Mercenaries Asylum

Asylum gives us the all-female action flick we demand with Mercenaries!

Who has time to wait around for Hollywood to make a terrible all-female version of The Expendables (called The Expendabelles and featuring a plot where they all become hookers for some reason…) when Asylum can just go ahead and do it, and make it a women in prison film at the same time? Yes, a double-decker mockbuster called Mercenaries that takes on The Expendables 3 and Orange is the New Black season 2 (which I am on a break from binge-watching to write this up) It’s also a big middle finger to Hollywood suits who can’t be bothered to have women star in their action films.

What we get in Mercenaries is a dream team of B-movie action actresses – Zoe Bell(Raze), Vivica A. Fox(Kill Bill), Kristanna Loken(BloodRayne), Brigitte Nielsen(Red Sonja), Cynthia Rothrock(Undefeatable), and Nicole Bilderback (Bring it On). It co-stars Tim Abell, Alexis Raich, Alyma Dorsey, and Alicia Vigil.

Christopher Ray directs, from a script by Edward DeRuiter (who wrote 2-Headed Shark Attack). It was originally called Prison Raid, but got a name change like many Asylum productions.

A diplomatic official is captured and imprisoned while touring a war zone, so a team of elite female commandoes is assembled to infiltrate a women’s prison for a daring rescue.

According to the Asylum site, the street date is August 5, 2014, but no word on if this is on DVD, streaming, exclusive to one outlet before others, or what. So keep an eye out for people talking about this film eventually. If a trailer ever surfaces, I’ll post that (once again, Google is failing me!), and if I can get a copy eventually, I’ll weigh in my thoughts as well. The world will stand by, holding its breath, because we all know that TarsTarkas.NET is the word when it comes to female commando movies that take place in women’s prison.

via Asylum

Mercenaries Asylum

Outlaw Prophet Warren Jeffs Lifetime

Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs preaches on Lifetime!

Outlaw Prophet Warren Jeffs Lifetime

Warren Jeffs is one of those creepy guys that people read about and wonder how sickos get followers. Except sitting around wondering things is judging, and most people who judge things like that probably make dozens of questionable decisions themselves. Charismatic fucktards can get away with a lot of horrible things, and the more charismatic you are and the more controlling the environment you are in all weigh heavily on what sort of fucked up things you can do. Which is why we got cult leaders killing hundreds, convicted politicians getting reelected, and corporate CEOs answering to no one. But that’s beside the point, which is Warren Jeffs is the subject of a new film on Lifetime!

Scandal‘s Tony Goldwyn plays Warren Jeffs in Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs. The film details the rise of the pastor of the breakaway fundamental sect of the Mormon church and covers a lot of the creepy gross stuff that happened, including Jeffs’ downfall and subsequent years on the run before he was captured and jailed. Jeffs traded wives and underage wives like Pokemon, believing the more wives you had, the more Godly you were. He would reassign his followers’ wives, and the FLDS followed the polygamous cult tradition of expelling extra male members to keep the ratio of women to men high enough for everyone who was loyal enough to get many wives. Jeffs was also a believer that would world would end in the year 2012. Astute readers will remember that the world did not end in 2012, and is in fact still around.

Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs is based on Stephen Singular’s book When Men Become Gods, and took five writers to turn into film – Alyson Evans, Bryce Kass, Steve Kornacki, Art Monterastelli, and Gabriel Range. Director Gabriel Range is best known for the controversial Death of a President, the faux-documentary that examined the response to a fictitious assassination of President George W. Bush. Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs also stars Martin Landau, Molly Parker, and Joey King.

True to the fact that this is an exploitation film, there appears to be a massive amount of near-nudity in the trailer, and even Pastor Jeffs railing away on a girl who is talking about how “I feel God”. So Lifetime is pushing the envelope here again!

Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs premieres Saturday, Jun 28 on Lifetime!

“Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs” is the true story of the fundamentalist Mormon leader who spent more than a year on the FBI’s “10 Most Wanted List” for unlawful flight on charges related to his alleged arrangement of illegal marriages involving underage girls. Based on the book When Men Become Gods by New York Times bestselling author Stephen Singular, the movie chronicles Jeffs’ (Tony Goldwyn) rise to power after the death of his father, Rulon Jeffs (Martin Landau). Within days of his father’s passing, Warren married all of his father’s wives and dictatorial control over his polygamist followers ensued. He demanded women in the sect be completely subservient to men, banned laughing, and “reassigned” wives to other men at whim. Jeffs was eventually charged as an accomplice to rape for arranging underage marriages but fled prosecution. After a year-long manhunt, he was finally apprehended in Texas and brought back to trial. The courtroom testimony of two brave young women who escaped his reign of terror ensured he would finally be convicted and sentenced to life in prison. “Outlaw Prophet: Warren Jeffs” gives an inside look at the psychology of a cult leader and those who blindly followed him. Even to this day with their leader behind bars, members of his polygamist cult still believe that he is the prophet chosen by God himself.

via Lifetime

Asian School Girls

Asian School Girls (Review)

Asian School Girls

Asian School Girls
2014
Written by Tim Culley
Directed by Lawrence Silverstein

Asian School Girls
Four girls are drugged and raped, then set out for revenge in Asylum’s Asian School Girls. Asylum has been becoming a big source of exploitation film that has a more rougher tone. Their film Jailbait was a dark women in prison film complete with all sorts of abuses against the main character. Asian School Girls falls in the rape and revenge category, a genre I don’t watch nor write about that often anymore. Partially because my taste generally runs towards more fun films, and partially because of the of the disturbing things that come with those films. Some of the films seem made by people who are far more interested in the rape part than the revenge part. Luckily, Asian School Girls only dwells slightly with the rape and spends most of the film following the girls as they get revenge. Of course, things don’t go smoothly, and soon bodies are piling up all over, women are caged, and things turn into a bloody mess.

What we do get is some violent fun, with many awful people meeting deserved violent ends. And, yes, if you are a fan of dudes getting stabbed in the junk, you will be happy. A danger in a film like this is it becoming too exploitative, resting its allure to the stars being Asian, there isn’t much of that at all. You could switch them out with four ladies of any race and you’d only have to change the title and like one or two lines. If anything, these women are less like the stereotypical Asian girls, they don’t act submissive and surrender, they fight back and conquer.
Asian School Girls
Asian School Girls‘s weakest link is also its strongest section. The actresses who play the lead girls are relatively new, and the rapid pace of filming on a low-budget film doesn’t accommodate a lot of second takes. So occasionally line reads are a bit wonky. I know Minnie Scarlet was a last minute replacement who originally turned down a role, but she helps bring some energy the the group. Sam Aotaki plays a more laid back character, which makes her spurts of violence and profanity more clashing. Poor Catherine Hyein Kim’s character May gets the short end of the stick development-wise, with the other girls taking up most of the slots, but she does the best with what she’s got. Belle Hensathorn puts in a nice performance as the sheltered Suzy, torn between fun and very strict parents.

The girls will occasionally start bickering with each other as events unfold. This is actually sort of realistic because in extreme situations people will start freaking out and arguing, as some people can handle things better than others. Especially when there are different goals and ideas in mind. Despite their differences, the girls work together when the chips are down and make a good team. The arguing is occasionally tripped up by lines that sound like they look much better written than said aloud.
Asian School Girls

Hannah Takahashi (Sam Aotaki) – Hannah is the default leader in that she’s the more level-headed and reserved. That comes as a disadvantage as she’s not successfully drugged like the other girls were, but it allows her to see the people who did stuff to them. Hannah’s dad is a defense lawyer and says they won’t be believed, as no one believed her when she was molested as a child. The inability of the cops to do anything adds to her hostility towards the police.
Vivian Nguyen (Minnie Scarlet) – Vivian is the resident hacker superstar who is also a wild child. She helps plan their revenge, including knowing how to get access to weapons and how to raise the money needed to procure them. She is eager to slice guys in the junk.
May Lee (Catherine Hyein Kim) – May is the most well-rounded of the three main ladies. She also has the worst luck, but is the most into the workout scenes and is also eager to slice guys in the junk.
Suzy (Belle Hengsathorn) – Suzy is the shy virgin with super-strict parents, and that’s a recipe for a bad end. Her parents go conservative nuclear after she’s raped, and did I mention bad end? Because, bad end.

