez: This will be the second Sharktopus film, as 2 and 3 are filming together, and I eagerly await them on SyFy!
Skypocalypse aka The Phoenix Rises
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – TomCat Films
Cast – James Black, Adam Cardon
Director – Drew Hall
Writer(s) – Denny Wilkins
Official Site
Worlds collide in this psychological, sci fi thriller when a team of brilliant scientists are recruited to work with a secretive government run project called the Phoenix Program to develop counter measures for climate based weaponry. Special Agents Bob Smith and Tom Jones hand picked the team after observing their success with building the world’s first space elevator for the Bonner Prize – a secret recruitment project purposed to find the worlds best and brightest. A newly formed terrorist group is using climate based weapons to hold the US and its allies hostage. Using extremely low frequency delivery methods the terrorists can cause earthquakes, alter rain patterns, cause droughts, and create deadly storms out of thin air but the terrorist threat is not the only challenge for the team. A deadly, vindictive mercenary from their past, Jamal Duegro, has launched a revenge operation to reacquire technologies his clients want returned to them and will stop at nothing in order to protect his interests.
Tars sez: Bob Smith and Tom Jones, huh? Sorry, Skypocalypse, Earthtastrophe is the better disaster movie title, but you did place high enough to get a medal. I can just see the news headline graphics now for “Terror Weather!”
Sleeping Beauty
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Moonrise Pictures SL
Cast – Jenny Alford, Robert Amstler
Director – Rene Perez
Writer(s) – Barry Massoni
Official Site
The beautiful Aurora (Jenny Alford) is cursed into everlasting sleep by an evil witch for a crime she didn’t commit, The brave Commander of the Guard, William (Robert Amstler) embarks on a quest inspired by both love an loyality to free the doomed princess.
He travels into the dark forest, where he encounters a friendly elf that helps him on his quest, a dangerous wizard with no love for royalty or evil, a deadly assassin, and a ravenous creature that preys on human flesh before the final confrontation that will determine Aurora’s fate.
Tars sez: So Maleficent is a blue orc from Lord of the Rings now, and also a bunch of other fantasy creatures are running around. Luckily the world is set to classical music!
Sneezing Baby Panda
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Trailer Link
Company – Shoreline Entertainment
Cast – Amber Clayton
Director – Lesley Hammond, Jenny Walsh
Writer(s) – Lesley Hammond, Jenny Walsh
When Australian zoologist Marnie Tyler first sees the viral internet sensation ‘Sneezing Baby Panda’ she knows at once the feisty little cub could save her ailing zoo from closure. Marnie’s quest to find the iconic panda hits a brick wall the moment she arrives in panda country. Dealing with Chinese villagers who’ve never seen the YouTube clip and battling aggressive foreign syndicates hell bent on finding the panda first, Marnie (Amber Clayton) eventually tracks him down in a remote mountain breeding centre. But Chi Chi is more than a cub who once sneezed! Combining slick visual effects, historic film and remarkable contemporary footage of pandas in their natural habitat, the tongue–cheek-story behind ‘Sneezing Baby Panda”
Tars sez: I hated the idea of this movie when it was announced, and I hate it now despite it being a “mockumentary”, which is just a lame cop out way of dealing with the fact this should have never been greenlighted! If this makes money, every viral video that gets more than 3 views will have a movie deal, and you will only have yourself to blame!
The Snow Queen
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Moonrise Pictures SL
Cast – Jenny Allford, Nadia Lanfranconi
Director – Rene Perez
Writer(s) – Rene Perez
Official Site
A mysterious presence has threatened humanity for hundreds as it lurks in the frozen wastes. Nearly unnoticed as her powers grow, she’s been slowly draining the planet of it’s most precious recourse.
It takes two groups of adventurers, separated in time, to defeat her and her demonic guardians. One fights against her with swords and shields of iron, the other with assault rifles and body armor.
Tars sez: Huh, Game of Thrones, except Master Chief is running around gunning everyone down, and Daenerys has antlers.
