The Destroyers

The Destroyers (Review)

The Destroyers

aka The Devastator

1985
Starring
Rick Hill as Deacon Porter
Katt Shea as Audrey
Terrence O’Hara as Spencer
Kaz Garas as Sheriff
Jack S. Daniels as Ox
Steve Rogers as Reese
Directed by Cirio H. Santiago

The 1980’s were a heyday of low-budget, direct to video action films imported from overseas to sit on the shelves of video rental places, where they enjoyed a brief stay in the sun before they were buried beneath next week’s batch of cheap films, until they got relegated to the corner covered with dust, and finally sold for $3 when the store goes out of business thanks to the new Blockbuster that opened next door and Joe Sixpack’s preference for 400 copies of George of the Jungle instead of the decent obscure stuff the local houses got in. As these films have a good chance of disappearing off the face of the Earth forever when their tapes rot away, it is important to preserve them in our memories before we think it is but a figment of our Alzheimer’s. Directed by the Director of TNT Jackson who eventually became one of the most prolific directors out of the Philippines. The story of Vietnam Veterans wronged and resorting to their flashback ways and gunning down all who oppose them is a common theme in films from the eighties. (For an example we’ve covered before, see The Exterminator.)


Jason X

Jason X (Review)

Jason X


2000
Starring
Kane Hodder as Jason Voorhees/Uber-Jason
Lexa Doig as Rowan
Chuck Campbell as Tsunaron
Lisa Ryder as Kay-Em 14
Peter Mensah as Sgt. Brodski

Jason Voorhees returns for the tenth go around, this time, in space! Yes, in the grand tradition of Critters 4, Leprechaun 4, That one Hellraiser movie, Pigs in Space, and Dracula 3000, this horror franchise has to cut it’s teeth on the depths of space as well. And what lovely teeth they are. Teeth, that just look amazingly like Aliens. Heck, the screenwriter even named a character after a character from Alien, Dallas, who he played in this movie. Basically, we got Jason taking the place of facehuggers and tongue-stabbers. We get some neat bloody kills, some future technology jokes, a film that doesn’t take itself too seriously, a body count bigger than all the other films (I’m guessing the space station had a lot of people on it), a hot lead, Uber-Jason, lame puns, naked babes, and hot machete action. Let’s dive in!

Broken Flowers

Broken Flowers (Review)

Broken Flowers


2005
Starring
Bill Murray as Don Johnston
Jeffrey Wright as Winston
Sharon Stone as Laura
Frances Conroy as Dora
Jessica Lange as Carmen
Tilda Swinton as Penny
Julie Delpy as Sherry
Alexis Dziena as Lolita
Directed by Jim Jarmusch

Just when you think 2005 will go down in history as the year good movies became endangered species, we get an entry that shows us there is still life yet in celluloid land. Bill Murray, reprising his lonely man role he’s been fine tuning in recent films such as Rushmore and Lost in Translation, teams with independent writer/director Jim Jarmusch of Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai fame in a film that gives us a man’s journey and self-discovery and some other clichéd sounding plot devices, yet the movie turns out better than it sounds. This is in a large part due to the massive amount of talent throughout the picture, in addition to the two I named previously. Murray is Don Johnston, a ladies man in his later years, who receives and anonymous letter from one of his former flames telling him he has a son he never knew he had who is now old enough he has come searching for his father. Don Johnston does not know which woman it could be, as there are five possibilities.

Death Warrior

Death Warrior (Review)

Death Warrior

aka Ölüm savasçisi

1984
Starring
Cüneyt Arkin as Inspector Kemal
??? as Evil Turkish Chuck Norris
??? as Turkish Oliver Hardy
??? as Exploding Iguana Woman

Cuneyt Arkin fights a gang of ninjas in this classic movie direct from Turkey! Cuneyt Arkin proves once again he is the king of Turkish cinema, in this non-stop Turkeywood marathon of action! When ninjas attack America, who do you call? That’s right, Turkey! What Turkey lacks on budget they try to make up for with pumping the film full of gratuitous blood and murder, with lots of fighting action. This film is part of the fine Turkish tradition of being ridiculously over the top and yet, oh, so appealing. Subtitles are not needed to enjoy this masterpiece, which is part of the fun. Knowing the little details would just distract us from the “wow” factor. Cuneyt Arkin is just as action star spectacular in Death Warrior as he was in Turkish Star Wars. Over the top is rarely this fun!

Hell of the Living Dead

Hell of the Living Dead (Review)

Hell of the Living Dead

aka Virus

1980
Starring
Margit Evelyn Newton as Lia Rousseau
Franco Garofalo as Zantoro
Selan Karay as Max
Directed by Bruno Mattei

Low budget Italian Xerox copy of Dawn of the Dead, except this machine is out of toner and keeps giving a “PC Load Letter” error. Large portions of this film are just completely ridiculous, and I’m not talking about the fact the dead is rising to eat the living. If I were to take out the stock footage, the film would be around twenty minutes long. The long scenes are made even longer by their consistent slow motion state. Why bring attention to the stock by dragging it out and separating it from the rest of the inane film? Italy is known for making low budget rip offs of US films, especially around this time when they were pumping out hundreds of films, most of which had quick lives if they even made it to theaters before they helped found the video cassette boom of the eighties. In this case, someone figured that if they took Dawn of the Dead and added a few cannibal scenes, they’d score two genres for the price of one! Instead, they got an incomprehensible mess that succeeds only in spectacular failure on all fronts. So put on a tutu and top hat, grab your cane, and get ready to live the Hell of the Living Dead!


She IS On Duty

She is on Duty (Review)

She is on Duty

aka Jambok-geunmu

2005
Starring
Kim Seon-a as Chun Jae-in (Jane Chun)
Nam Sang-mi as Cha Seung-hee
Kong Yu/Gong Yoo as Kang No-young
Kim Kap-su as Cha Young-jae
Kim Sang-ho as Detective Kang

Korea returns once again to TarsTarkas.NET with a Korean Cop Comedy with some familiar faces. Korean movies are consistently showing up with their “A” game, while Hollywood has been dragging their “R” game at best lately. You know it’s a bad year at the theaters when this only above average movie is still better than much of the dreck in theaters right now. A cop goes undercover in a high school, and it’s not Johnny Depp. There is no street to jump off 21 times or any of that nonsense. Main character Jane Chun is played by Kim Seon-a, who is a first timer here, though likely not a last timer, especially since one of her movies is called Happy Erotic Christmas, touted as the Korean American Pie with Reindeer sex. OK, maybe not any reindeer sex. But there could be… Also starring is Nam Sang-mi from Dead Friend, Too Beautiful to Lie, and Spygirl. Yep, we’ve done every movie she’s been in now, time for her to make more. Quickly, woman, quickly. Also reappearing is Korean Stud Kong Yu from Spygirl and My Tutor Friend. Happy day when Go-Bong is back! She is on Duty has some fun features such as the soundtrack, which sounds like it was taken from Riverdance. You feel like the characters should suddenly start dancing in sequence at various points in the movie. The Lord of the Dance would fit in perfectly here. It’s completely unique, because it’s too bizarre for anyone else to have tried. Some of the uniqueness takes away from the formulaic movie and enhances it, making it a better film.