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Perfect on Paper Hallmark
InMovie News

Perfect on Paper puts it to the test on Hallmark Channel!

September 6, 2014By

Perfect on Paper Hallmark

Over there is where I put the thousands of awards for Test Tube Teens from the Year 2000!


Hallmark gives us another romance story with Perfect On Paper, about a woman who dates a bunch of duds, and maybe she’s found someone cool in a lawyer. But as that character doesn’t rate a name while the surfer character does, it looks like the surfer dud just might be a stud. And half the film is literary The Devil Wears Prada! It’s two films in one, thanks to Hallmark Channel efficiency!

Portland book editor Natalie Holland (Lindsay Hartley) has chosen the wrong guy – another underachiever – once again. With her life going nowhere fast, she accepts a job offer from publisher and friend Avery Goldstein (Haley Strode) and moves to Los Angeles. A woman of depth and principle, Portland chic Natalie is a fish out of water in LA. Things only get worse when she learns she’s been hired to edit the latest romance novel from bestselling author Beverly Wilcox (Morgan Fairchild), a powerful, glamorous and intimidating figure straight out of “The Devil Wears Prada.” Warily taking this assignment, Natalie struggles to maintain her integrity as she contends with Beverly’s criticisms and threats. Along the way, complications arise when she meets a handsome surfer (Drew Fuller) — who mentors a young boy (Bryce Clyde Jenkins) — and a charming, successful LA attorney (Kieren Hutchison). As tensions mount at work and in romance, the young editor learns a lesson about judging a book by its cover and finds out that guys who look “perfect on paper” may not always be the better choice.

Perfect On Paper (previously known as On Paper) star Morgan Fairchild as Beverly Wilcox, Lindsay Hartley as Natalie Holland, Drew Fuller as Coop, and Kieren Hutchinson. It’s directed by Ron Oliver (Harriet the Spy: Blog Wars) and written by Bob Sáenz (Help for the Holidays)

Perfect On Paper premieres Saturday, September 20, on Hallmark Channel!

via Hallmark

Beethoven's Treasure Tail
InMovie News

The new Beethoven movie is a remake of The Goonies!

September 5, 2014By


Beethoven’s Treasure Tail is not just the latest in a long line of Beethoven movies that I was only vaguely aware they were still making, but it turns into a remake of a different childrens’ classic. Yep, that plot you see in the trailer is correct, Beethoven turns into The Goonies! We got Beethoven arriving in a small down by the docks that is about to be bought out by a rich investor and everything torn down, but if a child can find pirate treasure in an underground cave system using a pirate’s map and a key with a skull on it that he finds on a dead body, he can save the day. And there is also a guy riding a little girl’s bike!

As a sequel to The Goonies is one of those things that people talk about every few years and get all excited and then nothing happens, this is probably the best we will ever get, a spiritual sequel to The Goonies featuring a giant dog who slobbers and knocks food onto people. Weirdly enough, I’m perfectly fine with that. I’d rather a tribute than a sequel or reboot that just turns everything to hot garbage.

I declare Beethoven’s Treasure Tail good enough. Good enough for me. Aye-aye-aye-yeah!

Beethoven’s Treasure Tail stars Jonathan Silverman, Bretton Manley, Kristy Swanson, Morgan Fairchild, Jeffrey Combs, Udo Kier, Bretton Manley, and Patrick Kwok-Choon. It’s directed by Ron Oliver (A Dennis the Menace Christmas)

Does this mean Beethoven is Sloth?

Black Butler 黒執事
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Black Butler (Review)

September 5, 2014By

Black Butler

aka 黒執事 aka Kuroshitsuji
Black Butler 黒執事
2014
Written by Tsutomu Kuroiwa
Based on the manga created by Yana Toboso
Directed by Kentaro Otani and Keiichi Sato
Black Butler 黒執事
Demon butlers, terrorist conspiracies, gender-hiding revenge plots, English-Japanese hybrid toy baron nobles, and an alternate world with only two spheres of influence is the setting for a murder mystery that soon balloons into a wild tale that could only be a live-action manga tale. And, yes, it is. Kuroshitsuji (黒執事) – aka Black Butler – features a demonic butler named Sebastian who aides his master in her revenge quest in return for the permission to devour her soul once it’s completed. Despite the overly-complicated world building, the resulting film is entertaining and fun, delivering a cool story without biting off too much and feeling like everything is rushed.