Sons of Liberty
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Shoreline Entertainment
Cast – Tamer Hassan, Keith David, Elyse Levesque
Director – Drew Hall
Writer(s) – Jeff Etheridge, Drew Hall, Danny Wilkins
An elite team of scientists and soldiers unite to thwart a terrorist plot to detonate a nuclear weapon along the Gulf Coast.
Tars sez: Another “elite team”, but instead of fighting monsters, they fight terrorist with a film title that smells far too teabagger for my liking.
Sparks
AFM Link
YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Archstone Distribution
Cast – Chase Williamson, Ashley Bell, Clancy Brown, Jake Busey, William Katt, Marina Squerciati, Clint Howard
Director(s) – Todd Burrows, Christopher Folino
Writer(s) – Christopher Folino
A masked vigilante who discovers the dark side to heroism. Going after the nation’s most notorious super criminal leaves Sparks’ life and reputation in ruins.
Tars sez: One of the few super hero films this year, the character Sparks’ life is ruined by being a hero, much how geeks have their lives ruined by being fanboys. The solution is to not be a geek, but be a nerd. Because then you get paid!
Stalled
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Odin’s Eye Entertainment
Cast – Dan Palmer, Antonia Bernath
Director – Christian James
Writer(s) – Dan Palmer
It’s Christmas Eve, and a soon-to-be-shit-canned maintenance gopher (Dan Palmer) is changing light bulbs and cleaning toilets instead of drinking egg nog and making out with drunk receptionists at the annual office party. Unfortunately for this forlorn floor-sweeper, he chooses to use the ladies restroom the very second a zombie outbreak occurs! Will he bowl us over and flush away the undead or (like in his pre-apocalypse life) simply remain …Stalled?
Tars sez: I certainly want to watch a film that is some guy sitting in the ladies restroom for 99% of the running time, and zombies wandering around for the rest!
StarShip: Rising
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Company – Halcyon International
Cast –
Director –
Writer(s) –
Official Site
Starship One… the most powerful prototype warship in the Federation, capable of destroying entire worlds. When the order is given to destroy the Earth, Flight Lieutenant John Worthy mutineers Starship One and takes on the might of the entire Federation.
Tars sez: WHOA! Someone turned their Star Wars fanfic into a real film that only vaguely resembles Star Wars! I would watch.
Step Dogs
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Company – Joker Films Inc.
Cast – Dylan Schmid, Eliana Jones, Ryan Belleville, Joris Jarsky
Director – Geoff Anderson
Writer(s) – William Wennekers
When a stuntman from the rural north marries a Hollywood movie star, it quickly becomes evident that their two kids will not get along, and neither will their respective dogs. Josh’s dog Meatball, is a scruffy farm mutt with a wisecracking wit, while Lacey’s dog Cassie is a prim, spoiled purse dog who is not into country living and takes every opportunity to point that out with her constant complaints.
With the parents away for their honeymoon, Cassie and Meatball must put their differences aside when they discover a pair of bumbling thieves plotting to steal Lacey’s mom’s prized diamond, which has been locked away in the house.
The crooks soon find their work cut out for them when the talking dogs team up to defend their home, engaging in a non-stop hilarious slap-stick battle. It’s “Home Alone” meets “Beverly Hills Chihuahua”, in a new family comedy where all leashes are off!
Tars sez: It’s another Home Alone with talking dogs movie! I still can’t believe this is a trend this year.
Subconscious
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Company – Taylor & Dodge
Cast – Tim Abell, Tom Stedham, Naomi Brockwell, Aleisha Force, Mick Beckingham
Director – Georgia Hilton
Writer(s) –
An obsessive professor is allowed to visit the USS Lionfish, a World War 2 submarine mysteriously welded shut and locked to the pier in 1943. Once on board, he and his team become trapped and pitted against a German U-Boat in a battle that will change the course of history.
Tars sez: Was this film greenlit entirely on the basis of the title pun? Could be interesting, could not be, sadly too early to tell.
Survivor
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Company – Koan Inc.
