Nowhere Safe Up

Nowhere Safe – the internet returns to kill again, on UP!

Nowhere Safe Up

We ruined your printer, Ellen Feiss! And now we ruin you. Beep beep beep beep beep!


Just when you thought it was safe to go on the internet, now you will learn there is Nowhere Safe! Because beyond cyber bullying, there is reverse cyber bullying! It’s like normal cyber bullying, but in reverse. And you can’t get away, no matter how hard you try, no matter how grey your hoodie. It’s true, the movie says so!

After two teen girls cruelly impersonate her online in a “reverse cyber bullying” plot, Ashley’s reputation is ruined. She and her mother Julie (a high school teacher) are ostracized, forcing them to flee an escalating threat to their lives. Starting over at a new school miles away, romantic interests and the poignant lessons from an eccentric history teacher draw them out of seclusion until they realize confronting a hurtful past is essential to ensure a brighter future.

Nowhere Safe is directed by Brian Brough (Snow Beast) and written by Brittany Wiscombe (also Snow Beast) It stars Danielle Chuchran as Ashley Evans , Natasha Henstridge as Julie Johnson, and Jamie Kennedy as Kevin Carlisle

Nowhere Safe premieres Sunday, October 5th on UP! For those of you who don’t know what UP is, it’s a channel with UPlifting content. AKA family friendly stuff that leans Christian. They also come out with a bunch of new movies, thus pulling the interest of TarsTarkas.NET.

Nowhere Safe is also important because thanks to Up’s link, I now know about the Dove Foundation, which looks like the next generation of CAP Alert. Check out the Dove Foundation page on Nowhere Safe, which let’s us know that a girl who had falsely accused another girl is pelted with donuts. Besides being Dove approved, Nowhere Safe is Homer Simpson approved!

via UP

RiffTrax ROTOR

R.O.T.O.R. – New RiffTrax VOD!

R.O.T.O.R.! There are two type of people in the world: People who have seen R.O.T.O.R. and know that means this RiffTrax is an instant buy, or those poor souls who have never experiences the majesty and pain that is R.O.T.O.R. Imagine the most awful version of Robocop meets Short Circuit meets the gum stuck under your desk in 9th grade. Which means this will be awesome! Buy it today on RiffTrax.com!

R.O.T.O.R. could be described as The Room meets Cyborg Cop 2, and if that makes any sense to you at all then you know how excited we are about it!

It’s an embarrassment of riches, where to begin? Our hero Captain J.B. Coldyron, police robotics genius and ranch owner, whose dialogue was all dubbed by a different actor and written by a different species? The goofy office robot who somehow possesses more sophisticated intelligence than the dangerous “advanced” prototype on the loose, aka R.O.T.O.R.? Or what the acronym R.O.T.O.R. itself stands for: Robotic Officer of the Tactical Operations Research. Yes, the last word in the killer police robot’s name is Research, for some reason. Except later in the movie, when it suddenly stands for Reserve instead. Why? If you want an explanation, you’d better ask Shoeboogie, the wacky Native American janitor who loves to dance. Actually, don’t ask Shoeboogie anything, it’s probably best to avoid all eye contact with Shoeboogie.

Coldyron! Research! Shoeboogie! If you say those words real fast they kind of sound like a song, but they’re also three of the many reasons you should join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the wonder of wonders that is R.O.T.O.R.!

RiffTrax ROTOR

Kindred Sleepy Hollow

Sleepy Hollow S02E02 – “The Kindred”

Kindred Sleepy Hollow

Headless Horseman, He-Man, I’ll defeat them all!


Sleepy Hollow “The Kindred”
Written by Mark Goffman and Albert Kim
Directed by Paul Edwards
Kindred Sleepy Hollow

When horses get LASIK!


Sleepy Hollow both returns to bringing us monsters while continuing the Apocalypse storyline and tying up some of the loose ends that still dangled after the season premiere. We get introductions to new characters and begin the plot lines that will take us through the rest of the year.

The most important thing that happens in this episode is the monster, which seems not to be the case, but it is. The monster, called The Kindred, is created from parts of dead soldiers from the Revolutionary War. It was originally build by Ben Franklin (Timothy Busfield reprises the role, though with clothes this time!) but never finished. Abbie and Ichabod manage to finish the monster using the head of the Headless Horseman. The Kindred is said to be the match of the Horsemen of Death, and is seen fighting the Headless Horseman to a standstill. But as there are two Horsemen of the Apocalypse running around, the Kindred is outmatched, though Abbie helps a bit during the fight. What is interesting is the Kindred also helps Abbie, and seems to know the plan of the heroes, and most importantly, does not die at the end of the episode. In fact, the Kindred escapes into the unknown, so there is a random unknown monster running around.

Kindred Sleepy Hollow

This show put 2/3rds of its black characters in jail in this episode!