Black Butler takes a train into gender confusion land. We first run across Ayame Gouriki held captive by human traffickers. After the action sequence is finished, she rips off her wig to reveal shorter hair beneath. It’s not until a scene or two later (like 20 minutes into the film) that I figure out she’s pretending to be a man named Earl Kiyoharu Genpo. Which means in her first appearance, she’s a girl pretending to be a boy pretending to be a girl. Like Connie Chan or Polly Shang Kuan, there is a zero percent chance that anyone would think that Ayame Gouriki was a male, which makes the scenes even more confusing.
Black Butler 黒執事
Shiori is under disguise because her whole family was wiped out by a traitor. She survived only by promising her soul to the demon Sebastian, who posed as her guardian servant, and Shiori posed as the illegitimate son of her father, named Kiyoharu Genpo. Why the illegitimate son has the same last name as the dad is best unanswered. She keeps up the ruse while trying to track down who hire the hitmen who slaughtered her family, and while running her family’s very successful toy company. Sadly, the toy company doesn’t factor into the plot as much as it should.
Black Butler 黒執事

Black Butler Sebastian (Hiro Mizushima) – Mysterious demon butler servant of Earl Kiyoharu Genpo that no one has noticed hasn’t aged at all in 12 years. Because no one looks at the servants, naturally!
Earl Kiyoharu Genpo / Shiori (Ayame Gouriki) – Earl Kiyoharu Genpo is the eye-patch wearing bastard heir to the Genpo fortune and the head of the East’s most successful toy company, Funtom Company. He’s also really the lone surviving Genpo daughter, Shiori, who faked her death and is now faking her gender after selling her soul to Sebastian in order to get revenge. Is also an agent known as The Queen’s Watchdog
Maid Rin (Mizuki Yamamoto) – Rin is the clumsy maid that serves the Genpo family like her family has for generations. Which is sort of sad because that’s like slavery or something. Also, despite the fact she’s a gigantic klutz, she’s also a secret super double gun wielding crack shot killer that mows downs all sorts of goons to protect her master.
Hanae Wakatsuki (Yuka) – Earl Kyoharu Genpo’s Aunt (though really the sister of Shiori’s mom, which would make her unrelated to Kiyoharu Genpo even though she’s related to Shiori) and helped raise the Earl and run the toy company while he was still a child.

Black Butler 黒執事

Deliverance Creek Lifetime
InMovie News

Deliverance Creek delivers revenge on Lifetime!

September 3, 2014By
Deliverance Creek Lifetime

1000% more butter churning than Dawson’s Creek!

Lifetime continues to throw out the event programming with Deliverance Creek, a Civil War revenge drama produced by Nicholas Sparks of The Notebook fame. Deliverance Creek is getting a bigger than usual push campaign, having a trailer and pictures up even before things like the Unauthorized Saved by the Bell movie or PopFan! So they either have a lot of confidence in this movie, or there is some contractual thing requiring bigger promotional material. Whatever the reason, I like having that stuff out already, because it makes it easier to write about the film. The production values seem high and it could be a cool outlaw movie about a good person pushed too far. It sounds like one of those older Westerns that are always focused on evil landowners trying to drive good people away and hiring thugs until a lawman/mercenary arrives and shoots them all. So if it is that, this will rule.

Best-selling author Nicholas Sparks (“The Notebook,” “A Walk to Remember,” “Safe Haven”) makes his television debut as executive producer of the two-hour programming event “Deliverance Creek.” “Deliverance Creek” is a revenge drama centering on a widow and mother of three who is determined to protect her family and land at any cost during the Civil War.

Two years into the Civil War, Belle Gatlin Barlowe (Lauren Ambrose) faces uncertainty in the life before her as she attempts to defend her family’s land by any means necessary. When the corrupt bank that runs their town pushes Belle into becoming an outlaw, the stakes become personal, setting off a chain of events that force her to question whether it’s better to be good or to survive.

Deliverance Creek stars Lauren Ambrose, Wes Ramsey, Yaani King, Caitlin Custer, Christopher Backus, Riley Smith, Katherine Willis, and Christopher Baker. It’s directed by Jon Amiel (he did Entrapment and The Core!) and written by Melissa Carter (a couple of Lifetime-related shows including The Lottery)

Deliverance Creek premiered September 13 on Lifetime!

via Lifetime

Mercenaries
InBad, Movie Reviews

Mercenaries (Review)

September 3, 2014By

Mercenaries

aka Prison Break
Mercenaries
2014
Written by Edward DeRuiter
Directed by Christopher Douglas Olen Ray
Mercenaries
There is talk in the film world of an all-female Expendables movie with a bunch of names being tossed about and a plot that sounds dumb as crap. While Hollywood talks, Asylum does, and gives us Mercenaries, and all-female Expendables featuring tough ladies doing some dirty work. It’s more of a B-movie femme all star roster, but it’s still filled with cool chicks who go on to kick a lot of butt. Following more Escape From New York meets The Dirty Dozen, Mercenaries sees for female convicts recruited to save the daughter of the president from a female potential dictator. Along the way we have plenty of shooting, stabbing, kicking, punching, breaking, betraying, and quipping, making Mercenaries a must-see event for action fans!