Cast – Kevin Sorbo, Danielle Chuchran
Director – John Lyde
Writer(s) –
Just as young Kate Mitra discovers a habitable planet for what’s left of humankind, a meteor strike destroys their space craft, crash-landing them on a mysterious barren world. As Kate, Captain Hunter, and the other survivors gather, they are ambushed by a band of post-apocalyptic warriors and mutated savages.
Kate awakens bound in a cave, trapped by flesh-eating cave creatures and separated from her friends, and must learn to trust the planet’s mysterious humanoids in order to outrun, outsmart and outfight hordes of bloodthirsty aliens and an enormous mutated wolf creature, and rescue her friends and her captain before they are all eaten alive.
Tars sez: Okay, take the plot of After Earth, but instead of Jayden Smith, we have Katniss Everdeen searching for the rescue beacon, and instead of mutant animals, its mutant LOTR monsters. I am interested!
Time Warrior
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Fairway Film Alliance
Cast – Thomas Graninger, Brandon Dold, Kai Denton
Director – Joaquin Rodriguez
Writer(s) – Michael Halverson, Joaquin Rodriguez
Official Site
An underground pirated video turns a timid teenager into the ultimate time-traveling lethal weapon. Packed with sci-fi action, Time Warrior is a futuristic teenage adventure that blurs the line between fantasy and reality. Fast, fun, young and hip, featuring VFX and CGI from Jaime Jasso (Avatar, Iron Man 2, Transformers 3).
Tars sez: HAHAHA! This trailer is a MUST WATCH!
Thrillseekers, The Indosheen
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Empress Road Pictures
Cast – Ben Seton
Director – Robert Pfitzner
Writer(s) – Robert Pfitzner
Official Site
Captain Tomlin is tasked with assembling a team of super-heroes in order to seek & uncover the secret of the Universe in order to save the planet, humanity and most of all his soul mate Melanie.
Tars sez: I have no idea what the plot is based on the trailer (which makes some…suspect claims about how good this film is), but the trailer hints it is a video game, and the synopsis says it involves super heroes (none are in the trailer!) Remember, Thrillseeker is his name!
Tomorrow aka Omni
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – SC Films International
Cast – Kate Glover
Director – Tristan Cornelius VERSLUIS
Writer(s) – Tristan Cornelius VERSLUIS, Igor ZOR
Official Site
The Aliens are coming, today, tomorrow, soon…..
Aliens have inhabited a number of planets over the centuries and settled on Earth before Man arrived. They now dwell in our Oceans, out of sight but keeping an eye on Mankind.Abbi Hill claims that she has been abducted by aliens. She saw bright lights, a space ship and has memories of an operating table and seeing aliens.
Everyone else believes Abbi is an attention seeker and highly strung. After accidentally causing the death of her best friend in a car accident, Abbi is released from prison on good behaviour. Re-united with her six year old daughter and ex boyfriend Scott, Abbi is abducted once again.
What do the aliens want with Abbi? Does Abbi hold the key to the future of Mankind?
Special Agent Shepherd certainly believes Abbi is “special” and holds super powers. She is captured (along with her family) and imprisoned in a new high tech facility. The Earth is on the brink of environmental catastrophe and the Government is also seeing increased UFO activity. Is the Planet about to destruct? Are the aliens getting ready to invade?
An ARK has been constructed for the lucky few to escape to a new Planet. Can Abbi save the Earth from an alien invasion or is it too late?
Sci-fi action adventure from FX director Tristan Cornelius Versluis (FX for “Game of Thrones”).
Tars sez: That synopsis has more questions than I do! It’s crazy. Definitely maybe!
Unidentified
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – MPI Media Group
Cast – Colton Dunne, Eric Artell, Eddie Mui, Parry Shen
Director – Jason R. Miller
Writer(s) – Jason R. Miller
After an ill-fated weekend of gambling in Las Vegas, four friends on the run from a loan shark find themselves stranded in the Nevada desert. But debt troubles may be the least of their worries when the group discovers that something unearthly may be stalking them. Director Jason R. Miller’s UNIDENTIFIED cleverly mixes sci-fi suspense with comedy to create a truly unique take on an otherworldly encounter.
Tars sez: Hey, a film with multiple Asian leads I will watch. Add aliens and stuff and I will also watch. Basically I’ll watch anything, but some things more than others. Like this.