Asian School Girls

Bride and the Beast Rifftrax

The Bride and the Beast – new RiffTrax VOD!

Gorilla costumes and an Ed Wood script, The Bride and the Beast is the new RiffTrax VOD, and it has everything we love about jungle adventures. Stock footage, white people, gorillas representing forbidden interracial sexual lust, and sets that are made out of cardboard and repeatedly bumped into by the actors. Expect the RiffTrax crew to have a field day with this one! The lead woman is revealed to have been a gorilla queen in her prior life, which leads to consequences that will never be the same. Or something. The 1950s were ripe with past lives stuff thanks to the Bridey Murphy thing. For a cool breakdown of The Bride and the Beast, check out this DVD Savant review!

Order it at RiffTrax.com!

We’ve seen so many big screen weddings that they’ve begun to feel a touch cliched. Yes yes, the handsome husband sweeps the beautiful bride off her feet. Blah blah, he carries her over the threshold. Yada yada yada, he takes her down to the basement to meet the gorilla named Spanky that he keeps in a cage down there that he had never mentioned owning until that very moment. Etc etc, the chimp escapes and attacks the bride, triggering a relapse to a previous life when she lived as a gorilla herself, interrupted only when the husband guns Spanky down in cold blood. And then they return three of the extra fondue pots they got as wedding gifts.

This is the plot of The Bride and the Beast as written by one Ed Wood. This time around, instead of balling it up in Albuquerque, our characters go on on a honeymoon in Africa. You might think that since a main character has revealed that she was a gorilla in a previous life, this might affect the plot in some way. At least they spend the majority of the movie around gorillas in some capacity. Clearly you have never seen an Ed Wood movie before. No my friend, the plot revolves around deadly tigers, which we think were the alien’s Plan 10. The tigers are played by Fake Bela Lugosi.

The Bride and the Beast is full of bad gorilla suits, absurd stock footage, and last minute realizations that “Oh yeah, this was supposed to be about gorillas, wasn’t it?” Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this RiffTrax of The Bride and the Beast.

Bride and the Beast Rifftrax

Sharknado 2 poster

Sharknado 2 teaser trailer!


Because why not?

Sharknado 2: The Second One – Wednesday, July 30 at 9PM – In Sharknado 2: The Second One, the sequel to last summer’s global pop culture sensation, a freak weather system turns its deadly fury on New York City, unleashing a Sharknado on the population and its most cherished iconic sites – and only Fin (Ian Ziering) and April (Tara Reid) can save the Big Apple. The movie, directed by Anthony C. Ferrante from a screenplay by Thunder Levin, also stars Mark McGrath, Kari Wuhrer, Vivica A. Fox and Judah Friedlander, with cameo appearances including Kelly Osbourne, Judd Hirsch, Perez Hilton, Matt Lauer, Al Roker, Andy Dick, Robert Klein, Sandra “Pepa” Denton, Biz Markie, Downtown Julie Brown, Richard Kind and Kurt Angle, among others. Sharknado 2: The Second One is a production of The Asylum.

Yes, we’ll be watching.

Sharknado 2 poster

Sofia Grace Rosie Royal Adventure Poster

Sophia Grace & Rosie’s Royal Adventure Trailer


If you enjoy kids that appear on the Ellen show and kids who meddle in British politics while still supporting a monarchy in the 21st century, then you will love Sophia Grace & Rosie’s Royal Adventure! Released recently direct to VOD, you can check out these young ladies and their very British adventures doing things British. Or you can not, which is what I’m doing. But you need to be warned, and warned quickly, lest you make a mistake and watch this film unprepared. Perhaps you kids will demand to see it, and you’ll give in, thinking it can’t be worse than Annoying Orange. Oh, how wrong you are. You will long for the days of that Fred guy. But don’t take my word for it, watch the trailer…

Sofia Grace Rosie Royal Adventure Poster