The Kindred is important for several reasons. His origin as the result of a Frankenstein creation of dead body parts parallels Sleepy Hollow being the creation of a bunch of goofy science fiction and fantasy tropes that somehow work together into making an awesome monster of crazy. The Kindred grins and hisses at his friends, and knows their plans, helping them achieving it will providing an equal to the might of the supernatural Horsemen. Thus, I’m predicting random Kindred appearances throughout the series when the plot dictates that the main characters have to overcome something that should kill them. It’s also important that this is the first monster who isn’t killed or defeated in some manner. He escapes on his own terms after accomplishing his goals. Perhaps the writers realized that killing off all their monsters of the week was bad, because you can’t use them again. It shows how the monsters have grown to be a bigger part of Sleepy Hollow and are becoming entrenched in the mythology of the series.

Finders Keepers SyFy

Finders Keepers, SyFy weepers!

Finders Keepers SyFy

Why is the only promotional material something the Patrick Muldoon tweeted out??


SyFy gives us a creepy doll movie starring Saw‘s Tobin Bell with Finders Keepers! Luckily, Counselor Troi is there to feel empathy. And Jaime Pressly is there to…not…feel empathy. Okay, I don’t know what any of the characters do, but there is a bunch of stars and a creepy doll and things.

A child becomes obsessed with an evil doll left behind by the previous occupants of her new home. Finders Keepers stars Tobin Bell (Saw, Saw II), Jaime Pressly (My Name is Earl, Two and a Half Men), Marina Sirtis (Star Trek: Next Generation, Crash) and Patrick Muldoon (Starship Troopers). A production of ARO Entertainment

Finders Keepers stars Tobin Bell, Jaime Pressly, Marina Sirtis, Patrick Muldoon, Trilby Glover, Kristen Kerr, Justina Machado, and Mercy Malick. It’s directed by Alexander Yellen (Battledogs and a cinematographer on a bajillion Asylum films) and written by Peter Sullivan (Chupacabra vs. the Alamo, Jersey Shore Shark Attack, The Dog Who Saved Easter, basically a ton of cool stuff!)

Finders Keepers premieres Saturday, October 18 at 9PM on SyFy! Hopefully, they’ll have something promotions-wise before that date!

Thanks to the Fans of SyFy Original Movies Facebook group for the heads up!

Finders Keepers game

No, not that Finders Keepers!

Dead Still SyFy

Dead Still makes movement at SyFy!

Dead Still SyFy

I knew I shouldn’t have made fun of those alien Muppets!


SyFy throws up another original movie, a haunted camera mystery tale called Dead Still! It stars Ben Browder, Ray Wise, Gavin Casalengo, Elle LaMont, Steffie Grote, and Carrie Lazar

Wedding photographer Brandon Davis (Ben Browder/SG-1, Farscape) inherits an antique camera famous for taking Victorian death photography. When he uses it, the subjects die, then reappear as eerie death portraits, leading Davis into a terrifying journey to uncover the haunting mystery behind the cursed camera. Dead Still also stars Ray Wise (Twin Peaks, Jeepers Creepers) and Gavin Casalengo (Noah, When The Game Stands Tall). A Booth Brothers Film, Dead Still is a production of Plus Entertainment, Hollywood Media Bride, Twintalk Entertainment and Spooked Productions.

A mysterious haunted camera? Perhaps he doesn’t need to investigate, just watch Atomic Hotel Erotica! Okay, okay, maybe this is a different haunted camera. How many haunted cameras are there? Just wait until 10 years from now when we got spooky ancient haunted iPhone movies. I can’t wait to not watch them! At least here there is the whole Victorian photography angle which means we can have some cool outfits and references to those old spooky Victorian photographs that were totally normal back in the day. The day when no one knew about germs.

Dead Still is written and directed by documentary director Philip Adrian Booth (who also helmed Ghouls Gone Wild!) It premiered October 6th on SyFy as part of their 31 Days of Halloween special event.

Check out the trailer!

Dark Haul

Dark Haul trucks up SyFy!

Dark Haul

Quick, switch to the BFG!


SyFy inches back to showing regular features in October, with three new films as part of their 31 Days of Halloween series. Dark Haul (aka Monster Truck) is the first, featuring a monster, a truck, a monster girl, and Tom Sizemore.

A team of secretive guardians transport a deadly creature and its half-human sister to a secure location, but the beast escapes and threatens to fulfill a prophecy – by destroying the world. Dark Haul stars Tom Sizemore (Saving Private Ryan, Black Hawk Down), Rick Ravanello (The Cave, Hart’s War) and Evalena Marie (Remains, Serena and the Ratts). Dark Haul is a production of Synthetic Cinema International.

Hey, it’s a monster and a sister and they fight some humans, will she realize her brother looks like a video game villain? I’m probably most excited about Evalena Marie going demonic all up in there! The prophecy and conspiracy and arguments about if demons can be good I can take or leave, but we need some demon fighting action and people being torn to shreds and that truck that flips over running down demons and basically make the body count like a trillion people and a trillion demons. Give or a take a few billion.

Dark Haul is directed by Daniel Wise and written by Ben Crane, neither of which have any substantial credits. So this is a complete mystery going in as far as track records are concerned.

A trailer is on ShockTillYouDrop in case you want to check it out!

Dark Haul premieres Saturday, October 4 at 9PM on SyFy!

Dark Haul

Did the monster brother braid her hair?