Witching & Bitching aka Las Brujas de Zugarramurdi
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Film Factory Entertainment
Cast – Hugo SILVA, Mario CASAS, Jaime ORTIZ, Carmen MAURA, Terele PÁVEZ, Carolina BANG, Javier GUTIÉRREZ, Secun DE LA ROSA
Director – Álex DE LA IGLESIA
Writer(s) – Álex DE LA IGLESIA
Official Site
Divorced dad José and friends rob 25,000 wedding rings from a Cash-for-Gold shop in a desperate attempt to escape their lives of wife troubles. But they may never make it out of the haunted northern forests where a coven of witches chases them down for the rings and their souls in a crazy storm of poetic justice for their failures with the opposite sex.
Tars sez: First, I hate the new title, way to try to be shocking. But it looks like it might be fun, so I’ll have to overcome my annoyance at the title choice.
Zero Dark Dirty
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – ITN Distribution
Cast – Alexander Loy, Mark Metcalf
Director – Alexander Loy, Joe Walser
Writer(s) – Alexander Loy
A rock and roll musician travels to Afghanistan to win the hearts and minds of it’s people. Starring Corey Feldman (The Lost Boys, Stand By Me)
Tars sez: Starring Corey Feldman is a sentence I don’t hear enough of these days. Let’s do it!
Zip & Zap and the Marble Gang aka Zipi y Zape y el Club de la Canica
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Company – Film Factory Entertainment
Cast – Javier Gutiérrez, Claudia Vega, Álex Angulo
Director – Oskar Santos
Writer(s) – Francisco Roncal, Jorge Lara, Oskar Santos
Naughty twins Zip & Zap are sent to a strict summer school where all entertainment is forbidden. Their mischief gets out of hand and they form the Marble Gang, the children’s Resistance, to defy the evil Headmaster. The children wind up uncovering a mysterious secret hidden deep within the school leading to the most wonderful adventure of their lives.
Tars sez: Remember when kids played with marbles? I sure don’t because that was decades and decades before I was born. But let’s pretend that the marbles are Pokemon and that Zip and Zap are the Weasley twins, and suddenly this movie sounds a lot better.
Zombie Fight Club
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YouTube Trailer Link
Company – Star Alliance Movies (HK) Co., Ltd.
Cast – Andy ON, Philip NG, Jessica CAMBENSY, Jack KAO, Michael WONG, Terence YIN, Derek TSANG, Candy YUEN
Director – Joe CHIEN
Writer(s) –
It’s the end of the Century, at a corner of the city in a building riddled with crime …… Everyone in the building has turned into zombies. After Jenny’s boyfriend was killed in a zombie attack, she faces the challenge of surviving in the face of adversity. In order to stay alive she struggles with Andy to flee danger.
The originally kind and warm hearted chemistry teacher, after the kayos has broken out is now the zombie leader and has transformed into a cruel, vicious and selfish character.
Violent activists match prisoners against zombies in a malicious killing game, the good side of humanity has seemingly all but vanished. Now that all order is lost, how will humans create a new century? A world of uncertainty awaits : The end? Hope? Or Death?
Tars sez: I was all set to damn the idiots who made this based on just the title until I realized it’s a Hong Kong film and not some nerds in their basement. Still, I’ll never watch a movie called Zombie Fight Club, but maybe someone else will.
Wow, what a huge list! What can we take away from this?
Best looking films: Apokalips X, Born of War, The Demon’s Rook, Enemy Empire, Evil Feed, Legendary: Tomb of the Dragon, Lisa Limone & Maroc Orange, P-51 Dragon Fighter, Survivor
Worst looking films: Atlantis The Last Days of Kaptara, Dragon Reign, Invasion Day, National Lampoon Presents Surf Party, Sneezing Baby Panda, Time Warrior
Most WTF films: Crawl Bitch Crawl, Grand Auto Theft L.A., Land of Giants, Thrillseekers The Indosheen
Best title: Earthtastrophe
Worst Title: Fist 2 Fist: 2 – Weapon Of Choice
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