The President’s daughter Elise Prescott is ambushed in Kazakhstan, and not by Borat. Military leader Ulrika demands the US invade her country and install her as leader, or else! The US keeps this under wraps for now, and CIA agent Mona Kendall figures the best way to sneak in is to send women because Ulrika hates all men (except her right-hand man Grigori Babishkov) and thinks women are weak. As there are no experienced women to infiltrate the prison, they need to “think inside the box” and thus grab some female prisoners at whom they can wave pardons.
Mercenaries

Cassandra Clay (Zoë Bell) – A woman who beats up women in prison who demand tribute, and likes pizza. Former Delta Force, Ranger, and had a command. Lost half of her squad and attacked her CO because he was sending them into areas without proper support or information.
Kat Morgan (Kristanna Loken) – A sniper who shot up her boyfriend’s truck with him and his new girlfriend in it. She also throws a penny into the eye of a rapist guard.
Mei Lin Fong (Nicole Bilderback) – A techno-anarchist and exploding toilets enthusiast. She blew up a Wall Street bank (which means she’s awesome), and is also a pilot.
Raven (Vivica A. Fox) – Raven has no real name given, but she has a history with Mona. Raven was CIA, but became killer for hire and killed a CIA agent, thus the jail term.

Mercenaries

Ashley Argota How to Build a Better Boy Disney
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

How to Build a Better Boy (Review)

September 1, 2014By

How to Build a Better Boy

How to Build a Better Boy Disney
2014
Written by Jason Mayland
Directed by Paul Hoen
Ashley Argota How to Build a Better Boy Disney
Disney Channel gender-swaps Weird Science and also turns it into a statement about government drones, somehow doing a better job than the Robocop remake. I’m not really sure how that happened, but it did. Probably because How to Build a Better Boy is actually fun to watch, despite it’s goofy origin and Disney squeaky-clean upper class template.

Gabby Harrison (China Anne McClain) and Mae Hartley (Kelli Berglund) are smart over-achieving high school sophomores that finish calculus tests in under 9 minutes (to the annoyance of their peers!) Gabby is 100% focus on her career track and saving the world through being incredibly awesome and smart, while Mae is starting to get distracted by boys. Particularly the star quarterback Jaden, who she tutors in math. Jaden may or may not have feelings for her, but that’s not the problem. The problem is Jaden is currently dating cheerleader Nevaeh Barnes (Ashley Argota), who is 100% focused on how awesome Nevaeh Barnes is and needs Jaden to be her perfect accessory while she becomes Homecoming Queen.
How to Build a Better Boy Disney
Thus Nevaeh Barnes and her posse humiliate Mae in front of the entire school (and Jaden!), the school having nothing better to do than watch two of the students be sassy to each other. Mae counters by pretending she has an awesome boyfriend who’s Alaskan, thus that’s why no one knows him. Even though everyone knows she’s lying, this puts Gabby on the thinking train and soon she’s scheming to create a virtual boyfriend for Mae. Mae’s dad does video game research, so Gabby’s plan is to hack into his company and use the AI models to create an AI boyfriend. This plan would be clever, except for the fact Mae’s dad secretly works for the government and is creating an autonomous robot fighting soldier/drone. A little obvious plot magic later and suddenly all the traits Mae wanted in a boyfriend are now encoded in this drone, unknowingly to the girls, and the result causes the computers at home to get fried.

The next day at school, suddenly the fake boyfriend Albert Banks has a huge social media profile and is now friends with half of the school. Nevaeh begins mocking the obviously fake profile, when suddenly Albert Banks (Marshall Williams) himself drives up in a Lamborghini. As he’s totes handsome and charming, suddenly every single girl is in love with Albert because he’s emotionally ambidextrous and a boy boy but sensitive and unnnnnhhhhhuuuuhhh and other strange sounds. Albert only has eyes for Mae, and proceeds to become the most perfect boyfriend ever, with picnic lunches and singing Selena Gomez in the park.
Marshall Williams How to Build a Better Boy Disney

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