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Total Recall
InBad, Movie Reviews

Total Recall (Review)

March 26, 2005By


Total Recall


1990
Starring
Arnold Schwarzenegger as Douglas Quaid/Hauser
Rachel Ticotin as Melina
Sharon Stone as Lori
Michael Ironside as Richter
Mel Johnson Jr. as Benny
Ronny Cox as Vilos Cohaagen

Get your ass to Mars!

Paul Verhoeven directs this Philip K. Dick story turned action film, starring my governor. Full of Verhoeven staple actors and Verhoeven staple mindless action (or satire action, as he likes to make most of it.) Now, that style may work well with obvious pieces such as Robocop and Starship Troopers, but it feels out of place at times in movies like this and Hollow Man. Not that this is a terrible movie, it’s just a few of the actions scenes seem like they are slightly out of it compared to the general tone of the film. This movie is also drowning in Star Trek actors, you can’t kick over a mutant in Venusville without seeing half a dozen scatter.


Robots movie
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Robots (Review)

March 21, 2005By

Robots


2005
Starring
Halle Berry as Cappy
Ewan McGregor as Rodney Copperbottom
Mel Brooks as Bigweld
Robin Williams as Fender
Greg Kinnear as Ratchet
Amanda Bynes as Piper


Let’s take a break from this Mars businesses to do a current movie. Robots is the new CGI film from Fox Animation. All CGI films are inherently superior to traditional animation, as evidenced by Pixar films. Except that statement is a lie, and believed only by morons. Pixar movies are popular thanks to good story telling, they could be animated by shadow puppets and they’d be blockbusters. This movie is mediocrity in action. After weeks of sitting through some cinema pre-show where the director starts yammering on about how he’s wanted to tell the story of Robots for a long time, I thought maybe it would have a good story. At least it would be visually interesting, right? And it was. Visually interesting, that is. The story is lame rehashing and zero character development.




Santo vs the Martians
InBad, Movie Reviews

Santo Contra la Invasion de los Marcianos (Review)

March 19, 2005By


Santo Contra la Invasion de los Marcianos

aka Santo vs. the Martian Invasion

1966
Starring
Santo as El Santo
Manuel Zozaya as Prof. Ordorica
Wolf Ruvinskis as Argos
Ham Lee as Morpeo
El Nazi as Martian
Maura Monti as Aphrodite


Mexican Masked Wrestler El Santo, the Silver Mask. A Legend. Starred or was featured in 52 movies in his career. We can honestly say, this is one of them. Actually, this is pretty good for a Mexican Martian invasion movie. It fits in nicely with many low budget American science fiction films that were coming out at the time, and since it involves Martians invading Mexico, and a masked wrestler as Earth’s only hope, you know it’s more of a superhero film than anything else. In fact, El Santo had his own comic series in Mexico, and many of his films and other Luchadores Enmascarados (Masked Wrestlers) films are science fiction/horror/comic book movies at their cores. These movies can be a load of fun, or just a big load. Despite the ridiculousness of much of this movie, I enjoyed it, as it did a few things American movies rarely did back then.

Mission to mars
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Mission to Mars (Review)

March 14, 2005By


Mission to Mars


2000
Starring
Gary Sinise as Jim McConnell
Tim Robbins as Woody Blake
Don Cheadle as Luke Graham
Connie Nielsen as Terri Fisher
Jerry O’Connell as Phil Ohlmyer


Mission to Mars. It sounds like a great concept for a movie, people going to Mars and setting up a base, only to encounter aliens. Sure, it’s been done before, but this movie will strive to make it more realistic scientifically. Plus, it’s got a great cast, Tim Robbims, Don Cheadle, Gary Sinise, Jerry O’Connell, the chick from Gladiator…how can it fail?

On every level, that’s how!

Not only is much of the science in this movie bunk (biology taking the greatest beating,) but many of the actions of the characters are also suspect, to the point that you throw your shoe at the movie screen. Let’s not talk about the ending for now.

Santa Claus Conquers martians
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (Review)

March 7, 2005By


Santa Claus Conquers the Martians


1964
Starring
John Call as Santa Claus
Leonard Hicks as Kimar
Vincent Beck as Voldar
Bill McCutcheon as Dropo
Pia Zadora as Girmar


First they came for the men. Then they came for the women. Now they have come for the sweetest plum of them all: Santa Claus! We got the original edition right here, not a Crow, Joel, or Tom Servo to be found. There is no Patrick Swayze Christmas here, it’s all pain. This is not the first MST3K film that I’ve seen without Joel/Mike and the bots (that honor goes to Alien from L.A.) but this is the worst I have seen without their protection. The thought that this movie is still being shown to children throughout the world as a Christmas classic is horrifying. I can only pray that the endless showings of A Christmas Story are enough to counter the effects here.




Mars Needs Women
InMovie Reviews, Ugly

Mars Needs Women (Review)

March 5, 2005By


Mars Needs Women


1967
Starring
Tommy Kirk! as Dop
Yvonne Craig! as Dr. Bolen
“Bubbles” Cash! as Some Stripper
Directed by Larry Buchanan!


After Devil Girl From Mars taught us Mars had a war that killed off all the men, now we do a complete 180 and have a movie where Mars is short of the womenfolk. Here it’s a mutation instead of a war, but you can’t deny the Mars kidnapping theme. Mars craves abducting humans like a crack addict craves the sweet sweet rock. This wonderful treat stars Tommy Kirk, noted Oscar caliber actor. Wait, that should read noted “Best Bowler in Milan, Illinois” league actor. Tommy Kirk has made so many crappy movies if video tapes of all of them were stacked on top of each other you could climb to Mars yourself and see if they need men or women. He was also in Old Yeller, which means he has to be given some respect regardless of the career choices he had after Disney threw him out for being gay. The director of this film is a man I’ve come to know an love, Larry Buchanan. MST3K fans will remember him as the director of Attack of the the Eye Creatures (not a typo) that just didn’t care. Nor does he care here. Tommy Kirk is a million times the actor Buchanan is the director. Batgirl also joins the cast, as Mars Needs Batgirl as well. I could use a little Batgirl myself every now and then.

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