The Machine Girl

aka Kataude Mashin Gâru

2008
Directed by Noboru Iguchi

One day people will be able to detect awesomeness with a Geiger counter type device. When this Awesomeness Detector is used to measure DVDs of The Machine Girl, it will overload by so much, the explosion will destroy half the universe. This film simply rocks. It is beyond cool. We have a girl with a machine gun for an arm, evil ninja yakuza, and more blood than a Red Cross warehouse. There will be blood. Lots and lots of blood. Blood that sprays forth at like a firehose. Let’s just say that if any woman in this universe ever had her period, the force of the blood exiting her body would cause her to launch up into the air like a rocket and she’d crash into the moon. There’s that much blood.

Much of this film is beyond description, only pictures and video will be satisfactory. It’s an explosion of visual images and over the top-ness that will make your jaw drop and your pants moist. A low-budget original film from Fever Dreams/Media Blasters, hopefully the first of many awesome productions. It was actually released in the US before Japan, which is a first I can get behind. The DVD has both subtitles and an English dub, so of course we will jump right to Japanese with subtitles. Because we are out and proud geeks.

Ami Hyuga (Minase Yashiro) – A normal basketball-playing girl becomes the instrument of vengeance known as The Machine Girl after her brother Yu is murdered by the son of Yakuza. After losing her arm, she is aided by fellow victims and given a machine gun as replacement, which allows her to blast her way to total vengeance. Ami’s parents killed themselves when they were framed for murder. Miki (Asami Sugiura as Asami) – Miki was in a biker gang with her hubby. Her son Takeshi was killed by Sho, and afterwards helps Ami on her quest of vengeance. Married to Suguru. Asami is an AV actress, for those of you who don’t speak Japanophile, that means she’s a porn star (Mosaic only.) Yu Hyuga (Ryôsuke Kawamura) – Ami’s little brother, who is killed by Sho Kisuma, son of a Yakuza boss. Appears as a ghost helping Ami and applauding her efforts. Thankfully, not as a scary long-haired ghost like most Asian horror films. Sho Kimura (Nobuhiro Nishihara) – Killed Yu and Takeshi for kicks. Snotty and sarcastic. Has a flair for wearing outfits that make him look like a gay pimp. He and his mom are almost like they share brains… Ryuji Kimura (Kentaro Shimazu) – Dad Kimura is head of a ninja clan that is the Hatori Hanzo clan, which now is yakuza. Crazy. Wears his hair in demon horn style. Uses the flying guillotine, mouth masks, swords, and intense praying powers. Violet Kimura (Honoka) – Mom Kimura is formerly of the Kanto Beasts, this woman beats her husband for being soft, kills maids as punishment, makes a chef eat “finger food”, and wears metal undergarments. Just your average Japanese woman! Suguru (Yûya Ishikawa) – Takeshi’s dad, Miki’s husband, mechanic, and builder of machine gun arms. The son of a surgeon, and a former biker gang member (where he met his wife.) He doesn’t seem to have the temperament of a biker gang member, unless they are much calmer in Japan, which I doubt based on their many other depictions in movies. He’s a nice guy, so of course he gets killed violently. Abraham Lincoln (???) – Abraham Lincoln is alive and well, living as a Yakuza bodyguard in Japan. Until he’s killed in the movie, so I guess he is dead. Damn you, Japanese John Wilkes Booth!!!